Been dating someone, mental health issues just become apparant...what to do

[user1471441613]

So, I've been dating this guy for around 2 months, all has been going well. I've taken it very slowly, we've had about 5 dates but these have been spaced over about 10 weeks.

Daily chat and communication - there have been no red flags at all until this week. He's good company and fun. We are on the same page, both 40's, 2 kids each and looking for a serious relationship.

All good so far...until this week. Out of the blue, last night I had a message saying that he's not good enough for me, I don't need to take him on, he doesn't need anyone etc. Swiftly followed by a photo of his arm which he has self-harmed.

I genuinely don't know what to say to him - but I know I need to walk away. I've never dealt with anything like this before. I've had a tough few years myself with a divorce and a relationship break up, and have had to be very resilient to get my life back on track. At the same time, I feel horrible just walking away. Thoughts?

honestly i wouldnt even reply. you really dont need to get involved in something like this. block his number.

I think you have to walk away. Refer him to professional help, by all means, but you can't get pulled into being his "helper".

It's sad for him, but his problems are not yours. Agree is best to walk away.

Could you message back something like

"I'm so sorry to see that you are suffering at the moment. It's not at all about not being good enough, but when you in such a tough place I don't believe a relationship is the best thing (for either of us or for the kids). I genuinely wish you all the best and have really enjoyed our time together, but this is the end of the road for me. Please seek help, self-harm is nothing to be ashamed of and there is lots of help out there. User".

Then block.

Great response there by Theotherones I would use that !

I might phone him once, express concern and encourage him to seek support, but making clear that his behaviour wasn't appropriate and you no longer wish to date or have contact with him.

Yes totally agree with theotheronesabove.
Don't be drawn int corresponding with him afterwards just block number and move on. Think of your dc.

You may well feel horrible about walking away but you can be neither his rescuer or saviour here. It is therefore best to walk away.

I would send him a message along the lines of that suggested by TheOtherOnes and then block.

Walk away

Thank you all, its what I needed to hear. I know I need to do this, its just actually doing it.

I'm actually so upset that he thought it was OK to send me a photo of his arm covered in cuts and bleeding. He was in hospital recently and he told me if was due to heat exhaustion after a long kayak session, now I am wondering if it was due to this cutting etc.

Thank you for the advice. I might wait until after work to message him.

Definitely just walk away from this one. Tell him you hope he gets the help he needs but that the relationship isn't good for either of you.

I would block his number to prevent receiving more pictures like that.

Good message from theotherones

You absolutely cannot have a man like this, around your children. Ever. You risk your own safety and theirs if you see him again.

Just walk away. No need to feel horrible, as sad as his situation may be, you are not his carer. I also think that whilst self-harming is tragic, showing it to you is a real danger sign. I've known of a few self-harmers in my wider social circle and they were all extremely secretive about it by all accounts. Why is he sharing it with you? To draw you in and get you invested? What might come next and do you really want to deal with that? Are you prepared for him to expose your kids to his injuries? He needs help for sure but that shouldn't be your burden.

Run like hell and never look back. Never, ever speak or see him again. Something is seriously wrong with this guy.

No that's not fair to put you in that position. Don't get drawn into it in any way.

Good point from HerOtherHalf. It's like he's sounding you out to see if you will be his "rescuer". That doesn't end well, as I've experienced myself.

Thanks everyone. The photo has really upset me actually, I literally can't stop thinking about it. I can't understand the motivation to send me the photo - to show me why we can't continue or to make me feel badly for him?
His arm has other healed cuts on it and I am wondering why I didn't notice the marks but I guess I wasn't looking for it?
I know nothing about self harm but surely it would be a secret?

I've sent self harm photos to a friend of mine once. I was in a very bad way and it was a massive cry for help.

However, she has been my friend for a long time. And I've been with my husband a long time. So they are invested, and love me, and have intertwined lives.

There's no way I'd expect any future relationship with someone I barely know if I did this. Dump and run, this is not your problem.

You definitely don't need this. I have experience of this with my EXH and with kids I teach and those who are seriously doing it for genuine reasons are usually ashamed and go to great lengths to hide their self harming. Others like my ex do it entirely for attention. I think this is very selfish as well as odd behaviour. It would be a different story if you had discovered the scars and asked him about them. My ex once cut his arms in my presence because I disagreed with him! On one occasion he did it because I asked him to take a phone call I didn't feel up to taking. I had cancer and the call was from the insurance company to discuss a critical illness claim. They had already said that they could speak to him because I was in an emotional state. His response was 'You can deal with your fucking money claim' and to run into the kitchen and grab a knife to cut his arm with. This was the beginning of the end for me! It's a lot more difficult to get out of a relationship when you're financially tied and have children. At the stage you're at I definitely wouldn't contemplate getting involved with this man. He'll be on his best behaviour now, imagine what he might do when he is feeling more secure and relaxed in the relationship?

Please walk away now while you can. My BIL started seeing a woman back in 2008. She was attractive and lots of fun and he really fell hard for her very quickly. He treated her 2dcs as his own almost from day one.

But she was hiding several MH problems which included self harming and alcoholism. She drip fed about her problems only doin g the full reveal after they married. BIL loved her so much he thought he could save her but their whole marriage has been about her and saving her. The stories he could tell would break your heart But love isn't enough and he's got nothing left to give and is running on empty.

He's given her nearly ten years of his life and he says he just can't give anymore. And he's now saying he wishes he'd walked away when he first found out.

It wasn't as if he confided in you in a meaningful way. He bloody well sent you a pic! So unnecessary and a big red flag. He sounds like trouble.

I am nodding at your post BelarusianDoll. Just sending a pic of his arm is quite passive aggressive in a sort of way. It's very drama llama and immature and what you'd associate with attention seeking fifteen year olds.

I only say that because dd got a similar sounding pic from a schoolfriend, who then refused to reply to any of dd's attemtps to contact her. DD was worried sick understandably.

Later this girl admitted the scratches were from her fucking rabbit. You just know this girl is going to be a similar attention junkie in ten year's time.

This is all such a massive eye opener for me and thank you to everyone for their experience in this. I am a 'fixer' type, I always want to rush in with solutions. Luckily, I am only a few months in with this guy and not invested much in this.

I completely agree that I can't let this anywhere near my kids so there is no option here.

Interesting, I am now thinking about his last two relationships that have broken down. His last girlfriend, he told me that she was abusive and controlling. And his marriage broke down because his wife was cold towards him. Clearly this is only one side to the story.

The sending me the picture is just so shocking and so selfish. What a I supposed to do with that. Offer to rush to be with him? After he sent the picture, he did comment that I wasn't making effort to come to him.

Very passive aggressive on his part. Could well be personality disordered.
Run. Don't walk. Block number

I really believe that if you walk away now user1471441613 you will have dodged a nasty bullet. These sort of people seem to target willing fixer people like you.

People with these problems need proper professional help and support often for years and years. It's far too much a burden to ask your partner to shoulder no matter how much they want to help or how much they might love you.

My BIL has been worn out to a husk trying to cure his wife and be her rock. She has tales to tell about her abusive ex and how he controlled her too. I would be interested to hear her ex's side of the story.

She knows just how to play BIL to keep him dangling in there. Just when she senses he's about to crack she goes and joins another support group or starts a new hobby and he thinks things are turning up for the better. Then two months later she has maxxed out all the ccs again and he's coming over here nearly in tears because he's having to take on even more work to pay the way.

It's killed him and God knows what it's done to the dcs, they both have ended up with anxiety issues.