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Original poster

Been dating someone, mental health issues just become apparant...what to do

63 replies

user1471441613 · 16/06/2017 13:01

So, I've been dating this guy for around 2 months, all has been going well. I've taken it very slowly, we've had about 5 dates but these have been spaced over about 10 weeks.

Daily chat and communication - there have been no red flags at all until this week. He's good company and fun. We are on the same page, both 40's, 2 kids each and looking for a serious relationship.

All good so far...until this week. Out of the blue, last night I had a message saying that he's not good enough for me, I don't need to take him on, he doesn't need anyone etc. Swiftly followed by a photo of his arm which he has self-harmed.

I genuinely don't know what to say to him - but I know I need to walk away. I've never dealt with anything like this before. I've had a tough few years myself with a divorce and a relationship break up, and have had to be very resilient to get my life back on track. At the same time, I feel horrible just walking away. Thoughts?

OP posts:
ChainingDaisy · 16/06/2017 17:11

Wow. That's odd behaviour. I'd walk away and I am a self harmer... The picture is just strange, attention seeking. I suspect that every time you disagreed with him you'd be bombarded with messages and pictures of him bleeding. As I say, I do self harm, I know exactly how hard it can be, but I would never behave like that. It's using his mental health as a weapon against you, rather than as a private fix for him. I'd expect it from a 13 year old girl, not an adult.

BigSunglasses00 · 16/06/2017 19:01

It sounds like you already know you need to walk away, but I will just say don't feel bad in any way. You wouldn't be doing him any favors by sticking around or rushing to his aid or coddling him or whatever. And don't offer friendship or even keep him as an acquaintance. I've had people do things like this to me and even trying to be there for them at arms length just wasn't possible.

And l agree with everyone else that says that it's best to block him. Once you end the relationship and make it clear that that sort of behavior isn't acceptable there's a really good chance he'll try to manipulate you into feeling like a cold-hearted bitch.

After he sent the picture, he did comment that I wasn't making effort to come to him.

That's horrific. It's a really horrible position to be in, I really feel for you. Sad

catinbooties · 16/06/2017 19:11

Manipulative attention-seeker. Dump, block, move-on.

How dare he put that on you when he hardly knows you???

ThreeLeggedDonkey · 16/06/2017 19:20

I agree with ChainingDaisy. I've self-harmed for more than half my life and have never sent pictures of it to anyone, it's an incredibly private thing for me.

I think that the fact that after he sent the pic he then said that you weren't making any effort to come to him, really shows that it was a manipulative act. He starts off saying that he's not good enough for you and he doesn't need anyone, then complains that you're not rushing to him? I think that tells you all you need to know.

I'd walk away, not because he self-harms or has MH problems (because I do too, and I know they don't define a person), but because that message was not a cry for help, it was calculated to make you act how he wanted.

CiliatedEpithelium · 16/06/2017 21:04

What Threelegged said. He is telling you exactly who and what he is OP. Take heed. Especially as you have nippers. This is really really very very manipulative indeed. There is no chance of a normal relationship with this dude - ever.

ocelot41 · 16/06/2017 21:06

Ruuuuuuuun! He is not just ill, he is manipulative. It is not your responsibility to fix this.

Embolio · 16/06/2017 21:17

Manipulative in the extreme, and could be some personality disorder thrown in too - def call it a day.

Bluntness100 · 16/06/2017 21:28

For five dates in ten weeks and now this, time to move on. He clearly has significant issues and they will get worse as he wishes you to reassure him and give him your attention. Heis being manipulative, needy and attention seeking. He's clearly unwell and needs help.

Just tell him you're sorry he feels like this, that you hope he gets help and finds happiness, but at this early stage of a relationship you are not able to offer him the support he needs. Then block him. Hesagrown man, in his forties. With kids. It's harsh but you can't get involved.

Ellisandra · 16/06/2017 21:52

Well thank goodness he showed his hand (arm!) early Confused
Agree with PP, this is not a cry for help, it's a manipulation.

Sadly he'll realise he acted too soon and hone his technique for the next woman. You know the cold wife and the abusive girlfriend? He'll be telling his next girlfriend how he confided in you, trusted you to support him, let you in... and you could cope with his self harm and just dumped him. And she, poor cow, will be manipulated by it - to be better than you. You'll just join the list of lied-about women.

Definitely dodged a bullet!

ALaughAMinute · 16/06/2017 21:58

Ignore and block.

He's bad news!

ThomasRichard · 16/06/2017 22:17

The text by TheOtherOne is excellent. I'd send exactly that.

Sorry this one hasn't worked out for you OP Flowers

HibiscusIsland · 16/06/2017 22:20

theotherones text is perfect.

pocketsaviour · 16/06/2017 22:23

I know nothing about self harm but surely it would be a secret?

God no. For most self injurers, it's about attracting attention.

That's not meant to sound shitty. My son SI in his teens to cope with the death of his dad.

If you have a guy in his 30s or above whos still SI then he's not really made amy effort to address his issues. So, bin.

ChainingDaisy · 16/06/2017 22:37

That's quite out of order pocketsaviour. For a section of people it can be about attention, for the majority it is secret. As in you don't know they're doing it, so don't know to judge them as attention seeking. I still self harm when I'm very stressed, a few times a year perhaps. Even DH doesn't know I do it. And no, I haven't "addressed my issues", it's the lesser of several evils for me. That all said, as I already commented this particular bloke sounds deeply manipulative, a bit odd and best avoided.

mynameiscalypso · 16/06/2017 22:43

Absolutely agree with ChainingDaisy. I'm in my 30s and I self harm but I desperately don't want anybody to know. I'm sitting in bed in the middle of June in a hoodie so my DH doesn't see the marks on my arm. To the OP, I would say run though. My ex used to do something similar to manipulate me - it's emotional abuse really.

ThreeLeggedDonkey · 16/06/2017 22:56

pocketsaviour, with respect, don't. I'm 30 and self harm. I've had SO MUCH mental health input, and I've been told for years that as long as the SH is manageable (ie, I'm not literally putting my life at risk), then it's not something that needs to be tackled.
I live in long sleeves and trousers regardless of the season so no-one ever sees any part of me other than my face, hands and neck.

For the vast majority of people, SH is a coping mechanism and is not something that is used to manipulate. The OP's boyfriend is not the norm.

Arealhumanbeing · 17/06/2017 09:25

Get rid. If not for the first message, definitely for the one complaining that you're not rushing to his side.

Absolute nightmare. Walk away quickly.

ElspethFlashman · 17/06/2017 09:32

It reminds me of Princess Diana, standing in front of Prince Charles and getting mad that he wasn't giving her enough attention and picking up a knife from his desk and cutting herself all over in front of him with blood everywhere. Really frightening. With that sort of person, it can spiral out of control very quickly.

DollyLlama · 17/06/2017 09:42

I agree with a few other comments above. I have a history of self harm, it is a private thing. To send photos is manipulative and a huge red flag and you're right to walk away.

FlyingElbows · 17/06/2017 10:43

Don't waste a second of your life trying to understand why he did it, op. None of it is good and certainly not something you should give headspace to. You just do as you have done, prioritise the needs of your children and run. Make sure you block him on all possible media because you're pretty much guaranteed that he'll come looking for more attention.

user1471545174 · 17/06/2017 12:18

I wouldn't send a nice text, I'd just block! I've blocked friends for less.

peaceout · 17/06/2017 12:27

Very odd, very scary
This is his opening move, what would he do when he starts to escalate ?
I would be very careful with the manner in which you disengage, suspect he could easily turn stalker and may be irrational

DJBaggySmalls · 17/06/2017 12:34

''After he sent the picture, he did comment that I wasn't making effort to come to him.''
Thats a second red flag. You are doing the right thing by not getting involved.

Original poster
user1471441613 · 17/06/2017 12:51

Thank you everyone for the insight. I really am out of my depth and the reasons for him sharing it are very worrying. Plus the comment that I should be going to him to comfort?
He's been feeling down because he's not seeing his kids on Fathers Day. But really I cant be dealing with that. What would come next if he's already sharing this stuff with me and trying to use it?

Anyway, the update is I waited until post work and just sent a brief message saying that I am very sorry he is having problems but its not appropriate to share photos like that and I do not have the capacity to deal with it, nor do I want to.

Blocked on Facebook etc.

Huge sense of relief and a break from dating without a doubt needed.

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 17/06/2017 13:32

I would keep the photo and message though - download on to laptop maybe. There's something quite unhinged about this behaviour. Op please don't take this event as any reflection of you whatsoever!

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