Girls holidays while husband and kids at home

[donduello]

Ok, so Im looking for an outside view of my situation...

My wife and I have two children the youngest being almost two. She has a huge circle of friends, and is famous amongst them for always being up for a night out, and she did previously go out drinking with them most weekends, but has cut that back a bit lately to maybe three times a month. Whilst I've got my head around this of late, she is presently in Ibiza for a week with a group of girls, whilst I'm at home looking after the kids. She hasn't long been back from a long weekend in Spain, and last year Amsterdam, always with a different group of girls, and more stuff in the calendar. Whilst these started as Hen do's, its now whenever one of her mates has a birthday they go abroad, and this time its for no reason at all other than she wanted to go to Ibiza. Im getting daily updates of the pool parties and clubs that she's going to, so this is not a chilled relaxing break.

From my point of view, I do feel like I'm being taken advantage of, almost like a live in babysitter that can always be relied upon for her nights out and holidays. Her justification is that we have a family holiday planned this year, so whats my problem. I have raised it several times in the past, but not sure she really sees why it bothers me, and now I'm wondering if she's right and I should chill out about it.

So simple question, am I justified in feeling like Im being taken for granted, and if so, what would you do about it?

1. Assuming that she's with adults, they're women. I know there's a tradition of using phrases like "girls' night out" but you're asking about the behaviour of an adult, so the word women would be more suitable.
2. Do you ever get holidays/days out with your friends? Do you want them? Would she be OK with you having them?
3. How much does this impact on family finances?
4. I assume you knew your wife was a party person when you married her. Did you expect her to suddenly change when it suited you?

The answers to those questions could change my answer, but generally, it looks like you're talking about 1 or 2 trips a year. Which seems fine, btw. I've had weekends away with friends, as has my DH. If everything else in your relationship is fine, then this isn't a problem.

And I go out more than once a week. My keeper husband lets me is fine with it.

Your dw wants to live like she is childfree and single, as she is neither things need to change.
A long chat is in order when she returns.

Kickassangel

1. Assuming that she's with adults, they're women. I know there's a tradition of using phrases like "girls' night out" but you're asking about the behaviour of an adult, so the word women would be more suitable.- She calls them her girlies - no offence intended!
2. Do you ever get holidays/days out with your friends? Do you want them? Would she be OK with you having them? Sometimes I go out - I work Monday to Friday and she works most weekends and doesn't get home till late evening due to shifts, so I have the children, so difficult for me to have a night out. The issue isn't around that, its about the party holidays in Ibiza and Amsterdam etc. I don't go on holiday with friends.
3. How much does this impact on family finances? Not at all - money is not an issue
4. I assume you knew your wife was a party person when you married her. Did you expect her to suddenly change when it suited you? No - we have been together almost 12 years and its only the last three that this has started happening. Before we had kids we would go out together a lot and had a group of mutual friends, but now I don't know many of her friends.

My partner has much active social life than I do but it's partly out of my own choice (I'm new to the area so don't know as many people) so I can't blame him.

With regards to holidays, he's going for weekend away soon and I am looking forward to some alone time but he also won't be out partying as such.

If only a couple times a year and not financially an issue I don't see a problem, assuming she'd do childcare if you wanted a holiday away without her????

If its only started happening recently then it sounds like a mid life crisis thing. Have a talk with her when she gets back. 3 weekends a month is nearly every weekend a month too remember. If she was a man she would get slaughtered for this. She needs to remember her kids, she isn't 18.

But you could go away if you wanted to? You meantion hen dos I'm guessing your of an age where your friends are getting married and some might be reaching their 30ths? Get yourself out make plans with your friends aswell.

There's nothing wrong with her having a couple of mini breaks a year. Nor her going out a few times a month. It probably started 3 years ago because she wants to let her hair down and relax without having to look after the kids and home and she knows they're safe with you.

Do you get to socialise as couples or as families? Is there anyone who can babysit? Do you miss her or do you miss socialising with her?

It also sounds that you both work when the other one is off - could that change so you have some time off together?

As long as you could go away with friends then I don't think it's an issue

Also you're not a "live in babysitter". They're your children too. You're a parent

I was just going to point out the same thing. They're your children, you're not babysitting them, you're being their parent

I'm sure a woman posting about her husband would be getting these replies.....

I think YANBU. If you don't like it then you need to have a discussion and perhaps come to a more reasonable solution that would make everyone happy.

I think it this was reversed to the husband going out nearly every weekend and the going on "lads" holidays the op would be getting much more support.
Have you told her how you feel?

Actual women have posted before about their dh going away and it's always asked if they have equal opportunity to do so and that as long as it doesn't impact family finances there should be no issue.

She's taking the complete piss. What are you going to do about it?

Just because your married with kids doesn't mean you can't socialise with friends as long as both parties have plenty of opportunities to do so.

To be honest I would try to go away for a weekend with some friends yourself. It can be great to have a bit of free time away from the responsibility of the children but knowing that they are with the other parent. Once or twice a year for a weekend sounds fine.

How many of her annual leave does she use up with her friends?

A single holiday which both get at some point is fine, providing the persons salary covers the costs. Multiple ones are not regardless of either sex. Children are only small once, plenty of time to pretend to be single when they are grown up.

I think you're getting a hard time too. If she's out 3 weekends a month that doesn't give you opportunity to go out even if you wanted to. And while a couple of mini breaks a year is fine I think anything needs mutual agreement.
Yes you are the childrens parent and it's your role to look after them as pp said but so is she and it sounds as if she isn't doing her share. I think if a woman had posted this there would be cries of ltb and he's so selfish he needs to step up and take responsibility for his children so not sure why you're not getting the same support.
I'd say you need to sit down together and come up with a compromise and also find out why she feels the need to go so often, can you get a babysitter and go out together instead sometimes?

Don't get how her weekends work - if she works til late but goes out three weekends in four, is she getting home from work, changing and going straight back out?

Sounds like she's always been like this. Did you expect marriage to change her?

X post, ignore that!

When do you get time together? Is one of you at work 7 days a week a recent thing too? That doesn't sound ideal, it means you can never do stuff as a family.
The mini breaks sound absolutely fine. It is harder to tell if the weekends do- could you go out in the evening? If she can go out then there must be evenings you could go out and she is looking after the kids.

Most adults do expect parenthood to bring massive lifestyle changes, yes. Partying three weekends a month isn't really an option any more with small kids at home. I wonder if any crap parenting behaviour from men can be defended by 'you knew what he was like, stop trying to change him?'.

I think it's about balance!
Does she only work weekends? So is she having a fair bit of time with the dc through the week?
When she's away, do you have to change work arrangements, sort out childcare etc?

How much family time all of you together do you get? How much time as a couple?

Both me and my bf are pretty sociable and have interests etc, we do make sure we set aside time as a family and time for us as a couple though. He's doing 2 trips away with friends as am I, we've had two weekends as a family and have 2 weeks away in the summer and then a few weekends just us two.

You need to talk to her though, otherwise you'll just end up resenting her. Please don't call it babysitting when it's your own children though!

Hi Op, do you and your wife spend much time together? If you are working during the week and she is working weekends and out three out of four weeks a month? Do you spend weekday evenings together?

I think given that it doesn't affect finances and that everyone is entitled to socialise I would have no issue with it..... Unless you are not seeing each other and having that time as a couple as a result. In which case I'd maybe speak to her about that, would it be a possibility for you to got out together one weekend night a month? Like a date night of sorts....that way you could both relax and reconnect.

And going out at weekends we tend to alternate one night, so Friday him one week me the other, then Saturday we'd spend together, out if we have a sitter or stay in, sometimes have friends round. Obviously we switch nights and occasionally thing so comd up where ones out fri one sat, we just try not to do that too often!