Girls holidays while husband and kids at home

[donduello]

Ok, so Im looking for an outside view of my situation...

My wife and I have two children the youngest being almost two. She has a huge circle of friends, and is famous amongst them for always being up for a night out, and she did previously go out drinking with them most weekends, but has cut that back a bit lately to maybe three times a month. Whilst I've got my head around this of late, she is presently in Ibiza for a week with a group of girls, whilst I'm at home looking after the kids. She hasn't long been back from a long weekend in Spain, and last year Amsterdam, always with a different group of girls, and more stuff in the calendar. Whilst these started as Hen do's, its now whenever one of her mates has a birthday they go abroad, and this time its for no reason at all other than she wanted to go to Ibiza. Im getting daily updates of the pool parties and clubs that she's going to, so this is not a chilled relaxing break.

From my point of view, I do feel like I'm being taken advantage of, almost like a live in babysitter that can always be relied upon for her nights out and holidays. Her justification is that we have a family holiday planned this year, so whats my problem. I have raised it several times in the past, but not sure she really sees why it bothers me, and now I'm wondering if she's right and I should chill out about it.

So simple question, am I justified in feeling like Im being taken for granted, and if so, what would you do about it?

No. I don't go 'away with the girls' at all really and there is plenty of opportunity.

Me and dh are both self employed and freelance. In order for one of us to go away it really impacts the other. We hardly ever get time together do the idea of buffering off abroad on a jolly on my own just seems wrong to me. We're having the first family holiday together this summer in 4 years.

The only time I've been abroad without dh or the kids was on a 4 day work trip to Italy. Dh had to take time off to cover me. I felt guilty enough about that!

So yes, a bit of friend-time on both sides is very acceptable and normal but I think you're DW is massively taking the piss.

Thanks again,

I'll be honest I'm surprised how many people are in marriages with young children who go on sepearte holidays than their family - I though it was pretty uncommon.

No it's not uncommon at all. Lots of men go off on stag dos and sporting weekends to watch football etc.

I'm the social one In my relationship, but 3 weekends a month, plus the holidays, I think is taking the piss.

Maybe 1 or 2 long weekends with friends a year any maybe 1 or 2 nights out every 6 months is reasonable, especially if you are also doing the same. You need time together and with the kids too.

We have 2 kids and I think that's only fair. I'd not want to be left home alone most of the weekend nights.
She's not single with no kids anymore

If a woman was posting this about her dh we'd all be telling her he wbu

If a woman posted saying that her husband wanted her to only go out with her friends 3-4 times a year , we would say that he was controlling.

Lost of married men go out with their mates 3 times a month, its really quite normal . Some of you have very odd marriages.

C0RAL I go out with friends to the local pub once a week, for about two hours for a couple of pints and a chat/catch up. It's not really in the same league as ligging it in a city centre pub followed by clubbing (which is what it sounds like the OP's wife is doing).

I will always drop the night if it clashes with having a night out with my DP or time with the family. Again, it doesn't sound like that's true here.

Add in the "lads" type holidays abroad, the guilt trips on the OP, the controlling behaviour around female friends... it all adds up to an extremely unbalanced relationship. One that would be more obviously unpleasant were the sexes reversed.

For what it's worth, you'll see plenty of threads on here from women complaining about the 2-3 nights a month those "really quite normal" married men go out.

marriage is supposed to be a partnership. doesn't sound like an equal one to me.

sounds like she is using you as the default parent. she can book when she likes but you pick up the slack. not acceptable. disrespectful to you as you might have plans that you want to do, you know, like work.

I am concerned that she is limiting your social group by restricting your female frienships and how this impacts on your ability to socialise.

not fair that she complains that you are stopping her fun and complains that you do not care that she goes out. can't have it both ways. if I reminded ex about something I was nagging, if I did not remind him it was unfair to expect him to remember

she is using family reources for herself, do have equal access to money? and spending huge wodges of it?

swap your genders in the op and you would have had a very different response I think.

you have to take time off work for childcare, but she has a problem with that?

is she a sahm in the week?

why are you doing three school runs a week?

ps I used to say baby sitting when caring for children while ex was out in the evenings. just a turn of phrase mostly especially where the babysitter is an involved parent. not a turn of phrase when it is hurled at the default parent/primary carer by the disengaged parent who really does not want to care for their kids. context is important.

I don't know many couples who'd go on seperate holidays unless it was for a specific purpose (like a stag-do). I'm not overly social and don't have a huge sample size, though If you had a lot of time together otherwise then it might not be as big of a deal, but didn't you say you only get a couple of days worth of 'family time' a month? Or did I misunderstand that? That would really bother me if the going-out, holidays etc. were being had at the expense of spending meaningful time together. I don't think you're being unreasonable to be bothered by it.

I work on the basis of thirds regarding time and energy.

1/3 of time divided equally for each partner to have their own time and space. Each may choose not to take up this time, but it needs to be an option without guilt.

1/3 for together time to keep you strong and together as a couple.

1/3 as family time to build memories together.

How many weekends is she away? Must be a lot if the group go for a weekend away for birthdays.

I can sort of see her point of view. I'm a similar age, I'm very social, I have a lot of friends and there are always LOADS of events taking place! I don't go to them all but I do go out often, i.e. 3 holidays a year without DH, nights out etc. My Husband doesn't have a problem with it and certainly doesn't see himself as a glorified babysitter. I'm a sahm so socialising with my friends is the only 'talking to other adults' time I get! He gets that and wouldn't ever deny me it. He's not as social but is away with his friends this weekend, I hope he has a great time!