Girls holidays while husband and kids at home

[donduello]

Ok, so Im looking for an outside view of my situation...

My wife and I have two children the youngest being almost two. She has a huge circle of friends, and is famous amongst them for always being up for a night out, and she did previously go out drinking with them most weekends, but has cut that back a bit lately to maybe three times a month. Whilst I've got my head around this of late, she is presently in Ibiza for a week with a group of girls, whilst I'm at home looking after the kids. She hasn't long been back from a long weekend in Spain, and last year Amsterdam, always with a different group of girls, and more stuff in the calendar. Whilst these started as Hen do's, its now whenever one of her mates has a birthday they go abroad, and this time its for no reason at all other than she wanted to go to Ibiza. Im getting daily updates of the pool parties and clubs that she's going to, so this is not a chilled relaxing break.

From my point of view, I do feel like I'm being taken advantage of, almost like a live in babysitter that can always be relied upon for her nights out and holidays. Her justification is that we have a family holiday planned this year, so whats my problem. I have raised it several times in the past, but not sure she really sees why it bothers me, and now I'm wondering if she's right and I should chill out about it.

So simple question, am I justified in feeling like Im being taken for granted, and if so, what would you do about it?

Things come up!

I think friends are massively important & you should both get your fair share of time away from each other with your own friends. I think people that put down markers on relationships they've been in 5 minutes, dictating others going on single sex holidays with friends they've known years are control freaks. It's all about give & take

Do you want reciprocal weekends away? Or do you want her to ask you first if it's okay? Or is it that you think you need to spend more time together as a family?

"I'm sure a woman posting about her husband would be getting these replies....."

On those threads the op gets told by others that the notion of married men going on lads holidays to ayia napa or Amsterdam is embarrassing and that they're taking the piss.
You'll often get around to the "playing away" insinuations pretty quickly too.

I have no problem with married folk going off on single sex party trips but the op's wife seems to have no consideration for her partner with regards discussing these trips away and agreeing on what's reasonable for the family.

I agre @TheNaze73 although not on the single sex aspect! I have mixed sex friendship groups and have been away with them, I'm sharing a tent at Leeds fest with a male friend and my boyfriends fine with it.

Does your wife discuss it with you before booking Op?

OP I agree with posters who say your DW is being ridiculously selfish. She is behaving like a single person not married with a young family. I also think the response on here would be very different from some posters if you were a women.

You need a proper chat to work this through so that you're both on the same page otherwise resentment is sure to build.

You're unhappy enough to post on here for advice, so that tells you it's not sitting right with you.

I'm sorry, but I detest the word 'babysitter' being used in relation to looking after your own children.

I think the number of holidays she's going on is a bit high.

If Hen nights are abroad, then that's okay, but she can't have that many friends getting married.

I think it's fine that you ask her to reduce the frequency of her girls holidays.

I'd go on two trips away with girls as a maximum... And it would be more of long weekends.

"I'm sorry, but I detest the word 'babysitter' being used in relation to looking after your own children. "

But surely the point of the saying used in this context is he feels like a live in babysitter as his oh is treating him as though he's a service provider who is always on call when she unilaterally decides that she is going on her latest holiday/night out.
It's not the same as when a man is doing the first night of solo parenting in 6 months for a long agreed night out for his wife and he's looking to be praised as some sort of demi-God for his Herculean efforts.

He's not claiming that minding his kids is babysitting, he's saying that his interactions with his wife and the way she is treating him, makes him feel like a live in babysitter rather than a partner as that's how she is treating him.

It's the same as someone saying they're being made to feel like a maid/cleaner by their partner as they're being left with an unfair share of the housework and they're being taken for granted. And the answer in those situations is not "you're not a maid because it's your fucking house"

But surely the point of the saying used in this context is he feels like a live in babysitter as his oh is treating him as though he's a service provider

It just assumes that childcare is the responsibility of a mother. My point is that if reverse was the case, you wouldn't have a woman saying she feels like she's being used to look after the children....
Notwithstanding and not to derail the thread.... She's going away too often and that's the main issue.

OP... You need to be clear and firm about your limits and what you don't find acceptable.

She needs to know how you feel inside.

It may be that she wants to let her hair down and have fun... But the amount of trips is too much.

Try and talk on her return in a calm, non challenging way.

Make it clear that you aren't against her having fun, but that the marriage will suffer if some changes don't happen.

If she dismisses your feelings, then you have something to worry about.

I'm getting the sense that she wants to feel young again and have times when she's not a mum or a wife.

Has her behaviour changed in any other ways recently? Like a new image? Late nights at work? The gym?

"It just assumes that childcare is the responsibility of a mother. My point is that if reverse was the case, you wouldn't have a woman saying she feels like she's being used to look after the children"

We'll just have to agree to disagree.
I've seen plenty of posts on here over the years about husbands swanning off without a thought for childcare and the poster saying they feel like they're being treated as the help/a nanny/ childminder.

Thanks for all the replies - A few questions raised so I'll try to answer

We spend about 2 days per month together as a family

We do go out together as a couple as and when we can get a babysitter, typically a couple of times a month, but this will usually be with one of her friends. We rarely go out just the two of us.

I have raised the this issue of holidays a few times but i'm not sure she realises that it has become 'an issue' for me. She feels that I am stopping her from enjoying herself which is not my intention at all, but i do understand why she feels that way if i'm saying I would prefer her not to book holidays with her friends

I don't get asked about the holidays, i'm just told about them after they have been booked

I have no interest in going away on holiday with my friends - I have been on one stag do abroad which was my own some years ago. I am sure that if i wanted to, she wouldn't object providing she doesn't have to take any time off work for childcare.

We are both almost 40

I do go out with friends occasionally but usually in a mixed group - this has caused some issues with my wife as she doesnt like me having female friends, so i have cut that back a lot. I'm not really a 'going down the pub with the lads' kind of person. As I say tho, the nights out she has really don't bother me now. It really used to but it was getting to twice a week and I could go days without even seeing her. She told me she was starting to get resentful of me because she felt like I made her feel guilty for going out, and I realised that wasn't healthy so i put a lot of effort into changing me and my perceptions instead of trying to change her. The only trouble is now, she says she feels like i'm not bothered about seeing her because i don't seem to care if she goes out with her friends.

It does slightly impact on work as I when she is on holiday i have to do the school run and pick up every day (opposed to the 3 days per week i usually do it). This means I arrive work late and leave early, so will work once the kids are in bed to catch up.

Re the 'babbysitter' Quimby is absolutely right. I feel as though that is how my wife sees me. I am not suggesting that I am. She will assume that if she goes out or on holiday there is no need to consult me to see if I had plans first, she will just assume that childcare is not an issue. I am a parent to my children and a bloody good one. At no point has it ever crossed my mind that childcare is a mothers responsibility.

Her behavior has changed since having the second baby - she goes to the gym a lot which is fantastic and I support this as much as I can.

Cheers

Oh ffs.

The use of "girls" is hardly the point of the thread (and FWIW that's how my friends and I refer to ourselves and we are in our thirties. The men are the boys).

I think the inference behind the going to the gym / changes to her appearance is that there may be an OM on the scene (or several).

A lot of the threads concerning blokes going off to Aiya Napa or Amsterdam have revolved around distrust of the motives behind such, (as well as the costs involved, the holiday time consumed, lack of family time etc).

She sounds pretty selfish, controlling (i.e. your female friendships) and unconcerned about your feelings. It's not a big step from that to imagine she's seeing other men - or at least that she wouldn't be adverse to an affair / ONS. If you don't know her friends these days then that would make it very easy for her to apply the "what happens on holiday.." rule.

I don't think it's fair on you OP, at all.

I have a group of girlfriends that go away a lot. It causes a lot of marital strife because of the attitude around it. "We're off, see ya" etc.

No one is saying she CANT go away, but some consideration and discussion is essential otherwise resentment is inevitable. And like you mentioned, this is a new development in your relationship.

Good luck OP, you sound like a nice person.

think the inference behind the going to the gym / changes to her appearance is that there may be an OM on the scene (or several).

Mmm. Was going to say dh's ex suddenly started going on nights out and trips to Ibiza with "the girls". It was with the girls, but also with "the boys" too which of course she didn't mention, and she was shagging one of them...

How is your relationship in general?
Before dd I would have just booked a hol and told my bf after, but since dd we both agree it needs to be discussed. So I'd definitely be telling her that she needs to speak to you before doing so, what if you couldn't re arrange work? Had a meeting or something?
How much holiday leave does she have and how much is she using on friends holidays compared to family holidays? As a general rule we agree 50% family and then 25% friends and couple time.

You need to talk to her though and if I were you I'd be booking some time away for yourself, even if it's just you. Do you have a hobby or interest?

I don't see the problem . She goes out three times a month so not even every weekend.

She has one weekend andone week away a year.

Lots of men do hobbies that take up at least one whole day every weekend andgo away for weekend to watch matches /compete more than twice a year.

Just be grateful you wife isn't into cycling / running / golf.

I can understand the concerns around an affair but honestly do not think this is the case. There are a few of the standard tell tale signs present, but there are some others that aren't. I trust her, which may sound naive, but now you got me wondering....

If my husband was going out nearly every weekend, which 3x a month pretty much is, especially as that's after cutting back, and going on lads holidays 3x a year (op says ibiza, not long back from spain, and amsterdam last year, i'd be pretty unimpressed.

Especially as i'm working full time all week, taking care of the kids while he works/goes out weekends, and also have to sort school runs while he goes away, impacting on my work.

When do i get my nights out and weekends away? Even if i don't want to socialise in the same way, i don't even have time to join a gym or just get a morning off with no kids or work.

It's not a "hobby" either. Golf, cycling/running is at least getting out and getting exercise, not much difference from the gym. They're not out drinking and socialising.

I can understand the concerns around an affair but honestly do not think this is the case. There are a few of the standard tell tale signs present, but there are some others that aren't. I trust her, which may sound naive, but now you got me wondering....

Yeah, that's what dh said about his ex. And his parents. She'd never do that, she wouldn't have an affair. They also said she'd never empty out the joint savings and leave him with nothing, but guess what...

She was very very clever. Even when it came out that she was seeing this bloke, she managed to make it dh's fault for not treating her right...including not doing enough with the kids when it was him at home while she was out, and working late into the night because he did the school runs while she was on another jolly with "the girls".

"As I say tho, the nights out she has really don't bother me now. It really used to but it was getting to twice a week and I could go days without even seeing her. She told me she was starting to get resentful of me because she felt like I made her feel guilty for going out, and I realised that wasn't healthy so i put a lot of effort into changing me and my perceptions instead of trying to change her. "

She's taking the fucking piss tbf

'Well I used to have an issue with the way she was treating me like shit, but then she made me focus on how my not wanting to be treated like shit was making her feel guilty about treating me like shit. So I just decided to tell myself that actually I like being treated like shit so now I pretend to be happy and she can go on treating me like shit except without the pesky guilt.'

She's taking the piss big time and I'd be suspicious.

I think it's about balance and consideration. When you are parenting you are a team and everything you do impacts the other team member.

DH and I consult each other before planning a night out, out of consideration.
A holiday would be a big discussion as it's lots of time and money away from the family.

At the same time it's a given that if one of us really wants to do something, the other will try to facilitate it. But neither of us would push for something that would upset the other. The aim is for everyone to have balanced and fulfilling lives.

It sounds like your partner is being pretty inconsiderate.

Good luck.

Dont know her of course but sounds mid life crisis. I can do what want, stuff your work, and no you cant talk to women but I can flounce around in my swim suit in ibizia getting men to buy me drinks. No you cant tell me i cant go out as it makes me resentful, but you clearly dont love me as you dont say anything when I do go out.

I bet she has a male personal trainer.

Sorry but I have a picture im my head of someone who either always has been or who has become utterly dreadful.

She not be having an affair. She could easily have ons though. I think you need to talk and she needs to listen without without turning it all back on you. Who pays for her holidays, you or her?

Also what would she say if you went away for a week in ibizia with male friends and spent a bomb....

You dont need to answer as i think we know what the reply will be!