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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

my husband hit me

47 replies

mayaNIS · 12/06/2017 03:19

Hello lovely ladies, I am new to this site I hope to get some answers from you.

My husband hit me for the third time since we got married. The last one was pretty bad. He told me he hit me because i was being stubborn with him .He slapped me until I got a headache then he said something and i shouted at him saying not to talk to me because i was furious. He then beat me again telling me not to shout at him by pushing me against the wall and kicking me badly until i got a bruise on my thigh. He then left the house. The worst part of this incident is that he never apologized for what he did. He apologized on the 7th day and his apology was like take it or leave it kind. He apologized while laying down on the sofa of course he was looking at me. I told him why he took so long to apologize and he said he apologized when he felt like its right to apologize, my heart was broken. He even told me why didn't you apologize for how you were speaking with me and i never shouted and said anything disrespectful to him but he said you provoked me and i hit you. He made me promise to never disobey him again and he promised he will never hit me basically he will never hit me if I obey him. Please shed some light on this matter as i am very confused that it didn't seen a big deal to to him. He is a good man though. The first time he hit me which was months ago, he was shocked he did that and told me he will never do that again and he bought me some flowers and stuff but this one got my head spinning.

OP posts:
Original poster
mayaNIS · 12/06/2017 03:26

anyone???????

OP posts:
outputgap · 12/06/2017 03:30

Hi Maya. First of all, I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. This isn't my area of expertise but there are lots of great women on here who will give you advice. But you will get more help if you move this to the relationships board. Report your own post and ask mumsnet to move it to relationships.

But in any case please consider reporting your husband to the police, and/or contacting Women's Aid.

Kateallison16 · 12/06/2017 03:38

Leave. My aunt stayed with a man like this and ended up murdered.

There is a better life out there. Get a friend to help you pack and stay with you, then leave.

It really is that simple.

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 12/06/2017 08:24

Hello,

We're just moving this over to relationships at the OP's request.

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Flowers
cestlavielife · 12/06/2017 08:27

It s not ok to hit you

You need to call police report it and leave

Think about Why are you focusing on the apology?

It doesn't make it ok because he apologises.
He hit you on purpose.
Never ok

cestlavielife · 12/06/2017 08:29

He has a problem you cannot fix.
Flowers + apologies don't make up for it.

glenthebattleostrich · 12/06/2017 08:33

He is not a good man. He is an abusive bully.

Please get in touch with women's aid. They will help you get away from him.

Neverknowing · 12/06/2017 08:38

How devastating for you op. As you've already seen, the violence will only escalate. You may well love this man but he will just keep hurting you Sad
He's an awful man, whether or not you 'provoked' him he should not have hit you. You need to speak to woman's aid and leave asap. Before he kills you. I'm terrified for you op! Don't let him know about this thread or anything else. Flowers

thatdearoctopus · 12/06/2017 08:52

You have to obey him or he'll hit you??
ShockShockShock

fessmess · 12/06/2017 08:55

Just sending love op.

pinkyredrose · 12/06/2017 08:57

He is NOT a 'good man'! He's the opposite of a good man! Obviously his nice guy act was just that, an act. You need to leave because he won't change. Look how sorry he was after the first time, didn't mean anything did it?

On average a woman is beaten 35 times before she leaves an abusive relationship, please don't stay for it to happen another 32 times.

JoJoSM2 · 12/06/2017 08:57

He's not a good man. He's a nasty, abusive, violent ***. I do hope you do the sensible thing of getting ring of him and reporting the abuse. Good luck!

HerOtherHalf · 12/06/2017 09:01

I'll tell you what I've told my daughters. If your DP hits you once, he will do it again and he will keep doing it. Once is once too often. There is no excuse. He is not a good man. He is a violent abusive bully. Don't waste time trying to change him or hoping he will change himself in time. Too many women have lost their lives making that mistake. Get out now, please, before it's too late.

AloeAloe · 12/06/2017 09:20

He's got you thinking that YOU did something wrong! You absolutely didn't. This is only going to get worse. You don't have to put up with it in this country because of cultural background, because you are financially dependant on this person, because you have children or anything. There are places like women's aid to help you. Please, please make contact as soon as you are alone. He won't change. He is enjoying his power over you. Flowers xx

MrsPughSingsSleafordMods · 12/06/2017 09:26

This is criminal behaviour that in other situations would see him arrested and charged with assault or some such. Do not focus on the apology that is the least of your worries. Focus on getting away from this deviant bastard.

NewDayDawning · 12/06/2017 11:47

It is never ok for him to hit you, it is irrelevant whether he apologised or not. This is domestic abuse. Please get yourself out if this situation, it will happen again and each time it will get worse.

Do you have family who can help you? Friends to talk to and ask for support? Please contact woman's aid, they are fantastic.

pinkyredrose · 12/06/2017 11:57

If he hit a stranger in the street he'd be arrested for assault. Why is it any different because it's you?

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 12/06/2017 12:02

Hi Maya,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband hitting you is absolutely unacceptable. The only amount of acceptable abuse is none. You really need to leave him. He may not hit you again for weeks, months or even years but he will always hit you again and you will spend the rest of your life living in fear and walking on eggshells. Leaving him is going to hurt and it is going to be hard. He will have conditioned you to believe this is your fault and that you can't live without him. You can, I promise you. I stayed with a man who beat me for 3 years after the first time he did it because I was terrified to leave. Because I thought I loved him and because I thought it was my fault and if I could just fix myself so he didn't have to hit me then it'd all be ok. It wasn't my fault and it's not yours. I think the penny dropped for me when my ex told me that if anyone in the village knew what he was doing to me they'd all hate him. It proved to me that he knew what he was doing was wrong and sick but did it anyway. I eventually left and even managed to testify against him in court which resulted in a guilty verdict. Please, please speak to womens aid. They can help you get a plan together and get yourself to safety. Forgive me if you've already said but do you have any children?

You really do need to leave, I know its hard but you can do it. Please start to look at options.

Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk or have any questions.

x

Original poster
mayaNIS · 13/06/2017 00:43

but at least i can let it go

OP posts:
MrsPughSingsSleafordMods · 13/06/2017 08:39

He'll do it again. How long are you prepared to keep "letting it go". He is breaking the law. If he did this to a work colleague or a shop assistant he would be arrested and the police/courts wouldn't let it go. It's no way to live, in fear of a man, never knowing when he might strike out.

MrsHathaway · 13/06/2017 09:45

Has he left a visible bruise yet?
Has he broken the skin yet?
Has he broken a bone yet?
Has he choked you yet?
Has he raped you yet?

I'm sorry to be so graphic but it's very rare for a violent man to stop being violent, and very common indeed for him to escalate. When you "let it go" you are resetting the level of acceptable violence in your relationship. Have a look at those questions and see how each one is a step up from the others. And gosh if you need to answer "yes" to any of them then you need to have a long think about where the bar is set in your relationship for how much violence you have shown to be acceptable.

If you aren't ready to leave, you aren't ready. But I think it would be a good idea to have a chat with Women's Aid or another independent group to chat through your short- and long-term options to keep yourself safe.

HildaOg · 13/06/2017 11:06

He's not a good man, he's a very abusive, dangerous and bad man. Please call the police and get help. You need to leave him now, he will continue to escalate until the beatings become more regular and severe. It will only escalate from here. Please get yourself to safety and stay as far away from him as possible.

dangle90 · 13/06/2017 13:10

Sorry you are going through this :( you need to get out of this relationship, it is proven that when domestic violence begins it more often than not escalates. You really really need to leave him. Thinking of you. X

Original poster
mayaNIS · 14/06/2017 02:02

thank you girls you are so sweet

OP posts:
ptumbi · 14/06/2017 07:44

The worst part of this incident is that he never apologized for what he did - no it is not the worst part. The WORST part is that he is beating you and you seem to have no idea how wrong that is.

It is assualt.

it is abuse.

it is violence.

It is illegal.

You can get it stopped. Leave him. Call the police. Call womens Aid. It is not your fault.

He is NOT a good man. He is not even in the same ballpark as a good man. He is in NO WAY a good man.

He is a wife beater. A WIFE BEATER! The lowest of the frigging low.

It is NOT YOUR FAULT!

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