my husband hit me

[mayaNIS]

Hello lovely ladies, I am new to this site I hope to get some answers from you.

My husband hit me for the third time since we got married. The last one was pretty bad. He told me he hit me because i was being stubborn with him .He slapped me until I got a headache then he said something and i shouted at him saying not to talk to me because i was furious. He then beat me again telling me not to shout at him by pushing me against the wall and kicking me badly until i got a bruise on my thigh. He then left the house. The worst part of this incident is that he never apologized for what he did. He apologized on the 7th day and his apology was like take it or leave it kind. He apologized while laying down on the sofa of course he was looking at me. I told him why he took so long to apologize and he said he apologized when he felt like its right to apologize, my heart was broken. He even told me why didn't you apologize for how you were speaking with me and i never shouted and said anything disrespectful to him but he said you provoked me and i hit you. He made me promise to never disobey him again and he promised he will never hit me basically he will never hit me if I obey him. Please shed some light on this matter as i am very confused that it didn't seen a big deal to to him. He is a good man though. The first time he hit me which was months ago, he was shocked he did that and told me he will never do that again and he bought me some flowers and stuff but this one got my head spinning.

Good men do not ever hit their wives. It's that simple. The first time he did it he was shocked and apologised. You accepted that so now he's ramped up the abusive behaviour, blaming you for provoking him and making you promise not to disobey him. He's done this because he knows he can get away with it and he can because it's very clear you intend to accept this behaviour. This abuse will continue and it'll get worse

He will never hit you again as long as you obey him? He sounds more like a slave owner than a husband. I think you should call Woman's Aid.

In a healthy relationship one person does not obey the other and there is no violence. In a good relationship you compromise on things, you don't follow orders. You're not his child or his property.

no i dont have any

The first time he hit me which was months ago, he was shocked he did that and told me he will never do that again and he bought me some flowers and stuff

and this time, he doesn't even go that far. You get a take it or leave it apology, The next time you'll get another beating for being upset.

He won't hit you if you obey him? He will decide what is and is not obedience and you will never work out the rules. He has to obey too. The law. Call the police and get rid.

My DP won't even play tap me on the back of the hand in jest. That's a man for you.

Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave.

Hello Maya

First of all, I am so sorry you have gone through this experience. It is certainly not something any one should experience, but it doe happen a lot.

I will only talk from my perspective and, I hope, I don't come across as a 'know it all'. I have gone through the same thing you are going through now. It all started on my first year of marriage and, like you, it repeated. Some times bad, some times really bad, some times I could not go to work because of the bruises I had. I put up with it for 6 years. Every time there would be an episode he would end up crying afterwards, feeling truly ashamed and buying me flowers, taking me on holidays, you name it. Perhaps he is not a diabolically horrible person but he is NOT a nice man. Nice people do not treat the ones they love like that. And please trust me when I say, the abuse gets worse. Situations escalate more and more and the more you stay the more complicated your self-esteem and life would be.
Abusive relationships have two components: the abused and the abuser, and they both play a role. The abused is co-dependent and, generally, an empath who feels "must" help the abuser, but you cannot help someone who does not truly want to change. No matter how much he cries or promises, he does not want to change. True change would mean he does it for himself, to improve HIS life. A promise and a flower is something to retail you, to get you to forgive him. It is not change.
If you believe in counselling do yourself the greatest gift and book a few sessions, find out why you are staying with someone who treats you like this and rebuild your self-esteem.
You've forgiven someone who abused you, you have a big heart and because of that you deserve someone that loves you with a big, healthy heart too.

lala9 honey thank you for your reply and thanks everyone, so why did you stay that long if he started to abuse you in your first year of marriage?

I made this mistake. And I stayed for far too many years hoping he would change and it would go back to how it was. But it never will. It just gets worse and worse. And it will break you.

The first time I was shocked, I had never dealt with a situation like that and all I wanted to do was just to leave. But he cried, a lot, and apologise, a lot too. So my lack of experience, vulnerability and good heart made me think he really meant it. The rest of the time was pretty much the same, until cycle of co-dependency is established (which happens before you know it) and I started living in hope that he would change one day.
Trust me when I say is a one way road and does not lead to a happy ending.
I also read someone above saying that you have accepted the first time he hit you and, therefore, a pattern was established there and then. I beg to differ with that, the abuser would be abusive with anyone, no matter how they react.

honey thank you for your reply and thanks everyone, so why did you stay that long if he started to abuse you in your first year of marriage?

Victims of abuse stay for lots of reasons:

They're scared of how the abuser might react if they try to leave.
They are afraid of change and having to cope on their own.
They are worried about how their friends and family will react and being seen as a failure for not making the relationship work.
They have been conditioned by the abuser to believe it's their fault.
They think that was the last time and it won't happen again.
They don't want their kids to suffer a family break up.
They minimize the abuse.
They cherry pick the abuser's positives (he's otherwise a good man).
They normalise the abuse.
They don't realise it is continually escalating.
They believe the abuser when he tells them nobody else will want them.
They think nobody will believe them.

I could think of quite a few more and it's generally a combination of these factors that come in to play. None of them are valid and all can be reasoned away.

You are asking the wrong question.Do not ask other victims why they stayed. Ask those who managed to get out how they did it. There are a lot of people on here who can give you amazing support in both the emotional and logistical challenges you will have to deal with. They will be more than glad to help you, you just need to let them.

One final point. The longer you stay, the more the abuse will grind you down and erode your emotional strength, confidence and self-esteem. Eventually, you will not have the strength to leave. Do not wait any longer.

You must leave. His behavior has ended the marriage. Staying with him is so dangerous for your mental health as well as your physical health.

Classically men like this only get worse. They never change. Women end up staying often because they fear if they leave he will kill them. Some do end up dead. I watched a murder trial of an abused wife who bought a crossbow and shot her husband while he slept. She truly believed killing him was the only way she could leave him without getting killed herself. She tried to say a burglar did it. She was convicted of murder but because the prosecution managed to bring in confidential evidence from the women's shelter she had used in the past the case was eventually dismissed and she's free now.

Please get to women's aid and get out of this marriage immediately. You are not safe with him!!!

"He made me promise to never disobey him again and he promised he will never hit me basically he will never hit me if I obey him."

What he is saying here, loud and clear, is not that he will never beat you: he is saying that the next time he beats you it will be your fault.

That's the trouble, isn't it, that we start to look for ways to change - him and yourself.

First time it's a shock - but he's sorry, it'll never happen again, he is as shocked as you are. You forgive. You don't tell anyone, for shame.
Second time, it's your fault, somehow. He's told you it is (and in between 1st and 2nd you are on best behaviour, looking for clues to the 'start' of the abuse - and he has been chipping away at 'you'). You change, You cringe. You walk on eggshells, hoping to deflect any abuse. You don't tell anyone. they wouldn't believe you anyway, right? He's such a lovely man, to them. So charming, a good job, a good father...
3rd time, you are so conditioned to believing it's your fault, and if only you can do this, or NOT do that, then he will be the good, fun man you love(d). never disobey him again and he promised he will never hit me basically he will never hit me if I obey him
You still don't tell anyone.
By the time you have realised you are abused, that people DO NOT have to live like this, you are in way, way deep, and still you think it's your fault, and no-one will believe you, because - well, you've put up with it for years!. Can't have been that bad, then .....

Plz leave OP this is not normal it will never stop you deserve better give womans aid a call they can help you seek safe accommodation

From what I've seen the reason women stay goes like this: first, total shock he could do this. Then he bends over backwards to make you feel better. And you do. Then it happens again, more shock that he has done it again. But this time you really really want HIM to make it all better again. In your bruised heart you think only he can heal you because you are so very hurt and he is the only one who could undo it. So a cycle of dependency begins, the violence continues, your self esteem and ability to think straight diminishes...its hell. Run for the hills!

He's not a good man. He's a violent criminal.

Go to the police.

Ring Women's Aid.

Mine not me black eyes until he beat me so bad I looked like a car crash then when I took him back he tried again a week later. If they do it once that’s who they are you can’t change them. I’m sorry I am, but tbis isn’t about who you are he is just a cunt. He would have done before and he will the woman after you. Please don’t let him escalate if you don’t walk away your basically saying he can get away with it. My children saw me I said I’d been mugged then when he started the next week my eldest had to be a witness. My poor kids.

RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!

Zombie 🧟‍♀️

Men should never hit a woman. Never. Ever.

Report this to the police.

Plan to leave him as a leopard doesn't change its spots. He had crossed a barriers and there is no going back.