Dilemma with FIL (UNPLEASANT TOPIC!)

[angharad]

I'm writing in desperation because I really don't know how to help DH with a dilemma he has with regard to his dad. DH's parents are products of 60s art school and had a very experimental lifestyle, esp sexually. When DH and his brothers were kids there was a lot of homemade porn around the house, mostly pics from parties his parents gave/attended. Amongst this DH (aged 8y) found pictures of a little girl he knew performing various sex acts. His brothers saw similar pics, the 3 of them have a "gallows humour" about their dad, but the subject has never been discussed properly. MIL is in complete denial about the way the family was, and since she and fIL divorced is even more of a wet rag than ever.

Since the paedophile programme on BBC2 DH has been having nightmares and thinks he should contact someone, esp as his dad has recently remarried and now has a 12y.o. stepdaughter. DH feels that this isn't the sort of thing one ever has a passing interest in and suspects hid dad prob looks at internet sites. To complicate matters further his mother is now dating the father of the girl in the photos.. DH is worried that police will be unable to check his computer/ will cause such a scene, find nothing and FIL's life will be wrecked.

DH doesn't have regular contact with either parent, gets on well with his brothers but he always calls them..He has also admitted that he goes through stages of thinking that I must see him as a potential abuser etc..All very upsetting. I can reassure him about himself, have pointed out that his dad just wouldn't come across kiddie porn sites "by accident" etc, but don't know what to do next. My gut feeling is that DH should speak to the police and leave it in their hands but i don't want to push him into anything, esp as most of the stuff DH saw is now 2o years or more in the past...HELP PLEASE!!"!

You poor thing (and poor dh). What an awful situation to be in. The BBC2 programme really changed how strongly I feel about all that stuff. I had to turn off after 5 minutes as I thought I was going to be physically sick and knew that the images they were showing would never leave my head and so couldn't bear to watch any more. I don't think I had really realised that there were people who were actually that sick out there. The other thing is that most of these people are someone's father/neighbour/friend and I think it shows that although in other aspects of their lives these people look normal/have redeeming qualities/nice aspects of their personality, despite this, we have a responsibility to try and stop people who we suspect may be involved in child pornography. I can only imagine how awful the situation your dh is in, but then any child on the receiving end of such treatment would be in a much worse situation and so I think that when weighed up is always better to try and prevent the worse case scenario. Good luck.

you have my sympathies,my dp father abused all three of his sisters and was found out and punished for it.as the years have gone by many other rumours have surfaced about him and other female family members.I think you are right in saying that this isnt something someone has a passing interest in,my dp has also gone through the stages of wandering if i think he will be the same though i know he never would be.we now have no contact with dp father of which im glad about,i myself was sexually abused at the age of 13 and the thought of FIL near our home made my skin crawl.I never let him near my kids unless someone was with him,i am due new baby in nov and if it is a girl i will never ever let him near it.i definately think your dh should speak to someone if even to let some of it go himself also ask yourself how you would feel if you ever found out anything else had happened to the kids concerned now.

Oh dear, are the photos in your possession? Is FIL a keen computer user? I don't really know what to say as it sounds rather complicated as it is your family.

Could you show the photos of the girl to the girl's father? Then the ball would be in his court to sort out with his daughter and you would not need to be involved. Or did he know all about it? R

Angahrad, how awful for you and DH. IMO the main thing is to protect any children that could become involved: i.e the 12yo stepdaughter. Does her mother know any of this background? Do you think she would have become involved with FIL if she had? What a difficult situation to be in, since as he says, your dh saw these photos 20 years ago. However, they were clearly paedophilic (is there such a word?) and maybe he's right, his dad could still be interested in children sexually. God, what a horrible thought. In which case maybe the police should be told. Was your DH abused? If not, why does he think you see him as a potential abuser? If so, then the case for telling someone is even stronger. God, it sounds so awful, sorry to ramble on, don't know what else to suggest. Is there any way you can find out about FIL's internet use/predilections before taking any action? OTOH maybe it's better to do something and be proven wrong than to fail to act and prevent a child from being abused.
Hope someone else can be more constructive.

What an awful position to be in. If you report your FIL you will feel guilty but if you don't you will be forever wondering if you have put the 12 year old at risk by not speaking out. Perhaps there are some helplines who might be able to help where you could talk it through without actually taking any formal action.

Angharad

What a difficult and sad situation for you and your dh. I can't add much to what's already been said, but I strongly agree that you seek professional advice. Whether you and your dh decide to pursue some kind of action, either through the police for example or personally confronting fil, I think you need support and guidance all along the way.

thinking of you both, Mopsy x

Angharad, sorry about this but I really do think you should tell the police. The heartrending story from the girl who was abused by her uncle 20 years ago shows that this sort of thing never leaves the children involved. Would you want to know if you were in the position of FILs new partner?
I realise this is very distressing for all concerned, but how would you fell if you found out in a few yrs time that he had abused this girl?
Perhaps you could see about getting some counselling for dh also, as it is obviously very difficult for him as well.
I personally wouldn't approach the father of the girl in the photos, but would pass info onto the police & leave it to them. They should be able to check out whether he still has any involvement.

I agree with Berries - the father of the girl may know about this anyway and for what ever reason didn't do anything.... So he might cover things up.
If you speak to the police, do share with them your concerns, worries. The bunch on BBC2 did look like a decent bunch (I mean the Scotland Yard bunch!)

Good luck. Keep us posted

How about speaking to the girl of the photos herself?

Angharad, I'm so sorry to hear this. I have no experience of such matters myself but if something dh saw in passing 20 years ago is giving him nightmares and anxieties about himself as a father, then he too is a victim of what went on. I think Sobernow is absolutely right to suggest Childline, or the NSPCC. By helping him put into context what he saw, and his response to it, they may be able to help him decide how to proceed. FWIW, if there is currently a child potentially at risk, I think something should be done to protect her.
Like Ellaroo, I could not bear to watch the BBC2 programmes. I think the police who have to deal with such matters must be applauded for their tenacity and determination to catch the paedophiles, but I question whether showing explicit footage and stills achieved anything other than bringing this material to a wider and unsuitable audience.
Good luck, Angharad. The original material may be 20 years old but the girl, whatever she is doing now, will still be living with its consequences. Your instincts to get your dh to do something are right on all fronts.

Angharad,this is so horrible for you and your dh. i can only echo all the excellent advice, both for your dh to talk this through with someone for his own benefit, and to report your concerns for the sake of any past or future victims.As parents you know that you would want to be made aware of the slightest potential risk to your own children. Don't try to talk to your FIL about this. Whatever has happened, he will deny it, and if any evidence exists, he will dispose of it. I too could not bear to watch the TV programmes. I know that paedophiles will often target the single mothers of potential victims. Your dh saw evidence of a schedule 1 offence being committed twenty years ago. Many more could have been committed in the intervening years. This was a crime, and should be reported. I realise how difficult this will be for you both.

What a terrible situation.

I have to agree with everything that's been said already. This is obviouly causing you distress and you would never forgive yourselves if anything happened.

This man should be reported, these children need to be protected. From experience I am not at all confident that paedophiles can change. My step-father was sent to prison for 6 months (23 yrs ago), he was sent for counselling/psychiatric help after he was released which did not help, he just carried on more or less where he left off!

angharad, I think both you and dh should seek some counselling and/or advice on how to deal with this situation. whatever you do, don't contact any of the parties involved, let the professionals, police/social workers etc deal with it, they'll know how to go about it and approach them in the correct manner. If your dh does decide to report the incident(s), his father need not know who it was that made the complaint.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, my thoughts are with you all.

Thanks for all the input, I think I'll try and steer DH towards the NSPCC. FIL is definitely a keen internet user as he met his new wife on an internet dating site, they married after meeting face-to-face once! We haven't had any contact with FIL since the wedding in Feb, prior to the invitation no contact for 2 years. DH's mum called last night (1st time in 10 weeks) and said that FIL isn't moving in with new wife until after school term ends, so we've got a few weeks.
DH hasn't seen girl in pics since they were teenagers, and we don't have the pics. He's adamant he wasn't sexually abused himself but his parents were so neglectful, I also feel that he suffered physical/emotional abuse. DH does suspect that the youngest brother may have been abused, but as their relationship is so distant he has never felt able to ask him.
Anyway, I'll give him a few days, tellingly DH has asked me to nag about his dad as he has said that he will try and avoid the issue again, I may suggest that I make the first phone call but we'll see!

Thanks once again!