My husband hates me

[LeanneBonJovi]

Hi,

I have been married to my husband for 9 months and he has been so horrible lately. A bit of background, I have been having a bout of depression and feeling a bit like the world is better off without me, I have also been very stressed out about money. I told him about these feelings and he said he was would be there for me. Yesterday, I asked him if he was going to the bank as he has lost his bank card and needed to go to the branch before it closed on a Saturday. As soon as I said asked he snapped at me then started saying he has fallen out of love with me and doesn't want to be with me. He walked out on me and was in the pub all afternoon, he then come back saying not to talk to him and he doesn't care about me. I wake up this morning and I'm told he hates me, I'm a twat, doesn't care if I live or die, he is smoking in my living room where my work clothes are drying. I have asked him to leave and he said he will go but he's not. Surely if you hate someone that much you would just go?

I'm crying as I write this. I just don't know what to do.

This is your cue to leave. Your future will be much brighter without him in it.

You say your living room - is the house in just your name? You are entitled to ask him to leave if so.
If it gets heated then ring the police and have him removed.
You can't file for divorce just yet. . A year married you can.

OP I couldn't read and run. What an awful situation. From the sounds of it you are much better off without this man in your life. If it's your house then definitely get him to leave, you don't need his negativity and horrid words around you. I don't think I couldn't even forget or forgive my DP for saying things like that, how hurtful of him to say that when he knows you're feeling vulnerable.

Where do you think his outburst has come from? Has he done this before?

He used so kind and would do anything for me. I was in an abusive relationship before and he helped me through all that. He lost his job last month and things were a bit tight but he's got a new job and things had got better. I worry about money a lot because I'm an Accountant and I think I have just picked it up from my work.

The house is a joint tenancy but I have been paying the rent. He says he is going but now he is sitting with a coffee.

Do I really deserve to be treated like this just because I care if there's food in the house?

Of course you don't deserve it DP.

Even if you are both hard up and going through a stressful time; to say, and repeat at a different time, that you hate your wife is not okay or a 'heat of the moment' sort of comment.

If you own the place you have a right to have him removed from the property if he is refusing. Do not be scared to call the police, he needs to leave as you have asked.

Sorry I didn't read the joint tenancy bit properly.

It is rented so I'm not sure where I stand. I just wish he would so I can lock the door and try and rebuild my life

He won't go quietly because he is getting what he wants out of this; he also has you to abuse. You can call the police and ask that he is removed. I would n the meantime seek legal advice too and start the divorce process in three months time. Womens Aid and the Rights of Women are also worth contacting now.

Can you get him removed from the joint tenancy?

It could well be of benefit you to now enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme; your boundaries in relationships are skewed and it may be that you've simply gone from one abusive relationship into another.

He's never hit me or anything and this has been the first time that he has ever been like this but I don't want him to be under the impression that this sort of behaviour is ok.

He is being abusive, no matter how angry or low you felt you wouldn't say these kind of things to your partner that you supposedly love. Run asap

I'm not usually one to join the collective shrieks of LTB!!! But if I were you I think I'd start packing his bags for him. You must be absolutely devastated but after the way he's treated you he has absolutely no business sitting in your home, drinking your coffee.

If you pay the rent, he has to go. Give him and his belongings a helping hand out of the door. Grit your teeth through the pain of it and remind yourself that you are not losing anything worth having.

Does he have depression?

Whatever the cause, you can't sort it. Either he's troubled and needs professional help, or he's an awful person and you should run now

I'm so hurt because all I ever do is my best, I work hard so we can have a decent life, I study so I can better myself and build us a future and this is what I get in return. Surely if he hates me that much he would want to be as far away from me a possible?

When we first got together 3 years ago he left in the early stages of the relationship to go to rehab and we didn't get back together for months after and that was 3 years ago yesterday

Legally you can't exclude him from the home if the tenancy is in joint names even if it's been only you paying all the rent.

If he hates you that much he should be happy to go. It sounds to me like he's picked up a few tips from you about how to be abusive.

People who can turn on a sixpence like this generally have other plans. I suspect he's met someone else and is looking for an excuse, any excuse, to up sticks. Tell him that he's welcome to go any time and mean it. He's an arsehole and none of us need arseholes in our lives.

I've said if theres someone else involved then to just go. I'm not forcing him to stay

Rehab? What was he in such a desperate situation that he need rehab for?

This bodes ill. Get him out!

you have had an abusive relationship in the past and it seems you are in one again now. You know that ltb is the only way. Am sure your depression will be much better once you are rid of him. You deserve kindness and support not this kind of treatment.

Drugs

OP this is awful I am so sorry.

Is this totally out of the blue or have there been signs you have misseds or excused away?

How long have you known each other before getting married.

Are there any children?

You have said for him to leave, is the home your home, rented in your name?

I hope he will leave. Can you invite a friend or family member over to be with you until he leaves or to be with your once he has gone?

I agree with Justmadeperfectflapjacks "If it gets heated then ring the police and have him removed."

About the depression, have you see the GP, if not, please book an urgent appointment as soon as you can and get some help.

You may find some help here too...www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.WT0qNGjyuUk

You say you need him to go to the bank as he has lost his card, then you go on to say there won't be food in the house?

If you work, do you have your own bank account/access to the joint bank account or does he have all the access, including to your wages?

Oh dear. You were in an abusive relationship and then you met him?

Is it possible even though he wasn't abusive to begin with that he got off on the 'rescuer' dynamic.

When I was out of an abusive relationship nearly 10 years ago now I encountered a man who seemed determined to rescue me and when I held him at a firm distance he then began a vendetta against me. Anyway, just saying that it can take the radar a while to recalibrate and also some men aren't genuinely good they get off on your vulnerability and rescuing you. Now that you're in the hum drum of life and you're employed and he's unemployed he's no longer your rescuer is he. And a man like that needs to feel good. So once again he's going to use you to feel good about himself but this time he's going to feel the power He has over you to UPSET you. He's going to witness your confusion at his volte face, your upset at his betrayal and your distress will make him feel that he is something and that he has some power.

Or maybe he's just met somebody else and checked out. Either way like pps say tell him that you're delighted he hates you as that makes things a lot easier for everybody as you won't be pleading with him to stay.

Do you have to ask for money?

You are in another abusive telationship and you are bankrolling this one

Contact the landlord and get him off the tenancy

You'vepicked another abuser I am afraid. This time extricate yourself on yoir own merit instead of relying on another man to save you. Do the Freedom Programme and find your balls. Don't date for at least a year.

Hiya Leanne
I dont have any helpful advice, just wanted to add that I am sorry you are going through this and it is wrong for anyone to treat you like this - even more so with your history. Could it be you are gaining too much confidence and maybe he likes to have a hold over you (this happened to me, so I am generally seeing this where it isn't - so sorry if this isnt the case). The fact you are studying and working hard for a better life, maybe makes him feel insecure, like you could manage without him?
It's rubbish you are reduced to tears, I hope that you can get some comfort at the knowledge people here are on your side and give you some good advice.
Good luck OP, in whatever you do