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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband hates me

73 replies

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 11:55

Hi,

I have been married to my husband for 9 months and he has been so horrible lately. A bit of background, I have been having a bout of depression and feeling a bit like the world is better off without me, I have also been very stressed out about money. I told him about these feelings and he said he was would be there for me. Yesterday, I asked him if he was going to the bank as he has lost his bank card and needed to go to the branch before it closed on a Saturday. As soon as I said asked he snapped at me then started saying he has fallen out of love with me and doesn't want to be with me. He walked out on me and was in the pub all afternoon, he then come back saying not to talk to him and he doesn't care about me. I wake up this morning and I'm told he hates me, I'm a twat, doesn't care if I live or die, he is smoking in my living room where my work clothes are drying. I have asked him to leave and he said he will go but he's not. Surely if you hate someone that much you would just go?

I'm crying as I write this. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 13:18

We did keep individual bank account. My bank account is fine I checked earlier and my card is in my bag

OP posts:

innagazing · 11/06/2017 13:21

Make sure you don't become legally liable for any debts he may have, or may run up in the future. I don't know much about how to do this, but hopefully others on here will be able to advise you.

Original poster

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 13:23

The only joint liability we have is the flat

OP posts:

Mellifera · 11/06/2017 13:23

Omg you dodged a bullet there.

Don't ever take him back! He told you he doesn't care if you're dead or alive? What an abusive arse.

Have you got any other finances together? Do you have savings? Check everything!

Please listen to what people are saying, you have a bad track record for picking arseholes. Take time out for yourself, maybe invest in some therapy to find out why you pick those types and how to prevent it happening again.

🍀🍀

Original poster

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 13:29

He's never coming back. I can't believe he just switched on me like he did. I told him one of the hardest things ever and he promised he would be there for me. He was saying 48 hours ago that his life was so much better with me in it and that I kept him off drugs and now this

OP posts:

MrsPeelyWaly · 11/06/2017 13:34

Op, the timing of his outburst and the conversation about you keeping him off drugs is very suspicious. A lot like those men who say they'd never have an affair whilst actually having one.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 11/06/2017 13:38

He's exploded the relationship so he can go back on the drugs. Being with you kept him off them, no 'you' then he can legitimately go wild. He's got the problem. It isn't you.

Farmerswifeupnorth81 · 11/06/2017 13:41

Why has he all of a sudden decided he doesn't love you ?? Its very odd or he has something to hide

Farmerswifeupnorth81 · 11/06/2017 13:45

Apologies I hadn't read the full thread when I comented before. This screams out he hasn't lost his bank card and is back on drugs. Your well rid op. Don't ring or text him and chase after him . Hugs

Xanadu44 · 11/06/2017 13:53

If he's been in rehab for drugs then you're not even supposed to drink either....it sounds like he may have relapsed. Maybe him losing his job had a more profound effect than you realised (as you did say you were depressed at this time) and maybe he's not loving his new job and has now taken it out on you. His cruel words may not be the truth right now but you definitely don't need this stress when you're feeling depressed. I hope you get this sorted asap and I'm really sorry you had to go through this.

Siwdmae · 11/06/2017 14:43

If you talk to the landlord and can afford the rent, you can stay and ask the ll to take him off the tenancy agreement. That way, he has no right to re-enter the property.

I know you have your bank card, but is there any way he could have copied it? Addicts are desperate people.

VanillaSugar · 11/06/2017 14:48

Original poster

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 17:56

Apparently we argue too much and we have gone as far as we can go together

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HeavenlyEyes · 11/06/2017 18:03

no - I think he is an abusive drug user who is probably having an affair. Your self esteem is most likely utterly trashed. You need the Freedom Programme and perhaps counselling to work out why your bar is set so low that you tolerate shit relationship after shit relationship. We know you deserve better - but until you see that too this self perpetuating cycle will just continue evermore.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2017 18:03

Then so be it

He quite obviously wants to fuck off and get wasted

Let him get on with it

Original poster

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 18:22

I know your all right

OP posts:

Original poster

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 18:23

I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow and I'm going to ask to be referred for counselling

OP posts:

Xanadu44 · 11/06/2017 18:35

I'm really sorry you've had to go through this. Be honest though, were you happy in this marriage too? If he's saying there were lots of arguments is this the truth or just some weird fabrication by him for an excuse? Either way you need to just look after yourself for now, make sure you're eating and sleeping and try to take some time to just let it all sink in. I know it seems awful now but everything will be ok. Xxx

Original poster

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 18:40

There's was a bit of arguing about money which I kind of expected on the one income but that's the thing is all of this came out of the blue.

We are open and honest about drug use, he has told me in the past if he has felt he might relapse, he does random drug tests which he had requested. It just seems like now I have a problem I don't get the help

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/06/2017 19:00

Then get help for yourself

Make sure it is about you now

Original poster

LeanneBonJovi · 12/06/2017 13:29

I have taken some time to get some perspective.

Have re-read all the comments, while I know it comes from a good place. I am not a battered woman, I am not a victim I never have been, I never will be. The abusive relationship ended very quickly after the abuse began so I'm not damaged from it, I moved on and got on with my life. I got back together with my husband knowing about his illness and there were measures in place to support his recovery which was what it was now whether or not he has relapsed that I don't know at this current moment in time and I don't know what will happen in the future as we are taking time apart.

All I am trying to say is I am not a victim, my self esteem is not on the floor, my boundaries are not skewed, I know what is right and wrong in a relationship and yes what happened was wrong but do I think I'm being abused...no because I would never let that happen to me like I put a stop to it previously.

OP posts:

HeavenlyEyes · 12/06/2017 14:22

'battered woman' - please educate yourself on what abuse actually is! Ir is not just about being thumped. You seem inutter denial tbh.

user1497276738 · 12/06/2017 15:37

Before we all start up in arms shouting LTB lets look at the facts.

Maybe the relationship has run its course, maybe they got married to quickly, maybe they want different things out of life we don't know but just because he has said some nasty things we automatically scream abuse because she had an abusive relationship before? No of course not. It sounds to me like he maybe having a hard time being unemployed and maybe arguing and nagging have got to him (I ain't say you have nagged). The fact that he went to the pub tells me he needed to get away. The nastiness is wrong but it may not necessarily be abuse. She is being judged on a past relationship, not everyone who is abused has low self esteem, don't judge someone on their past.

Now, the drug abuse: the fact that they have these measures in place show a commitment to recovery. Addiction is an ongoing illness that needs constant support. Has he been clean since he left rehab? Just because someone is an addict doesn't mean they have relapsed.

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