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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband hates me

73 replies

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 11:55

Hi,

I have been married to my husband for 9 months and he has been so horrible lately. A bit of background, I have been having a bout of depression and feeling a bit like the world is better off without me, I have also been very stressed out about money. I told him about these feelings and he said he was would be there for me. Yesterday, I asked him if he was going to the bank as he has lost his bank card and needed to go to the branch before it closed on a Saturday. As soon as I said asked he snapped at me then started saying he has fallen out of love with me and doesn't want to be with me. He walked out on me and was in the pub all afternoon, he then come back saying not to talk to him and he doesn't care about me. I wake up this morning and I'm told he hates me, I'm a twat, doesn't care if I live or die, he is smoking in my living room where my work clothes are drying. I have asked him to leave and he said he will go but he's not. Surely if you hate someone that much you would just go?

I'm crying as I write this. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 12:40

I've known him for 3 years, we broke up a few weeks into the relationship. I met someone else which was the abusive relationship. My husband kept messaging me at the time saying he regretted breaking up with me and that he wanted to be with me this was before he new about the type of relationship I was in. I left that relationship, we got back together, got engaged, married and everything was fine. We would argue like any other couple and argued a bit more about money when he lost his job which would happen on just one wage coming. It's just this because weekend when I asked him about the bank.

As he started a just b mid way through the month he only received 2 weeks wages so my wages went on rent and bills and his was for food and other household expenditures

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 11/06/2017 12:41

This has all the hallmarks of someone who's relapsed. Out of work, too much time on his hands. And I'd bet my bottom dollar that he's not lost his bank-card at all, it's been cancelled because he's run out of money. Hence the outburst to distract from the discussion at hand.

Get shot of him!

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 12:42

He is working

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 11/06/2017 12:43

Sorry, I see how long you have been together and the house situation, and that there were drugs and rehab in the past.

"The house is a joint tenancy but I have been paying the rent. He says he is going but now he is sitting with a coffee."

I am afraid I do not know the ins and outs of tenancy etc, can you afford to continue to pay the rent alone. Once the dust has settled you can decide how to proceed.

"Do I really deserve to be treated like this just because I care if there's food in the house?"

Of course not, has this really come out of no where?

"I worry about money a lot because I'm an Accountant and I think I have just picked it up from my work."

You can work through this, if money is an issue, and things are tight you can budget and work your way out of it. If you are simply worrying without reason you can train yourself out of that.

Agree with AttilaTheMeerkat "He won't go quietly because he is getting what he wants out of this; he also has you to abuse."

You are paying rent and he can be mean to you, what kind of man wants to live like that? An abusive one.

Agree to contacting Womens Aid.

Also agree "... your boundaries in relationships are skewed and it may be that you've simply gone from one abusive relationship into another."

I wonder if he is jealous of you, "...all I ever do is my best, I work hard so we can have a decent life, I study so I can better myself and build us a future..."

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 12:45

The Freedom Programme. What is it?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 11/06/2017 12:47

Is he still there, what is he doing. Someone suggested helping him to pack, be careful that this does not escalate into anything violent.

Thinking of you.

Italiangreyhound · 11/06/2017 12:48

This is the one I found, other posters may know of other things too.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 12:49

He said his dad is coming for him in 20 mins. I don't think he would hit me. He just said he has fallen out of love with me

OP posts:
MiaZadora · 11/06/2017 12:49

I haven't done it but I was in an abusive relationship.

In the last ten years I've learnt a lot about self-esteem and boundaries and self worth and I'd advise the following: as well as the FP

  1. making the decision to end the relationship yourself will send the message back up to your brain about self-efficacy. You are in control of the rest of your life and you believe that you have the power to better yourself. That is self-efficacy and the lack of that is at the basis of a lot of low self-esteem and abusive relationships but you have that in your working life! I recommend Lundy Bancroft's why does he do that as well as Nice Girl Syndrome.
MiaZadora · 11/06/2017 12:51

if you can't get him to move out without him abusing you and berating you and generally throwing an abusive and draining power trip, I'd start again in a tiny place in just your own name. You are the one with a good job and you can start again.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 11/06/2017 12:51

I'm told he hates me, I'm a twat, doesn't care if I live or die

That is why you need to LTB. You deserve far better than that shit.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 11/06/2017 12:52

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 12:53

What does LTB mean?

OP posts:
LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 12:54

I have had a look on the site and there's one that runs near where I live so I'm going to call them tomorrow

OP posts:
MiaZadora · 11/06/2017 12:55

It's great you can do the course on line !

VanillaSugar · 11/06/2017 12:55

How long do you have left on the contract for the flat? Can you give notice and then find a smaller place to rent on your own?

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 12:57

So I don't have to actually go?

I've got till Feb next year on the lease

OP posts:
Fluffypinkpyjamas · 11/06/2017 13:00

Leanne it means Leave the bastard ,sorry

LeanneBonJovi · 11/06/2017 13:05

He has gone

OP posts:
MrsPeelyWaly · 11/06/2017 13:07

Op, your comment about the bank card immediately made me think he has an addiction, that he's not lost his bank card, that he's covering up debts and your mention of going to the bank had him reacting like a scalded cat.

Then further on you mentioned he'd previously been in rehab.

I think you should seriously consider a future on your own.

MrsPeelyWaly · 11/06/2017 13:10

This has all the hallmarks of someone who's relapsed. Out of work, too much time on his hands. And I'd bet my bottom dollar that he's not lost his bank-card at all, it's been cancelled because he's run out of money. Hence the outburst to distract from the discussion at hand

Get shot of him!

I hadn't even read to the bottom of the first page when I posted but my thoughts are exactly the same as yours.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2017 13:11

Well done, Leanne. You take action now, don't sit back and let this man ruin your life

I suspect a dtugs relapse too. His OTT nastiness is not normal and smacks of a desperate attempt to keep you off the scent of what is truly happening. Whatever it is, you should want no part of it

rightwhine · 11/06/2017 13:15

Stay strong. Him being so horrible, whilst not nice, should make it easier for you to be angry and stronger in your resolve to move on. Please remember this and don't let him sweet talk you if he changes his mind.

Yes the Freedom Course sounds a good idea.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2017 13:16

Leanne, I think you should check all your bank accounts. Any that are joint, close them and take what is yours. Any that are in your name, change all the access details.

MiaZadora · 11/06/2017 13:16

He's gone! What a relief. Brew