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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's just moved himself back in - what should I do!?

65 replies

MartinaMartini · 10/06/2017 17:28

Just looking for some advice really...

Ive finally left narcissistic husband a week ago after more than a decade together. I'd put up with EA of me and our children, excess drinking, drug taking, pathological lying, gaslighting, staying out over night regularly, and then recently I found evidence of using prostitutes. This he denies but hard to tell what's a lie and what's the truth.

It finally dawned on me that there's no winner if I stay, despite all his pleas to change and telling me I'm exaggerating. I know the kids will be the losers and i dont want us to be living a half life any more. So I've decided to rescue myself and kicked him out. Feel my head is finally able to focus on the kids' long term MH without him able to sway me.

I've been doing really well and was feeling strong. Have had a lovely day with the kids and cooked us a lovely dinner to enjoy in the garden as per their request. Then the door bell goes. I answer and it's him. I had to remove safety chain to speak to him. And he demands to be let in.

Once inside he announces he's staying here the night as got no where else to go. Told him not my problem and asked him to leave. He does but takes my car! Comes back with beers. Then waltzed into the garden where me and kids are having out dinner to order a pizza in front of them!

He's now upstairs in my bedroom with his poxy pizza watching football!! He has announced that he'll be staying here when I go away for a few days this week.

I want to scream!!!! Hes just told me to get off my phone and look after our children!!! What should I do...really thought I'd done it and he'd finally bloody gone.

OP posts:
Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 10/06/2017 17:31

Call the police tell them youre seperated due to abuse and thst he stole your car and is refusing to leave

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 10/06/2017 17:33

Call the police tell them youre seperated due to abuse and thst he stole your car and is refusing to leave

This!

MartinaMartini · 10/06/2017 17:34

I'm scared to. I called the police the last time I left him and it didn't go down well. Worry I'll look pathetic for having taken him back in the middle.

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 10/06/2017 17:36

Well actually it not going down well will go in your favour when the police come won't it?? Ring them. .
The more raging he is the quicker he will be removed.

MickeyRooney · 10/06/2017 17:37

Police.

Ratbagratty · 10/06/2017 17:41

Police and call a strong friend or family member to support you.

sunnysouthend · 10/06/2017 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MartinaMartini · 10/06/2017 17:42

I'm trying to do this alone as my poor friends and family have been through too much to keep going over the same ground with me. They must be sick of it.

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 10/06/2017 17:44

Martina your family and friends love you very much, you don't have to do this alone. I couldn't have escaped my abusive XH without the support of my family and friends. And the police.

RandomChocolate8 · 10/06/2017 17:45

Don't worry about looking pathetic. The police won't judge you. Really.
He's betting on you not to call them and that is a deliberate bullying tactic on his part. Sorry OP, but you have to call them. If it makes any difference, the police being called is entirely on him. You wouldn't need to do it if he was a reasonable and respectful person .

OlennasWimple · 10/06/2017 17:45

Police and quickly, before anything escalates Flowers

buckeejit · 10/06/2017 17:46

Phone police now & then f&f-they'll be glad to know you're serious. You need to keep your stamina up for this. Good luck

MartinaMartini · 10/06/2017 17:48

I'm worried I'll push my mum to have another stroke. My friends must be sick to death of me. Ss called me after the last "incident" and I don't want to be on their radar so I can't call the police.

OP posts:
Didactylos · 10/06/2017 17:48

Police. Dont engage with him, its over.
You have said no, he has chosen in every way to ignore that no
How very fucking dare he

Didactylos · 10/06/2017 17:51

So while you worry about everyone else and the consequences on your mum, your friends and children via SS, what consequences is he worrying about?

MartinaMartini · 10/06/2017 17:53

You're right. He worries about absolutely nothing and no one. He's such a bloody good actor though- he'll make out I'm a loon.

OP posts:
EpoxyResin · 10/06/2017 17:54

Oh gosh, I'm sorry OP, it's awful. Is there a history of abuse then? I think I missed that. Because ordinarily I'd say I don't think the police can do anything; he's not stolen your car and he's entitled to be in the house as far as I'm aware, because marriage means these things are equally his until they are separated by the legal process of divorce. My EA ex-husband also refused to leave. I had no right to make him and no right to change the locks etc. It was a very unpleasant time until eventually he decided to move out of his own accord.

You need legal advice and you need to instigate a divorce. I'm so, so sorry if indeed it does turn out you can't make him leave, as I strongly suspect is the case. I know I couldn't - legally - when I was in a similar position, and neither could my mother in law during her divorce. Just preparing you in case that turns out to be true for you...

Parker231 · 10/06/2017 17:56

Police and ignore him until they arrive. If you don't do something about him now, he'll keep on coming back when it suits him.

How did he manage to get your car keys?

GeekyWombat · 10/06/2017 17:57

Call the police OP.

Flowers
Happilyinsane · 10/06/2017 17:57

Sorry to be so blunt (i mean this in the nicest way possible) but call the dam police get that absoulte waste of space removed from your house now! Call a friend they truly do love u and want to see u happy and safe for support stop the pity party and act now or the prick will keep taking advantage of u oh and change all the locks so when u do go away he wont be able to get in annndddd explain to nice police people that you are going away and hes treatened to break in and could they be so nice as to check on house and get a restraining order so he cant come near u and hurt u again!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/06/2017 17:57

Does it really matter if ss is involved? It's not about protecting the children from you but from him. I would have thought it would strengthen your case if you were to want sole custody.

Please call the police.

Parker231 · 10/06/2017 17:58

Change the door locks and don't give him a key !

CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/06/2017 17:58

You absolutely MUST call the police . You'll NEVER be rid of him otherwise . Your friends will only be fed up with the fact that you e 'taken' him back . Seriously, people only get fed up when you don't help
Yourself and by allowing him to stay IS NOT HELPING YOURSELF!!!!

Please PHONE THE POLICE .

EpoxyResin · 10/06/2017 18:00

Where are people reading this about physical abuse, I can't see it?

Pleeease be careful about things like changing the locks - get legal advice - if the abuse is emotional (which is harder to quantify and prove, unfortunately) I think you're on shaky ground legally. I don't think you can change the locks.

I hope the be corrected, for your sake.

Ceto · 10/06/2017 18:00

Find some reason to get him to go out (making sure you've hidden your car or your car keys, whichever is easiest), get that chain back on the door and lock the back door. Change your locks ASAP. Is there a way to stop him accessing the garden?

Is the property in your name? If so, look into getting an injunction to stop him coming there. Call Women's Aid to find out how.