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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's just moved himself back in - what should I do!?

65 replies

MartinaMartini · 10/06/2017 17:28

Just looking for some advice really...

Ive finally left narcissistic husband a week ago after more than a decade together. I'd put up with EA of me and our children, excess drinking, drug taking, pathological lying, gaslighting, staying out over night regularly, and then recently I found evidence of using prostitutes. This he denies but hard to tell what's a lie and what's the truth.

It finally dawned on me that there's no winner if I stay, despite all his pleas to change and telling me I'm exaggerating. I know the kids will be the losers and i dont want us to be living a half life any more. So I've decided to rescue myself and kicked him out. Feel my head is finally able to focus on the kids' long term MH without him able to sway me.

I've been doing really well and was feeling strong. Have had a lovely day with the kids and cooked us a lovely dinner to enjoy in the garden as per their request. Then the door bell goes. I answer and it's him. I had to remove safety chain to speak to him. And he demands to be let in.

Once inside he announces he's staying here the night as got no where else to go. Told him not my problem and asked him to leave. He does but takes my car! Comes back with beers. Then waltzed into the garden where me and kids are having out dinner to order a pizza in front of them!

He's now upstairs in my bedroom with his poxy pizza watching football!! He has announced that he'll be staying here when I go away for a few days this week.

I want to scream!!!! Hes just told me to get off my phone and look after our children!!! What should I do...really thought I'd done it and he'd finally bloody gone.

OP posts:

krustykittens · 10/06/2017 18:01

Wot everyone else said - call the police! Your family and friends might only be sick of you if you moaned constantly but didn't do anything about your abusive situation (even then, I doubt it). But you ARE trying to do something, call the police and then call a friend who is probably DYING to tell this waste of skin where to go! Don't worry about SS getting involved either, people need to know your husband is abusive!

Ceto · 10/06/2017 18:02

If the house is in your name, it doesn't matter how much he claims you're a loon, you're entitled to tell the police you don't want him there and ask them to get him to leave.

Lynnm63 · 10/06/2017 18:02

You didn't let him come back he gained entry stole your car and is refusing to leave. Call the police, tell them everything, refuse to engage with him until they arrive.

sunnysouthend · 10/06/2017 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EpoxyResin · 10/06/2017 18:04

Ceto I owned my house outright in my sole name and I was not entitled to change the locks when I broke up with ex-h. I was not entitled to have him removed by the police - they will confirm if that's the case in OP's situation, but if they're married and there's no suggestion of physical abuse it is not a foregone conclusion. Legal advice needed!!!

sunnysouthend · 10/06/2017 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 10/06/2017 18:07

You ended the relationship. So phone the damn police. A man you are not in a relationship with waltzed into your house and announced he was staying there with you and your children. He is now upstairs in your bedroom, having previously stolen your car. Would you be hesitating about phoning the police if any other man on the planet had done this?

PHONE THE POLICE, TELL THEM YOU ARE SEPARATED AND ASK THEM TO REMOVE HIM FROM YOUR HOME!!!!! (You need shouting at!)

IHateUncleJamie · 10/06/2017 18:09

OP Phone the Police and tell them you kicked your DH out because he is an emotional abuser, but that he has turned up and won't leave despite you asking him to.

If this ever happens again, DO NOT take the safety chain off the door!

DisappearingFish · 10/06/2017 18:10

Is it his house too?

EpoxyResin · 10/06/2017 18:15

A man you are not in a relationship with waltzed into your house and announced he was staying there with you and your children.

Unfortunately an individual's rights don't trump another individual's like this. What's actually happened is that a man has come to his house - unannounced or otherwise - and is staying there with his children. And regardless of whose name the house is under it is his house too by marriage until the courts decide otherwise.

If there is physical abuse (or perhaps verbal abuse too, I don't know) then perhaps the police will intervene. PP says injunctions can be sought? If there isn't they won't. The OP has the right to leave if she feels it would protect her and her children's well-being, bu it may well be she can't make him leave.

7461Mary18 · 10/06/2017 18:19

I cannot believe people's answers on this thread! If you jointly own the house or jointly rent it he has as much right in law as you do to it so how can he be excluded from his home any more than you could be?

The solution is you leave and rent elsewhere or you live together as i did with ex until the full divorce and financial court orders are made (took us 7 months)

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2017 18:20

IF the house is owned or rented in both names you are on iffy territory about getting him removed unless you have a court order. If there have been recent calls to the police you may have a better chance of the officers trying to talk him into leaving voluntarily. But you can't demand that a person leave a home they legally co-own. Yes, he should be made to leave, but that's not always the way it works.

Does he have car keys? If no, hide them in a secure location. If he does, do you have a spare and is there someone who you could trust to slip the keys to and ask them to move your car. Or is there someone you know who could disable the car (remove the battery for example, or take the starter out). I know you referred to it as 'your car', but is that because it's registered in your sole name or because it's the one you usually use. We refer to our truck as "DH's truck" because I rarely drive it yet it's registered in both our names.

If you can't get him to leave, the best thing to do is to be as 'neutral' and calm as possible. Don't be provoked, don't give him ammo, don't interact with him. Treat him as invisible. Wait him out. He'll have to leave at some point, even if it's to go to work. When that happens you again chain the door or leave the key in the lock. And don't let him in. Let him pitch a fit in front of the neighbours if he wants to because you won't let him in.

And make an appointment to see a solicitor immediately.

Original poster

MartinaMartini · 10/06/2017 18:25

It's in joint names.

OP posts:

GreenRut · 10/06/2017 18:25

Unfortunately, op, if you own the house between you and there is no record of physical abuse against you, then I don't think the police can or will do anything. Have just seen my best friend go through the same thing for the last 12 months and he still there.

In my experience, the only way he can be forced to leave is if you get an occupation order but they can be difficult to get.

Alternatively, if he's not playing ball and won't leave then the only way you can make him is by divorcing him and agreeing a financial settlement as part of the divorce, which will stipulate who is entitled to how much of the equity of the property. Then it gets sold and you both move out. Or if you can afford to, or the courts see fit to award it to you, you might be able to pay him out of his equity or keep the house until dc are older and then sell and give him his portion.

I'm not a solicitor but pretty much this is all I talk about these days so think I'm on the right lines.

EpoxyResin · 10/06/2017 18:25

IF the house is owned or rented in both names - even if it isn't it can be iffy! If it was bought since your marriage (perhaps even if it wasn't, but I have no experience of that) then it is a marital asset regardless of whose name it's in. And if it's rented since marriage it is both of your homes until the marriage is dissolved or an agreement otherwise is reached, regardless of names on the tenancy.

EpoxyResin · 10/06/2017 18:27

OP, if you leave and go and stay with someone for example, take the children with you. It's better then when they come to consider custody (assuming you want majority custody).

valeriej43 · 10/06/2017 18:32

If he is in your bedroom, what if he insists on sleeping with you ?
I would still ring the police now for advice on what you can do,

MissCherryCakeyBun · 10/06/2017 19:00

Okay unless you have an occupation order www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-occupation
And / or non molestation order
www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-non-molestation
he can enter the house and stay there if his name is on the tenancy/ mortgage ( believe me I've been there )

You are breaking the law to change the locks so don't do it as believe it or not he can have you arrested for doing it!

The police will assist you if they believe you and / or you children are in danger of violence

These people helped save my sanity please please call them they will not judge you and can help you understand and support you through the nightmare that this has become and will continue to be
www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

Please call them xxxx

AdoraBell · 10/06/2017 19:05

Call the police. Speak to Womens Aid.

Crazeecurlee · 10/06/2017 19:18

24-hour National Domestic Violence
Freephone Helpline
0808 2000 247
If you haven't already try giving them a call for some advice. Sorry OP x

IHateUncleJamie · 10/06/2017 19:20

Agree with advice to call Womens Aid as the house is in joint names. It may be that you need to leave with the children so that you are in a safe place where he has no legal right to waltz in.

viques · 10/06/2017 19:30

Do you think this is going to get better when he has finished drinking the beer? You need to do something about is now before it escalates into beer fuelled nastiness.

Bleurghghghgh · 10/06/2017 20:20

OP you need to call the police. Right now this is an annoyance but as the night goes on it's going to get worse. He cannot just enter himself back against your will. He's testing you. Call the police and show him that he cannot do this to you any more

Think about how tonight could spiral out of control and how that will affect your children. You need to get this bastard out NOW and the best way to do that is with the authorities.

Make the call.

SouthWestmom · 10/06/2017 20:54

He can just enter against Op's will. What law do pp think the police will act under (criminal not civil) in order to remove the joint tenant/owner from their property when there's no disturbance/violence/breach of the police and just op not being happy?

pigletpie29 · 10/06/2017 21:10

Surely he could just as easily phone the police to get them to remove the op if the property's in joint names? If there's been no crime I don't understand what they would be able to do? There needs to be an agreement, surely. He has as much right to be there as the op (even if he's being an utter dick about it.)

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