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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's just not interested in me is he?

52 replies

EarlyWelcome · 10/06/2017 08:53

I've been with DP for about four years. We don't live together and have a long standing arrangement where Friday night is our 'date night'.

He has always had issues with his timekeeping but last night was ridiculous. He didn't leave work until 6:40, then went shopping for something for dinner (I had been in the supermarket after work and offered to pick up whatever he wanted to save time). Then he insisted upon watching three hour long episodes of a tv programme. He insists that I am quiet when the tv is on, as he hates any noise when a programme is on in case he misses anything.

We hardly had an opportunity to catch up on the last few days and he just didn't seem interested. I feel like I am having to work harder and harder to get his attention and spend time with him.

I don't think I'm acting like a spoiled person, I don't make huge demands on his time, but I don't want to be his fourth or fifth option with whom spending time is a bit of a chore.

Sorry, I just need to vent. Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 10/06/2017 08:59

After 4 years I would give that a miss! No I dont think he is into you much. Sorry.

Ditsy1980 · 10/06/2017 09:04

If you lived together I wouldn't be too bothered by the odd night like that...however, it's the only night you see him. Why couldn't he watch his tv programmes on another night?!? I'd be mad. I think you're right sadly OP.

SaltySeaDog72 · 10/06/2017 09:08

Agree that sort of evening occasionally would be alright if you lived together, but you don't. And therefore more concerted effort is required. What do you think is going on?

Is he really such a catch with the insistence on no noise when watching the telly? Most telly is just not ffaf gripping or important surely, plus it sort of makes it a solitary activity even if you're together?

Why do you live apart, is that because the relationship has never headed that way?

dudsville · 10/06/2017 09:12

If you feel that way, go. You feel how you feel, fwiw I would feel the same, respect your feelings.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 10/06/2017 09:13

I think you already know the answer

springydaffs · 10/06/2017 09:15

Well this really is a case of someone treating you how you expect to be treated. He is taking you for granted bcs you allow it. He's giving you less and less space. It's insulting.

PLEASE knock this on the head and tell him to do one. I personally find a man who doesn't value his woman desperately unattractive. You are gorgeous and precious, he is not treating you like that.

Trills · 10/06/2017 09:20

He insists that I am quiet when the tv is on, as he hates any noise when a programme is on in case he misses anything.

He can go do that kind of tv-watching in his own house.

Original poster
EarlyWelcome · 10/06/2017 09:33

We don't live together for a number of reasons. He enjoys his own space (he is a lot older than me and quite set in his ways), his house is in an awful, dirty state (he is a collector of what, is to me, junk) and I care for a relative who would struggle to move house or deal with him moving in.

He has never told me he loves me or shown any great emotion. I'm improving my self esteem following counselling and I am realising that this is not what I want for the rest of my life. I'm in my early 30s and deserve better.

Thanks for your advice and for listening.

OP posts:
JustAMusing · 10/06/2017 09:40

He hasn't told you he loves you and you've been together for 4 years?!

You really do deserve better.

Teddy6767 · 10/06/2017 09:41

If it was me I'd have to have a very direct conversation with him about where the relationship is going.
4 years is a long time to be with someone and feel like they don't properly love you. The first few years should be the best and most exciting time of a relationship.

Sounds like he's very comfortable with his little set up - he gets his own space the majority of the time, but when he fancies a bit of company, you're there and he only has to make very minimal effort.

Can you ask him frankly how he feels about you and whether he sees the relationship moving forwards? If he's being vague then I'd move on if I were you. If he genuinely loves you and wants to be with you long term then he'll have no issues in laying all his cards on the table in an open manner.

If you do decide to continue the relationship then he needs to be told that it's not enough for you to come over on 'date night' to have to sit in silence to watch a tv show. I actually had a similar issue with my DP recently and when I told him how fed up I was getting with his lack of effort he was mortified and really upset that he'd made me feel like that. Ever since then he's been making loads more effort.

Don't ever settle in life for someone who doesn't give you much joy. Life passes by so quickly and there could be someone else out there who would completely adore you

carolmusic · 10/06/2017 09:42

You are worth better than this, leave him and one day you will find someone who really appreciates you and makes the effort to be with you. 'There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't jump puddles for you' x

Teddy6767 · 10/06/2017 09:43

Oh and if my DP hadn't told me within the 1st year that he loved me then I'd have binned the relationship. 4 years is far too long for this to have not happened! He's not making you happy or you wouldn't have posted this. Find someone who treats you how you deserve

Trills · 10/06/2017 09:44

Why do you want to be with someone who is "set in his ways", has an awful dirty house, and behaves like this?

Rather than ask if he is into you, have you checked whether YOU are into HIM?

leccybill · 10/06/2017 09:46

I'm glad your self esteem is improving, keep going to counselling.

I think you're worth much more than this man. You sound lovely.

Wormulonian · 10/06/2017 09:52

I can see no good future in this for you - he doesn't want to share or make an effort - you are young and this situation is not allowing you to grow and be happy. Time for a change. Well done on the counselling.

user1495915742 · 10/06/2017 09:55

No! You need to get rid of him.

DH regularly has to pause his favourite programme to listen to me nattering on. He does it every single time without complaint.

You're in your prime (early 30s) so get out there and find someone who really appreciates you and wants to spend time with you. Life is too short!

MickeyRooney · 10/06/2017 09:57

Fuck. I'd have ditched him after a few months. He sounds minging.

TheNaze73 · 10/06/2017 10:00

Why has it taking you 4 years to wake up to this?

Get both viewpoints here but, you seem too different

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/06/2017 10:02

Please don't tell me that after the tutting and ignoring during his epic tv watching, you have sex with this bloke? If so your a booty call and convenient.

Get some respite for the relative and get thee out for some social life, martyrs historically die young op, unless your names joan and your from France, dump this loser.

Original poster
EarlyWelcome · 10/06/2017 10:14

Guiltypleasures haha no my name is not Joan and I'm not from France! I just left and went home last night. I didn't want to sleep with him, as I just felt rejected and not attracted to him.

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 10/06/2017 10:16

So you're not attracted to him, he makes you feel unloved, he lives in a mingin home and he makes zero effort with you. Why are you wasting another minute with this guy? Surely it's better to be single than be with someone who causes you anxiety like this?!

Eatingcheeseontoast · 10/06/2017 10:17

What is the point?

Doesn't sound like he'd notice if you finished with him. Get out on a Friday night and fo something fun instead, join a dance class or film club. Something anything!,

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/06/2017 10:24

Yes to get out tonight op, salsa classes 👣or a spin class🚴 that's enough emoticons 💐

Honestly, give your head a wobble, your surrounded by the elderly including him, you've grown to used to it.

Cut and run X

Original poster
EarlyWelcome · 10/06/2017 17:03

Thanks everyone. I'm off out for drinks in Newcastle tonight with some friends. It's long overdue! Wine

OP posts:
Trills · 10/06/2017 19:30

Go have some fun. Stop wasting your time with this guy.