Boyfriend's mum says I'm too old for him and attacked me

[raindropstea]

Yesterday I was visiting my boyfriend's/partner's parent's house. His mum has a history of being emotionally abusive, screaming at him, etc. Both of his parents are volatile and were physically abusive to him growing up. We have an 8 year age different. I am early 30s. I've finished my degree and he still needs to study, but I see potential in him. I have had my doubts about the relationship, but we are working on things... I don't know if we will last or not, but I do love and care a lot about him and it pains me to overhear his parents talk down to him and degrade him. I literally heard his father call him a piece of sht multiple times yesterday and tell him to "fck off."

But earlier in the day his mum screamed at him that "She's too old for you... I think she's too old for you. She just wants a younger guy she can manipulate." (He brings me drinks and doesn't have me go get it myself and things like that when I'm visiting their house). So due to this, she finds me to be manipulating him. These things are incredibly hurtful to me! I spent most of yesterday crying. She then shouted "I don't give a SH*T if she can overhear me."

I have not made much effort to talk to his parents because I don't want to get to know these people. I find them rude and abrasive and LOW CLASS. I have treated them with kindness and done things for them, baked them things, even got his mum a sympathy card when their dog passed away (their 12 year old dog passed away and less than a week later they got a new puppy in the midst of moving into a new home - not a safe place for a puppy as the house is a freaking disaster).

There is so much more I could write here, but you get the idea of it. I'm just so hurt. I'm also feeling OLD AS HELL right now after her words. I didn't go out in search of a guy younger than me. I met him online of a forum that we were both on. He chased and pursued me. He was kind to me. We have had issues, but I care about him very much. I came into it with a clear and open mind about getting to know his parents, but they have been beyond horrid. I feel his mum and dad have crossed lines and boundaries and there is no going back.

Her words are terrorizing me and keep going on instant repeat. He told her I had been bawling my eyes out and she rolled her eyes. They had a "family discussion" after she said all those things about me which is when his dad called him all those things. He said I am rude because I don't always greet him. I tried the other day, but he walked past me while looking down at his feet the whole time. I am shy and have anxiety aroudn these people (because they are so volatile). He never looked up at me... usually I tend to smile and then say hello after making eye contact. Why would you walk past someone and look down at your feet the whole time if you want to greet them?

To make matters worse, they had this discussion in front of his two younger brothers with his mum constantly repeating "She is 8 years older than you!!!!" She suddenly has this issue with me. We have been together 2 years now and in the past she said it didn't matter. I've asked him repeatedly if he would rather be with someone younger than me. He says no and that he only wants me. She then said "Well girls in their 30s start to want babies and you're not ready for a baby." Said all this in front of his brothers. He said "I can change that and I'm working towards it." He wants to marry me. I don't want to be related to these people. They are beyond awful. It hurts so much. I've never had issues with a boyfriend's family in the past at all, always had great relationships with the parents and siblings, some that I am still friends with to this day.

I feel so judged and hurt by the comments that they have made...and attacked, embarrassed, etc. Questioning if my life is just one big joke.He told her I had been crying and knew what she said and she rolled her eyes. Her dad kept screaming at him to "bring her here and make her tell me to f*ck off to my face." He refused and told them I would never do that. I'm scared of these people. Wtf, I'm not going to go up to them and say that and although I'm hurt (and probably will eventually start to go through anger), I don't want to give them the satisfaction of stooping to their level and engaging in an argument with them. Please help, what should I do from here? Feeling sick over this.

Nobody is defending their behaviour, OP.

But only you can do something about it. You can chose to be around them (knowing you'll get yelled at, slagged off etc.) or you can be a grown up and put yourself first. They only yell at you and hurt you because you keeping round there and enabling them.

User, lol. I had to laugh. It was hard not to go in there and give them a piece of my mind. I was also utterly exhausted from crying. I guess I keep thinking to myself they aren't worth the energy it would require to tell them off. But man, I sure do fantasize about saying something similar to them as what you said to your ex partner's dad!!! That must have felt good to let that out.

They weren't yelling at me. They were yelling ABOUT me to AT him, which is worse. His mum is two faced as hell and can run her mouth but then rolls her eyes when she learns she's hurt someone. And to the poster who said I shouldn't give them the satisaction of letting them know I was crying (as when my partner told them), you are exactly right. THey are the type of people who would take satisfaction in knowing, as my mum would say, that they've "got someone's goat."

But partner and I have already agreed I'll never talk to or see them again, won't go round there and he most likely will be cutting ties with them soon. He agrees with people here who have said his parents are degenerates.

But partner and I have already agreed I'll never talk to or see them again, won't go round there and he most likely will be cutting ties with them soon. He agrees with people here who have said his parents are degenerates.

I'm glad to hear that is the case. Neither of you need them in your lives.

She's going to hate any girlfriend of his because you give him love. She'll be jealous of the attention he gives you and threatened by the fact that you have a relationship based on trust and mutual affection instead of lies, abuse and manipulation. Don't discourage him from going NC - and don't expect them to change.

There's a thread on Relationships for people with batshit crazy parents, Stately Homes - you're welcome to pop in and say hello

It sounds like you love him very much. If you both see a happy future together - you really need to follow through with going NC, and stick to it! They wont change. Best of luck

I grew up with a Narc/Toxic GM. I've been with OH 20 years, it was a little over 15 years ago when I first started to realise MIL is a Narc/Toxic as well. My advice, run, run very fast and don't look back. You are setting yourself up to a lifetime of pain, disappointment and every life event turning into the IL's show. Having a baby, don't forget the most important person, GM! Medical emergency, hospitalised loved one? If it's an acceptable illness they will run the show, pushing GC out of the way, to show how much they care. MH issues, sectioned? Lies all lies, deny, oh the shame. Life moves on, gets more serious, they don't change, show compassion or understanding, things only get worse. This is the IL's show and you are just a bit part, it isn't about you. Except your OH isn't fully in FOG and may well not spend the rest of your lives trying to do what he has been trained to do, keep his parents happy above all else. He sounds like he wants to escape. Talk to him, if he doesn't want to live this way he can change it. If he wants to stop it help him, support him, there will be lots more drama as they try to keep control, but ultimately the most likely outcome will be very low to no contact as Narcs won't change. If you just get the same old excuses for their behaviour, it's not that bad, etc, and but we're family bollocks, then run, it's not about you and it won't get better, only worse. I wish I'd realised 20 years ago

You and your partner may find this advice on dealing with difficult people useful. No contact may be your best option, but if you do ever find yourself reconnecting some of these tactics sound like they would be useful

captainawkward.com/2012/05/14/247-marrying-into-a-family-with-awful-boundary-issues-or-secrets-of-dealing-with-highly-difficult-people/

I think you and your boyfriend need to grow a backbone, tell them to fuck off and leave the house. Why would you sit there crying, afraid of them? What are you afraid of? What can they possibly do to You?

I can understand your boyfriends need to try and please his parents if he has grown up in an abusive home but of he is unable to stand up for them, leave the house and start his life, he needs to go to counselling to help him. Otherwise this will be both your lives and you may as well step back from the relationship now.

If you have kids with him, these people will be their GRANDPARENTS... imagine what that would be like.

Thank you all. And I'm definitely going to read that link, reetgood. But for now I'm not having anything to do with these people and as some as you have said, degenerates.

Snip, I read your post to my boyfriend. He says he agrees with you, but if he were to tell his dad off and stand up to him, his dad would be likely to punch him in the face. This family is highly toxic and abusive and have been physically abusive with him in the past. He is embarrassed to admit, but he's afraid of his parents even as an adult.

Scaredycat, thank you for your advice. I am taking your advice to heart. I'm so sorry you had to deal with 20 years of that. But on the bright side, you now know and have freed yourself. I've told my boyfriend I won't live with his parents poisoning our lives anymore and he agrees.

Good god!
NC with both this bastards, forever.

They will poison everything to do and everything you have.

Yeah I'm not getting why you go there OP. Don't visit them, and tell your partner that you are not going either. They do sound like horribly controlling and abusive dicks though. 8 years is a fairly small age gap, so don't worry about that. They are just finding anything they can to discredit you (and the relationship you have with their son.)

I know someone right now who has an emotionally abusive, controlling, narcissistic mother; his dad was with her for 10-11 years and she had 2 kids with him. 12 years ago, when the kids were about 8-10, he left her, (they never married.)

This lad (I'll call him Josh,) put up with his mother's behaviour until he was 21; she would scream in his face, tell him he is stupid, laugh at anything positive he did, refused to let him go to uni, and took almost half his monthly wage because she 'needed it' because she lost £350 in tax credits and child benefit (when he hit 18,) and she regularly hit him (and his brother.) His brother is now an aggressive and arrogant and shouty misogynist, and Josh is quiet and timid and rather fragile.

Josh met a wonderful girl who was feisty and confident and started telling him to fight back. Mommie dearest didn't like that and did everything she could to split them up. She didn't manage it and pushed them closer together. So he left his mother and moved in with his girlfriend.

A few months later, the brother left too, to join the services, and the nasty bitter little troll of a mother was then alone, and £800 down on her income. The dad of the 2 boys had been paying the mortgage on the house since he left 12 years before (the house cost £65K in the 1990's when they bought it, and only £15K was left, and the house was now worth £290K.) He also stumped up a couple of 100 a month each for the boys too.

Even though he didn't love her and didn't want to be with her, (because he realised what she was like) he still wanted to look after his sons. But he said very early on, that when both boys left, he wants his equity from that house, and will sell it. It was in his name, he had looked after her (and the boys) financially for 20 years, and so he sold the house.

Result for being a cunt? She had to get a JOB. And she lost her house. He did give her £100K though (of the equity,) towards a new house, which I thought was rather generous really.

Of course, she blames Josh and his girlfriend for everything that's happened, even though SHE is the one to blame, and as I said, her ex said he was going to sell the house when the 2 boys had left home anyway. This all happened 20 months ago, and Josh has never been happier. He is started to get a lot of confidence in himself, and knows he is not the worthless piece of shit that his mother made him think he was. Much to the old harridan's disgust, Josh left and lever looked back, and has had sod-all to do with her for all that time. He and his girlfriend never see her. Most of the wider family hate her, so it's fairly easy for them to have a relationship with them.

Only her brother, and the other son took her side. Josh still has loads of extended family. He has his dad, step-mum, step-sister, (and her family,) and also a number of aunts and uncles, and grandparents, and cousins on his mother's side AND his dad's side. Many of them confess to not liking his mother, and most have them have nothing to do with her.

Not all mothers are wonderful human beings who deserve love and respect. Some are cunts.

rain Sadly I haven't escaped. MIL just pulled the worst stunt ever, life got very serious, then she started, I can now add anxiety to the depression that I should really go to the Drs with. I'm guessing I experienced an anxiety attack at the height of it all. And she's still going, twisting that knife, making up lies.

Scaredy, why on earth are you still in contact with her? She sounds monstrous.

Because I thought I was too clever to let her control my family. Because it takes two to nc. Because it's much more subtle than rain is suffering, manipulation of reality and people is her thing, harder to confront. Because it's a slow, drip, drip, drip. Because living a few hours away means OH can ignore the problem, until next time. Except MIL went to far this time, her worst nightmare would be me standing in the middle of her street screaming telling the truth. Now that could make her go nc with us....................

raindropstea no, at 31 you are far from old! Your 30s are a fabulous time. I am 8 years older than my husband, although we met when we were quite a bit older than you and your boyfriend. I was 42 and he was 34. When he told his mother on the phone that I was in my 40s she went a bit quiet, but since then there's been no mention of the age gap, and we ourselves have forgotten about it. It only comes up sometimes if I mention a song I liked when I was, say 18, and he says 'oh well I was only 10 ...' but then we laugh about it.
I'm glad you're not going to have these people in your life - you don't want to be around anyone who sucks the joy out of life, or makes you anxious or frightened. Good luck!

They sound awful, but you are WAY too hung up on your age, the age difference, and his mother's comments about your age.
Very unhealthy.
Forget about them, and start concentrating on fixing your own issues.

Some people are filled with hate and have to share it.

If it hadn't been your age, it'd have been something else. There are much wider age gaps than yours and the relationships work.

You've walked into a hornet's nest that managed to produce one sweet, gentle bee. In honesty, knowing what I know now, I'd be very careful to observe his underlying character as well as his personality - how he handles anger, how he treats waitresses - because if you come from a highly aggressive family sometimes that molds someone underneath. Observing them for a time can help you see if they have been affected or if they've come through.

But as for the venom of your partner's mother? that's exactly what it is, venom. Identify it and walk away.

Take the power back, op. Your partner clearly loves you and as someone said up-thread, sounds relatively stable.

I think the pair of you both realise what awful people they are and your partner has tried sticking up for you. Those words they are screaming must surely hurt him too?

Emotionally cut ties with them and don't keep asking your partner to decipher bullshit that hasn't even come out of his mouth!

If you want this to work, you have to stop their negative behaviour being your primary focus.

Your partner cannot change them.

I agree low class was a poor choice of words, they're shittiness is nothing to do with class, they're just shitty people! There are plenty of upper class shitty people too.

That aside, I would second what others have said and don't see them anymore, and support your boyfriend to go nc too when he's ready. He may well need some professional help with this.

Oh and I'm 38 and my boyfriend is 27, we're really happy together (he is nc with his narcissistic cunt of a father too actually).

The woman believes she is pyschic and that she can "divine" for things. She went around the garden with two sticks thinking she was going to "divine" for rain water for the garden
Ah. My dad isn't psychic, he isn't a believer of any kind, but he's good at dowsing. He can find water underground, using sticks, or his preferred 'two straightened out metal coathangers'.
I can't dowse for water. But, I have on many occasions found missing items by 'calling' to them, then holding out my hand and letting the items draw my hand towards them.
So whilst your partner's mum might indeed be barking and 'low class', there might be something in the dowsing.