Boyfriend's mum says I'm too old for him and attacked me

[raindropstea]

Yesterday I was visiting my boyfriend's/partner's parent's house. His mum has a history of being emotionally abusive, screaming at him, etc. Both of his parents are volatile and were physically abusive to him growing up. We have an 8 year age different. I am early 30s. I've finished my degree and he still needs to study, but I see potential in him. I have had my doubts about the relationship, but we are working on things... I don't know if we will last or not, but I do love and care a lot about him and it pains me to overhear his parents talk down to him and degrade him. I literally heard his father call him a piece of sht multiple times yesterday and tell him to "fck off."

But earlier in the day his mum screamed at him that "She's too old for you... I think she's too old for you. She just wants a younger guy she can manipulate." (He brings me drinks and doesn't have me go get it myself and things like that when I'm visiting their house). So due to this, she finds me to be manipulating him. These things are incredibly hurtful to me! I spent most of yesterday crying. She then shouted "I don't give a SH*T if she can overhear me."

I have not made much effort to talk to his parents because I don't want to get to know these people. I find them rude and abrasive and LOW CLASS. I have treated them with kindness and done things for them, baked them things, even got his mum a sympathy card when their dog passed away (their 12 year old dog passed away and less than a week later they got a new puppy in the midst of moving into a new home - not a safe place for a puppy as the house is a freaking disaster).

There is so much more I could write here, but you get the idea of it. I'm just so hurt. I'm also feeling OLD AS HELL right now after her words. I didn't go out in search of a guy younger than me. I met him online of a forum that we were both on. He chased and pursued me. He was kind to me. We have had issues, but I care about him very much. I came into it with a clear and open mind about getting to know his parents, but they have been beyond horrid. I feel his mum and dad have crossed lines and boundaries and there is no going back.

Her words are terrorizing me and keep going on instant repeat. He told her I had been bawling my eyes out and she rolled her eyes. They had a "family discussion" after she said all those things about me which is when his dad called him all those things. He said I am rude because I don't always greet him. I tried the other day, but he walked past me while looking down at his feet the whole time. I am shy and have anxiety aroudn these people (because they are so volatile). He never looked up at me... usually I tend to smile and then say hello after making eye contact. Why would you walk past someone and look down at your feet the whole time if you want to greet them?

To make matters worse, they had this discussion in front of his two younger brothers with his mum constantly repeating "She is 8 years older than you!!!!" She suddenly has this issue with me. We have been together 2 years now and in the past she said it didn't matter. I've asked him repeatedly if he would rather be with someone younger than me. He says no and that he only wants me. She then said "Well girls in their 30s start to want babies and you're not ready for a baby." Said all this in front of his brothers. He said "I can change that and I'm working towards it." He wants to marry me. I don't want to be related to these people. They are beyond awful. It hurts so much. I've never had issues with a boyfriend's family in the past at all, always had great relationships with the parents and siblings, some that I am still friends with to this day.

I feel so judged and hurt by the comments that they have made...and attacked, embarrassed, etc. Questioning if my life is just one big joke.He told her I had been crying and knew what she said and she rolled her eyes. Her dad kept screaming at him to "bring her here and make her tell me to f*ck off to my face." He refused and told them I would never do that. I'm scared of these people. Wtf, I'm not going to go up to them and say that and although I'm hurt (and probably will eventually start to go through anger), I don't want to give them the satisfaction of stooping to their level and engaging in an argument with them. Please help, what should I do from here? Feeling sick over this.

I'm insecure tbh. When I hear my age being constantly talked about by her (while I'm in the next room shaking and upset), I feel like someone is tearing me apart. I feel like she's saying I look older than him or that my life is a joke. When I'm with him, we don't think about the age difference at all... when I tell people my age they are often shocked and say I look early 20s. The only reason I even mention this is because her words have made me doubt myself and feel like I have no business being with someone younger than me (we've been together 2 years).

You're allowed to be hurt - nobody is saying otherwise, but you need to stop putting yourself in a position where she can hurt you.

Just don't see her. Don't go there. You're 31, you don't need to be hanging around your boyfriend's parents' house if you don't want to. He can go - you can stay at home or find something else to do.

I think you're making it a lot harder than it has to be. He can't force you to see his parents, and they can't force you to see them either.

Quintessential, I definitely do NOT want him to be subjected to the abuse of his parents!! Please don't take what I said out of context. I want him to end ties with his parents for himself. Not for me.

Before yesterday, he wanted me going with him because he's literally afraid to go by himself. We're both terrified of these people. I went there to support him.

Well he need to stop going doesn't he? Why is he bothering to visit people who scare him?

31 is a wonderful age. You're not too old for anything.

Would you consider taking some kind of building self-esteem / confidence course? I think something like that might help you.

But you're encouraging him to go, by agreeing to go yourself.

Just tell him you refuse to be around people who treat you like that. If he wants to go, he can, but you won't be part of it.

He's a grown man (apparently). He doesn't need you there to hold his hand.

Whilst I think his family are completely awful, I'm still a bit confused how you even end up visiting someone's house without greeting them. You said the father had his eyes down, but did you not go and say hello to the mother?

Where does your DP normally live, as you say you were visiting - do you mean you were visiting as a couple?

At any rate, you say you love your DP but there clearly seems to be a lot of misgivings. You've mentioned that you are working through problems at several points, have said he has 'potential', you don't know if it will last. Are you sure the relationship really worth it?

Your age is not the problem here, I don't think looking younger than you are is relevant either

His family sound like a nightmare. You both need to decide what to do about that. Either you go low/no contact or the relationship is doomed regardless of your ages.

I was a bit surprised at the "he s got potential" you arent employing him love! Thy family sound as though they wouldnt like anyone frankly. I am 7 years older than my DH, before I met him I went out with a 25 year old at nearly 40, before that I was asked out by 18 year olds I worked with. I found blokes my age really boring. His brother was "funny" said the woman should be younger than the man. I worked with a stunning looking woman nearly 40, with a DH of 23, they had a baby, as far as I know are still together. My DH M walked out on her young kids went off with another man, she was a sarcastic bully, went too far one day, B & S who never had a good word to say for her took her side,so he desided to cut all ties with her and his siblings, never looked back.

Just to add, I'm 31 and my bf is 25 - we don't think about it either, he's just him and I'm just me! The only time it comes up is when we're discussing stuff from our teen years, which just makes us laugh what a difference 6 years can make!

I'd say that visiting these people is enabling their behaviour. Time to cut your losses with them!

We were clearing stuff out of a separate flat on the property. It's complicated. We were also coming and going for a couple hours. I was helping him clear out the attic which had stuff in it of his his mum wanted gone. So while I was doing that, he went in this house which is when all this took place. I said hello to both of them later in the day but when she shouted I just kept to myself. They kept demanding he bring me in there so I could have my say (his dad was telling him to make me come in there and tell him to "f*ck off" an told him he needed to "sort his woman out" (me).

I do have misgivings, but I love and care about him and absolutely hate that his parents treat him the way they do. I feel very badly for him and they've held him back and been absuive. He has horrible memories because of them. And yes, from now on I refuse to have anything to do with them. I'm just not this type of person though and generally get along well with people.

Stop going round. They will be happier. You will be happier. What your bf does to deal with it is up to him and him alone, he's a grown up.

Sounds far too complicated for a two year relationship!

The "potential" comment was meant to imply I believe he will do great things in his life. He has no qualifications right now and that's mostly due to his parents using him as free labor on their property. So maybe my choice of words wasn't the best, but it was meant in terms of I think he can do whatever he wants to do with his life.

literally heard his father call him a piece of sht multiple times yesterday and tell him to "fck off."

He's very upset with them and doesn't want to speak to them again. They've done similar things like this in the past and I've always encouraged him to try to work through it with this parents

Quintessential, he does want to stop contact with his family. But I don't want that to be because of me

Maybe it's nothing to do with you?

Maybe he had enough of dealing with their behaviour and it's impact on himself? He's an adult able of making decisions about who is in his life surely?

Maybe having had some of the behaviour directed at yourself you could think about having what 20+ year of that might be like and perhaps do less encouraging him to make up and more supporting his choices whatever he decides to do contact wise?

As for yourself - don't go there and have contact and you won't have to deal with such comments or remind yourself you really don't care what they think - and dismiss it - dismissive laugh or dig back , ignore it or don't react or calmly state it's none of their business. I don't know what would work best with them as I don't know them.

What I wouldn't do is cry about it and let that get back to them via your bloke. They've already made it clear they don't care if they upset you so why give them such satisfaction?

.

He's 23, you're 31. You seem to be established and he has potential.

Potential is fine if you are both 23 but do you really want to be with him several years for him to get his act together. Then maybe change his mind about what he wants?

31 is not old but you have to seize the time you have. If you want a family you're coming up on 35 pretty quickly from 31.

Add to that a pair of abusive degenerate parents. Do you want them in your life forever?!

Instead of potential how about a man who is ready for you now.

When you say his family is "LOW CLASS" it makes me realise you must have some superiority attitude around them they'll pick up on. You also describe your boyfriend as having potential - wtf? After 2 years he has potential?

They don't sound like nice people but you don't sound much better yourself OP. Age is irrelevant here but attitude speaks volumes

1. They're a nightmare. Being with them is a living hell. You hate it.
2. He won't cut ties with them and you have misgivings about him anyway.
3. You're in the prime of your life and you won't ever get these years back.
4. There are loads of men out there.

1+2+3+4 = Get out now and don't waste another moment of your precious life.

It'll probably hurt horribly for quite a while, but then you'll heal and move on and will be glad you did.

I can't stand it when people take things out of context. Is it classy to say the things they've said about me, yell about it while they know I can hear in the next room, for his mum to say "I don't give a s if she can hear me, for his dad to say "Bring her in here now and tell her to tell me to "fck off." They leave crap strewn around the front garden. His dad ashes on the brick floor IN THE HOUSE. Should I think these things are classy?

I don't think I'm better than anyone. I think I'm different than them though. I also think kindness is the one thing that really matters at the end of the day and I have never once been unkind to them and if they felt I have, I would listen to their perspective and apologize. THey know they've hurt me. They don't care. Classy or not, I just think they're mean spirited.

The potential comment has been taken out o context. His parents kept telling him that he is effectively 18 and I'm 31. They see him as 18. Why? Because they have used him as free labor all these years and he has noq ualifications because he has helped them on their property. I meant he has potential to become whatever he wants. I see good qualities in him.

Firstly, enjoy your youth, your 30s are some of the best years of your life (gawd wait til you get to your 50s then you can start feeling old). Only you and your boyfriend can make decisions about whether you're at similar stages in life and want the same things. This can vary whatever age you are or whatever the age gap between you.

Secondly, take no notice of people so deeply unpleasant and abusive as his parents. They and their opinions mean nothing and you know that. You are not what other people say you are. Their behaviour is a reflection of who they are - not who you are.

Thirdly, set some boundaries; don't go to their house again. If it's unavoidable leave immediately they start screaming, shouting, being rude/ abusive or make you feel distressed or upset.

CatsAndCandles, thanks for your advice. It would hurt horribly, I can't bear the thought of it.

Their behaviour is a reflection of who they are - not who you are

This is true and I'm going to write this down. Thank you for the kind words and advice. x

You handled it very well, if i was in your position i wouldn't have. In fact i have called my ex partners dad an old c**t to him over the phone when he grabbed the phone off my ex partner and started having a go at me twisting what i said. He was so shocked with what i said as i have always shown him respect, he never got involved with anything to do with me and my ex partner again.