think I've finally had enough

[clucketycluck]

I have another thread on here. Just feel I need to say that as my situation has been so complicated but I won't explain everything again. I think now things have moved on from my previous thread. I would link but have no idea how to.
Now I finally feel my situation has changed I feel like I need to sort everything out.
I have been married for nearly 6 years and with my H for close to 10.
I was from an abusive home and met my H and ended up being thrown out and me and my H both moved into a rented flat. We started saving to buy a place.
When I first moved in he said cancel all my credit cards and he'll set me up with a joint one. Our salaries weren't too far apart at the time but I said ok I'm happy to hand over my salary and do this.
First credit card bill comes in he mentions how much I've spent (nothing more than what I'd normally spend and no where close to our saving being affected)
Thereafter every statement there's a comment about what I've spent. It ended up turning into full blown pie chart pictures on how much I'd spent on chocolate or clothes. I just spent less every time.
I stopped spending anything unless I was with him. That way he could tell me yes or no. I would phone him before every purchase.
I couldn't see it was wrong at the time.
9 years on and a preschool dd i am finally getting fed up enough to do something. I feel so weak. I've lost all of my friends and don't feel like I can work after quitting my job earlier this year. I feel like I've hit rock bottom. The other day my H said to me you are using too much washing up liquid. Something inside of me just snapped. I didn't say anything but I can't live like this anymore. He earns a lot of money now plus 5 figured bonuses. My salary (which was also good) for years was put in saving accounts because I wasn't allowed to spend it but we didn't need it. I've been too scared to get online banking because he has changed my passwords to other things without telling me and bullies me into transferring money etc. I recently just downloaded an app so I have access. I have never seen seen what's in our banks or credit card statement. I just know that while I have nothing he has Starbucks accounts new clothes etc.
I've snapped but I need help I need support I have none in RL.
What do I do now? Do I tell him I want to leave or get a solicitor in first. He's such a bully I was planning to tell him myself as I'm worried if I get a solicitor involved straight away he'll hit back at me hard. I did see a solicitor and he said my H has it coming. I don't care anymore I just want out. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. Fear is stopping me from doing anything. I feel trapped in a nightmare but I cannot go more than a decade of being controlled by someone else. It's only because he has to go abroad for his job now I feel I have any room to breath and am finally starting to sort things out. Just looking for that push I suppose.

Use that space from him. Be kind to yourself and know this. Your life is not for him to run.

You don't grow in someone's shadow.

You can do this.

6 years on I still remember that overwhelming sense of freedom as I opened the door to my apartment with my dd.

I think about that every day.

You already made the first step with the solicitor. Can you tell someone in RL to support you? Would you feel better if someone was there with you when you told him?

You don't need a push you just need a plan. Once a plan is in place you just need an opportunity. Don't tell him anything yet, get your ducks in a row.

It sounds as if you may get that opportunity... please say you don't have kids?

I could have written this word for word.

My exh got me to pay my salary into the joint account. Made sure I didnt have access to online banking.

Any time I questioned it and said i wanted my own money he said that he was doing me a favour as dealing with money would stress me out.

It started getting to the point that he would send me an email at work every couple of days asking me to explain a list of transactions on the bank. Some things as little as £5!

Whenever I needed new clothes if I had worn things out I ended up finding cheap things from charity shops or ebay. All the while he would come home with bags full of clothing from shops like Crew Clothing. He would be buying expensive steaks for his dinner, drinking and smoking a lot.

I would ask him again for my own money, saying that I work full time and earn plenty but he said that if I had my own bank account and contributed 50/50 towards the household running that there would be nothing left for me so he was doing me a favour.

At the time I was earning £30k, he was on £50k+.

There were many other things on top of the financial abuse that tipped me over the edge, but in 2015 after 15 years together and 4 years married I went out with a new friend for drinks, and she asked me why I was with someone who treated me so badly.

She wasn't the first person who had asked me this, but it was the first time I took notice, as she had hardly known him, but seen him for who he was straight away. He had stopped hiding his awfulness.

The next day I told him I was leaving. He didnt say a thing. Just got blind drunk.
I locked myself in the spare room as I didnt feel safe around him. I wish looking back I had left there and then.
I didnt sleep a wink, and listened for him leaving for work in the morning.
I loaded up my car with whatever I could fit in it and drove straight to my parents and never once looked back.

I had a lot to sort out, such as getting work to pay my salary to my personal account, then finding out that the personal account that I hadnt used for over 10 years had thousands in its overdraft.

Spent ages on the phone to the bank asking how its happened, and it turned out that exh had been taking money out of my personal unused empty account over a period of time using my log on details.

I found out that he had taken out credit cards and loans in our joint names that I didnt know about, so that when the house was sold he made me pay 50/50 towards them.

I argued this for a long time, but he was adamant that I knew about them.

I could go on (i had bailed him out when we first moved in together in 2005 because of his gambling debts, looking back I was stupid for thinking that had stopped)

Either way, its now mid 2017 and I am overdue with my first baby, have bought a house with my new partner and despite there being less money each month, we are so much better off.
It still feels weird buying things for me, as ive had years of being made to feel that was wrong. But I am getting there.

I would try and sort out the money acces first if you can, or he may well hide it.
Are the accounts in a joint name? Can you go into a bank with id and ask them to print out statements?
I wouldn't tell him anything until you've done this and seen a solicitor.

Thanks for the replies. Just knowing it's not just me is helpful. Yes I had a 3 yo dd.
Initially my salary got paid into my own account and a few years later after him forcing me to ring the bank on loud speaker next to him to check I hadn't spent anything every month he asked me to put my salary in the joint account. After this he asked me to transfer all the savings into the joint account I said that was pointless it's safe in my bank account. So he stood over me while I transferred it into isa in my name basically so I couldn't just go and spend it easily if I wanted to. There is money in my name but he checks it all the time via standing over me.
I have tried before to get money out and hide it but he phoned me up saying have I taken cash out (small amounts) and why and he thought it was fraud I worried him so much. I have had my bank cards hidden from me and when I order new ones they're opened without my knowledge and hidden again. I normally end up in the bank with my driving license to have access to cash. I don't really get any out though. He says I need to put everything on the credit card. But then will continue to point out areas where I need to cut down on spending. He recently said I'm not to buy bubble bath for my dd anymore as it's being used up so quickly it's pointless.
He's just got back after a few days away and I feel like my master is back. I am so happy when he goes away! My solicitor has said I would have to stay in my house and I mustn't leave until we sorted out our finances. Just scared to put myself in the position. He's so used to bullying me I can only imagine it's going to get worse. That's all that's stopping me. I feel weak now. What if this gets worse.

You don't need to do anything he says.

You have been conditioned to though. You can start with the small things, start to push back. Look into the freedom programme.

He has no right to run and control your life. You really don't want your dd leaning this behaviour do you?

It's time to do this, you know that. You can do it. I did and loads of others on this forum have too. We are here to listen and to support you xx

It's the fear that he might step it up once I finally say I've had enough. I don't have anyone in RL and I don't have many opportunities to meet people. I really believe once I'm out of here that won't be a problem but right now I'm stuck in this. If I knew he would leave this house once I told him I would do it now. I don't think he will though. I think he'll make my life much worse.

You can do nothing crippled by the fear he will step it up. Live like this for another ten years.

Or you can do it now, know that it might get messy but know that it's not long term and at the end of it you will be able to live the life you want.

What would you rather?

Thanks jeaux yes I know it has to be done. It's better that I'm unemployed at the moment as well as I will have time to sort things out whilst he's at work. I am trying to say he's already stepped it up saying things like I'm using too much washing up liquid. I could not go another decade like this.

Can you report him to the police for financial abuse, emotional abuse, coercive control etc? He is a cunt of the highest order.

Women's Aid will help, a refuge is an option. However if you can get copies of financial information beforehand that would be useful.

Go to the bank and set up a new account, get the cards delivered there so you pick them up. Get child benefit transferred there. If you have a joint account order a new card and get it sent to the bank for you to collect
You may only get to take £500 before he stops you but it's a better than nothing.

He has you under control.

Now he is starting on your DD. You are not even allowed to buy her bubble bath.

If you can't do this for yourself. Do it for her. Before she grows up thinking this is how a relationship should be.

Can you report financial abuse to the police? I would definitely threaten that if he tried anything on if I can get this divorce started. I don't think I have much evidence other than me not spending anything though.
I don't get child benefit as he earns too much.
I went to women's aid. They said that we might end up in a worse situation if I went to a refuge and they couldn't guarantee which area I would end up in (they said could be far away and the facilities could be poor) and dd would lose school place for September etc. This is all helping me. I am going to try to contact the solicitor tomorrow. I was certain to set the ball rolling when I left the solicitors office last time but lost confidence by the time I'd got back home that was 8 months ago. Feel so pathetic I really do. I do need to do it for dd.

OP yes you can report financial abuse to the police. I reported my stbx for emotional abuse and they took it seriously - all emotional abuse comes under the domestic violence law now. I rang 101. It sounds utterly awful what you're going through.
Did women's aid not really help you then? When I rang the domestic abuse helpline they couldn't have been more supportive even though he hadn't been violent and it really made me feel validated.
What do you think he would actually do if you stood up to him and took back control of your own finances?

Also I'd get a copy of your credit file I think you can do that for free - it will show you any debts that are in your name and also your husbands name since you are financially associated with him - I wouldn't be surprised if there were debts he didn't want you to find out about....

Really sorry you are going through this
Please look up coercive control . Acts like now illegal and recognised as a criminal offence. This might make you feel a little more empowered . Are there any other aspects of control in the relationship ? Ie questioning your whereabouts, trust issues etc

The whereabouts used to happen. He used to do find my iPhone wherever I was. I managed to change that password now so he can't do it but he rings me all the time. Even when he's abroad he rings me but I feel I can ignore those calls.
I feel like he is capable of so much more than this but I try my hardest to sit between him and not losing it completely.
He does all of our washing and says he has to do it otherwise it won't be done on the right day. I literally sneak in washes for things I need before his wash when he's away. He cooks every day he's there and says I'm incapable. I will think about ringing the number mentioned thanks. I don't want to report him where possible as his job requires him to have not record etc. What is he capable of? He threw me across a room once. He's stopped me leaving the house many times by locking the door. He's shut my daughter in her room and stopped me getting to her. It's hell. But I have chugged along not hoping it will get better just fear of it getting worse. Women's aid were helpful but they were just warning me that I may end up far away from home in a worse area and in a house share and my H would have all the money so were saying consider that before I run away. I grew up in a home where my dad ripped the phone off the wall when my mum tried to call the police. I am so scared even though I'm not in that situation. I know I need to get myself together. I just need to get past this first hurdle of fear and I suppose that's what I've come on here for. I just need to put the money down with the solicitor and actually do it.

Why are you worrying about him getting a police record. HE ISN'T!!!!!!
He has been physically as well as mentally abusive. Stop worrying about him. His behaviour is cuntish in the extreme.

When I reported my stbx I was also v concerned about him getting a record as his job also depends upon him not having any convictions or anything. If you report it he won't get a record - what I did was report it to 101 and then I said I would attempt to deal with it without pressing charges. I told him this when he got home and said that if he didn't leave then I would be forced to press charges so he took that option and his record remains clean .... HOWEVER the bonus of this is that it is still kept on file. I had to call them again as a few weeks later he turned up at the house and refused to leave. I think he was calling my bluff. I rang 999 and they came, he left willingly once they advised him to so again nothing on his record BUT because I'd reported him the first time they had read up on this on the way to me and knew already what he was like. Then the second call out was recorded so basically he shot himself in the foot completely as if he tried to do anything now there would be 2 historical reports on him - without this affecting his job. I would absolutely advise you to start creating this sort of 'paper trail' - it will strengthen your position should you ever need it.
He sounds dangerous you need to get your dc away from him

^ I think secretlifeofbees has good advice. Getting the police involved doesn't have to end with him having a conviction and the paper trail and leverage it would give could be invaluable.

You're very much in a domestic abuse situation. I hope you feel you can start taking steps to get out.

Also, when I rang womensaid / DV helpline they told me that the conversation would be logged in their files too - including the advice that they gave me (report him to the police and get him out asap) and that the transcript could be used if even it was needed. This is how you can protect yourself... and I think you really need to start putting in place this protection for you and your dc. One more thing - go and talk to your GP - tell them how this situation is affecting your mental health which will also be stored on your file. the way in which DA is managed has changed drastically in recent years and this is why nobody should be too scared to take this support - it is there to protect women and their children from these bullies. USE IT.
When my stbx realised that it was not just my word against his or my 'interpretation' of it and that it was an official crime in the eyes of the law he changed completely. You need to be brave now for your daughter.

Wow thank you al so much for your advice. No one has said I can report without pressing charges. I am 100% going to ring them. I am also thinking of going to my go this has genuinely affected my mental health. I am suffering alone I became very underweight last year I just felt I could not continue anymore but I'm back healthy now and want to just get this done.
I have emailed my solicitor and asked to discuss divorcing again and asked them to advise me of their deposit again so I put it down before I leave this time! I am also going to go to the bank and just take small amounts of money out every now and then.
Thank you I am going to do this. I fear for my daughter but I will have to deal with that as it comes. I don't want him to take her away and he threatens that.

Yes you absolutely can because I did it - well done on being so strong. When I reported my stbx it was extremely nerve wracking and I was so scared. the women's aid counsellor said to me that I had 2 choices - one was basically that my life would get 10x worse and he would definitely turn my children against me and inflict even more serious psychological abuse on them OR I could be brave. I took the second one. Good luck

Oh and if you create this paper trail then it will certainly undermine any claim he has on taking your daughter away - not that it would happen anyway!!! But even if he threatened that and tried it - with a report to the police / GP / womensaid from you on his domestic abuse? Don't think that would help his case would it? Probably a good idea when he realises that he would end up much much worse off if he doesn't behave reasonably.

I've just gone onto my laptop and there's an ad for a vehicle tracker on there. I am worried now that he is also tracking the car