think I've finally had enough

[clucketycluck]

I have another thread on here. Just feel I need to say that as my situation has been so complicated but I won't explain everything again. I think now things have moved on from my previous thread. I would link but have no idea how to.
Now I finally feel my situation has changed I feel like I need to sort everything out.
I have been married for nearly 6 years and with my H for close to 10.
I was from an abusive home and met my H and ended up being thrown out and me and my H both moved into a rented flat. We started saving to buy a place.
When I first moved in he said cancel all my credit cards and he'll set me up with a joint one. Our salaries weren't too far apart at the time but I said ok I'm happy to hand over my salary and do this.
First credit card bill comes in he mentions how much I've spent (nothing more than what I'd normally spend and no where close to our saving being affected)
Thereafter every statement there's a comment about what I've spent. It ended up turning into full blown pie chart pictures on how much I'd spent on chocolate or clothes. I just spent less every time.
I stopped spending anything unless I was with him. That way he could tell me yes or no. I would phone him before every purchase.
I couldn't see it was wrong at the time.
9 years on and a preschool dd i am finally getting fed up enough to do something. I feel so weak. I've lost all of my friends and don't feel like I can work after quitting my job earlier this year. I feel like I've hit rock bottom. The other day my H said to me you are using too much washing up liquid. Something inside of me just snapped. I didn't say anything but I can't live like this anymore. He earns a lot of money now plus 5 figured bonuses. My salary (which was also good) for years was put in saving accounts because I wasn't allowed to spend it but we didn't need it. I've been too scared to get online banking because he has changed my passwords to other things without telling me and bullies me into transferring money etc. I recently just downloaded an app so I have access. I have never seen seen what's in our banks or credit card statement. I just know that while I have nothing he has Starbucks accounts new clothes etc.
I've snapped but I need help I need support I have none in RL.
What do I do now? Do I tell him I want to leave or get a solicitor in first. He's such a bully I was planning to tell him myself as I'm worried if I get a solicitor involved straight away he'll hit back at me hard. I did see a solicitor and he said my H has it coming. I don't care anymore I just want out. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. Fear is stopping me from doing anything. I feel trapped in a nightmare but I cannot go more than a decade of being controlled by someone else. It's only because he has to go abroad for his job now I feel I have any room to breath and am finally starting to sort things out. Just looking for that push I suppose.

Wonder if you can take it to a garage and they can find and remove it for you...

You need to check that he's not monitoring your internet acesss too

You can apply for child benefit- if he earns over 50k it's his responsibility to include in his tax return but I would apply now (and backdate as far as you can- I think 3 months) and get paid into an account he knows nothing about

Thanks I only use my phone which is pw protected and I change it regularly. I don't use the shared computer and iPad. I only went onto the computer to change my email passwords. I am going to change them as often as possible now. My solicitor has emailed me and said I can come in next week so I've asked for Monday or Tuesday. I am so nervous. But I am also trying to stay positive.
And bloody imagine life using as much washing up liquid as I want!
I will look up re how to find the vehicle tracker. He took my car and said I should put it towards his new sports car so now I have no car of my own. And I didn't want this car. Ahh what a fool I have been.

Don't waste time feeling bad about what you should have done differently in the past. Just focus on being very wise now.

Tell him nothing. Get all the advice you can and get everything in place.

Get copies of all documents , marriage and birth certificates, passports ( espically for your child ) , account names and numbers, pensions, life insurance, vehicle registration docs, mortgage , savings accounts . Take paper copies if you can. Photograph them and save to the cloud or email to a trusted friend. Don't save on your phone or home PC.

Thanks Coral, actually womensaid told me to get the documents and I haven't so that's a good point. Just wish he was away this weekend.

I would suggest women's aid but also the police. This is a crime now.best of luck in escaping from this awful man

I'm imagining you washing your first load of dishes in your new place using a whole bottle of washing up liquid and having bubbles everywhere

He can be done for coercive control, report him to the police and then he won't be able to come to the house.

Then you can go through everything and get your ducks in a row, you will have access to everything.

Your situation is why they changed the law, ring them

Hi OP. Had to read and run earlier but popped back to say you CAN do this. I was in similar situation a year ago, went to GP, referred to a WA centre and got assigned a support worker who held my hand through getting my head sorted and protecting my 2dc. It was scary and complicated (police, social workers etc involved) but we got there. Took stbxh to court and got a no-notice non-molestation order and a hearing for an occupation order. By which time he voluntarily left.

This was without any physical violence involved against me but aggression towards my older dc. It was all about the emotional and financial control and when he sensed he was losing it things did ramp up.

Others may have better advice but I think for now keep it secret whilst you sort out £ and bank accounts for yourself and documents. Use a solicitor with experience of this type of situation in case it goes to court - if he's been violent I think you have a good case to get him out of the house. If you're renting and not earning you may be eligible for legal aid.

Please be careful OP and at the slightest sign of aggression/violence call the police and get it logged as a 999 or 101 call. I was so careful but mine still sensed the change and started looking through my stuff and getting worse with kids and me.

keep strong.

I'm sorry I don't have much to add other than I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Also get yourself down to your local branch of the bank your accounts are held with. Tell them your situation and that your husband is financially abusing you and let them help you.

I work for a large financial institution and work on a team that has been set up to support customers in circumstances such as yours and more.

There will be help for you if you can face having a conversation with them. Good luck

Thank you I really appreciate the help and thank you to those who have been through this. I think I will go gp on Monday, I was planning to her mental health help privately but would make sense to record it now.
I have found all passports but still need to find birth certificate. I unfortunately also found whilst digging through his things today that he had a copy of my personal bank account card as well and he would know the pin from a long time ago. This would mean he can see anything I spend on there and I've only just realised. I've recently stopped letting him stand over me calling the bank for that account (although I'm still too scared to spend much) and now I see why he gave me an easy ride about it. Oh well!!

Cluckety - I know it might sound trivial about the washing up liquid thing but for me, one of my ex's things was that he wouldn't let me have a washing line (don't ask me why?) and he also wouldn't let me dry any clothes on the radiators and I don't have a dryer. He's been gone since Feb but the other week I took so much pleasure in getting myself a washing line. The pleasure I get from hanging out my washing now is.... nobody understands how excited I am by this small victory!! I keep talking to people about it while they look at me like
You can do this. This is your time to make a plan and gather all the strength you can muster. Mumsnet was utterly invaluable to me - talk to us on here - a lot of us have been through similar and come out the other side. I never thought I could do this - I remember sitting waiting for my ds at his swimming lesson feeling utterly trapped, I actually thoight there was no way I would ever be able to leave I was so bogged down with guilt and fear i thought this was just gonna be my life forever. But I was so wrong.
So do you think you can talk to the police?

Open a new bank account online and empty every joint account into it before you leave.

Ex used to do exactly as your h does to you. In the end he remortgaged the marital home emptied out the monkey in all joint accounts and bought a house with ow using money from the remortgage (I'd fully paid off the orthage on marital home but he wouldn't allow me to call bank to complete). During the divorce as we both had property he got to keep the much more expensive me property he bought under his name and I was left with marital home mortgages to the hilt.
And he even tried to get a mesher order on the marital home which thankfully failed.

I'd take every penny and set yourself and your dc up in a comfortable home. He can chase for money after the event but it's your money. And you need a secure home with your dc.

Also ensure you have closed any joint accounts thereafter as you do not need to be liable for him running up debts in joint names. A friend's ex did that and she ended up having to go bankrupt to get the banks off her back.

Don't tell him anything till after you've made your move and physically moved out.

So sorry this is happening to you OP and you sound so very brave finally getting things in motion to get away from him.
Not sure what anyone else thinks of this, but could you not just change the locks at the house and just refuse to let him back in? You can get some sort of court order to keep him out of the house if he is abusive - please ask your solicitor about this.
Aside from the financial stuff, you need to ask your solicitor if there is a way of getting him out and keepin him out (at least until you sort out selling your home). I just worry for you and feel you need to be away from him. If you are unable to leave the home, you need to find a way to get him out.

My solicitor previously told me it's his house as well as mine and he is entitled to stay here and I shouldn't leave to ensure I can sort the finances out first.
My h is a director of a large plc so thank goodness I don't think he'll run off with money. My solicitor has said we could prove if he does and I should get it back through the house equity if he tried. I found fairly recent bank statements for his accounts and taken pictures of them on my phone. I have also set myself up on a banking app and can now see the joint account.
The washing up liquid was my pivotal moment. Literally I wanted to turn around and shove it on his head. Instead I let him 'teach' me how to put a small bit on a sponge and use it properly. He was also standing right behind me whilst I was doing the washing up. Another favourite of his. Standing as close to me as possible wherever I am in the house. I can honestly say I hope my solicitor can help me. He told me when I saw him a while back, the abuse is difficult to prove and I would have to keep calling the police. Something I wasn't ok with but when he threw me across the room it was the first moment I thought, wow why didn't I do something. I did tell him to go for a walk after and he did. But I had marks on my arms where he'd picked me up I remember thinking since when were you so strong. Afterwards he told me it never happened and I must have fallen over.
Did I mention his £200pm gym membership and essential sky subscription... Ah I think I'm making myself angry on purpose. Any feeling but sitting here feeling like nothing can change!

If he it's you call the police and then ask your solicitor for a non molestation order and an occupation order on the house.

I finally decided I had enough when twatface went through the shopping list and held the receipt to my face screaming at me over a tobelrone bar (it was a fruit one they were doing as a limited edition and I wanted to try it).

I went and paid him back for it all £0.45 of it even tho the shopping had been done with my own money in the first lace which he used to force me to pay into the joint account (which only he had access to).
When I gave him the money he went off on one about how I was too proud and too big for my boots and how he would ensure I would be brought down a peg or two.

That tobelrone stayed in the fridge till I started divorce proceedings a week later then I binned it.

I can't bear tobelrone to this day and I've been rid of the arshole for nine years now.

As a happy ending I am now with a wonderful man with a baby together. I'm still shocked when he comes home with things I've mentioned in conversation that I fancy trying, that he stocks up on my favourite chocs, that he never asks what I'm spending money on that he spends money on us and never accuses me of wasting money. That he treats me as a partner & his equal.

I only wonder why I put up with ex for as long as I did

Thanks fuzzy I'm glad things worked out for you. I have a few things I just don't go to buy anymore. I was told on my maternity leave it was disgusting that I thought we could afford luxuries such as a cafe sandwich. It was £1.50 in a church cafe. I stopped going to things after that and it really affected me. I hurried back to work much earlier than I thought I would. I hope I manage to sort this now.

KOKO

You have put up with so much, it must have been so hard. My heart goes out to you

So my solicitor appointment is at 2 today and I'm so nervous. I have snooped around and got details of all finances that I am aware of only thing I couldn't find was my mortgage details. I managed to find my marriage certificate but not my dd birth certificate. I have a copy of her passport though.
Just so nervous. Hopefully I will get myself together in the appointment.

Good luck to you. He sounds horrendous. I wish you every happiness with your new life and freedom from control

Good luck OK, let us know how it goes. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

The first step to your new happy life op.

You'll be fine. First step towards freedom.

You are doing the right thing for you and the dc.

Keep posting. Lots of us have been through similar x