think I've finally had enough

[clucketycluck]

I have another thread on here. Just feel I need to say that as my situation has been so complicated but I won't explain everything again. I think now things have moved on from my previous thread. I would link but have no idea how to.
Now I finally feel my situation has changed I feel like I need to sort everything out.
I have been married for nearly 6 years and with my H for close to 10.
I was from an abusive home and met my H and ended up being thrown out and me and my H both moved into a rented flat. We started saving to buy a place.
When I first moved in he said cancel all my credit cards and he'll set me up with a joint one. Our salaries weren't too far apart at the time but I said ok I'm happy to hand over my salary and do this.
First credit card bill comes in he mentions how much I've spent (nothing more than what I'd normally spend and no where close to our saving being affected)
Thereafter every statement there's a comment about what I've spent. It ended up turning into full blown pie chart pictures on how much I'd spent on chocolate or clothes. I just spent less every time.
I stopped spending anything unless I was with him. That way he could tell me yes or no. I would phone him before every purchase.
I couldn't see it was wrong at the time.
9 years on and a preschool dd i am finally getting fed up enough to do something. I feel so weak. I've lost all of my friends and don't feel like I can work after quitting my job earlier this year. I feel like I've hit rock bottom. The other day my H said to me you are using too much washing up liquid. Something inside of me just snapped. I didn't say anything but I can't live like this anymore. He earns a lot of money now plus 5 figured bonuses. My salary (which was also good) for years was put in saving accounts because I wasn't allowed to spend it but we didn't need it. I've been too scared to get online banking because he has changed my passwords to other things without telling me and bullies me into transferring money etc. I recently just downloaded an app so I have access. I have never seen seen what's in our banks or credit card statement. I just know that while I have nothing he has Starbucks accounts new clothes etc.
I've snapped but I need help I need support I have none in RL.
What do I do now? Do I tell him I want to leave or get a solicitor in first. He's such a bully I was planning to tell him myself as I'm worried if I get a solicitor involved straight away he'll hit back at me hard. I did see a solicitor and he said my H has it coming. I don't care anymore I just want out. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. Fear is stopping me from doing anything. I feel trapped in a nightmare but I cannot go more than a decade of being controlled by someone else. It's only because he has to go abroad for his job now I feel I have any room to breath and am finally starting to sort things out. Just looking for that push I suppose.

Good luck Cluckety! let us know how it goes

So I'm back home now. Wow what an eye opener that appointment was.
I have been told that once I call the divorce I will basically need to live off of savings in my accounts until this is over and hope they can scrape them back through me getting more of the house equity as it's likely my stbxh will stop my access to any funds at all. I was hoping I would be able to get more support in between now and the divorce finalising. Apparently because some of the savings are in my name that means I'll be expected to exhaust them before being able to claim anything.
He can also shift his hours around if he wants to be able to have dd 50:50 effectively wiping out potential child maintenance. Was shocking really. Obviously the solicitor has to outline this to me but I am going to struggle without any maintenance even if I work ft.
Anyway despite all this panic I still decided I cannot go on living like this and if that means I live broke for a while so be it. I put the deposit down to start the ball rolling
I am so nervous. Feel like my life is over. I hope it's just beginning in reality!

It is the beginning op!

you can, and will, do it this time. I can tell you feel differently. Just do it, it will all sort itself out in the end and you know you will be so much happier. Well done on what you have done so far. You put the deposit now, use that as a burnt bridge... go forward only.

This is the beginning of your new life! I know I'm a stranger reading words on a screen, but I do feel quite emotional - excited for you!

You talk about being able to use as much washing up liquid as a you like, another poster mentioned being able to have a washing line. I take great pleasure in having the freedom to cut the grass! My ex husband wouldn't let me do that, and he didn't do it either - until it was knee high and I hated that. People don't understand how good it feels to be able to do the every day chores that you weren't allowed to do, or to do in the way you wanted.

You're being so strong.

Thanks. It makes me sad people get treated in this way and I am going to get burnt along the way, I could tell that from this meeting but more the reason to get out now and hopefully have a new life soon.
I just hope things don't get too much worse. I was also told I'll be better off working part time as well so it looks like I'll have to start job searching now but tbh I have just been worried about everything to even start that and I know a job will help me in the long term. I just hope I have the strength to take my stbxh on and not be walked over.

You have a long and difficult road ahead OP but stay focussed on the end result. Keep at the forefront of ur mind all the horrible controlling things he does to you and visualise your life without that shit in it!!! Your child also needs you to do this, remember that. I only say all this as I recently separated from exP and he was nowhere near as bad as yours but I have struggled to adjust. I just keep remembering how awful it was living with him.
Your doing things right by seeing a solicitor first. Keep us updated x