I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

Hi Poppysquad

It's OK, really, please don't panic. Big hugs to you from us all here - you are a strong woman and will get through this. It is always darkest just before the dawn.

keeponrunning is right. Please call Women's Aid as soon as you can. They are really kind and helpful. They've heard it all before a million times over. I have spoken to them on several occasions and was always very glad I did so.

Your conversation with them will also help you to understand what your DP is doing to you, because at the moment, I think you are still so reluctant to believe that he is in the wrong - and again, I have total sympathy for you because I've been there, ate the T-shirt, and worn the cake. I too, have justified the unjustifiable, for love. And until I got out, it was slowly, but surely, killing me.

Your DP has no intention of moving to a flat. He is purely and simply playing mind games with you, trying to see if he can get you to break and beg him to stay. Please don't do this.

Use your forthcoming time away with work to have a break from him and also please find someone in your company (line management / HR) in whom you can confide in confidence so that they know you are facing difficulties at home which may affect your performance. You need not go into detail if you don't want to, although most decent companies should have a policy on dealing with domestic abuse, but you do need to let them know that you are not yourself at the moment, as you do not want to do anything that may jeopardise your livelihood. Your DP would absolutely love that, if you lost your job, and became even more dependent on him than you already are.

And the future is OK, it really is. It's you, and your son, and your friends and wider family. It's one day at a time. It's not being told off for wiping the work tops 'wrongly', or for how you have brought up your son, or for daring to spend an afternoon with a friend. Your future is breathing pure clean air, feeling the sun on your face and knowing you are free.

You can do this - one step at a time

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I just find that I am up and down. I have calmed down a lot. I will call WA tomorrow. It's difficult to call from home.

I've been on my own before and obviously coped. I love the bit about being alone rather than wishing I was.

As recommended I will start to think about what I'm going to do while my son is away. I was going to be on holiday with my partner that week. It was all booked but I am not going on my own - a driving tour in Spain. He's says he's not going either, so we will just have to write that off.

Are you sure about the flat? I thought it was just because it's a nice place.

He is saying that he really doesnt know what he's going to do. He's no ties at all. He could live anywhere. He could move abroad. He says that he doesn't know if he wants another relationship, he's not sure that he can go through this. He doesn't want another broken relationship. We met through internet dating, so at some point he did decide that he was looking for a partner

Thanks Brianblessed. Your post, as ever, hit the mark. Just a bit tearful.

What he's going to do next is not your problem. As he says himself, he has options. You're not causing him to be destitute on the streets. He doesn't want another broken relationship? Then he can try treating his partners decently!

No worries Poppysquad

Anniegetyourgun is spot on here: He doesn't want another broken relationship? Then he can try treating his partners decently!

He's just trying to make you feel sorry for him. Well I say bollocks to that. Did he feel sorry for you when you were facing your biopsy? No. he was more bothered about a bit of flippin wood...

Get some rest. Tomorrow is another day. Call Women's Aid as soon as you can and keep posting. You can do this

Tell him to fucking quit talking to you about his fucking future!!! That's just cruel.

Tell him that since you are not going to be a part of said future that you really don't want to hear about it. That you have your own future to be thinking about!

Just sending you a hug. When you get back from your trip get some legal advice about the house and equity. Just shut him down when he tries to talk about stuff - not your problem any more.

The house is pretty much OK. We have a legal agreement in place that sets out the split of equity.

Do you really think that he is playing with me - saying that he is looking at flats? Is he really testing me or does he really mean it? He is very credible. We talked briefly yesterday about clearing up the front garden and buying a new front door before calling in the estate agents. Although neither of us has done anything about it yet.

It doesn't sound like he is messing about. There is no indication that he wants to get back together at all. In fact I would say the opposite. I did ask him at one point if he would consider going to counselling with me but he said no.

I have let my HR colleague know that my domestic situation is more complicated. I am concerned because there are big changes going on in the business.

Blessedbrianblessed you are so right about my denial, I am still so lost. Is it just that my partner is someone who values his 'things' and hates the fact that my son has used and abused them, as he sees it. Is it that he is set in his ways and my standards of hygiene don't equal his. Can he just not adjust to life at home with a 19 year old? And is it that he get uptight when things that he has put a lot of effort into are damaged? Like the incident with the sleeper. AND - it's not about controlling me?

I am such a pain. Back to going in circles. My head is fried

Is it more sinister - is he actually manipulating the situation or is this all normal?

No he's not toying with you. He's just so egotistical that he doesn't care that his talking about his future and his plans might possibly be painful for you.

Sounds to me as if he's moved on. You and DS are no longer convenient for him. He's already thinking about the next phase in his life. Why else would he say he doesn't want another 'broken relationship' in his life?

Just spoken with our local WA. A lovely woman. She's confirmed, although you all know this already - that the situation is abusive. She listened to me telling her about what's happening. She has obviously heard all this loads of times before. She confirmed that what was happening is not normal behaviour.

She told me that this often starts just as you move in with someone or have a child with them as they know that you are now more beholden to them.

She has suggested that I go into the Drop In centre and chat to them. It might not be too easy to find the time off work but I may try and Friday.

So glad you have called WA.

Why else would he say he doesn't want another 'broken relationship' in his life?
To guilt-trip Poppy into staying with him.

Why else would he say he doesn't want another 'broken relationship' in his life?
notice the terminology
you could say end the relationship, close it down, move on, go your separate ways etc.
Instead he's bringing in a theme of damage, sabotage, and placing the welfare of a relationship, an abstract construct over the wellbeing of the people in it

Considering that you know this man is never going to welcome your son, you are going to have to split up with him sooner or later. And bearing in mind that he is also isolating you by making you race home from work to cook his supper and making it awkward for you to see his friends, the longer you put the split off, the harder it is going to be.

Being alone is a shock to the system when you are used to having other people around, but it perfectly delightful once you get used to it.

Really well done for calling Women's Aid Poppysquad

As I have said previously, WA have heard it all a million times before, and from women of all ages, backgrounds, classes and creeds. Emotional abuse / domestic abuse can, and does, happen to anyone. There is absolutely no shame to tell others that it is happening to you.

It is so hard to hear that the person you love is abusing you, but for your own physical and mental health, and your safety, and not forgetting your son's wellbeing too, this is something that you have to admit to yourself, and face.

This will not go away. It will not change for the better because your DP does not care enough about you and what you want and need to make it better.

Your DP is not doing anything to address your evident unhappiness, but instead is only making you feel worse. You have asked him if he would go to counselling with you and he has said no. This is a clear refusal to admit that his behaviour is a part of the problem, so, sadly, it's hard to draw any conclusion from this other than he does not value you or your relationship with him enough to take constructive, healthy action to save it.

Someone who loves you would be sitting down with you right now, having a cup of tea with you and saying words to the effect of 'Look, I know you're not feeling great right now. I'm sorry if I've done something to upset you. Please tell me what it is and we'll talk about it and try to sort it out. I love you and I don't want to lose you. What can I do to help you feel better?'

Is your DP saying those things to you? Or is he shutting off into a cold and indifferent state, while you flounder?

As you know I am myself not long out of an emotionally abusive relationship. It's really weird but I find myself thinking over the good times with my Ex-DP and getting, at times, really upset over what I have lost. I've been told that that's perfectly normal and natural. And I really have to work hard to remind myself that it our relationship was not all like that. But that's the truth. It was not all like that, it was not all good times - and sadly there were very many bad times, which, ultimately outweighed the good times. So then, after I have reminded myself of all those bad times, all the things he said and did to me, or didn't say and didn't do for me, of all the huge (and now looking back on them, really quite insane) compromises and concessions I made to meet his demands, then, I realise that yes, while I am sometimes sad about losing him, actually I am far, far happier and healthier out of that relationship. I am myself again.

And you can be too.

Bless you - it is so hard, but you really owe this to yourself and your son. We are with you. You can do this

Well done Poppy. It's ok to grieve for what you thought the future should be...

Thanks once again Blessed.
WA said it was from all ages,and backgrounds. I do feel ashamed. I shan't be able to see some one there until Monday daytime I have an appointment with the counsellor in the evening on Monday too. So it could be overload.

My partner appears to be caring. He asks how I am. But you're right he doesn't want to go to counselling. He doesn't see this as being his issue at all. He said tonight that he doesn't want to be in a home where he has to lock his things away so that they are not used and abused and then lied about - a huge dig at my son. I am not biting.

I called a friend and spoke with her and apparently I said- my son is not a bad kid. She asked why I felt I had to justify my sons behaviour ? She's known him all his life. She knows he's lovely (some of the time). My partners behaviour towards my son has left me thinking I need to protect him, tell people that he's ok.

It's ironic but just as my son is planning to leave home my partner has decided that he has had enough.

Thanks for sharing how you feel now. It sounds very similar to me, the good times have been really good, although my partner always maintained that he wa never happy unless we were on holiday. its not the way I remember things. When I've been getting upset more recently I have been reminding myself about the awful things he has said about my son and if I was with him I could eventually loose contact with my son.

I am so glad that you feel so positive now that you've made the move away from your relationship. I need to make sure that I end up in the same place too.

Thanks Poppysquad

I am positive and definitely in a better place. But it's nevertheless really hard at times, practically, emotionally and financially, and I at times I do grieve for the future I hoped I had - and the good side of a man I loved very much and lived with for years.

I'd love to wake up tomorrow morning and learn that my Ex-DP's discovered empathy, that he's able to acknowledge my feelings and my needs especially when they are different from his, that he can actually acknowledge my children's needs and feelings without having to criticise their every move, and that he can compromise without feeling like his entire being is being disrespected. But unless nothing short of a miracle takes
place then that simply isn't going to happen. And no amount of wishing by me will make it so.

And in the meantime, if I'd stayed with him my kids would have continued to suffer, my aging parents would continue to suffer, I'd lose even more friends than I have already done so, I'd continue to suffer and, fundamentally, I think he would absolutely despise me for being weak.

So please keep up with Women's Aid. It's not overload.

Stay calm. Protect yourself emotionally - quietly distance yourself from him. And put your needs and your son's needs first.

ive been thinking about my STBX partners previous partners and I remember now him talking about his last partner,. He told me that she wanted everything her way. There was no compromise. I wonder now if that was actually what she said about him and this was as this is how he has behaved with me.

Woken up early. Feeling pretty low. Frightened.

You'll be ok Poppysquad

Have another conversation with WA as soon as you can. If you can't see them in person until Monday then find a quiet time today and call them. Talking to a trained counsellor there will really help you.

Poppy, the hardest part for me was accepting I was not in a "normal" relationship..my instinct was to self reflect, analyse and try to fix it.I thought we wanted the same things, mutuality in the relationship and teamwork.Friends and family advice didn't relate to my relationship since the mutuality or compromise just didn't exist for ex.

If you read about abusive relationships then you start to realise his thoughts about the relationship are not the same as yours.
It's incredibly sad as the ability to have a good relationship just seems outside their grasp.

Unfortunately Blessed the local WA centre is not open on Wednesdays. So, it's deep breath....

I spoke with a friend on the way into work. It might sound silly but I am frightened about being on my own again, especially with my son leaving in September. And I keep on reflecting on the good times that my partner and I had together and I can't quite believe that these are over.

I really don't think that he is playing games with me. For him this relationship is over, it is at an end. He cannot, he says, continue to live like this. He cannot tolerate the situation.

Hermonie can you recommend anything I can read? I have Googled
things but have not really found anything concrete.

It has probably been recommended already but Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft is a must read.

Out of the Fog is a helpful website too.

Be glad of the good times you had, Poppy, but do not be afraid of the future. This relationship reached its end and ends are sad, but onward and upward.

Maybe this is a good time for you to take up a new activity or interest.

Poppy I had a similar experience to what you describe with my ex, although there was the added 'interest' of an alcohol dependence! You will be amazed when you step away how much lighter you feel, that 'sinking feeling' of 'what next' and also being in charge of your own destiny!

Yes there's one or two things I miss about having a man around, such as picking up heavy things (I now have a little sack cart) and reaching up to high stuff (I'm getting better on ladders), but apart from that.... yup, that's it! You will be so much more YOU!! xx