I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

My partner told me that I am unreliable, I don't do what I say I'll do and our values are different i.e. I don't value 'things' as much as he does. Feeling very low

Thanks Attila. I am not sure what you mean ny Sunken Costs Fallacy but will try and check it out.

I've found a local counsellor to contact lots of Relate experience.

Your son should not allow people to stay in your room (your partners) room. I am not sure I would want to be disciplining a 19 year old but I would buy a lock and key for my room and tell my son that I feel bad I cannot trust him in this.

Thus is one issue and I know how it feels to be told you are not strict enough as a parent, a real pain in the arse!

If this is the only 'naughty' thing your son has done then it is not a massive issue. It does show he either cannot stand up to friends when they ask for the bed or he cannot put you/your husband's requirements above his friend's requirements. If you do move out and live with your son, or he visits, he does need to know that this behaviour stops.

But your son allowing a friend to sleep in the bed on a few occasions did not lead to your partners pretending he may let you wake up from a biopsy alone. It has not contributed to no sex or no real intimacy. Your husband kissing your forehead seems to me like he is treating you like a younger relative rather than a life partner!

Your son's behaviour has not led to him demanding you come home to cook his tea or give him warning if you want to go out.

Your son is an adult. if his behaviir is or becomes hard to control he can live elsewhere. You need to decide if this life, with a man constantly threatening to leave you, is what you want - or not.

Xxxx good luck.

So sorry to hear you are going through this.

Regarding your apathy towards the house / decorating etc that he has criticised you for (you said you organised everything yourself in previous home before you lived with this man) perhaps it is because you know deep down this isn't right? Maybe you don't put the effort in because he makes you so unhappy - why would you invest time in a house that is so devoid of joy?

You are 56, hard working and financially independent. You can start again with your boy. Get free of this man, buy or rent your own home. You may be feeling crap now but it WILL get better, and you need to put your son first. It sounds a horrible, stifling environment for you both.

And have some fun, OP. See your friends, maybe book a little break away just you and your boy once his A levels are done. Make sure you have things in the diary to look forward to and start planning the future you deserve.

You are very brave.💐

What Twatty said.

As regards your partner, he is obviously the sort of person who values "things" more than people.

Says all you need to know, really.

The bed thing - do you and your DP sleep separately, or is The Bed a spare or what?

The bed is ostensibly a spare bed,, is anyone stays they sleep there. However, I am ashamed to admit, I snore. If my partner woke up during the night and night I am snoring he can't get back to sleep. Then he will go into the spare room. So he uses it but it's not 'his' room as such. Does that make sense?

I have spent the day wavering between being ok and not being ok.

This morning I was sure that my partner was reasonable, and I have just used this idea that he is controlling as it is a means to deflect from my own inadequacies. Then I spoke with a girlfriend who talked me through emotinallly abusive behaviour. And I felt better.

He went out today, most of the day, to look at flats in a nearby town. When I questioned him about this he has just told me that he has been looking at the outside - i.e. just the laocations. To me this is not seriously looking.

I need to grow some and ask him when he is gong to go. Or, once my sons exam is over, we go. I am so nervous and to be honest scared.

So your son isn't allowed to have people stay over in the spare room/ bed? Why not? Isn't that what it's there for?

Seriously OP, this man sounds very difficult to live with.

Your son isn't allowed to have friends to stay in the spare bed? Not your dp's bed at all?

In the nicest possible way, op, this isn't right. Don't let yourself be pushed around by this selfish, emotionally constipated man.

Now I am gettting paranoid. Does he want me to move out. Get the house valued but not sell it? We still have some decorating to do. Not much. I've mentioned it today I have said that I can do it, thinking we ideally need to get this sorted before we sell the house, so that it is in best condition, but he has said that he's not doing anything.

My punishment?

We could just leave it but I don't want it to detract and stop the house from selling. The house desperately needs a front door too. It really lets it down. Maybe I could just try and tidy up what we have?

I am so paranoid. I can't afford to just walk away from this. I have a lot of my equity in this property.

I think this is when you need legal advice, OP.

If he's looking at flats, encourage him. Let him leave. Yes, you may end up having to sell the house but at least you and DS will be in familiar surroundings until it's sold.

As far as DS and his exams, honestly, don't you think he feels the tension in the house? I'm sure at the very least that he feels uncomfortable and tense around 'that man'. It would be better for his revision and exams if 'that man' wasn't in the house. I'm sure DS isn't going to miss him in the least!

You just concentrate on remaining calm and not playing into his mind games. Think about your perfect life. A home that is calm and quiet. A home in which you don't have to walk on eggshells. A home where, if you or your DS touches or uses something, all hell doesn't break loose. A home in which you are NOT made to feel inferior or inadequate just because you may have different (not 'wrong') housekeeping standards than another person.

Hello again Poppysquad

You are doing amazingly well and please don't be surprised that you feel so confused. Your DP senses that you are changing towards him and that you are seriously thinking about ending this relationship, so he is going into emotionally abusive overdrive. This is what men like him do. He is trying to undermine you even further so that you stay.

Over the course of your relationship your DP has planted so many negative thoughts about you and your ability to cope as a partner, woman, and mother, in your head, and repeated them so many times, that you have come to believe them. But they are not true. They are just what he says to you - no one else. Not your son. Not your friends. Not your colleagues and no-one here.

I've had this done to me and it is beyond horrible. Only on Friday my recently Ex-DP almost reduced me to a blubbering wreck after a chance meeting in a local car park. We spoke and, with a smile on his face, he subjected me to a five minute barrage of criticism about what a 'useless mother I am', how my 'doormat attitude has turned my children into money-grabbing monsters', what 'a slave I am to other people' and how people only bother with me because I 'do things for them' and not because they might like me or love me. Now I know this is all big fat hairy bollocks, but, as you can imagine for an hour or two after that 'conversation', I did feel like shit on a stick. And but for chat on the phone to wonderful my BF I would have been a blubbering wreck for sure. But she reminded me that Ex-DP knows exactly how to press all my buttons, because he would take something real, but minor, and then blow it up into crazy proportions, so as to make me question my own judgement. And that he was doing this to undermine me so that I would go galloping back to him as 'the only person who was really any good for me . Needless to say, I have not done that. And thank God for my BF.

You see, men like my Ex-DP and your DP, they will target a weak spot and work on it and work on it and work on it until you just don't know what is right, and what is wrong, any more.

Your lovely son sounds like a totally normal 19 year old, and all teenagers can be anything and everything from utterly wonderful, to nightmarish, all in the same day. It's how they are. But your DP is a selfish, cold an unempathetic man, blaming you for your son's 'inadequacies' which a) are not inadequacies at all, just normal behaviour and b) even if there were problems beyond the normal there, your DP, if he was a half decent bloke, should be supporting you to deal with any such issues, not blaming you for them in the first place.

More reflection: I think one issue that has impacted on things is my lack of ability to deal with my son when there have been issues. I did ask my son not to let anyone sleep in my partners bed. But he allowed it. I did not jump up and down and shout at him or tell him that here would be consequences and follow through. My partner thinks I should. He thinks the fact that there hasn't been this discipline in my sons life has led him to be the person he is now.

Your DP kicking off about your son letting someone sleep in the spare bed is totally out of order. It's supposed to be your son's home, for goodness sake. Not a shrine to this man's ego. You do deal with your son's behaviour - just not in the over-the-top, dictatorial way that he thinks you should.

We are all with you - you can do this. Please end this relationship now. Your DP cares more about the railway sleepers on your drive than you. And please do not worry about decorating your house.

Is it in joint names? Do you have any idea how much you could get for it? And how much did you both put into it?

Go see an estate agent. They'll give you advice on what is worth doing and what is not. Then decide if the extra value on the house is worth paying for the upgrades all by yourself.

Poppy, my ex did the exact same with decorating! The similarities are chillingly familar.
There is a pattern here, you raise issues and he diverts the conversation to a completely unrelated behavior of yours.Don't get sucked in however as he will never take responsibility you won't ever be able to fix this.

Brian blessed,.I hadn't really thought why my ex had ramped up his abusive behaviour when he knew I would leave.To me it was counter intutive, rather than deal with our issues or change his behaviour he just got more aggressive.

Poppy I have not RTFT though I have read all your posts.
I had to respond because I identify with so much of what you have written.
Several years into a previous relationship I read about Cluster B personality disorders by chance. All the odd and nice/nasty behaviour suddenly made sense when I read the characteristics of a narcissistic sociopath. He started a lot of arguments over nothing for his entertainment at my upset and to put emotional distance between us so he could pursue other women. This is what came to mind when you say your P was absent on the morning of his birthday, flounced off to stay in a hotel, wants advance notice of your plans on your days off and won't even guarantee he will be around to support you when you are in hospital . It might also account for where his libido has gone.This type of personality gives clues to what they are really thinking and doing (any other 'odd' behaviour?) but they know the truth will seem too improbable to you as a decent, kind human being who wants to see the best in others.
When XP accused me of being something akin to lazy, selfish and deceitful I came to realise he was projecting his own traits.
XP didn't have friends or hobbies either.
I would be very suspicious of exactly what your P is getting up to while you are at work. I would also be very suspicious about how he has arranged your financial affairs and your will. Sociopaths are not driven by love and empathy. They are motivated by sex and money.
His behaviour towards that bed in the spare room is most odd and tells me he is hiding something about it's significance to him from you.
Please phone Women's Aid for advice on how to end this relationship safely 0808 2000 247, staffed 24hrs, 7pm-7am are quietest. I don't think you should underestimate the potentially dangerous situation you are in. As Attila said, you have been targeted by a master manipulator. Helen Bailey, the author, was targeted similarly too, by a man keen to reorganise her financial matters.
Do not let your P know you suspect any of this. Use private browsing, delete your internet history, keep your screens locked.

Hi, Keepinrunning. I've just read your post and I am truly worried. I am using my iPad and have changed the login details so there's no trace of my history. I know that he checks our computer because he has mentioned that my son has used it in the past. I will check out the personality type and decide if I need to contact Women's Aid. Thanks.

I think it's important to know worst case scenario since it's impossible to tell how far along the spectrum of unstable someone is without him seeing a psychologist and that ain't going to happen.
Don't hesitate to phone the police if you are at all intimidated.

Hi Poppysquad

Courage. You can do this.

I am totally wiped out today. Churning things over and over. I can't concentrate too well at work. My partner tells me that he is viewing a flat - as in properly viewing it today, not just looking at locations. It's a town that he and I have talked about living in when we retire.

Despite all the crap that has gone on, I can't quite believe that this is my life.

I am away at a meeting with work for a couple of days next week - travelling abroad. I am panicking about it a bit. My son will be working and it's horrible being away when you know that there's no one at home to even notice that you're not there.

Then, my son has a week away planned at the beginning of July. So I really will be on my own in the house. Why am I so disturbed? I am quite shaky and pretty upset.

I need to focus on the fact that I can't live with this man. I can't live with someone who wants me to be some one that I am not. I can't live with someone who has such low regard for my son.

I am frightened about the future. It all seems so big and unknown.

It's good that you are self aware enough to recognise those occasions may be difficult. How about planning a couple of treats for those times? Perhaps invite some friends over for wine and a foot spa? Or plan a box set your son wouldn't appreciate.

You can do this, he isn't who you thought he is either.

Poppy, calm down, please. if you think too much you will not be able to see what is happening, you almost need to see it from the eyes of the third person.

This man is emotionally playing with your mind, he know exactly what he is doing, viewing flats in the town where you both talked about retiring - he has already retired, you are still working. It's a game, he is setting a trap. You need to play him at his own games. To fool a fool, you must pretend to be a fool.

Staying in the house on your own should not be a problem, right now, you have to play a role - you put on your big girl's panties and you play it or he will win. It's not the time to show that you are scared, you can do it! If you need help, we will chat with you all time that you are by yourself in the house alone.

To the Master Manipulator/Dominator, it's all a game. I am playing the same right now in my house. His attempt to manipulate me failed this morning, I refused to play his games - you can do the same. Just because you are invited for a drama show does not mean that you must attend - you can uninvite yourself, it's okay.

I will PM tomorrow. Be strong, stay strong - things happens for a reason. You posted for a reason

I think you will feel much better if you phone Women's Aid. They are truly fantastic and support women in your situation all the time.
Please phone them.

I second calling WA.

I know how hard it is, but you need to stop 'catastrophising'. What will happen, will happen as far as him moving out. You can't stop him and him 'feeling the need' to tell you each step ("I looked at a flat today") is cruel and manipulative. He's said he's looking, he needs to shut the fuck up now and get on with it. He can tell you when he's moving once he's found a place.

At this point, I think you need to view any time away as a good thing. Your DS will be fine. It's YOU who need space and quiet. You need to be on your own. You need to learn that being alone is not a bad thing. That alone does NOT equal lonely. Once you 'get that', you'll be surprised how soon it's followed by 'I'd rather be alone than wishing I were'.