I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

Hi Poppysquad

I found Pat Craven's Living with the Dominator really helpful.

Hermonie2016 is so right here: Poppy, the hardest part for me was accepting I was not in a "normal" relationship..my instinct was to self reflect, analyse and try to fix it.I thought we wanted the same things, mutuality in the relationship and teamwork.Friends and family advice didn't relate to my relationship since the mutuality or compromise just didn't exist for ex.

If you read about abusive relationships then you start to realise his thoughts about the relationship are not the same as yours.
It's incredibly sad as the ability to have a good relationship just seems outside their grasp.

That's been the hardest part for me too. As I have said previously, I long for my Ex-DP to wake up a fully functioning, empathetic human being - but it took 3 years plus and huge amounts of effort and pain on my part to realise that he just cannot do this. He simply does not see how a relationship should be in the same way that I do.

But you are not on your own. You have friends. Now is the time to call upon them and really benefit from their kindness and support.

Thanks for the recommendations. I will try and read some more, if only to try and understand.

My partner says that he will be moving out. He says that it's easier that he does as it would mean my son and I moving and it's possibly easier for one - back to him being reasonable. He says that it's not easy to just get a decent rented property. They go very quickly - especially in the areas he wants to live in. He says he's going to see a couple more tomorrow and he plans to stay away tomorrow night.

My friend is quite cynical - she says how can he leave his stuff in the house knowing that it could be "used and abused"? She thinks that my son and I will have to move out.

I am finding things a bit stressful around the home. I feel like I am almost going to pass out at times, especially if I have to explain what's happening to anyone.

Hi Poppysquad

The more you can read about EA (emotional abuse) the more you will help yourself to understand your current situation.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwd.php

One day at a time. Bad things happen to good people, so please don't get stressed about talking about things. Let your partner move out but I do wonder if he will actually do so. It sounds more like he is testing your limits, again. Please try to give yourself and your son some breathing space. And don't forget just how brave you are being - this is hard and you are doing great.

It all sound so credible when he tells me what happening. He says that properties are advertised about six weeks before they are ready and the decent places go immediately. This means he needs to really keep on top of it - and if he finds something it might take 6 weeks before he moves in.

I am not sure I can stand the strain of being in the house with him. My son, who has now finished his exams, just stays out of the house. He is avoiding being at home.

I am going to see if the bank can lend me the money short term so that I can buy him out. I really don't know it it's an option and it would be expensive but it might offer another solution.

I think he will leave. He has walked away from relationships before.

Thinking of you. The future is a scary thing to face on your own, but life isn't very good at the moment either. You deserve more than this.

My ex didn't want to entertain counselling either but I went on my own and it was immensely helpful for an impartial person to speak to.

Yes, get the house valued and speak to the bank. But also speak to a solicitor. Take any documentation regarding the original purchase of the house. You don't want to pay any more than you have to.

But don't say anything to him about a buyout until you have done the above.

Work out all your options. Get the house valued. Check out properties. See a solicitor/CAB. Work out what you want and work toward that.

I'm surprised he's letting the house go if he has done a lot of work on it. Normally people get invested in it. He's concerned enough about the sleepers to get at you over it, but is going to just walk away? Surprising.

pickleme it's the fact that he has been so precious about things and can now walk away that surprises me too. I don't get it.

No point second guessing him, I suppose. Set things up in a way that suits you, have more than one option, don't let him back you into a corner where he can feel that he has control. The more flexible you can be, the easier you will find it and the less power he will have, should he be inclined to try something on.

Hopefully we are overly suspicious and he's planning on quietly getting on with his own business. Hopefully!

He is waiting for the "perfect" property (which may only exist in his imagination). I would have my suspicions that it is a manipulation too. Shouldn't he be looking at what is available now for short term lease so he can then hunt for the perfect shag pad flat at his leisure? He wants to make you jealous with his next place. Suggest he put his things in a storage facility now. I

If the house will be a financial burden on the future with up keep and taxes, it may be better to go ahead and make the executive decision to move and sell. I would be weary that he would want to be over there to finish the diy which could drag on indefinitely.

Your poor son. I hope he has fun activities and sports to keep him occupied.

Good luck. I know that the "discovery" part of these relationship dynamics is sometime a shocking blow...But once you know the lay of the land so to speak everything starts to make sense and you will have more focused energies to operate with backbone and be proactive for yourself and your ds.

Set things up in a way that suits you, have more than one option, don't let him back you into a corner where he can feel that he has control.

Well said picklemepopcorn

Stay as calm as you can Poppysquad and focus on the practicalities that affect you - what are your options re: buying him out etc. His 'perfect' flat dilemmas are his business - not your problem at all. And feel no guilt please - this situation is of his own making.

And try to make a bit of time for you and your son each day - even if it's just a coffee or a McD's and a chat. It'll help the both of you - you can share with your son as much as you feel you want to share, and he will see that you are OK and keeping it together at a difficult time in your lives. Plus, it's hugely exciting time in his life - the end of A levels, a summer of freedom to be had, maybe casual work to be sought, results to come and degree options to consider. Make time for the two of you to enjoy / fret about all that that has to offer too. There is so much to your life beyond DP and his stupid selfishness.

Big hugs. You're doing amazingly

Thanks for all the support.

I am thinking of going to the doctors about feeling faint. I have started taking St Johns Wort, it has helped me in the past. There's no way I am letting my partner know.

My son is working a lot of the time at the moment. I rarely see him. He is desperately trying to earn some money for his holiday and to take away with him in September. So I am having to make appointments to see him. Although he's really grumpy and says he effing hates my partner I know that he is concerned about me and he was around when I got home very late from work tonight.

My partner is not at home tonight. He is staying in one of the pretty towns that he is looking to live in, so that he gets a better feel for what it's like.

We talked last night about the things we need to organise around the house before we can sell it. There's not too much. But we do need a new front door.

I am a bit worried about being in the house and managing everything. The garden will require quite a bit of work and it's going to be quite costly running this place on my own. I hope that if this what ends up happening I am able to selll the house quite quickly.

My partner has mailed me twice today. One very practical thing about sorting out something in the house, the second mail was to say that he had just heard a radio programme featuring a couple of people I know and I might like to listen to it on iPlayer. It was like he was saying, he thought of me. I remember once, very early in the relationship, when he had called it all off (again) some time after he sent a text saying he'd just seen a television programme I might be interested in and that was his first move in terms of making his way back in to my life. It might just be a coincidence. I am wary.

So - a few phone calls tomorrow. I will try and get an appointmention at the bank, see if I can maybe chat to a solicitor and a friend has offered to take a look at some rental properties with me, just in case I need to leave after all.

I've skimmed the thread and read all your posts and can see you're getting some great advice. One thing - why not put the house on the market now? Would you really want to live there after all this? Looking at his paintwork and his choices? And reversing into a stupid sleeper that must be in a stupid place for you to have driven into it more than once?

And keep talking to WA - they're the experts.

And good luck. You can do this.

I think he might be a bit shocked when he realises that you are following through. He thinks this is his game, that he makes the rules.

I hope the GP can help. You'll soon get used to the new arrangements. I'm sure DS can help with the house/garden, especially when he isn't feeling judged by your ex.

I spoke with the bank yesterday and I could possibly just about to afford to buy him out of the house. It would be a hell of a push, but possible. I don't want to stay in the house longer term. It's too big and will cost too much to keep up. But at least this could be one option if it becomes too intolerable.

I spoke with a solicitor. She has told me that she can do an initial consultation and it's up to me to decide if I want advice so that I know what could happen if things escalate, or alternatively wait until there is a real issue and then contact her. I have spoken with a friend who reckons I should just invest and get the advice now, even though there are no apparent issues at the moment.

I have not had the 'passing out' feelings recently although I do feel incredibly stressed. I do think that I should probably get to see the GP. I have put this off a bit.

Yesterday my partner told me that I was over emotional and sensitive. Thanks to reading up on things, I Felt more empowered and told him unemotionally that there's no such thing as over emotional, it's just that some people are more emotional than others and I know plenty of people who are more emotional then me.

He thinks I over reacted about the biopsy as the hospital said that they would do this as a precautionary measure. I don't think that I overreacted, I was just scared of the procedure and the potential outcome. I did not go on and on about it as I knew he would not understand. I told him that they wouldn't put me under general anaesthetic under they believed that there was a risk.

The weekend is a bit of a void. My son Is working most of the time. I will go out and see a friend today but need to decide what to do tomorrow. My partner has left the house so I am indulging in a few hours sat in bed.

Over emotional! Ooh, that sets my teeth on edge. Sounds like the only one allowed feelings is him. And that anger is the only valid emotion.

It's worth some blood tests at the GP. I and several of my friends have found ourselves deficient in iron and vitamin d, low thyroxin etc, despite a good diet.

Enjoy today's sunshine. Don't think about anyone else, just relax with a good book and an icecream, if that's what floats your boat! Go for a walk by a river.

Someone calling someone 'overly emotional' is simply another way of trying to control you. It makes you question your reaction to things they do that are upsetting or unfair.

Sounds like the sort of thing he would say. You've very right to how you feel - it's his problem that he can't see that he has any faults / made any mistakes.

I do know how you feel though Poppysquad. I am just a few months out of my relationship with my Ex-DP and I do still get those weird empty feelings from time to time. Principally because for several years he pretty much called all the shots and dominated our time together - even down to what we watched on TV!

But, like you, I still have some decent friendships so I am making sure that I make time for those lovely folks again. I see my kids as often as poss. And I am also thinking about what new things I want to do, or things that I've always wanted to do but couldn't because he was so demanding.

Today I've just spent the morning rearranging my dining room to suit me - and I love it!

It's all about valuing yourself which is not always easy to do when you've had someone close to you devaluing you for a long time. Take your time and if you feel low or wobbly, call a friend and unburden yourself to them. Or post here. Resist contact with him.

Today I feel like my heart is broken. This would have been a day that we would have made the most of, we'd have got up early and we would have gone out. I am feeling low and really don't want to go out on my own.

Been there Poppysquad

It is the most horrible feeling and I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. Be really kind to yourself today, allow yourself to cry as much as you need to, but also don't stay in on your own all day.

It's times like this you need people around you. Please call a friend and at the very least have a good chat with her.

And, hard as it is, try to remember the bad times as well as the good. You've had four years of uncertainty with this man, with repeated threats that the relationship will end, not to mention his demands on your time and the cold and selfish way he has treated your son - and the lack of care he shows about your relationship with your son - a decent partner would not have treated you such.

Like you, I had some good times with my Ex-DP too. But for me, it was at what cost? And, for me, it was a cost that I was not able to afford any more.

I've also found that writing things down helps too. You will be OK. Every day that passes will get a little easier. There are many, many good people around us all - family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, old schoolmates. Gradually you will reconnect with them and rediscover the woman you were before you met this man - albeit with new-found wisdom about yourself and what you want out of life.

Sending you big hugs

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

What now?

From the Relate web-page

One of the most helpful first steps if you feel you’re in an abusive relationship is to speak to someone outside of it.

If you can talk to someone who isn’t involved, they might be able to lend you a little perspective. This can be a particularly useful if you’re not sure where you stand – sometimes, behaviour we’ve become used to can seem quite clearly unreasonable to an objective outsider.

Sorry to hear that Poppy. It's ok to feel sad. You wanted something different. It's not worth putting up with the intermittent, unpredictable abuse just to avoid being on your own. You will build a new life with things in it that work better.

Poppy, I had days when I was feeling so sad.It is grief and shock.

At first the bad days out numbered the good but now I have definitely have more good days.I enjoy my life and am rediscovering who I am.It will take a little while to get through this phase and sadly there is no way to accelerate it but trust you will feel better.I found being in a quiet beautiful area helped..even if I was sobbing whilst walking.

Don't under estimate how your confidence will have been eroded.Sure he gave you compliments but when it came to listening to your concerns you were unheard and even blamed.That is so undermining as you question yourself and you will need to rebuild.

Treat yourself well and you will come through this.