I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

I know bluebell I spoke with the counsellor this morning. I've calmed down a lot. I was so angry and stressed. She told me that he had abused me. Taking advantage of his position as my 'father figure'. His behaviour is inappropriate. She helped me realise that I am not to blame. I did not ask for this.

One thing, at least I did not call my ExP. I would have run to him in any circumstance like this. And I did not . I have not shared this with him and probably never will.

Well done for not contacting your exP - it would have been easy to slip back in the circumstances.

Well, tomorow he will be here. My ExP will be at the house for the first time in weeks. I feel a little stressed by the situation but in control. I am perfectly prepared to hear what he has to say. I AM NOT prepared to agree to anything tomorrow. I AM looking for evidence that he recognises that his behaviour has been a major contributor to our situation.

I know I'm sticking my bill in, but exactly what has he told you he's coming for? It sounds as if he's said something along the lines of 'we need to talk' or 'there's something I need to tell you'. If so, do you really think you need to hear him? After the way he's treated your son (and you) what can he say that will make a difference?

Hope it goes ok Poppy. Stay strong

He is saying that he needs to sort out his HMRC code which, based on the posts from others, is a ruse. We do have the house details to sign off and approve so that the house can go on the market.
It is just that last time, he started to say that he would consider going to counselling. As I did not respond positively immediately, he backed off and said that now was not the right time to discuss this. It did seem like he was being respectful and giving me time to think about things. I have been thinking and to be hornest, I still don't know how I feel. I am sort of expecting that this will come up again when he comes over. And I know that the reality is that he probably won'and can't change.

I am dubious. It's getting ever near the time that my son will leave for uni. If my ExP truly knows what he is doing, then he may have chosen a time that I am more vulnerable. I just can't tell if he is just completely manipulative or is maybe realising that he does miss life with me.

He has no reason to come over at all, abusive men still want power and control over their chosen target after he has left. The abuse therefore continues albeit from further away. He still actively wants power and control over you.

He is again being manipulative here and having him talking at you will put you in a vulnerable position again as well. I personally would not answer the door to him this morning because you really have nothing to say to him now.

I am also sorry to read that your stepfather is not honourable either. I was not altogether surprised to read that you found him creepy as a teen; your senses were correct at that time.

Consider also what you have learnt about relationships when growing up; that also has played a huge part in why you got with this now ex of yours in the first instance. He targeted you OP: I have no doubts of that whatsoever, he has simply gone on to further exploit your vulnerabilities.

I agree that it's a ruse. But if he has something to 'say' I guess you might as well get it over with (sigh). BUT, remember that you don't have to listen to him if you don't want to.

I think it's much more likely that he feels some need to 'insert' himself into your life and/or 'space'. Like a tomcat having to piss on a fence.

If I were you, I'd have your neighbour there the whole time to stop him talking to you.

And I think it's 'interesting' that exP is hovering about considering that your DS will be off to uni soon. Perhaps waiting until DS is really 'gone' before suggesting a reconciliation?

There wont be any evidence that he recognises his own culpability. He may talk the talk, or not. All that will be is evidence he is a skilled and manipulative abuser.

If he was remorseful, he'd be staying away, and giving you the space you require.

He won't change.

Well......he says that he still has deep feelings for me and of course he still loves me and ideally he'd like to be with me but doesn't know if this is realistic or not, He's prepared to go to counselling with me to see if we can reconcile our differences and see if there is a way forward. He says that there are no guarantees. He can see us pulling apart at the moment, which is true. Both of us are sorting out our own social lives.

He won't contemplate us having anything other than a full living together relationship, living in the house that we have now. So if I continue to push to sell this house, and manage to do so, it is the end of the relationship. He says he wants to be in a full time, full on relationship. So I take that as saying that if this is not with me then it will be with someone else. That's fine. If its not with me then I won't really mind what he does.

He says that he understands that I want time with my son without feeling guilty and that my son is so important to me. I spoke to him about some of the situations I have been in with him, saying that he is leaving, and how this has made me feel. He has told me that I sound very negative and come over as a victim. I have said maybe that's the way I have felt at times. I don't want feel submissive in a relationship and if I understood him correctly, he doesn't want this either. He talked about his previous partner who spent a lot of time with her daughters. There again, she worked part time and he was in full time work then so she had more time on her own when he was at work.

I feel very much like the ball is in my court. However, even agreeing to going to counselling does not mean that things are sorted. Not by any means. I don't know what to do. I'm just thinking about it. I am due out at a friends house tonight. Time away might help.

Counselling with him won't work. He is an abuser, and will attempt to manipulate the situation to his advantage. Plus, you don't need couple counselling. He is the problem. If he wants to address his issues let him do so alone He won't.

Please look at the WA website, and consider doing the Freedom Programme, even online and read the book, Living with the Dominator. I guarantee you'll recognise him.

He will not change. He is simply reeling you back in. on all his terms I notice. You sound like a victim because you are one. A victim of his abuse. Leaving him is the only way you can be happy again. And possibly your only chance of continuing any relationship with your DS.

At the very least stop all contact/discussion with him for some time to allow yourself time to think. Today was supposed to be him simply coming to get something vital he needed. You are already planning to sell the house, and are living apart. He lied about that as he always has and will.

Pleas listen to all the advice on this thread and get rid.

No. No, no, no. Reread your post and see how he's manipulating you into doing exactly what he says. If you do XX, then I will do YY. If you don't do XX, I won't do YY. Just no.

You already know that he dislikes your son. You already know he's selfish. You already know he manipulates and withholds affection to get his way. You already know that he tears you down to built himself up Just NO.

Poppy, he invalidated your feelings and called you a victim..this is him telling you that anytime you raise an issue he will ignore it and worse blame you

This isn't love.

Read your original post Poppy. Don't get sucked back in.

Poppy,

Its a pity you actually answered the door to him at all.

As is the case with many abusers, the abuse continues even when you are apart. He wants absolute power and control over you still and likes having you around because to him you are easy to control, malleable and gullible. He targeted you deliberately and still does, he still wants to draw you back into his web of abuse and dysfunction.

Do not enter into couples counselling with him; infact no decent counsellor worth their salt would ever see the two of you in the same room due to the abuse he has meted out. Joint counselling is just another tool in his arsenal to beat you over and about the head with.

He has not changed a jot since he moved out, he still hates your son and he still hates women, all of them.

He's abusive
I feel sorry for you, especially your son

Of course it's not all bad. That's why you stay x
But the bad outweighs the good and you would both be so much happier without walking on eggshells x

It's not fair on your son 😔

Hi Poppy

When I read that your Ex-DP 'will not tolerate anything other than a full on full time relationship living in the house that we have been living in' it made me shudder.

This is exactly what my Ex-DP said to me and it was absolutely designed to pressurise me into doing what he wanted me to do. My Ex-DP would not tolerate any time apart - even an overnight stay for me at my elderly mother's was banned' and I was told that if I did such then he would change the locks to the house in my absence. Looking back,I can't believe I put up with such shitty behaviour for so long - but I do understand why now and it's because he basically kept on and on with the narrative that all the failures in our relationship were my fault. I was wrong to want to spend time with my kids, wrong to make last minute plans or changes to existing plans, wrong to want to see my mother without him, wrong to want to see my friends at all etc etc. Nothing was ever his fault and your Ex-DP is just the same.

If you agree to go back to him at all you will regret it bitterly, I can guarantee. You've been away with your son and you are free to spend time with friends and family without pressure from him to be at his beck and call all the time.

Poppy how he is treating you is not love, whatever crap he is telling you. And it is not respectful or caring or acknowledging you as a person or your own desires and wishes.

Please stay strong and stay away from this man. Your life without him has already been so much better.

From the CPS website

The Government definition also outlines the following: Coercive behaviour is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.

Sound familiar? And coercive behaviour doesn't have to mean fear of physical violence. It can mean threats of being walked out on. Humiliation through 'lectures' and being berated. Intimidation via fear of the abuser's mistreatment of one's child.

He has done all of the above, plus more. Please, please don't let him back in. He was expecting you to come running when he left. You didn't and now he's using coercive control to work his way back in. If you do this, he will know that he has absolute control over every aspect of your life. And what's worse is that your son will know it, too. So just remember these words when he's threatening and coercing you: "Keep the man and lose your son. Lose the man and keep your son".

poppy, he invalidated your feelings and called you a victim..this is him telling you that anytime you raise an issue he will ignore it and worse blame you. This isn't love.

bang on Hermonie2016 as ever.

This isn't love.

What about what you want?
Do you want a full on full time relationship with a man who withholds affection no intimacy
who expects you to put his needs over anyone else's re: rushing home to cook all his meals in his retirement
who has not much interest in your son creates non issues regarding son to test your loyalty
who would rather leave you anxious and stressed during a medical test over a lump of wood in garden
A man who withdraws from you physically (leaving home u share) on several occasions

What about you? He's doing a lot of the talking now its your turn

OP you SERIOUSLY need to ban ALLLLLLLL contact with him - whatever the form - in person, email, text, letter!

Every. time. he has any kind of contact with you, his manipulation and mind games start to affect you again!

Anything he wants to discuss - ignore or respond with "I won't be responding to your communications for the foreseeable future" - repeat, repeat, repeat.

If there's something you genuinely need to address that helps YOU move forward (not him, not what he wants) then you can do it by post or solicitor or an intermediary who will take papers round to him for him to sign. He does NOT have to meet with you or see you at your home or be with you in person for any of this stuff.

HMRC codes - what do people do who move house - do they have to go back to the old house and ask the new owners if they can pick up their HMRC code? Of course they don't! They ring HMRC and get it sorted themselves to a new address/contact details. He's having you on OP; don't fall for it or be dragged back in (which is what he's doing).

You HAVE to break contact TOTALLY for a good period of several weeks to get your head straight. Every interaction is a step back to the exact same situation as you are in now. It will NEVER get better even if you had counselling every day for the next year. As PPs have said, a counselling session where you open up about stuff will just be further fodder for him to emotionally abuse and manipulate you with going forward. Please, please don't let that happen.

I don't know what to do.
Sell the house. Asap. Then, don't look back.

He has made it plain that his terms are that you are in the house with 1000% of your attention on him, 24/7/365. Nope. He wants a slave. He can use someone else.

He is punishing you for his previous girlfriend spending time with her children. Nope. His previous relationship should have zero relevance to your relationship.

He has told me that I sound very negative and come over as a victim. He is declaring that you are not allowed to be "negative" in his presence. No! That is so mentally unhealthy. You need the full range of your emotions as does your son. He Who Stomps Off certainly expresses his negativity at will. Just say "NO!" to that double standard.

He is such a snake !
He says that he understands that I want time with my son without feeling guilty and that my son is so important to me.
A normal person would say "...understand that I want to spend time with my son" and not bring "feeling guilty about it" into it at all. He is using suggestive influence to insert the feeling guilty part about it into the way he thinks you should think about spending time with your son. A bit of Jedi Knight Mind control. Cut him loose. Do not think, do!

I know it is hard! I think you do have an operational understanding that he is emotionally abusive which is designed to challenge and manipulate the way you think. So you will not trust the way you think...so you will not trust your own brain! Your gut feeling has not failed you, thankfully. The gut feeling may not always have the exact vocabulary to enunciate the specific dynamic (that is the great service MN provides) but the gut feeling still knows things are wrong for you.

After seeing him this weekend, you still feel manipulated? The ruse to get into your space was a manipulation. The story about the code was not sincere. Let yourself feel the frustration from that.

You can ask yourself if you want to be with him. If it isn't a "hell YES!" then it's a "no" (and this is actually a "hell NO!").
No Contact time.

Just look at the thing you keep saying:

"He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says", "He says"

Er, hello?

Are we hitting home yet? What do you take from the above?

Poppy I've told you my story, please please don't end up like me, too bloody old and tired and worn down to get out. Get out while you can, and live your life.

Thanks for all your posts and concerns. I do note your point Bluebell and I do acknowledge all of your experiences and I recall you saying this about your ExDP Blessed. I am taking time to read and reread and digest all of your posts. I am not ignoring anything, believe me.

When we met we did discuss some of my needs. I gave you his answers to my questions, so it did look a bit one sided, Having said that he didn't really ask me lots and lots about my needs. However, he did acknowledge that maybe unfairly, he had left me to do all the cooking. I pointed out that he had once said that it 'was the least I could do'. Well bugger that. I told him that if we were to be together at the very least that had to change. I was looking for a more equal division of work.

It was me who introduced the issue about me wanting to spend time with my son without feeling guilty. The 'guilty' bit was my wording not his. And he agreed with this. However, it's just words, I know.

I went back and looked at my list of what an ideal partner would be like. A list I developed in a counselling session some time ago. There are quite a few things that I could quite easily put a tick against for my ExP, otherwise, why would I have ended up with him? However, there are points that are not ticked:

Being accepting and forgiving with me and and my son
Friendly with my son and a good male role model
Easy going – not judgemental
Someone who desires me

The question is - can these things that he doesn't have change?

He definitely thought that I would fall apart without him, which I have not and will not, and he thought he could waltz back in. The counsellor predicted this when he didn't move all of his stuff out of the house. And he's not changed his address for the bank, or evidently, HMRC.

One issue I do have is that he says that he only wants to be with me in our current house. His rationale is that we have put a lot of time and effort and money into that house - it was meant to be our home for a good few years. He can't see a relationship working where we both live in our own homes, like we did a couple of years ago. I am concerned that maybe he wants the house, and I come with it.

One other point - he suggested that he couldn't be sure that if, say, he fell really ill, I would be there for him. Odd isn't it? Surely that's one aspect of loving someone? Of course I'd be there and be supportive. I don't get that.

My friends who I was with yesterday feel that things are still too one sided. As I suggested before maybe I should sort out more clearly what my criteria is - my list above?

My friends did acknowledge how much better I have been since my ExP and I got together. How much happier I've been. How many new things I've done and tried. How much fitter and healthier I am - partly because my self esteem was boosted by being with someone who actually seemed to care.

What ever happens I am not rushing to do anything. Nothing. I will not be pressured. I feel under pressure but will not budge.