I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

Hi Blessed I have not explored this with the counsellor but I do have a tendency to want to fix people too. My ExH was a bright guy who had not succeeded at school and I encouraged and supported him and he when he went to university while I worked. And my ExP I felt sorry for. No living relatives, other than a distant cousin that he has lost contact with, no close friends other than the couple in Cyprus. So I provided all that and brought him into my family and friendship group. And if i am honest, I still feel sorry for him, although I don't think that he feels sorry for himself.

thedayibroke What can I say? Thank you for your ringing endorsement.

I have only been angry a couple of times and have shouted at him. I have still been questioning if the moves are truly mind games. I've heard nothing from him at all for the last couple of days.

I think it's true that some of his nasty side was hidden and only really emerged when we moved in together. One one hand - that could be because that's when I was more 'beholden' to him, on the other hand some of the frustrations he expressed were about living with me and my son and they only became evident when we actually lived together.

Interesting what you say about "mattress-gate" and him being sweet to me now and appearing supportive. The counsellor seemed to think that this may be genuine. He did offer to help me cook when we were together but in all the months we lived together he 'cooked' one meal and that was on the night that we came home from the hospital after my biopsy when he heated up a ready meal.

The counsellor did say that leaving his stuff around is a sign that he's not signed out yet.

Like you, I think he maybe wants me to beg him to come back.

But thanks for reminding me, I won't forget that night before the biopsy when a bit of wood was more important than my feelings at the time. I didn't sleep much that night. If I'd had the guts I'd have left then.

Thanks for saying that this was not my fault. After two failed relationships it doesn't always feel like that. I am trying to be dispassionate and keep away from him. It's not easy. Despite everything I can't switch off my feelings although all his stuff is now in the spare room and the door is firmly shut.

I was in touch with the estate agents yesterday and they are coming to take pictures and measure up next Thursday. Phew.

Yes, anger can be a good tool.

But that anger needs to be internal anger. Rage to the skies in private and in your thoughts. But do NOT show it to him. What you need to display to him is indifference. Even if it's only an act. Fake it til you make it.

Blowing up is still a reaction to him as far as he's concerned. And that's what he craves. If you 'care' enough to blow up, then that's an ego stroke for him. Don't do it.

Poppy, I think accepting that the relationship is definitely over is key to your recovery.I spent ages in the bartering phase (maybe if I did x or y it would be ok).

I think this is a legacy from an abusive relationship as you can't quite understand how you can go from hero to zero.

I suspect I look to fix partners and also make my needs secondary..assuming if I give enough it will come back.
Like you I felt sorry for ex, he has family but its very superficial and no close friends.Certainly no one that he would be vulnerable with.
I suppose looking back the red flags were there but perhaps I wanted to believe I had found this amazing person even if his track record and lack of close relationships was telling me something else.

Cutting the link is very painful but necessary.Like you I wish for a happy ending but know that's not realistic (althiugh still deep inside I wish it could all be mended).

Poppy, you're doing so well. I keep checking in to see how you're doing. You are made of strong stuff

Poppy I cannot imagine how you must have felt the day of your biopsy, with him shouting and telling you off over some wood. Where the hell was his compassion? He should have been fearful of what was happening to you, not what had happened to the wood. That fear should have put things into perspective and made him realise how important you were in his life. He behaved unforgiveably that day, just piling more stress and strife onto you when you were so vulnerable. Having been through my own operation for a small cancerous growth, I know how scared and bewildered I felt, with my mind full of thoughts and "what-ifs", tired from not sleeping the night before. My DH and I were silent all the way to the hospital and he was so frightened of what may happen. I'm as fit as a fiddle now, but had my DH acted like your ex did, something would have died in me.

From now, Poppy, look to a new future where you are free to do what you want, when you want and with whom you want. Your lovely son can relax in his home without fear of setting anyone off. You will feel grief at the loss of this relationship, but you are strong - your posts here show this - and you will come out the other side better and stronger.

As AcrossThePond says, show no anger, internalise it. Do not show him any emotion at all, indifference is the way to go. It will be so hard as it isn't how you are. When you're having a wobbly moment, think about the day of your biopsy and how he made you feel. And then say to yourself "How dare he!"

You sound so fab, you really do. HE is an utter fool because he doesn't realise what a precious person he has lost.

•Poppy, I think accepting that the relationship is definitely over is key to your recovery.I spent ages in the bartering phase (maybe if I did x or y it would be ok).*

Me, too Hermonie I totally get what you are saying. Still not sure that I am 100% there yet emotionally, although practically my life has improved immeasurably since I left him. And the move has removed the barriers he sought to place between me and my kids and my wider family.

It's weird Poppy but I don't feel any anger towards my Ex-DP, at the moment, anyway, even though rationally I should be furious with him. Still working on that one. I suspect it will come in time. But as Across says, don't show him any anger at all, otherwise he will be getting that reaction from you that he wants.

My heart has flipped over again this monring. The words that are going through my head are my partner saying that he cares for me but can't live with me. This is what he said when we met up last week.
I've started the day doubting myself. Am I really that awful? What's wrong with living with me?

I keep thinking - It's him that left me. It's him that has walked out. I will get myself back in balance over the day.
Tonight is a barbecue in the village with around 50 people there. It's an event we both wentto last year and had a great time. Tonight is the first time that I'll see quite a few people that we both know so I am sure that they will ask about my ExP. I want to go and a couple of people have been in touch to ask me if I'm going and both have been very kind. I just need to steel myself a little.

Can you ask your friends if you could go to the barbecue together, so you are not alone/bumping into ex alone when you are there?

It's a good idea to go, and get it over and done with.

You are not an awful person, you sound very empathetic and human, which he doesn't appear to be. He is making you doubt yourself again, and the evidence just does not stack up. He is playing a game, read up about gaslighting and arm yourself.

Poppy, you are feeling rejected and discarded for not being good enough.However that's not true.

You started this post explaining issues and everyone said the issues were not deal breakers for normal people..you have to believe that.

My ex had a similar list of my issues, telling people felt crazy as they couldn't relate to it but it's not about trivial house issues it's about his need to have you do what he wants.
You have to rephrase "I couldn't live with you" to "I couldnt live with you because you wouldn't comply with all my demands"

"Wouldn't comply with all my unreasonable demands"

Afternoon Poppy

Hermonie is right. He has walked away from the relationship, but it's not because you are not good enough for him - IT'S BECAUSE HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!

There are dozens and dozens of women who have posted on this thread, many of whom have had similar experiences including, as you know, myself, and not one of us has said that they regret ending the relationship with their controlling partner. Not one.

Many of us have gone through what you are going though - the, I wishes, what ifs and if onlys etc etc - but we can all only work with what we have right in front of us now, not what might have been or what we wish to be. And your Ex-DP has shown himself to be selfish, angry, small-minded and controlling - never mind the nice days out with him at village garden parties. What about the not wanting your son in the house? Not valuing your parenting of your son, or valuing your relationship with your son, let alone the relationship he could have had with your son had he been a more generous and giving person? Etc etc.

You are clearly a really lovely person, kind, considerate and loving. You have good friends, family who care about you, a good job and you have brought up a son who sounds a smashing young man, and you have faced your share of difficulties in doing that with relationship changes. Just think about that for a moment. How great an achievement that is. How on earth can you possibly say that you are not good enough for this pig of a man? I hate to be so strident because I know you still have deep and genuine feelings of love for him, but it is the truth - this man is shallow and selfish and simply is not good enough for you and your son. And it really doesn't matter if he's left you or you left him. The reality is that the relationship broke down and you have parted.

And with regards to your village get-together - see if you can hook up with your friends and go with them. Go and enjoy it. You are not obliged to tell anyone anything you don't want to. If it feels any easier then just say you and X are having some time apart because you've not been getting on too well lately and leave it at that. Wait until you feel stronger to share anything further, and only then if you want to.

And please, as you look around your social circle tonight, do not be fooled into thinking that everybody else's lives are sorted and happy. Scratch the surface and everyone has their issues or their crosses to bear. And then thank your lucky stars that you've just got rid of yours.

You have done so incredibly well and I think your honesty in dealing with your vaccilating emotions has been amazing - and so much more productive than saying what you think others may want you to say. I absolutely take my hat off to you.

And last thing to say: I was reading something on a fab website I've recently come across called esteemology. I was trying to figure out why I, perhaps like you, still hanker after a relationship with someone who so obviously to everyone else around me, is ultimately no good for me. Why do I want this, why do I want him, and why do I think that I even have the right to change him / fix him?

The writer puts it this way: If you want someone that takes charge, has oodles of integrity and is family oriented, does it make sense to partner up with a broken down partner, that lies and manipulates people, is misanthropic, and can’t even take care of themselves? – It’s like travelling to the desert, when you really want to go to the beach.

Now I most definitely want to 'go to the beach' relationship-wise, and so, finally, I am beginning to see that the desert, while it has sand and a particular beauty of its own at times, is also a barren and hostile place and one where water is usually just a mirage.

You can read the whole thing here esteemology.com/do-you-suffer-the-fixer-mentality/

It has really struck a chord with me Enjoy your party tonight - and, if you can, please resist the urge to respond to anything he may ask you about it, other than maybe that you went and had a great time.

The self doubt is perfectly normal. We all doubt ourselves at times, and yours has been compounded by a bastard who used that self doubt for his own purposes. Just remember that you have people in your life who value you, who think that you are a normal, average person with quirks and faults, just like the rest of the human race. He's made you think you have to be perfect. You don't. You just have to be the lovely, unique person that you are.

Go to the BBQ with some friends. Try to relax and feel the pleasure of being somewhere with people who care about and value you. Really think about how good that feels. I think it's been some time since you've had that. You deserve it so go enjoy it!

Wow, you are sounding really positive today, good on you. It's great you went to the party alone and chatted to other people. The widow sounds like a nice friend to have who might be up for some travelling maybe in the future. But solo trips are great, I did one to Washington, it was for work but a week alone did wonders for me.

And it's great if you don't tell your ex anything. Keep him at arms length and don't feel like you own him any information. You are free to make choices without his (dis)approval now.

Glad you went to the party Poppy, you sound so positive.
And the 'fuck it' holiday idea sounds great too, yes to doing something you've always wanted to do.

If he's that angry about work ... he is capable of wiping

Leave him and make it permanent.

You see, you are valued and appreciated by other people. And that's because you are a good person! Please try to get out more and be with those people.

I 100% agree with keeping your life to yourself. He doesn't really care anyway, other than to try to one-up you or put your activities to make your life seem banal by comparison.

And I agree with staying away from his home. If for no other reason than that it allows you to say "No, your home is yours and my home is mine. The fact that it was once 'ours' is meaningless". And that's true. My cousin (more like a sister) bought my childhood home from my parents. I would no more waltz into that house without knocking than I would a total stranger's. It may have been my home once, but it is her home now.

Have your 'fuck it you' holiday. And especially if it can be one that you didn't do because he wouldn't have liked it.

So, today. What can I say? I'm now really confused

I agreed to meet with my ExP to drop off some of his things on the way to my sisters house, where I am staying for the next few days. We wandered around the very quaint little town where he is now living. It is lovely. He reached for my hand to hold it. Not once but a number of times. I wasn't bold enough to just pull mine away.

He says that we've had some great times together. Too many not to try and make it work. He's had a lot of time to think things through. More than I've had. He'd be prepared to go to counselling if I thought it would help, although not if it's just an opportunity to just sling mud at each other.

He could see that I was hesitant. It wasn't what I was expecting. So he backed off a little and said that it wasn't the right time if I obviously wasn't sure.

He hasn't said that he's sorry or wants to make things right. He mentioned that one thing that has resonated with him is me telling him that he's not able to compromise. He thinks that this is really unfair as he feels that he has had to compromise from the start.

We also talked about the house. The selling price etc. He says that he's not as determined as I am to sell. Implying possibly that he'd move back??

So we parted and I drove another couple of hours. Thinking about what he's said. I really don't know. Even if he went to counselling would he be able or wiling to change? Is he just picking me up to drop me again? What happened to the long list of my faults? The ' what do I get out of this relationship'? Has he really reconsidered? Or is this just another roller coaster? I couldn't bear more of the, is he going to leave or not....

WTF??

.

My personal translation is that he didn't expect you to let him leave. He expected you to beg him to stay. His heart may be fine but I bet his ego is hurting.

There is a very real chance that he had it set up so that you would throw your son out and beg him to stay. Because once you realised how much you needed him then you would have to understand that there were conditions on him coming back and you need to be more respectful.

I don't think it's anything to do with love. I think it's to do with pride and you not crumbling.

Out of interest - why didn't you feel able to pull your hand away? Were you scared of his reaction? Would it have seemed 'impolite' instead of 'giving false hope'? Did you feel safe when you held hands? You don't need to answer any of that, but you may find it useful to consider the questions. Good luck.

He'd be prepared to go to counselling if I thought it would help

So he would go, but then you would have to promise to stay with him afterwards. He would always say, 'Well I did what you wanted, I went to counselling and you still aren't happy"

He should be going to counselling because he genuinely wants to change himself for the better, but already he sounds like he is being dragged along reluctantly. He doesn't want to change.

although not if it's just an opportunity to just sling mud at each other

So he has begrudgingly said he will go, and then already set the boundaries by saying 'no slinging mud'. He doesn't want to be held accountable for the things he said and did. He wants to hear that this is all your fault, and you are the one that needs to change, not him.

He mentioned that one thing that has resonated with him is me telling him that he's not able to compromise. He thinks that this is really unfair as he feels that he has had to compromise from the start. He can, we all can. He just doesn't want to. And by telling you this, is his get out clause. If you ever disagree with him again, he will say 'well I told you I don't do compromise'

Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that?' really helped me with some of this stuff. Knowledge is always power so it is worth taking a read of it if you can.

He sees you slipping away from his grip and is trying to lure you back.

He'd be prepared to go to counselling if I thought it would help, although not if it's just an opportunity to just sling mud at each other.

No. If he was serious he would have said "I still love you and I realize that perhaps I've been hasty. I think we should go to counseling and be brutally honest with each other to see if we can salvage our relationship". What he said was "I'll go if you want me to, but you better not say anything bad about me". Just the phrase "I'd be prepared to go if you think..." shows that he's not sincere about changing a damn thing and would only be going through the motions.

Here's the thing. You need time away from him to clear your head and reorganize your thoughts. He's around just enough to mess with your head and keep you from doing so. Try telling him that you need space and time away from him to consider things and that he needs to not contact you for a month. He'll promise, but he'll find reasons why he can't keep that promise because that actually might work to get him out of your head.

Head is still muddled. I think you're right though. He expected me to buckle and I haven't. When I spoke with my counsellor we talked about what life could be like if we were back together. She thought that things could just drift back to the way they were. And I know that there are big consequences for this.

On a positive note, with my sisters encouragement, I've just paid a deposit for the holiday walking the Camino. It feels amazing. I've wanted to do this for years. I'm not going until next May so plenty of time for training.

Morning Poppy

I'd be super-wary, if I were you. Quaint towns and hand holding are lovely, but sadly day to day life is not like this.

Please ask yourself these questions:

Do you think your Ex-DP would be similarly amenable when your son comes home from uni? Will there be companionship and relaxed chat? Or awkward silences and recrimination?

Do you think your Ex-DP will be happy for you to take time for yourself, such as seeing a friend when you want to, not fitting a quick visit in on the way home from work? Or will he still be demanding his tea be cooked for him early evening by you, without fail?

Will your Ex-DP be properly loving and supportive of you through sickness and health? Or is there a risk he will storm around again, if things don't go his way, regardless of what you may be going through?

I think Across is right in that he fears you are slipping away from him. And the offer to go to counselling does not sound as if he's really thought about what that means for him - ie: being accountable for what he has said and done, and making real efforts to change.

It's up to you what you do but you have had 18 months of living with your Ex-DP, in a similarly lovely house in a similarly lovely place. The location, essentially, doesn't matter. It's the people / person around you which makes the difference.

He is trying to win you back, that's for sure, and I am sure you feel flattered by that. And the pull toward regaining the security of going back to what you know, even if it is stressful and painful, can be very strong.

Do you know that, on average, it takes a woman in an abusive relationship seven attempts before she leaves her partner for good? There are reasons for this - you can read more here:

www.breakthesilencedv.org/beat-that-seven-times-statistic/

Sorry Poppy - I know this is probably not want you want to hear - and I wish you only good things and happiness. I'm just not at all sure that, judging from what you've told us already, that you will find such with this man.