I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

OP I've been reading your thread, you're doing really well. Your Ex is a grade A dickhead.

No, you don't want him coming round unannounced. No you don't want his shit all over your house. No you don't want him having a shower in your house. He knows this, that's why he does it - to say 'if I want to I can come back'. Same with the 'I'll reassess when I want to' business.

He might have physically left but you were the one who was strong enough to effectively call time on the relationship by saying to him you weren't going to prioritise him over your son all the time. He might have physically left but you were the one who wouldn't dance to his tune, that's why he stropped off.

My ex used to say to me 'I will always be able to have you... I will come and fuck you on your wedding day if you marry someone else'.

Oh and being on your own at home is LOVELY. It really can be. You deserve way better than this man. He needs to realise that you don't want him back, you want something better. I know you don't want to live in limbo, walking on eggshells. I know you don't want to lose your son.

He can go and sit in his little cottage... the thing is, 5 LTRs later, maybe you just need to think actually it's him, not you, who has the problem?

I do agree he needs to quit it with the DIY and he needs to get rid of his stuff. OK you can't change the locks but I'd do things like hide the milk if I thought he might come round (but I'm quite childish, I would turn the power off and make sure there was no hot water as well ) Fuck him coming round making tea and having showers.

I would respond that he is correct, I don't want him in the house as it is no longer his home and where would he prefer to meet?

He's trying to bully you and make you feel as if you are being unreasonable or rude. You aren't. And what does the drive time have to do with anything? It's still a three hour drive whether he's going to the house and getting his shit or you're bringing it to him at XYZ place.

I'd be tempted to be snarky and say "How about if I just bring your shit to your new place? Just post me a key so I can bring it at my convenience and walk it right in. Oh and by the way please have and some fresh towels so I can brew a cuppa and have a nice shower whilst I'm there".

And yes, things will start to get uncomfortable as you start to stand up for yourself. But that's a GOOD thing because that means that you are starting to really think and to realize that he has been treating you like a doormat.

Let those feelings of 'uncomfortable-ness' sink into your head a bit and they may well start to turn into anger. And anger is what you need to feel. Anger will banish hurt and give you strength.

Across and Hermonie

Poppy the things we've posted since your last post may be a bit hard for you to read, because they go against what you've been doing (i.e. letting him come and go and just gritting your teeth). They may 'feel' wrong' to you. You may have fleeting thoughts of 'but if I tell him I don't want him in the house, etc, then he'll never come back' because in the back of your mind there's still 'what if'.

Poppy, love, he is NOT a good person even if there have been 'good times'. He is not a kind person even if he's done 'kind things'. And the way he acts is not because he is 'spoilt' or 'doesn't realize what he's doing. He knows exactly who he is and there are selfish motives to everything he does. You've started to 'push back' just a wee bit and you can see how that affects him. It's made him 'terse' and accusatory. And he's made a statement (a 3 hour drive!) that is intended to make you feel bad, as if you are being mean to him. When in fact, you have offered to put yourself out (pack up shit and meet him) in order to save him time and trouble. No, he just wants to get back in the house so he can once again 'mark his territory', preferably when you'll be there so he can see you hurt.

Please don't allow this. I'm sure our collective brain can come up with a refusal answer that you feel comfortable with.

Poppy, if you're wobbling a bit, just read your original post through - in fact print it out and pin it up above your bed!

I get that you don't want to be nasty to your EXP, you don't have to be, just be cool and polite. You don't have to engage in conversations with him, apart from purely business matters. Keep to your boundaries and don't let him breach them, even though he'll try. He cannot come and go in your home whenever he feels like it, if it makes it easier for you, just say "it's not convenient at that time, sorry".

Take care

hermonie blessed across bluebell and now curious thank you and to anyone else who is posting. You wouldn't believe how amazing your support has been. You are really helping me

across you're absolutely right. Despite all the crap there's still been a thought at the back of mind that everything could be ok. We could sort things out. He could change.

All of your comments, and those of my good friends and sessions I have had with my counsellor all point it the same conclusion. It's not going to work. My ExP said it himself. He's 63, he's not going to change. So I would have to live with the possibility that at anytime he decides to leave again. The idea being to keep me in line. Leaving me trying and trying to keep him happy. And potentially alienating my son and at the very least giving him the message that his mum puts up with a crappy relationship.

It's taking some time to get around to understanding and accepting things. As you've said, he's not the lovely guy I thought he was. This is not easy to understand. His terse emails tie in with the flouncing off when I said I wanted to think about going for a walk with him rather than jumping at the opportunity. This is what he's like. He must either get really angry really quickly or be extremely manipulative.

I've the first session with the therapist today. I'll see how this goes, I am open to anything that helps.

I'm still going through waves of being upset. I sat on my own travelling home last night sniffling and wiping away the tears. How sad is that? A 56 year old woman stifling the tears in public. The trigger was thinking about what a colleague said. He, like me, is now on his own, hed talked about being on holiday on his own and being lonely in the evenings when he was sat having a meal. I think that I am hugely sensitive at the moment.

It's not just that your son is getting the message that his mum puts up with a crappy relationship. It's also that he may absorb that that is the way men treat women and that it's ok - must be, you lived with it for years.

Best of luck today

It's the hardest thing of all Poppy, to accept that the man you loved is not the man you thought he was. And that he will never change.

You are doing so well though. The bit of time and distance away from your previous routine has enabled you to perceive your situation more clearly. That is absolutely massive and I take my hat off to you because I know just how bloody hard it is to do that.

And you are grieving, grieving the loss of a partner, however crap he was, and, grieving the loss of the partner you hoped he was. Time is the healer here - and cold comfort though it might be, you are far, far from being the only one not in a good relationship at the moment. There are millions of us, so you're in good company. And better to be alone than emotionally used, I think. Lots of hot sweet tea, talking to friends when you feel like it, rest and doing things you want to do. You can do it - and good luck with the therapist.

I have agreed to meet my ExP tonight after work. Not at home. I don't want him in my home. He says we've not had time to talk recently and it would be good to catch up. I am not sure that I've done the right thing. Maybe I should have backed off. I am very aware now and will have the bullshit monitor on high alert. I am also prepared for either him flouncing off or me deciding I've had enough and leaving.

My overall concern is that he may be trying to show me how kind and considerate he can be, keeping me hanging on a thread, hoping that we can get back together. As I have posted here, I have slowly and surely come to realise that this relationship is not right and it would be harmful.

I know it sounds stupid but I do still love him and that's why I agreed to meet up. I know that I really need to distance myself from him. I am ashamed of saying yes to him. I am still not strong enough to push him away.

I will be wary. I will listen to what he says. Watch what he does and try not to get drawn in.

Meeting up doesn't sound like a good idea and you clearly feel uncomfortable about it. Still time to cancel....

He sounds like a complete arsehole. Only one thing to say... kick him out.

The things your DP has done for you , you could pay someone to do. Don't be with a man because he does PRACTICAL things for you. Be with him because he is kind, compassionate, loving, accepting, understanding, sweet to you and your kids, thoughtful.

Need I go on?!

Good luck today Poppy

I have done similar to you and for the same reasons. The main thing is to maintain your awareness of his bullshit. He almost certainly will be 'lovely' to you today, at least at the start of your meeting anyway. And if you feel crap afterwards, for whatever reason, talk to your friends about it / post here so you can properly process what's been said / done.

However, I don't think I need to remind you that if he was genuinely lovely he would not have done all the things you have been agonising about since your first posted and you would still be together. Sad to say, this guy, like so many others, is only really interested in himself - and having someone to serve his needs. Do you want to be that servant? Or do you want a) freedom and b) the possibility of someone better?

((((hugs))))

He sounds awful op . Wanted to give you some

Yes he is displaying controlling behaviour.

Be careful op - he has sorted out your finances and so he has that knowledge/power over you. Get legal advice.

Also (in the nicest possible way) there is no need to cook him dinner every night or feel guilty when you don't. What chores does he do? If he likes to eat early then why can't he sort out his own food? You sound far too nice.

Trust your instincts about the nastiness potentially escalating. That incident with the biopsy (I hope you are ok btw) is just plain unkind. Get legal advice, then run for the hills. You deserve so much better.

Sorry, things have evidently moved on (managed to miss a huge chunk of posts) well done op, keep strong

Hi Poppy,
I hope the meeting goes well.

It might help to be a bit "business like" here, have a written list of things to discuss, such as when to put the house on the market, who is contacting estate agents, what are both your expectations of the asking price, who's doing viewings etc etc. Keep it on a business level and don't let any emotional chat creep in.

It might also be helpful to set a time limit at the outset, tell him you've only got an hour, or 30 mins or whatever because you have plans for later, that gives you the upper hand, even more so if you then say "I'm glad we've had this opportunity to discuss the house sale" before he can say anything.

Of course you still love him. We can't turn our emotions off with the wave of a magic wand. There is nothing 'wrong' about that, we can't always control whom we love. BUT we can control how we act. And we CAN acknowledge that the love we feel is not healthy for us. So don't beat yourself over the head for still loving him. Just say "Yes, I still have these feelings, but they are not good for me. I will work hard to remember that he is NOT good for me and these feelings will die eventually".

Personally I don't think meeting him is a good idea. After all, what is there to 'catch up on' but himself and his tales of his 'wonderful new life'. What are you going to talk about? Right now your life is unsettled and you are trying to work on getting over him. Is that really something you want to talk about with him? No love, I think this 'catch up' is likely to be hurtful and manipulative to you and you'd be much better off cancelling it or showing up with a friend to 'have your back' (and give him nasty looks).

Listen, if you don't think you can cancel, can you arrange with a friend to call you about 30 minutes in? When they do you can use that opportunity to leave abruptly because Friend 'has an emergency' and you have to help. I'd say to have your son do it, but it may be better not to get him involved.

I think you are a bit like I was. You are still hoping that there will be some 'magic words' that you will say that will make him go "Oh Eureka!! I see now how wrong I've been and I will magically change and things will be wonderful" or he will say something that will show you just exactly what you need to do to 'change him'. That's why you keep allowing him into your life. THAT's what you need to work on. Accepting that he will not and cannot change. And that nothing you do or say will make him into the right man for you (or any other woman for that matter). He's rather like a cancer in your life. You get rid of it by cutting it out, not by trying to talk it away.

Again, I expect I'm sounding rather harsh. It's just that I can see myself (40 years ago) so clearly in your actions and thoughts. It took a lot of hard work on my part to get through it. I had to see 'that man' every stinking day because we worked in the same office. And he tried to do the same 'charming' act on me to impress the others we worked with on how 'kind' he was after he broke my heart and to keep me strung along. It's vicious and cruel.

Well, those of you that advised that it was a bad idea to meet up are probably right.

I did hear more about his new life and how he can hear the church clocks at the two churches we visited together at Christmas. How he is looking to take up Thai Chi lessons and the fact that he wants his walking boots etc so that he can organise a holiday in the lakes or north wales.

He's given me his new address and being curious I checked it out on Rightmove. The cottage next door was for sale. It's is really quite small but in a lovely location. I know that would probably be the case. He always either lives in lovely homes or makes sure that his home is made lovely.

I kept very quiet about myself. I am keeping lots back, like the fact that I've booked the weekend away with my son and booked a cottage for the August bank holiday with a friend. I don't want to share this with him. Am I being petty? I just think that he doesn't want to be in my life so why share things?

We did discuss selling the house. The asking price and which estate agent to use. I do feel really sad about this. It's a pretty house in a quiet village. Such a lovely home. But some bad memories.

He's asked how I am and said that I can call him anytime I want. I told him that I am coping but am struggling to sort out what the future looks like. He is the cause of the upset. How can I turn to him for support? I didn't cry. I am not giving him that satisfaction. Is he being concerned and supportive? Or is he checking to see if I was falling apart without him? There's still the long game yet. There's the fact that my son leaves home soon, leaving me definitely on my own and more vulnerable.

He did say that nothing has changed. He cares for me but can't live with me. That's changed a little. At least I didn't get a list of things I do wrong. But I also took him to mean that I've not changed and circumstances have not changed, my son is still home and I'm not planning on retiring, so how can he reconsider?

I still don't know if there's relationship that's not living together. The counsellor was concerned that over time this could just drift back and I'd be back where I was when we lived together. He could still be controlling in these circumstances. At the end of the day I would love a relationship with someone I could share my life with and I am not sure that not living together is enough. It just sounds like being friends.

The counsellor said today that Based on my relationship I should have stamped on my forehead NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Not a good enough partner, not good enough at cleaning, not good enough at supporting him, not good enough at being reliable. My ExP can't live with me because I'm not good enough. He used to say "what am I getting out of this relationship?"

I am going to work on this with the counsellors help. It has been pecking away at me for so long that it's become something a believe.

Up early. I can't sleep.

The counsellor also shared some of the Freedom Programme materials yesterday. I can see traits of my ExP in a number of the descriptions of abuse perpetrators. He is not as extreme as some of the descriptions but there are key things - including the fact that he withdrew from any sexual advances, something that the counsellor said has probably added to the damage of my self esteem.

Feeling a bit low, a NOT GOOD ENOUGH morning.

My son is away with his dad and his dads new family for the weekend. I'm busy too. Tonight is the clear out of my ExPs stuff with the help from my friend.

Morning Poppy
I've just read your latest posts.

He is still trying to control you. His concern about you is in the hope that you are falling apart without him which would be a massive ego boost for him. "He cares for me but can't live with me" - I agree with your take on it, he's saying if only you would change, things could be wonderful. But they wouldn't would they, because he would find something else to dislike. And your counsellor's right, if you're not careful you could drift back into a sort if relationship where you didn't live together but he called the shots, flitting in and out whenever he fancied.

I wonder if the reason he's had so many relationships is because he's looking for an elusive "perfect woman" rather than just good enough? Not one with a mind of her own and baggage from the past?

Well done you for keeping yourself together, you are good enough. And good luck for the clear out tonight - a bottle of fizz in the fridge might help!

Take care

God - he's really making this harder than it need be, isn't he?

Makes sense though, because of course it's all about him and his wants and needs.

I think clearing all his stuff out with your friend will be cathartic and help with your feelings. Have a glass of wine too!

Can't help thinking that part of the reason that you (understandably) feel so bad is because you feel you are not in control. He has taken control - take it back.