I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

Personally Poppy I would stay away from the house until you are he has gone, and then get the locks changed. He is not being fair to you at all - but that's no surprise because he hasn't been fair about so much and for such a long time.

It's not his home any more - simple as that. And the financial interest he has in it will be resolved in the near future when it is sold.

I agree with blessed, don't go home after work. See a film, visit a friend, get your nails done. Call your DS and see if he wants to meet up with you for dinner.

He knows what this is doing to you. If he had any decency at all he'd leave you alone and try very hard not to subject you to his presence. Instead he's pushing himself in your face and bragging about his 'new life'. He's hanging around your house hoping to twist the knife a bit more.

Please change the locks.

Hi. I really can't change the locks. But I did stay away. I went home a very long way round.

I'd like to say there was no sign of him but there was. He left the towel he had used after he had had a shower over the banister. and he left the jeans he was wearing screwed up on a chair in the bedroom and the wardrobe door - where he's left loads of his shirts, was left open where he'd got a clean shirt out.

He has taken a chair. But his computer is still here.

A friend has told me that she is coming over next Friday and we are going to take his stuff and put it all in boxes and put them in the spare room - as you've all suggested I should do. I can't bring myself to just chuck it into bin bags - thanks across but I can move it out of my sight. Having someone giving me a hand has pushed me into doing this.

I was planning on seeing a very good pal tonigh but she cancelled quite late on. I know it's irational but it sent me into a bit of a tiz. Thinking, this was it. This is what my life's is going to be like. On my own at home. I think that this was fuelled by the conversation with ExP earlier which had left me a bit emotional. He had just ended the conversation saying that he'd see me sometime....

In the end I went out to see a couple I know. I was a bit emotional when I arrived but they were great. Really calming. They told me I could pop over anytime. People have been lovely. People are lovely. I know I'm lucky

Sooo, basically he left his stuff about to mark his presence just like a tom cat spraying on things to mark his territory. He's really a piece of work, isn't he?

I'm glad you managed to avoid a 'direct confrontation', though. And this is NOT what your life is going to be like. Right now you're betwixt and between. But eventually he will be completely gone and you'll be able to really move forward. It sounds like you have a lovely bunch of friends who are more than willing to help you do so.

Just as across says, he's marking his territory. How rude.
How much more work needs to be done on the house? Once it's on the market, he can't keep popping round for showers etc, and once it's sold you can move on. So glad you've got a friend to help you pack his stuff up.
I can see why you were a bit upset when a friend cancelled, but try to see unexpected time alone as a positive, have a lovely bath, watch some trashy tv, early night with a good book......

Good idea to put it out of your sight, but what you really need to do is send a polite but firm text asking (no, telling) him to take it all away. You need to get the house ready for viewings and declutter. End of conversation.

I know it's not easy, but if you don't do that you are going to have him popping in and out whenever he feels like it, and that's going to make everything much harder for you.

Naicehamshop and Bluebellforest1 are right Poppy

He's got a place of his own and if it's not large enough for all his stuff then he can rent storage. Just get him out of your space so that he does not continue to invade it in this way. It is profoundly disrespectful towards you and if he cared at all about how you felt, he would not be rocking up on a whim and doing as he has done. It's that entitlement thing again.

Also, your life is in transition at the moment. You're still in the early stages of a new way of life after four plus years of living with HeWhoStompsOff - a life dominated by his needs and his timetable. Gradually you will adjust and remember those things you want to do, and couldn't have done with him around, and will do them. And your time will be more fulfilled than ever before. It all just takes time. I'm doing that journey myself and it's not at all easy - but it's definitely do-able and more than definitely the right thing to do.

Thanks. I can't decide if he's doing this on purpose or if he genuinely doesn't know what he's doing. I don't comment. I don't throw a paddy. I don't let him know that it upsets me.

The counsellor warned me that things may enter a difficult stage. It will be obvious to him that I am not chasing after him begging him to come back.

He's already phoned this morning. He's spotted something for sale that 'we' need for the garden and was checking if he should get it or not. Then he texted saying he will drop it off 'sometime'.

I don't know. Maybe he's lonely. Missing me? My heart has flipped yet again. I have Ben crying my eyes out.

Oh Poppy. I am sure you have been. What a thing!

It is so difficult for you. Perhaps your partner is having regrets - but this is not the way for him to deal with such feelings. A better man would call you, ask if he could talk to you, and say words the effect of 'Look, I'm so sorry about all this. I miss you and I don't know how I feel about you at the moment. I know this is hard for you too.' Etc etc.

I think Hermonie2016 is so right in one of her earlier posts when she says that in some ways men like your Ex-DP really do think they are showing you love - and that they are hardwired to think this way.

But the whole point is the net result of his latest actions are you feeling unsettled, distressed, tearful etc. Not relief, joy, contentment, happiness and security. Your Ex-DP is still going about things in a way that only suits him - and that is the core of the problem between you.

Maybe he is lonely. And maybe his is missing you? But - did he give you a moment's thought on those occasions when he has stormed off to a hotel without you? Has he given you any thought during his move to his 'wonderful' new home? Has he worried that you might be lonely, or missing him? Did he worry that you might be lonely as you waited, post-operation, for that consultant to tell you the news after your biopsy?

Have a good cry, and then call a locksmith to get your locks changed today.

Separation from an abusive relationship is super-hard Poppy. I still question myself many, many, many times a day: 'Was it my fault that my relationship with my Ex-DP failed?' 'What could I, should I, have done differently?' 'Why have things turned out this way? 'Where has that wonderful man gone?" I still long for the good bits, and the idealized version of the man I lived with and loved to my own detriment for years. I still wish that he would lose his need to control, lose the pathological jealousy, lose the terrible sense of entitlement and gain the ability to empathise. I wish for those things daily.

But I now know that whatever, I can't change him. Only he can do that. But I can change myself. And I have to look after myself first. Because I am worth it. And so are you.

Poppy, great post from blessed. He seems to think he has the upper hand here, he can drop in and out whenever he sees fit, use the shower, leave towels and clothes lying about, ring you whenever he feels like, make purchases for the garden........
Of course you are upset and confused, and he's making it worse by not allowing you a clean break. He's keeping you dangling.
I understand that you can't change the locks, it's still his house. Can you email him (less personal than phone/ text) to lay down some rules?

1. No "popping in" on a whim, visits need to be planned and agreed in advance.
2. Tell him his stuff will be boxed up by next weekend and you would be grateful if he could arrange for its collection asap - all in one go rather than in dribs and drabs.
3. Remind him that it was his choice to end the relationship, and therefore you don't think it appropriate to be chatting on the phone, although you will, of course communicate by email re the house sale.

From now on, don't answer his calls or texts.

The ball's in your court.
Take care of yourself.

I agree with blessed and bluebell.

But I do think he knows this upsets you. Why wouldn't he? He knows you didn't want this breakup. It's not very far from there for any reasonable person to know that it would upset you to see him and have him skipping in and out of your life. If the positions were reversed and you had broken up with him, wouldn't you realize that it might be distressing and that you'd be better off leaving him alone? Wouldn't you have a bit of sympathy and want to make things as simple and painless as possible? Of course you would.

As far as missing you, I think he may be missing a 'victim'. He probably hasn't found his next one, so I suppose he misses the one he let go. Usually his type don't 'move on' until they've got their next prey pretty firmly in their claws.

Poppy I'm sorry if my words hurt and I don't mean to sound harsh or cruel. I think it's because I've been where you are and I know so well the road you are navigating. I'm looking back 40 years seeing myself. And I'm looking from the vantage of having now been married 30 years to a man who treats me with love and thoughtfulness. That's no less than any of us deserves, including you.

Have your cry. Then dry your eyes and try to look a bit further down the road you're on. You'll see that there is a wonderful destination ahead of you if you just keep walking.

Your Ex-DP is still going about things in a way that only suits him - and that is the core of the problem between you

Why hadn't he called and asked if you are ok? However he has thought of a gift for the garden?? I really believe it's an inability to connect at an emotional level with anyone.Its just transactions to him.

An example: My stbxh is dragging me through an awful divorce yet appears friendly at school events and gives me thoughtful and generous presents since we separated.He appears not to see how I can be upset but he can be completely intolerant if I slip up.It feels like his nerve endings are on the outside as he can be easily hurt yet he cannot feel anyone else's pain.

Their emotional ability is that of a small child, it's all about them and how they are feeling and what they are not getting.If he was feeling lonely or regretful why not reach out to you in an adult way?

I know we all wish for a magic wand, to make them into the partners we want.A partner who can sustain a normal relationship, one where ups & downs are tolerated without drama and flouncing.I want it to be fixed as on so many other levels our life could have worked well.

I don't think they even have the insight let alone ability to change.
My stbxh is back in counselling, he's had years but given the issue is everyone else and he's a victim he's not likely to change.

Hermione,

"Their emotional ability is that of a small child, it's all about them and how they are feeling and what they are not getting.If he was feeling lonely or regretful why not reach out to you in an adult way? "

I've saved this quote, it is my husband to a t. He is a child, not an adult.
In a conflict situation, if I treat him as an adult it results in a meltdown. So I have to treat him as I did my sons when they were under 10.

Poppy this is absolutely why your exp is doing what he is doing. He's a little boy having a strop because he's not getting his own way.

Loads of great advise and insight. Thanks to all. And you're neither harsh nor cruel across I appreciate your straight forward approach.

His text messages are signed off with a x. And he has told me that he still loves me. This whole situation is awful and brain mashing as this doesn't fit with what he's is doing. He's not making any real attempt to mend things, not that I want him to. Do you honestly believe that he is just attempting to keep me hanging on just in case he is not successful in finding a new partner?

More painting tomorrow. And then when I am back later in th week I can seriously look at getting the house on the market.

I think he doesn't know what he wants Poppy.

There is a pattern to his behaviour though, isn't there? Losing it over relatively small issues, leaving, then coming back. You have previously said you've found this to be exhausting. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

And, even more to the point, it's about what you want. Not just what he wants.

Boundaries. Time. Recovery. Perspective.

Thanks blessed.

I am now away with work until late Tuesday night. There's an email in my inbox from my ExP which I opened late last night but have not replied to.

He's asking now I am. How I am getting on. He says that we've not had much time to talk and maybe we could find a couple of hours together to chat. No indication of what about. Is it about us? About selling the house? I've not replied. Yet. I do need to send him something. Just reflecting at the moment.

No, Poppy. You don't need to send him anything.
Create a folder called Tosser and put any messages he sends in there but do not open them, especially late at night when you need to feel relaxed for sleep. Wait till you have one of your supportive friends round and open it together with an attitude of What Does The Idiot Want Now. Laugh at his neediness for your attention and the wiley ways he tries to get it.
Do you notice how whenever you get an email/text from him you go into a lather? You need to know he programmed you to do that, so that when he beckons, you rush to respond; when he says 'jump', you say 'how high'. To break that pattern, just don't. Do nothing. Nada. Zilch.
You're in charge of yourself now, not him. You don't have to do ANYTHING he says.

He wants you to respond, to engage.
Don't respond, don't engage. It will drive him nuts

I wonder if he is cultivating you as a back-up plan on his rota of romantic interests.

They're right. You owe him not one iota of your time or energy.

Don't respond. If it's to do with the house he'll let you know.

Well done for not reacting Poppy. You are taking your time and thinking things through. Great!

And best not to open emails or any forms of communication from him late at night, as the others suggest, when your resolve may be temporarily weaker.

Play the long game here. The ball is firmly in your court. You are the person that matters most to you.

He has sent me another email saying that he needs to call at the house to collect more clothes. I've suggested that I if meet him on Thursday I can give him what he neeeds. He since sent me a very terse message saying that I obviously don't want him at the house. It's a three hour round trip for him to come to the house so it makes since that I meet him and hand things over.

I feel like things are starting to get more uncomfortable.

Poppy, try to just observe his behaviour.His earlier email confused you and that's not because you are dim but because he chooses to be ambiguous.It leaves his options open without him having to put in much effort.

Similarly his request to go to the house, is he showing understanding or just getting terse because he isn't getting his own way.

How someone responds to you when you offer compromises or say no is a very good way to judge intentions.

I had a long relationship before stbxh and when it ended we worked out stuff like this in a cooperative way knowing both people struggled.Its just basic empathy which he doesn't relate to, he assumes you want control over the house , rather than see you are upset and finding it difficult.

Hi Poppy

Hermonie is right. And ask yourself this question? Would you dream of turning up uninvited to his new home, let alone, expect to have entry to his new home just whenever you felt like it, with or without him being there? Because that is what he is expecting of you.

Also, it doesn't matter that it's a three hour round trip to his new home. That situation is entirely of his making.

You are correct in saying that things are starting to get more uncomfortable - for him. Don't feel sorry for him. The situation will only become uncomfortable for you if you allow it to be so. Do not take on board any of his tension, or complaints. You are in control of yourself. You do what you want to do to your own timetable. A decent person will respect that, and a person who is not decent, and doesn't respect that, does not deserve your time or energy.