I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

Poppy you are doing brilliantly. Expect highs and lows in the days and weeks to come but as Hermonie says, focus on the practical tasks which help to make each day a little better than the last.

If you have time, OP, you could take the Freedom Programme as well.

Hi

It sounds like you're doing really well in difficult circumstances.

I agree with loading all his crap into bags and telling him he's got X amount of time to collect as you have to get the house ready for estate agents to come take pictures etc

The skip has disappeared from outside the house. So now we can finish the drive and the house can go on the market. Feels strange. Stressful.

My good friend called round tonight and we ate together. She's so matter of fact. Her stock phrase is 'I don't think so'. She's very grounded and emotionally distant from my ExP so sees thimgs for what they are. If I need reassurance that this is the right path, and I MUST NOT crumble, she's the person I talk to.

My ExP told me that my Christmas present from him of tickets to a local flower show, are in a drawer in the kitchen. He said it's up to me if I go or not, take a friend or go with him. Keep reminding me that going with him is the wrong thing to do. I know, but keep telling me.

Don't do it Poppy

No. Anyone but him. Take Godzilla before him.

Take a friend and make a day of it. Or sell the tickets and put it in your fuck you holiday fund. (Or for my 1st class ticket to kick some ass )

Go with a friend Poppy, or on your own, or not at all, but not with ExP.

A low start to the day. Why can't I just get a grip?

A colleague gave me details of a therapist who works locally who she saw for around nine weeks. The therapist worked on helping her improve her self esteem. She says that it was life changing. It sounds like it might be something that might help me. My colleague says that it helped her to understand that it's ok to say no and have an opinion. In the work situation I am perfectly happy with this. But in relationships I lack confidence. Completely. So I might try and phone the therapist today and get a feel as to whether this would work for me.

Morning Poppy

It takes time to process what has happened to you - and what your Ex-DP has done to you and put you through. I know because I am going through it myself - and it really does get easier over time, slowly, but surely, day by day.

You are doing amazingly well, and, awful as they are, these low spells are totally normal and an integral part of your recovery process - because that is what you are doing, recovering from emotional and mental injury. I think of it a bit like a deep sea diver coming up too quickly and getting the bends. Your mind and body are effectively emotionally resurfacing after a long time in the depths, denied of a proper oxygen supply as it were. And because the discard phase practised by emotionally abusive men (and women) is so brutal, it is not like coming out of a normal relationship, where it hurts but both of you hurt and you can both see each other hurting, however right the break-up might be. Your abuser - and that's what he is, your Ex-DP - has appeared to swan off without a care in the world. At that really hurts. Again, I know, because I have SOOOO been there - ate all the T-shirts and thrown all the cakes...

You are doing so well just to be a) posting on here as honestly and regularly as you are b) being a good person c) working well d) being a good friend e) being a good mum. Please don't forget any of this. There are lots and lots of people who, sadly, aren't any, let alone, all of these things.

As I posted a few days ago, it was suggest to me that low self esteem is an issue for myself and it's one that I am trying to address. It may well be helpful for you to do so too.

Poppy, was his request said as "it's up to you"..feels generous but it isn't.He comes to your event for free??

He offering absolutely nothing and it's likely if you went he would be cold and you could feel worse for trusting him again.If you hope he will change he won't.He would still be mean about your son, blame you for all the issues and gets to have a free day out in your lovely company.

If he deserved you and valued you he would put effort into his request.if you feel self esteem is an issue in relationships start now by a boundary."No thank you Mr Unloving that's not an attractive option for me, my bar is set much higher"

Just because he isn't capable of being a loving partner is no reflection on you.

Do the counseling. I did and it helped immensely.

It's so unbelievable that we can be so strong and kick-ass at work, with friends, in almost all other aspects of our lives and yet when it comes to men and relationships we turn into compliant little girls instead of the strong women we are everywhere else. Part social conditioning, part other things. But once you 'dig in' to those other things you'll be amazed at how confident and ready for real and equal love you are.

It might be a hard slog to get through, but worth it in the end.

This is such a lovely supportive thread even though poppy is going through the wringer. Stay strong and take heart that you are doing the right thing.

Thanks to the advice here posted for you, I'm being helped so thanks to all for that

Hey Arkengarthdale

Courage - whatever your mountain, you can climb it.

Thinking of you Poppy

Keep going with plans to extract yourself from this relationship and once you are free you will start to see the light. Counselling sounds like a brilliant idea.

What is wrong with me? I feel like I am doubting myself. Last week I felt empowered. I recognised that the time ahead is going to be tough but it's the best route. Now, I have to be honest, my brain is fried.

I've lapsed back into - is it me? Could we work this out? Is there a relationship that could be salvaged? I know a few of you have struggled with this too. My ExP said that it will take him a few months to sort himself out and then he's planning on going on holiday and then, maybe after that, he will consider if there is a possible relationship between us.

The reality is he left me. He is controlling things. He's attempting to pulling the strings. He's not in any rush. Surely, if he really loved me and felt that things were salvageable then he'd prioritise this now wouldn't he?

I think I need those self esteem building sessions. I have got to worth more than this

Hi Poppy

Same for me - my Ex-DP was the one who forced the issue. At the time I did not want to leave him, although in my heart of hearts, I knew that there were too many things wrong with the relationship which he was refusing to address. So therefore it was not going to get any better, and so therefore something major had to change. So actually, by him forcing the issue by changing the locks and locking me out of what was supposed to be my own home he did me a favour.

In my case I think my Ex-DP was actually really shocked that I responded in the way that I did by ending the relationship. I think he was playing a game of brinkmanship - you behave better, you do what I say, and you'll still have a future with me, but if you don't, then you're out - that sort of thing.

And what happened with me was that although I still loved him, loved the good times we'd had, and wanted a good future with him - the reality was that I realised that he was not going to change and that I was totally fed up with him calling all the shots and disregarding how I felt about things.

Your Ex-DP will only continue to control things if you let him do so. My advice would be totally ignore him from now on. I didn't do that with my Ex-DP and it has taken me a few weeks to see just what a horrible man he could be, all too often, towards me. And it doesn't matter that he could be lovely. I dare say most human beings have the capacity to be 'lovely' at times. But it was my Ex-DP's default attitude towards me which was wrong - that he was right, I was wrong, my needs weren't important (or even acknowledged a lot of the time) and that his needs and wants had to come first, every time, otherwise there was trouble.

And you are right - you are worth more than this.

Ugly as it is, your Ex-DP is actually getting a kick out of the fact that you still respond to him and still yearn after him.

I'm seriously tempted to rent a toyboy for the afternoon and take a stroll, arm in arm, near my Ex-DPs place to rub his nose in it. I probably won't do this, but I do enjoy thinking about the possibility and how mad it would make him

Your roller coaster feelings are perfectly normal. But he's taking advantage of them to feed his own ego. He's despicable!

Please be kind to yourself. These feelings will come and go for awhile. It's best if you can to try and remain silent and keep them from him. But if not, just keep reminding yourself that he is NOT a good person!

Thanks for your supportive posts .

I phoned the therapist yesterday and have an initial appointment with her next week. This is in addition to the counselling. Hope this is not overload. The therapist talked about a programme of sessions designed to ultimately improve self esteem and self confidence. I will decide if I want to go ahead after the first session but my colleague did really rate it, calling it life changing.

I have done one positive thing at home. I have booked four nights away in August for me and my son, with his agreement of course.

And I've done something at work. I've started the process of ensuring that I am compensated in some way for the additional responsibility I took on a couple of months ago.

I have decided that I am doing some decorating this weekend. Tidying up a few things in readiness for putting the house on the market. And Sunday I have to leave in the evening so that I can start a meeting for work early on Monday morning. Oh no. That means that my son will be on his own in the house. He might invite a few friends over. I hope he does .

Well done Poppy, you have just experienced a sense of freedom & choice which didn't exist in your relationship.

I do believe it's brinkmanship with these selfish men, they would leave a relationship over trivial matters because it's about power over you.You could still had this relationship had you given in at every stage, it would have had high cost, possibly losing the close relationship with your son.

That sounds very positive. We'll be here over the weekend to see how you get on or keep you company if you get low. Well done!

It's wonderful you've chosen to go for the therapy. Provided you've got a therapist you can work with, it can be life-changing. Well done Poppy!

There are some amazing resources out there you might like. Books and videos and classes and retreats...once you start, you might find taking good care of yourself is a great habit.

I think parting with these more manipulative people is harder than a normal break up, too. They seem 'stickier' than other people somehow. What's apparently going on at the surface level is often not what (with hindsight) is really going on. And on some level I think we feel unsettled and upset, assume it's our fault, and try harder to please out of a lack of confidence - and then we are hooked. It's very complicated. But I have found great relief in giving my ex very straightforward, short answers. He can throw out his lures to play the old game - but if I don't pick up the bat, then the game doesn't start.

It took me ten years to learn that! Be gentle with yourself Poppy, there's room for you to have any and all of your emotions.

My ExP has just phoned me at work. He has been working on the drive and has done some painting at the house. My heart is racing and I am close to tears. When does this stop?

Why is he there doing work on the house? I thought he had left!
Did he tell you he was going round? Did you agree to it?

If not, I think you ought to insist that he gives you back the keys, gets all of his stuff out and stays away. He can't keep dipping in and out of your life when the mood takes him.