I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

hermonie I've read up a little more on the grief cycle, and bargaining in particular. One article I read suggested as an example you may brand your ex as a narcissist, as means to offset your own upset. This is something that bothers me. I keep on looking for reassurance that my STBExP has been abusive - and it's not just me making myself feel better. Like I said - despite everything it is him who is leaving me. It's him who'd rather live on his own than share living space with me and my son. It really makes me feel crap - like I can't deal with relationships.

I think most of us resist radical changes in our lives. My dd has just found out that my dgd's father is taking heavy drugs. Means serious changes have to be made, but life is so comfortable just floating along.

Poppy, I've read the thread through, and identify with so much of your situation. I want to briefly tell you my story to help you see what your future could be if you stay together.
I met my husband (can't call him dear) nearly 18 years ago now, I had been divorced 5 years and was a single mum to 3 boys, then aged 17, 13 and 11. I was 44 and thought that I'd never meet anyone else. I was flattered by his attention, and that someone fancied me. He was charming.
He had been married twice before (huge red flag that I failed to see waving in my face), and had 4 children, 2 from each marriage. He has no contact with the eldest 2, and has never seen his 4 grandchildren. He blames both of his ex wives for the break ups, not his fault at all!
He has no contact with those ex wives and finds it very odd that I have a reasonable working relationship with my ex regarding the boys.
He moved into my house after 5 years, he worked and contributed financially, and we took on a bigger mortgage and bought my ex out. I only had youngest son at home then, eldest was in a flat, middle was at uni. Youngest son is so laid back he is horizontal and was ok with anything as long as I was happy.
All was well at first, H was very very keen for us to marry (in retrospect much keener than me!) and we did so 11 years ago, after which there were what I can only call "tantrums" about boys mess, my son's behaviour.....he particularly took a dislike to my middle son when he came home from uni, constantly complaining about him and told me in an argument that he "hated him" with such venom. Recalling this is making me very tearful. Son I know, was aware of the atmosphere. H put pressure on me to tell son to move out, which, to my everlasting shame and regret I did. I was working full time and I was on eggshells all the time, barely slept if the boys were out, so I could nip down and check the kitchen after they'd gone to bed.
I'm retired now, he's still working part time. No kids at home. He's trying very very hard to maintain control over me but I'm off out doing my own thing a lot of the time, I've developed lots of interests and made lots of friends. I'm a stronger person now.
I'm 62 now and wish with all my heart I'd listened to my gut feeling and split with him all those years ago, I could have done, I just didn't feel I could, I had no family to support me and I didn't feel strong enough.

I'm just biding my time.....don't let this happen to you.

Hi Poppy

Hugs. It does feel so crap, I know, but have you considered that his action in so coldly walking away from what was supposed to be a loving partnership is in itself evidence of his abusive nature?

You are not an emotionally abusive person and, despite all the hurt he has caused you, you are hurting. He, however, appears, as you say, to have moved on already. He is one very cold fish indeed.

Hermonie is right. It is a time of huge transitions for you with your son leaving home for uni etc. And your STBExDP knows this, and is quietly banking on you galloping back to him precisely because of that. EA men like him will usually pick the very worst time in your life to create havoc in your relationship because they figure that their partner will not be able to stand the stress overload and so will go back to them, thus increasing the sense of dependency even further. It's a horribly manipulative thing to do.

It does hurt very much that someone you thought loved you once would choose to be alone than be with you - but that does not mean the breakdown in the relationship is your fault. It isn't at all. And who cares if he's in a town on his own where he knows no-one (actually, I struggle to believe that) because it's his doing. He'll end up an even more grotesque version. Of what he is now - a friendless, unlovable, selfish, rancour-filled failure of a human being.

Bluebellforest1 I am so sad for you that things have turned out this way for you, but go you :) that you are getting out and enjoying your friends etc. I don't want to be the voice of doom - and it sounds like you are handling things so well now - but we only get one life and we none of us know how long we have left, or how our health will hold out for that time. I guess it's all a balancing act really - if a relationship is, on balance, more good than bad, then we stay and try to work through the challenges as you are doing. But if it's more bad than good then...

And Poppy I have tried the 'let's live apart but still see each other' route, but my Ex-DP would not countenance it. Again, I've had to face the harsh truth that is our relationship had meant as much to him as it did to me then he'd perhaps be more prepared to give it a go. But it obviously didn't and so I am alone again. Except I'm not. I have the choice to see and speak to my children whenever and however I want to with no rages, sulking, silences or tantrums from him.

I can do so many of the things that he banned - yes banned!

And I can care for myself and value myself as a person in my own right. I have my integrity. And maybe in time I may meet someone who likes doing the same things to me and who may wish to share his life with me. If so, lovely. I'll take it steady and consider things. But never, ever again will I allow a man to talk to me and treat me as my Ex-DP did too often. I'm sorry to be so crude, but this is how I feel: absolutely fuck him

Hang on in there, deep breathes, get out with friends, sleep, eat and exercise and you'll begin to feel better really soon.

Gosh Bluebell that is sobering. Thank you for sharing that. I only hope that you find the strength and support you need.

My ExP had a string of broken relationships behind him. He was quite upfront about that when we met. He has no contact with anyone from his previous life, ex partners, their children, families, friends and, other than a couple of photos from his first marriage, no photos of his adult life. Like you say - warning bells!

My ExP , like your H has complained about my sons messiness and behaviour. He has been so nasty, that I have told him in the past that I could not live with someone that that has such a low opinion of my son. So I associate with your distress. Like you, I have been clearing up after my son so that my ExPs opinion of him didn't drop any lower.

I'm so glad that you are finding time for yourself now and thank you for your views. I hope that I have the strength to see this through. I do have great support from friends, counselling, family and here, of course.

And blessed and hermonie you give me so much strength - thanks

Do you really believe that this timing is deliberate and he will expect me to crumble and fall apart through stress? He's already mentioned that he's sorry that it has happened now as it is a difficult time in work for me, I have just taken on tons more responsibility, albeit on a temporary basis. I am not sure. I am still finding it hard to understand. I have to think about that Alexa episode. He was lying wasn't he?

And blessed my hope is that one day soon I can join you in wishing our ExPs 'our very best'

Hello Poppy

Timing undoubtedly deliberate. Your son's finished school so life changes there, plus you are mega busy at work. He is sorry hmmmmnnnnn...

It is so hard to understand - but as Hermonie describes, I think men like your Ex-DP and mine and Hermonie's are 'hard-wired' differently. To put it another way, trying to rationalise with an EA partner is like trying to have a cup of tea with rabid dog. Futile, dangerous, potentially fatal.

Redastherose I have been rereading the posts - I've found it really useful, and I came across your comment With abusive or manipulative people you have to watch their actions not pay attention to their words Do you know this is almost precisely what my ExP said to me. He said I needed to pay attention to what he did, not what he said. Just more aware. Thanks. I have a good friend who is not emotionally involved who is pointing out what he doing and saying and the contradictions.

Blessed I still can't quite believe that the timing is so deliberate. And you mentioned that you did not believe that he was completely on his own. I am not sure. He has been a real loner.

I do wonder if he will just set himself up in his new town, and, as he will ultimately be lonely, start this process all over again. He's talking of travelling and maybe moving abroad. Hmmmm up to him.

Today is another day. My son headed off on his holidays last night. He met with his friends and they set off at 2:30 this morning, ready for a red eye flight to Majorca. He seemed so happy. He's worked hard and has bought himself some new clothes and thinks he's the bees knees. Love him.

I am thinking of listening to the radio in bed for a while, cutting the lawn and then heading over to my step-fathers who has suggested we go for a walk. But there are no firm plans.

Sorry for my slow reply, I've been away for a couple of days.
Brian thank you, I am handling things pretty well now, but am keeping my ducks in a row and I know I could leave if I had to. I would be worse off financially but could manage.
Poppy thank you too, and I'm glad my post was sobering, it was meant to be! As I said, my H has no contact with his 2 children (and 4 grandchildren) from his first marriage, he does have contact with his 2 children (adult) from second marriage but it's limited and very much on his terms......i.e. "I'll meet you in the pub for a meal every 2- 3 months and I'll be out of the door 30 minutes later!" They come and see us for a weekend once a year, it's a duty visit.
He has 2 sisters, he has a weekly 30 second phone call from one, an occasional text from the other. I've not seen either of them for over 2
years, not through lack of me inviting them or suggesting we meet up in their home town.
He has one friend, a man he met at work aged 18, friend is single and never been in a relationship as far as we know. He's a nice guy but very set in his ways.
If my H and I separated, I believe he would cope, he's lived alone before and managed. He may well, however, be looking for his next victim online before the ink was dry on the divorce papers.
Look after yourself.

Thanks once again bluebell.I get the feeling that my ExP will be fishing for a.new partner very soon.

He told me today that he's moved on and had months to get used to the idea of the spilt. Again, wwierd that he was so effusive about his love for me the day before he left. I still don't get it and probably never will.

We did go for a walk today. My suggestion. I thought it might help clear the air and allow us to chat more easily. We discussed if there was a future for us. He says that he needs a couple of weeks to get straight in his new home, then he is planning a holiday and after that.....he's no idea. He said that he doesn't rule it out. However, I am not sure that this is right for me.

HOWEVER. I still heard that he did not get anything out of the relationship - I did not recognise his needs when he was upset about his belongings, and I am unreliable. He said that if I ever needed his support I should just let him know. I said I felt the same and he looked me ruefully and said that he just wished that he could believe me. The fact that I adored him and spent all my free time, weekends and holidays with him, and probably excluded my son, doesn't count.

NOT ONCE did he ask how I might want things to be different if we were together. He just gave me his view. It's is so one way. When I protested about being told how crap I am - again. He told me that I was being childish. That's controlling.

I am knackered. Truly upset and knoackered.

Counselling tomorrow. I think it will help. I reread my the recent posts. I am taking note and do not intend to rekindle this relationship. It would be awful. I think that he would continue to threaten to finish the relationship. I would be completely in intimidated. As you've all said, I would see even less of my son, probably loose some of the my friendships etc. I know that it would not be a good move. See. I am getting there. I am starting to get a backbone.

I still, perversley, love the man. I still remember the good times. The times he has flattered me, been affectionate, been supportive. And it really hurts that he has decided to move on. Especially as he is indicting me in the process.

I suppose he still has not fully left. He is moving his larger furniture on Wednesday. And then selling the house may take a while and he will have to be in touch to sign forms pick up the rest of his things etc.

I am considering booking a 'fuck it' holiday after my son starts uni. I will wait until he settles in and then go for it.

I can't sleep. Things keep going through my head. My ExP says that this isnt the relationship he wanted,. It's like he has an ideal picture of what a relationship should be and living with my son and I did not match this picture.

Despite know that things werenot right and he has been controlling, and EA I am feeling really crap. Really, really crap.

I am anxious about the stress and becoming down, I am really concerned. I can't allow this to happen. I need to be able to function. I don't want to be in the house on my own and a total mess. When my husband left, that's what happened for a while. I focussed on looking after my son, I kept going at work but it was hard. It felt like there was huge void in my life - and the reality is there was.

My ExP seems sorted. He's not emotional. He's in control, focussed on sorting out his new home. He's in his element, organising things, picking up furniture etc etc.

Maybe that fuck you holiday needs to be a retreat. Somewhere that can help me heal. Sort my head out,

Some one mentioned that maybe there were abandonment issues that I had not fully processed previously that are now coming out, I think that there maybe some truth in this. It would be good to let this all go.

Hi Poppy

You have my every sympathy. But you will be OK. Even though I knew that parting from my Ex-DP was the right thing to do, it still felt at the time very crap, and continues to do so at times even now, a few weeks down the line. So I make sure that I remind myself of the bad times, regularly.

One reason why you feel rotten at the moment is that, as you say, there is a void in your life without your Ex-DP filling it. But, as Hermonie and others have has said, time is the healer here - so just take one day at a time and concentrate on you.

When a non-EA relationship breaks down, if it was any good, we miss that person, but the chances are we will still have strong bonds and regular contact with other people in our lives (friends, family, colleagues) and will still do things that we want to do (hobbies, sports etc) because out non-EA former partner will not have taken over every waking minute of our lives, or trained us to make meeting their needs and wants the focus of our every waking moment.

And that's why when a relationship like the one you have had with your Ex-DP ends, the void can feel enormous and at times, overwhelming. Because he's effectively taken you over, and the bits that he hasn't taken over are all engaged in the 'fight or flight' responses we have to dealing with chronic, ongoing stress.

I personally found talking about the relationship, and its breakdown, with a few close friends, as often as I needed to, very, very helpful at the stage you are at. And company, as often as possible - going out every evening to visit someone, or them visiting me, was crucial in those early days of flying solo.

It will take you time to get to who you want to be - and you may well be right when you suggest you have deeper issues to address that maybe pre-date Ex-DPs arrival in your life, and which, perhaps, made you more susceptible to Ex-DP's unhealthy behaviours. I now know that I do and I am slowly trying to address them. None of it is easy, because if it was, we would have done it before now. Talk to your counsellor about these.

And just let Ex-DP go - try, if you can, to accept that you aren't what he wants - and more importantly than that he isn't what you want either. And he is not going to change.

Put it this way - if you went to a restaurant and ordered a freshly cooked burger, fries, and salad, but you were served with cold, mouldy sago pudding - would you accept it and eat it? I think not.

We can all think and wish, oh if only he'd do this, or say this, or lighten up about this or that. But the reality is that men like your Ex-DP and mine, don't. And we can't change them. No amount of love or giving will satisfy them. And it's not because we aren't good enough. It's because they are emotionally inadequate. Your Ex-DP might seem in his element and sorted right now. So what?

And finally, do try to exercise as much as possible. You may not feel like it at all, but believe you me, every step you walk in sunshine or rain, every yard you run, every length you swim, every ball you hit and every move you dance - it all just helps you to stay that little bit healthier and feel that little bit better.

You can do this. Courage.

Thanks so much Blessed. Your post has moved me to tears. You have been so supportive. And in my heart of hearts I know you're right. It's just getting through the hurt now

No worries Poppy It's a tough time for you right now but it does get easier.

Like you I maintained contact with my Ex-DP hoping we could resolve issues, move forward in a more mutually satisfactory way, but in fact the opposite has happened and his continued selfish behaviour has made me realise that I am so much better off without him.

Just remember that you're not responsible for how he behaves or feels. It's up to us all to choose how we react to everything life throws at us - good and bad. And if his choice is to stomp off and start again, then good riddance to bad rubbish.

blessed did your partner go to counselling? My ExP would not. He just refused.

I have a couple of really good friends who have been incredibly supportive. They have listened to me go on and on about my life, the breakdown, how I am feeling and, and, and.........I am so lucky that they are around.

One of them is very good at being totally dispassionate. She has pointed out that him 'not ruling out' if there is a future for us - (after he has had his holiday BTW!), is just to keeping me dangling.

Strength. Please give me strength.

I keep going through waves of total desperation. Feeling a complete failure and feeling terrified of being on my own.

Hi Poppy

No. My Ex-DP would not even discuss going to counselling. He just flatly refused. He even said that he didn't care what anybody else thought about how he went about things - everything wrong in our relationship was down to me not 'listening to him' and he wasn't going to change for anyone. A really constructive approach - not!!

It's great that you are talking to your friends so regularly and candidly. That's the thing to do. Let it out.

What you need to ask yourself is - What's worse? Going through this now, or losing control over the space you call home for your own contentment and that of your son, when he wants to come home? And pontentially losing all sense of who are you are and what you as a person in your own right are about.

It's very tough and I know just how you feel, as so many, many other women who are rooting for you on his thread. But, as bluebell has said, do you want to fast-forward 5-10 years and slowly but surely lose just about everything that's dear to you? And what would be to stop your Ex-DP from abandoning you then?

I'm so sorry to be so bleak. I would love to have heard that your Ex-DP had listened to you properly, been more open to what you need, kinder and more appreciative. But you obviously have tried very very hard.

Try to put him out of your mind and concentrate on yourself. It is always the darkest just before the dawn.

And to add my two penn'orth, my husband would never agree to counselling, he sees it as a waste of time, "do gooders trying to fuck with your head". Because, of course, he might be challenged, and that would never do, would it? He wouldn't be in control, he might be proved wrong.
Talk to friends, let it out, it helps to talk to people who love you, it helps you to rationalise what's happening, get it clear in your head. You are a strong woman, you will survive and thrive.

Take care x (sorry, un- mumsnetty x)

Thanks blessed and bluebell you are amazingly supportive. Thanks.

Avoiding counselling does seem to be a pattern. I think my ExP fears being uncovered too.

I've had quite an uplifting session at counselling tonight And, for now, I feel a lot better. I know that this won't necessarily last but if it helps me sleep tonight it'll be a good thing.

At one point towards the end of the session the counsellor asked me to write down what I would look for in an ideal partner. There were quite a lot of things that I could put a tick against for my ExP but there were also significant gaps. My homework is to work on this list.

I am sure you've heard this before, but she also told me that it will take sometime to heal and get over this. And I know that she can help me identify early signs so that I don't slip into another similar relationship in the future.

I am in the house on my own. My ExP has gone to his new home tonight. I'm sat in bed, telly on. Cup of tea to hand and I feel peaceful.

He sounds horrible. I just left a man just like that a couple days ago. Luckily we didn't live together. I have a lot of self confidence to build back up after he had his way with me for 16 months. Save yourself now while you have some sanity. We're here for you.

I am glad that you are feeling peaceful, op. I know that this peaceful feeling won't necessarily last at this stage but it will gradually grow stronger and stronger.

You are doing so well. KOKO.

I've just read this thread from beginning to end and I want to thank you all for your honesty and courage in supporting each other and sharing these experiences.

I've had ah-ha moment after ah-ha moment reading it. I recognise a lot of the traits you talk about as parts of my ex-husband. He seemed kind and loving - but in reality he was only interested in things being done his way and in him being right. I know this sounds mad, but by the end of ten years of marriage I had never once had a single valid point in an argument (according to him). He told me I was too emotional, too fussy, and always always let me know how superior he was intellectually. I was totally bought into that, too (it makes me wonder how I got to have such low self esteem - but the answer to that is, of course, he's horribly like my abusive Dad was). He was cold and disinterested in me. And I just kept trying harder and harder - the whole burden of 'making things work' was mine in our marriage.

I am in awe of you all for still being so nice! I was not able to be so nice and our horrible marriage was often violent and abusive - and sometimes we flipped roles and I was the perpetrator. I was so ashamed of that. Alcohol was a factor for us.

I left him in the end. I knew we were done for whilst pregnant. I was about seven months pregnant and had just found out my mother's cancer (which had been an issue for a few years) was much more serious than we thought, and she had a few weeks to live. I wanted to go home to see Mum early on the Saturday. On the Friday night he took my car to a nearby city to visit his friends for his regular poker night. Well, of course he got drunk and slept through alarms and arrived home about midday stinking of booze. That was a particular low point in terms of his caring and interest in me.

At the end I was actually fantasising about murdering him, and it had to get that bad before I took action.

It took us 5 years to get divorced, because he refused to consent to it, and those five years were hellish. None of you will be surprised to hear he turned on me and was so utterly utterly sure it was all my fault that I questioned my own sanity time and time again. I also longed for him. I have since learnt that is classic trauma behaviour. I didn't know about Mumsnet at the time but I wish I had, it would have opened my eyes quicker to things that took me years to work out! I'm still working out things today!

I am very, very fortunate that my closest friend is a mental health nurse and she gave me unstinting support and kindness when I couldn't do that for myself. I also had some pretty chunky amounts of therapy. It really helped me to release the shame of my own collusion in his bullshit. I had to look a lot at my childhood influences and also for me, I had to get sober, too (nearly eight years sober now!). I took parenting courses so I could try not to pass this on to my daughter and learn how to set boundaries (I wouldn't have known a boundary if I'd fallen over it before).

I found out too, that the damage in him matched the damage in me, and that's what made it so exciting and charged in the early months.

I still have to deal with him because of our DD but I just don't play when he sends out his lures. He still harbours grudges (about money, mostly - apparently I 'screwed him' in our divorce) and every so often I get a three-page email about what a bitch I am. I have 'stock responses' now so I don't get hooked in; it's a shame you feel like that, I don't see it that way, if you feel so strongly about money let's go for mediation, etc., etc. He never responds - I wonder if at some level he knows he's an unreasonable arse?

I'll end with this. I behaved very badly, much worse than any of you lovely people, but I take full responsibility for that today and I have faced it and made changes. I picked this man, and I've explored why I did that, and put it to rest. I have pretty good self esteem these days and try always to show my daughter how a woman who holds herself in high regard behaves. Even when she's the one dissing me! . And I'm married now to a kind and loving man...we compromise and are kind and are very, very happy, although life has a normal share of struggles. It's really good. Took me 45 years to be able to say that, but I'm really happy. And if I can do it, so can you. to you all. Thank you. You've helped me make more sense of the past.

withouttea I am so pleased that you've found this useful. It's has been really therapeutic for me. You have really been through the mill. My circumstances seem so minor and small in comparison. Although my ExP has been unkind and hurtful and he has definitely damaged my self esteem with his lack of intimacy, his actions have not been as extreme as some you have experienced. Maybe that's because we were only together for four and a half years.

Tonight I managed to stay out of the house until now. I've come in and have gone straight to bed. My ExP moves some of his furniture out tomorrow. I am going to work and will go out again straight after work. I am not sure how much he is taking. There's loads of his clothes around the house and the garage is full of his stuff. He's talking about painting the front door and sorting out the drive !?! I want the house to be my home. Not somewhere that he keeps coming back to.

I am feeling brave at the moment but know that tomorrow is going to be difficult. I still love the daft old bugger and care for him, despite everything. I think I need some distance to help me sort things out in my mind.

At least the session with the counsellor last night reassured me that I was not just making up the situation and everything is not my fault. We talked about the mattress incident (not again!!!) She told me that in her opinion tha was a disagreement about parenting, which is a natural thing to disagree about in a blended family. But these disagreements are not in her opinion reason enough to break up a relationship with someone you love. So, does my ExP not really love me, or did not necessarily plan on leaving? Did he threaten to go and I have called his bluff?

We also talked about what sounded to her like my ExP handing out punishments. I.e. If I didn't behave like he wanted me to or if I did something wrong then I could 'forget about running' or more damaging, not expect any sexual interest from him.

Still worried about tomorrow. Still know it's going to be hard.

Hello withouttea

Amazing to read your post - and so incredibly moving. What you have said has moved me to tears. And so brilliant to hear you have found happiness both within and with your new partner. And how you have approached parenting your DD is inspirational.

I know now that the roots of my allowing my Ex-DP to behave towards me as he has done for such a long time has its roots very deep in my scarred childhood - one where manipulation and furious, guilt-laden control by my (very damaged herself) mother totally dominated mine and my father's lives.

I'm having counselling to help me to open this box up properly for the first time ever. It's scary, but also, already it is intensely liberating. And like you, until recently, I would not have know what an emotional boundary was if one had jumped up and bitten me on the bum.

And what you have said here: I found out too, that the damage in him matched the damage in me, and that's what made it so exciting and charged in the early months Yes, I absolutely, absolutely get that. The same for me. I think on one level I hoped that me and my Ex-DP would 'fix' each other - but the risk was also that we would make each other worse, and even beyond that in terms of sheer awfulness, that there was some perversely comforting pleasure in the potential for us to make each other worse. Because, as people both damaged by our childhoods, it was a world we knew and were at home in, even if it was destroying us. And maybe the both of us, on some level, didn't feel we were worth anything better. Well, me, at that time anyway. I can't speak for my Ex-DP.

So a profound thank you to you withouttea.