I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

I think he has made this up to discredit my son. And if he has lied about this, what else had he lied about?

Well, precisely. You know he is a liar because he is lying you your own experience and now you have proof that he is lying about your son and the behaviour whilst you were away.

You will be upset because actually, the lies mean you have uncovered the truth which is that he is not the man you thought. But don't be upset about getting this person out of your life because as you said in your very first post on here, you know that the nastiness could escalate and who knows what could have happened to you.

At the moment you are in the mix, at some point it will hit you just what you have managed to get out of.

I just wanted to come back and say I'm so sorry, poppy. Your hurt is palpable. But I also feel that you're doing ABSOLUTELY the right thing. He is vile.

Stay strong.

Morning

It really is OK to mourn Poppy. The end of any relationship of any depth, however good/bad, is another milestone in your life. Have a good cry, have a hot, sweet cup of tea. Eat whatever you fancy - just try to keep your blood sugar levels up. Post on here. Talk to friends / family. Walk as much as you can. And then have another cry again and repeat the process, as many time as you need too. It'll get easier, believe you me, it just takes time and that's something we none of us can hurry up.

My intuition is that your STBEx-DP is lying about what was recorded on Alexa, and you know what? Even if those things were said, even if some of your son's friends were getting intimate while you and your STBEx-DP were away, they're not the first teenagers to do so, and they definitely won't be the last.

Your STBEx-DP is just trying AGAIN to make you feel bad about your son, to doubt your son, to feel bad about yourself and to doubt yourself.

Ignore him It is such a petty, trivial thing. And if your STBEx-DP was half the man you hoped he was, he would quietly take your son to one side, have a constructive and supportive man-to-man chat with him about such matters, and deal with it that way. But he is either unwilling, or incapable of doing that. So he's no good to you or your son as a quasi-step dad, or even Mum's lovely boyfriend. Because he just isn't lovely. He's horrible.

And, you know what? Thank you so much Poppy for all the kind things you've said about me posting on here which are helping you. And also thank you to LizTaylorsFabulousTurban and Arkengarthdale . And Hermonie2016 so much of what you have written has struck such a chord with me .

Sharing what I've gone through is also massively helping me because I am externalising and recording some of what has gone on with my Ex-DP. And that's so good, because in my more teary moments, which still happen reasonably regularly, it would be so easy to only remember the good bits, and to slip back into self-doubt mode - was it my fault? What if I'd done this? Said this? Etc etc etc.

If I can give you any advice right now is block out his emotional rubbish and let him get on with moving out today. Focus on any practicalities - and resist the urge to help him. Get on with your own to do list today. And make plans to have a friend over this evening - start doing the things that his selfishness has prevented you from doing right away. Believe you me - IT FEELS SO GOOD!

You can do this We're all right behind you.

It's a busy-ish day at work, so I've been kept quite busy.

My head is still swimming. My STBExP has often been lovely when I come home from work - asking me about my day, making me a cuppa, telling me about what he's been up to. I feel so empty. That's the 'good times' flooding back in. And I feel like I've fucked it all up.

Poppysquad: just caught up with the thread. I am nearly 5 months leaving my EA ex. I still have moments where I want to run back to him, feel despair at the mess my life seems to have become (I just want normality again). BUT I know it was the right decision still. We have 2 kids together so I cannot cut him out my life completely. Recently he has been quite nice, makes it harder, its easier when he is being a shit.

We were together since I was 17, I am nearly 39 now. Its difficult to detach our lives together. But it can be done. You are worthy of so much, you can have a life without walking on eggshells. Its not easy, but you got this! The push and pull is all part of the behavior.

Poppy it's times like that, when he is nice, that you have to remember how he makes you feel when he isn't nice. Be strong, you are strong.

Jaysus, he's a manipulative cunt, isn't he?

Please, please realize that he's only turning 'nice' to manipulate you. He doesn't want to see a calm 'parting of the ways. It serves his ego and needs very well to be nice and sweet so that he can see you ache and hurt for him after he leaves. He wants to see you in pieces! That's what he wants to see! Believe me, I had one of those!!! When he dumped me he then turned so sweet before he moved out. All 'regret' and 'so sorry' and 'good times' and 'if only you...'. It worked until he said 'Now I don't want you to kill yourself because I'm leaving'. I realized that that was exactly what he wanted me to do. A suicide attempt would be the ultimate ego food for him. Snapped ME right out of my heartbreak, I can assure you!!

Please stop talking to him. No trips down memory lane, no cups of tea, no sweet words. He's enjoying twisting the knife.

The thing to remember too Poppy is that, yes, he can be nice - when it suits him to be nice.

So why can't he be nicer when you need him to be nice for you? Like when you are facing waking up from a biopsy alone? Like when you are confused and hurting about a relationship, and not sure about going for a walk, so he stomps off on his own? Like when your son needs him to be properly in his life - watching him play rugby, welcoming his friends over, taking him places, making him food, sharing words about their respective days? Like when you want to spend an hour or two with a valued friend without worrying about having to rush back to cook his tea on the dot every night? Like appreciating that you may well be tired after a day's work doing a demanding job and you'd really just like to flop out in front of the TV, maybe with a meal cooked for you by him for a change?

The tragedy - and it is a tragedy in my opinion - is that, in many ways, these are such little, everyday things, that so many women (and men) who have not had the misfortune to find themselves in the maelstrom of an emotionally abusive relationship, take absolutely for granted.

But then they are not little things, because they are about being listened to, being heard and being respected to make your own choices, even if they are different from what your partner would like you to do.

Fundamentally Poppy are you happy to settle for anyone being with you? Or do you want someone who really does care for you? Because if it is the latter, I suggest that your STBEx-DP is not the man for you. At 63 this curmudgeon of a man should be counting his lucky stars that he's got a lovely lady like you in his life - and your son - not storming around, trying to call the shots, like a demented two-year-old!

Courage Poppy You need proper time away from this man to regain your composure and heal from the emotional injuries he has inflicted upon you. Then you will be thinking straighter and will be able to make clearer choices about your future - with, or without, him.

And, like Pudding21 says, I still have moments where I want to run back to him, feel despair at the mess my life seems to have become (I just want normality again).

I, too, feel like this, at least once a day. I mourn the loss of the good bits of my Ex-DP very much indeed. I have no idea why he would want to throw them away.

But, I too feel this too BUT I know it was the right decision still.

Because I know that if I do go running back to him, as things were, then I risk very quickly being subsumed by his sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, manipulation, gaslighting, accusations, selfishness, dismissals of my needs and wants, etc etc etc.

It would be so much easier if men like this were shit all of the time. But they are not. It's all about how shit they are, how often, the impact on you and those you love, how resolveable such shit is to your mutual (not his only) satisfaction and benefit, and, how much shit it will take to drown you. Because that is what we are talking about.

Blessed gosh, you have really been following my story.

You're right and have really hit the mark. NO I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. And I don't know how much my STBExP does care. I think he does, in his way. And I keep on reminding myself about what the counsellor made me reflect on, my future 5 years from now if we stay together. Not seeing a lot of my son, because he's not made to feel welcome, not seeing my friends or family, unless my STBExP is with me. It sounds scary and I have seen this happening to a friends mother who only just manages to see her daughter every now and then in a grabbed hour in her lunchtime.

My STBExP is so dismissive of my son and things are not going to get better.

He did used to come with me to watch him play rugby and he planned a weekend away for he and I around a tournament that my son was playing in. Back to the lovely man. But that was maybe three years ago now. Things have gone rapidly downhill since we moved in together. It was a time when he didn't feel that he needed to keep telling me that he was leaving me.

I could have begged him to stay at some points today. I feel so sad and sorry for myself and frightened about the future. I know that things are going to get better. I went through a messy divorce after a 23 year marriage and I came through that.

across it's strange but I get the feeling that my STBExP is looking for me to show a lot more emotion, as you've suggested. After all he did say that I was overly emotional. I've tried really hard in the last day or so not to let him know how upset I've been.

I don't know what to say to other people in th village. I'm due to meet up with one of our neighbours tonight. If they ask why my STBExP has gone I was thinking of saying that he found family life difficult. Is that reasonable?

Poppy, good morning! You're under no obligation to explain yourself. You do not need to tell them more than they know already

Have a good day

Morning Poppy

It's interesting that your STBExDP only started to threaten to leave after you started to live together. Mine was the same, and I have been told that it is often are such people feel that their other half is somehow beholden to them that they will let their other, nastier side, have free rein.

May I ask - and please don't feel you have to answer if you don't want to - but were you undergoing any sort of big life change / difficulties when you first met him?

People won't ask why he's left and if they do, smile and say it's a private matter. None of their business.

hi blessed I had heard that too. The EA starts when the partner becomes beholden - moving in together, having a child together, because then there's more to loose, more reasons for us to comply.

I had been divorced about two and a half years when we met. Not an easy divorce. My ExH left suddenly - just packed the car and went one day. (I did wonder if the dramatic way my STBExP initially left me was meant to mirror this). I was in shock. My ExH blamed me and my behaviour and it was only after about 6 months that I discovered that there was someone else. He had been having an affair for quite a while. Once I knew and understood this it hurt but I felt more reconciled. There was less soul searching. The relationship had still gone wrong but it wasn't all my fault. So to some extent I was still coming to terms with this, processing it when my STBExP and I were first together. Although I believed that I was ready for a new relationship, maybe this wasn't really the case.

And, just after I met my STBExP, my mums cancer returned. I did not appreciate at the time just how bad this was going to be - she had been living with cancer for over 25 years. She died just over two years ago. 6 months later my STBExH and I moved in together.

So to answer your question - I was probably pretty vulnerable. My partner had been immensely supportive throughout Mums illness and death. But even on the day we moved in to our house together the anger showed. He was very stressed by the move and he absolutely bollocked me because I chose to unpack some of our books instead of concentrating on some of the more major items like the bedroom furniture. I thought that the relationship was over as soon as we had moved in. I can understand his possible frustration but again, he was really nasty.

Hi Poppy

So sorry to hear about your divorce and Mum's awful time with cancer . It sounds like you were a huge support to her, and, clearly your Ex-H was dreadful to you, not having the balls to tell you the truth about his other woman. And you have come through all of this - with flying colours.You should take a moment to reflect on all your have achieved - brought up your lovely son, pretty much single-handed. Dealt with the major life blows of divorce (even if it was right, and from a not-worth-the-candle Ex-H), and your mother's protracted illness and death. You are a wonderful woman and have oodles of strength.

And what a thing to do to you - to shout at you about unpacking books!!! What a thoughtless, self-centred man your STBEx-H has shown himself to be, time and time again. Has he finally moved out to his dream cottage yet?

He is going to stay in his cottage tonight. Just camp out there so that he can spend the night out in the town and get to know it a bit. Then he says he doesn't know what his plans are for the weekend. He moves his bed, grrrrrrrr, next Wednesday when his friend can help him move some of his heavier furniture in a van.

I'm feeling a bit panicky about next week. My son goes on holiday Sunday so when he's gone I will be on my own in the house. Im in work and I am desperately trying to fill my evenings so I don't just sit around and mope.

My son is never home at the moment. I've seen him for about 10 minutes around 8 yesterday morning before I went to work. He's working all the time and last night went straight from work to his friends house and stayed over there. I am sure that this is what he would be doing regardless of what's happening at home. I just wish, for my sake, he'd be around a little before he goes away. I don't know what his plans are. I am not expecting empathy from a 19 year old lad. I just miss having him at home.

My STBExP seems so at ease. He sat around last night watching tv and reading his book. It's like he's moved on already. I suppose, he probably has and, given his history, as he's been through this a number of times, he knows what to expect. He has said that he's cried a lot.

At some point, maybe when he's on his camp bed in his cottage tonight, he might think about what he's left behind. Life for him became intolerable. Being at home with me was unbearable. He'd rather live in his own in a town where he doesn't know a soul, rather than live with me. That's the truth and it hurts. I can't help but feel I've caused this.

Poppy - sounds like at the moment you have a choice of being unhappy with him or unhappy alone.
If I were you, I would always choose the latter because you have options - you will be able to rebuild the happiness in your own life, and that won't happen if you stay with him. You will just stay unhappy.

Poppy, I think you are going through a major transition especially with your son.
I remember that phase, the empty nest stage add in the relationship ending so it's completely natural you will be extremely sad.
You will be ok but it will take a while, a new life will appear but at first you have to have the vacuum.Its a painful stage but transitions tend to be like this as the future is uncertain.I believe life rewards bravery so it will come good.

I now have stacks of books on abusive relationships and a theme is that outsiders can't understand unless there have gone through it.I feel I will be wiser and more empathic as a result.

I read that mr nasty usually appears, when THEY feel secure so the circumstances can vary but generally when they feel they have the upper hand.It was a switch in my case and of course he wasn't nasty all the time, just when I was going against him..all perfectly normal stuff but I feel it escalates as once they "win" they feel empowered and the battles are more frequent.Towards the end I could not disagree with him on anything,no matter how trivial.
He would say I can't say no to him as it hurts his feelings..I believe he truly felt hurt but he couldn't see how irrational or unhealthy that was.Outwardly he's charming, successful and gentle man but he has a very unhealthy approach to relationships which he refuses to acknowledge..despite counselling.

I still feel sad, like pudding and blessed..I wish for a magic wand but it isn't going to happen so I need to value myself and move on.
Trust that you will be happier once the transition phase is over.

Thanks for your understanding. I am feeling wretched.

I can't help thinking. Could my relationship with my STBExP be on a different basis? Could we do things together - walking, holidays, without living together? Would this just drift back to being as it is now? I now that longer term I would love to be in a full loving relationship and maybe if I even think that this might be an option I would preclude myself from these opportunities in the future.

If someone could show you that in 5 years time you would have a loving relationship would you really hang on to this unhealthy relationship?

I suspect most of stay in the bargaining stage of the grief cycle..I know I have.What if I do xyz??
Also consider this loss may have opened up previous feelings of loss, that you may have not fully worked through.Its very painful and overwhelming at times.

I struggled to function initially so you are doing well but you will feel wretched..I think some relationships cause much more hurt at the end than others and this seems to be the case for you..its not your fault and you don't deserve this.