I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

I've just ordered the Lundy Bancroft book. It should arrive at work tomorrow

Turn towards yourself now. He is shit and not worth your thoughts.

I'm sure the counselor will be a great help, but remember that it will not be an overnight thing. There will be hills and valleys.

I say it's cruel and manipulative for him to drag his moving out. Very cruel and aimed specifically to cause you pain. If there is a way to force him to get every stick of his out now, do it. If not, if there is a way to get all his crap in one room or a garage so you don't have to see it, do it. If there is a way to change the locks after he leaves, do it. Above all, you do NOT want him treating YOUR home as if it was still his too. He is not entitled to walk in and out as he chooses to get his things when he feels like it.

Could you take up some form of exercise? Exercise is very useful in situations like this. Maybe you like dancing or hill-walking?

Bless you Poppysquad

I so know how you feel. I am a few weeks down the line from where you are at, and believe you me, I am just so sad still - sometimes.

But I am also feeling so much better about things too because I have regained control over my own life - and that's how it should be.

I left my Ex-DP offering the hand of friendship and support, because I think he is mentally ill and needs professional help. Needless to say he's made every attempt he can to bite that hand off, chew it up and spit the mangled remains back in my face! But he has not succeeded because I have been working on redrawing my emotional boundaries - and deep down I think he knows I am right. But again - it is not an easy path to tread and I do think that going Non-Contact is probably a whole lot easier and more sensible than how I am trying to do it. But that's just me!

And perhaps the most important thing to say at this point is that I no longer feel at all responsible for how he feels or how he behaves. I care, but I don't blame myself, or fundamentally doubt myself. Yes, of course, there are things I could have said and done differently in the relationship - who in any relationship doesn't think that from time to time? But moving out of the home we shared, having more time on my own as well as with friends and family, is helping me to regain that sense of what is 'normal' and acceptable behaviour, and what is not 'normal' and definitely not acceptable behaviour.

An example of this: this morning I wake up to a horribly abusive, lengthy, bile-filled email from Ex-DP to me, sent in the middle of the night, accusing me of getting everything wrong, being weak, failing him etc etc. And then, just four/five hours later he sends me a lovely text message. And do you know which one made me shed a tear or two? Yes. You're right - the lovely text message. Because I think to myself if he can be like that sometimes, why can't he be like that all the time?

So my solution to this? Not to reply to either and to go for a good walk at lunchtime with my dog, have a quick cry in the woods, and then get right back into the work, parenting, being me saddle again.

And that's life with a connection to someone with some sort of fundamental mental / emotional differences to me. I hesitate to say that's life with a narcissist, because I am not a medic and therefore not in a position to diagnose, but my Ex-DP has very many of those traits, that's for sure.

You will feel a lot better soon Poppy really. You just need some proper time and space away from this man and his threats. Don't worry about being on your own. Book a short holiday yourself if you can. And if you can't do that, then make sure you see a friend every night of the week. Hobbies, distractions are wonderful things!

And I think I may have said this already, but please do take a little time to read up on trauma bonding, because essentially that is what your partner is doing to you - and it's grim. Here's one woman's take on the situation which has enlightened me a bit blog.melanietoniaevans.com/trauma-bonding-is-it-love-or-something-else/

And, thanks Arkengarthdale - it's so lovely to think that from all the utter crap I have been through at least maybe by sharing my experiences I can help others in similar situations feel slightly less crap themselves. There's a lot of real wisdom on this thread from several posters, which is helping me loads also .

blessed your posts keep me going. I really don't think that my partner has been as cruel as your ExP was. Locking you out of the house is shocking. I did take a look at the link you sent through - thanks. I'm off to see the counsellor - I think I need this session today.

Hi Poppy

No worries . Hope counselling session goes well.

Yes, my Ex-DP has been an utter shit to me at times ... (sadly there's no emoticon or smiley for 'fuck him'

blessed I believe the nasty email/nice text weirdness is because he is desperate to provoke a reaction in you. Any reaction, good or bad, he doesn't mind. Just like a toddler.
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. And sit back and smile, knowing it's sending him apoplectic with rage
Try on Youtube.

How did counselling go tonight?

I hope it was a good start to healing yourself.

I'm super analytical too and I found it a help in moving forwards after stbxh. Not when I got stuck and wondered and wandered around in circles, but when I finally learnt something it helped me put it to bed and move on. Getting really pinpoint accurate insights into why he did this / did that, and most importantly, why he didn't move on and change and learn. Well, that really helped me move beyond the endless reliving it.

In the end it my answer wasn't 'because he could'. My answer could be summarized as 'because he wouldn't'. He was a very damaged and pitiful individual, who grew up in about the worst type of environment you could imagine and he had every reason in the world for the way he was. But, he also had endless chances and people giving him the opportunity to move beyond that. For so so long, and in every way possible, so many opportunities and so much help... which he systematically took and squandered and spoilt. Because he didn't want to change. He didn't want to live a happier, kinder and more fulfilled life. He refused to help himself. And he would take take take everything anybody offered him and still wanted more.

It's terribly sad, but he made that choice and he wouldn't change. And he dragged me down and dragged DS down and thank god I woke up to the awfulness before he damaged DS completely.

I found it baffling because whatever his words said, his actions were all about making life as horrible as possible.

But it helped when I stopped trying to understand how he was broken (& how I could fix him / fix life for him), and I understood that he wanted to be like this and wouldn't do anything good or kind or constructive.

Thank goodness I left him!

And he's still doing the same old stuff, to other people... people who are trying to help him and give him that chance he 'needs' to get back on his feet, which he will take and throw back in their faces.

But it's not my face this time, and that's the only thing I could change.

Sorry waffling! I'm trying to explain that thinking about stuff isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as it's leading to closure, not keeping you frozen in stasis.

Counselling was useful, as ever. I am shattered. I feel like it really takes it out of me.

I have been encouraged to look at the big picture, not focus so much on individual instances. Think about what my future could be like if my partner and I stayed together. The counsellor believes that I would end up trying to squeeze in time to meet my son, not letting my partner know, the way I've done with seeing my friends occiasionally in the last year or so, sneaking in an hour on the way home from work. In the end it's all about giving me courage and helping me to understand that I don't want to be in this relationship.

And then I came home. My partner told me that he is taking some of the his things over to his new house on Wednesday and will move his bed with the famous * mattress next Wednesday when a friend of his is free to give him a hand.

I should be glad but instead I have cried and cried. I felt so sorry for myself. Stupid woman.

And wellthis. You're not waffling. Thanks. I've just read and re read your post.

you can do this - he sounds fucking awful at times!

Maybe get some sleep if you can...

You're not a stupid woman. You're grieving for what might have been, had your partner been a better, more reasonable man.

Don't worry. You can do this and your life will be better for it.

More and more tears this morning and. lovely encouraging text from my sister that set me off again. Love her.

I'm working from home and will take half a days holiday as I have two estate agents calling round today. Maybe getting things underway will help.

It's Ok to grieve Poppysquad. You hoped for a committed relationship with someone who loved you and who would treat you right.

Instead you have a selfish, emotionally cold man, who complains about your son, your friends, the way you are towards him, and the amount of time you spend together, who has regular fits of rage and who threatens to leave you if he can't get his own way. The dream has turned into a bit of a nightmare.

As you know, I've been there, done that - worn the cake ad eaten the T-shirt. And I still cry plenty from time to time. And feel like shit from time to time.

But that's where counselling helps. The support of good friends helps. And time alone to get back your mojo will help. As soon as he has gone from the house you are in at the moment you will breathe a sigh of relief, believe you me.

Atenco is right - regular exercise does help, even if its just a good brisk walk every lunchtime.

And thank you keeponrunning for the YouTube link

I must say, I do find it hilarious that after all the fuss he made about that blasted bed/mattress, he's taking it with him. It can't be in that bad a state, after all.

I just worry about the next poor unfortunate woman he descends upon to make her life a misery. I don't suppose you could arrange for someone to write 'All women - beware. I am a controlling loser' on his forehead in indelible ink while he's asleep, could you? I am joking here, of course

Tears release stress hormones from the body. This man had been stressing you, putting you under pressure, for a long time. It is gradually coming out. Think of it as being like a toxin being drawn out. Soon it will be gone and you'll feel better.

to Poppy - you can do this! Also to Blessed who is giving some sterling support on this thread.

Thanks again - you are all keeping me going. This is not easy.

I had to work from home today so that I could see the estate agents. And my partner was at home too. I didn't have a lot of opportunity to just nod and say I understand - and employ some of the techniques in the YouTube clip. I did try and I got quite an angry response. Along the lines - well if you don't want to listen....
I had told him, when we had argued ages back, that he was not prepared to compromise, ie lower his 'standards' to accommodate my son and I. What he wanted to tell me about was how everything has been a compromise - where we live, the house, the price of the house. he has compromised all the time and maybe he shouldn't have compromised and then he wouldn't have been so miserable. There's no point in arguing with him but, for your ears only - BOLLOCKS. We would not have moved into this house if we had not both wanted to. We both loved it and have enjoyed being here. This again is designed to make me feel shit - he is implying that I insisted on us doing something, and he went along. NO.

He said - maybe this relationship was not going to work ages ago and he should have put an end to it. OUCH. I didn't think that was the case when, for example, he rolled over in bed the day before he left me saying 'Have I told you how much I love you today?' And then the next day drove off into the night.

This is starting to turn into anger. I am still desperately upset and can't quite believe that this is me that this is happening to.

I have to step away from the 'he said' 'he did' and look at the bigger picture

Yey Poppy! You are doing brilliantly .

The video that keeponrunning shared is soo useful. I wish I had known about it years ago.

By not reacting to his provocation you are taking back control of the situation - and it is making him wild. GO, YOU POPPY!!!!

Just try to stay calm, wherever possible (not easy, I know) and focus on the bigger picture. You want a calm life and the ability to make your own choices without being nagged or condemned or threatened. He's shown next to no sign of being able to contribute meaningfully to your needs, so... look out for Number 1. Put yourself first. And your son.

Let him rage and grump. Ignore him. And ignore him extra-extra-extra-especially if he starts 'being nice' to you again...

One of my Ex-DP's more breath-taking emotional about-turns came around Valentine's Day. He gave me a beautiful card which read 'To my wife' (we are not married) with all the implications that brought with it (long term, love, commitment etc etc). We went away for a day or two on our own and he took me to an antique jewellery shop and said choose whatever you want. Less than a week later he was literally screaming abuse at me and telling me to 'fuck off for good' as we sat together on a train after said lovely couple of days away together because one of my adult kids dared to phone me - thus 'invading his privacy'???!!! - to tell me their exciting news that they were planning a holiday with friends!!!! I tell you...

And all this weirdness, re-writing history, . . . .

^What he wanted to tell me about was how everything has been a compromise - where we live, the house, the price of the house. he has compromised all the time and maybe he shouldn't have compromised and then he wouldn't have been so miserable. There's no point in arguing with him but, for your ears only - BOLLOCKS. We would not have moved into this house if we had not both wanted to. We both loved it and have enjoyed being here. This again is designed to make me feel shit - he is implying that I insisted on us doing something, and he went along. NO.

He said - maybe this relationship was not going to work ages ago and he should have put an end to it. OUCH. I didn't think that was the case when, for example, he rolled over in bed the day before he left me saying 'Have I told you how much I love you today?' And then the next day drove off into the night.^

. . . . . is called gaslighting. The film after which the technique is named, Gaslight, is available on Youtube too.

Well done to you. You've been a long way throughout these last 24 hrs.

Im glad my post was helpful, I could feel myself going in circles! Xxx

You're doing the right things, really you are doing so well ... you've been on that overwhelming monumental catharsis that is the start of counselling, you're shifting your perceptions away from the scrabbling around in the dirt your soon to be ex partner is stuck mothering about.

And you're moving forwards, grieving the end of something you had hoped would be wonderful, and grieving the visions of the future you had with this partner, grieving the passing of the good things that were amongst the bad. That's healthy and a sign you're moving forwards.

And then the other biggie is you are changing the way you are reacting to him. No wonder he showed a flash of anger, you're mucking up the dynamics he's been getting some kind of unpleasant satisfaction from. You're not accepting his rewriting of reality, and you're showing you won't be his whipping boy any longer.

And what he's saying doesn't even achieve basics of making sense... what nonsense of all these 'compromises' he's apparently made, idiotic behaviour if true, but clearly not at all true, as you can see straight away. How is he the martyred trodden down victim of your insatiable demands... yet is also critiquing you as being too easily 'intimidated' and that you aren't the strong independent career women he fell for. Err... right. That makes NO SENSE.

Great stuff you're doing here, can't believe it's all happening in the last 24 hrs, such a lot, no wonder you're exhausted!

But of course, be a bit wary as partners can get nasty at this point in a split. Losing control...

By the way, when I hear about him, I think of an outraged cock scrabbling for his pride in the dust and dirt of the ground in his cage, whilst you're up on top of the fence, looking at the sun rise, and getting ready to soar away. With him throwing old seeds and husks around 'look at this, you made me do this, you are this one when it should have been mine'. Scrabble scrabble peck peck, feathers askew, all a bit mangey, yup, can definitely see him there hoarding his best corn ear in the corner away from you and the other birds, as you can't value it the way he can...

I don't think you can be a chicken to match him by the way, as you're all about the uplift and beauty and wings poised to fly! Did you mistakenly get stuck in the chicken house for a while on your summer migration perhaps?!

Leave that mangey old codger whittering away and hiding his precious old seeds from the likes of you, he's too busy down there to see the beautiful day and the wonderful land, sea and breezes out there where you'll be flying as soon as you're rid of him and his scratchings.

wellthis what a metaphor. It's almost poetry

And do you know what's odd? I can remember him telling me the some of the same things about his last partner. The house was a compromise etc. And from the way he described things, he took over the work on that house too. He kept saying 'I did.....' not 'we did'. In a bizarre way I wish I could find her and question her about her experiences. Not an option really. I don't know much about her.

blessed you're experiences have been terrible. I really feel for you. You are doing incredibly well given what's gone on in your life. You're an inspiration and you must know how grateful I am for you taking time to post. I was in this relationship for for 4.5 years and the counsellor has helped me to understand that if I'd stayed with him, then the likelihood was that I would have had some of the same sort of treatment that you have experienced. There were early signs and it would, in her opinion, only get worse. Thanks so much for sharing this.

Can I get something off my chest that has been bugging me? I know I have to focus on the future, not get caught up with the details of what's happened but this is niggling away at me.

We have Amazon's Alexa. You can give it verbal instructions and it links via the internet to various gadgets - in our case around the home. The STBExP was quite a tech geek so we had one. When we were away one of the things my son 'used and abused' was Alexa. The system records instructions it is given on an App so that you can tell it if it has understood you correctly and then it can adapt its voice recognition. So when my son, or one of his friends asked Alexa if she was an effing whore or an effing robot, these are listed on the App. My partner told me that there were things on Alexa about who was 'shagging' who upstairs said at the same time. Implying that there was all sorts going on in our house while we were away. What he has forgotten is that I have the App too. I am linked to Alexa. And, there are the two comments about being a whore and a robot, but nothing else. Now arguably, my STBExP could have deleted the comments about 'shagging' but why not delete the other swearing too? Do you know what - I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. I think he has made this up to discredit my son. And if he has lied about this, what else had he lied about? Do I just sound nuts? Rant over.

Today is another day. And despite all the crap, I am still crying over the fact that this odd, damaged man is walking out of my life, taking a few belongings - his choice, I know. He's not got room for some of his things in his little cottage, his other stuff he is leaving so that this house does not look too empty and therefore might be more appealing to a buyer. Heartbroken.

I think you are mourning the man you thought he was, the life you thought you'd have.

I know you're right. It really hurts.

I can hear him taking some of things out of the drawers downstairs. I'm so upset.

I am sorry but you are worth so so so much more than this. He has to go. x