I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

Hi Liz Please could you explain this? Someone else ,enticed this Sticky and I don't know what you mean. Thanks

This is the thread Liz means

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Thanks yet again. You are really keeping me going.

I keep on having slight meltdowns and doubting myself Over and over. He is so credible. So sure of himself. I have been thinking about him blaming me, if it helps him keep his ego intact and justify why he's put himself in this position then, so long as I know this is the case, fine.

He did offer to repay me for my half of the holiday that we cancelled, as he said it was his fault that we're not if. I have refused his money. I don't need it and the fact that we're not on holiday is not just his doing. I like the idea that I had had. enough, which I had, and he's moving out..

I really don't recall if I posted what he said after we came back to the house after our weekend away, we were due to go away again to a party. He told me that as it was obvious that my son had had friends around then either we locked my son out of the house for the weekend or he wouldn't go away. I told him neither were an option.

I do think that there will be some other poor unsuspecting woman who will fall for him. I met him through intenrnet dating and he was looking for a long term partner, iI suspect that he will go on looking.

I'm going out to a friends for tea. My STBExP is upstairs. He's gone to bed for a nap.

Thanks Alternative

You're getting excellent advice and support her OP. I've just one thing to add. Everything he describes is very much his own point of view- very narcissistic. 'Why isn't everything the way I wanted it to be? I like it like this, but it keeps going like that' he doesn't describe the problem in terms of anyone else having needs. He never recognises your son's perspective, and rarely acknowledges yours. I'm not saying he is a narcissist, but he is too egocentric to cope with sharing his life with anyone else, certainly not two people.

The thing you need to remember is that everything he says and everything he does, even the 'nice' things, is to make you doubt yourself, to manipulate you to get his own way, and to create a 'scenario' in which he is blameless. So for now, every time he interacts with you you need to ask yourself 'What does he really mean by that, what is he after?' before you react. Count to 5 (or 10) before you say or do anything and think. It's awful to have to be so suspicious if it isn't in your nature, but for now it's simply for self-preservation.

Try to find things to do to get yourself out of the house. Stick your ear-buds in your ears, even if you aren't listening to anything. You need to aim to keep any interactions with him to a bare minimum. You owe him nothing, not even one second of your time.

I did desperately try to clean up the mattress

This is sad, you were walking on eggshells but it was normalised to you.That isn't normal in a loving relationship.
Your son was behaving like most teens.At least you an hear how much your partner disliked your son.If it wasn't drinks it would be something else.

I really don't like your partner, he isn't a nice person, he's only kind if it has some payback for him.

I am not the confident career person he thought I was and maybe I am easily intimidated

If you have hanged it's likely to be due to him.Intimidated is such a strong word to use, if he felt you were intimidated why was he not being more gentle?

He told me that as it was obvious that my son had had friends around then either we locked my son out of the house for the weekend or he wouldn't go away.

Poppysquad this is a terrible thing for your partner to have said. Was your house in a total state when you came back after your son had friends around, or was it OK? Even if it was in a total state, your partner should not have said such a thing.

Mmmm I agree with most posters but do bear in mind that your son is 19 old enough not to have friends over who are so drunk that they ruin a mattress. I would not like that. Also he will be off to uni soon, then girlfriends and his own life, just some thoughts!

Thanks to all

The comment about locking my son out was made just before he headed off. I told him neither option was ok. This was me saying. NO. He had pushed things too far.

That mattress is not ruined. It is stained. I don't want to mention it again.

I am confident and do not feel intimidated. And certainly not in any work situation. Which is why I have realised how much I have changed at home. All borne from a fear of him walking out and leaving, which is what he threatened to do, time and time again. He did not see it as a threat, he says, he meant it, he want just threatening

Has he given any indication about when he will be moving out?

Keeping you all in this horrible limbo-land is really unhealthy and no wonder you are finding it hard to deal with. It feels somewhat like an enforced period of punishment.

But he has no right to punish you! You are letting him take out all his upset on you, and blaming you for everything. But you are not his punching bag, or his whipping boy.

I hope he moves out very soon, or you may have to take charge and find another way of ending this horrible 'physical togetherness' that serves to intensify the loss that you're not emotionally together anymore.

He says that the tenancy starts from Wednesday and he will be picking up the keys and will then start moving things in. It's an hour and a half away, but, it's his choice.

I don't know when he will actually move out. But will ask him. My son goes on holiday at the weekend and I wouldn't be suprised if he goes at the same time. Maximum impact as I will be on my own in the house for a week.

He is taking a few things of his from the house for now like the microwave. He says that, as we still have two of a lot of things, he will get my stuff out of the garage and clean it up for me. Being nice and considerate.

Op, I understand that you want to make sense of everything that's happened, and understand your dp's mindset but I honestly think you are going to have to let this go.

You (or your son) will always be wrong. You will always have let him down, done the wrong thing, not given him enough support or the "right kind" of support. ..

He will never really understand your needs because he doesn't want to.
Move on, leave this emotionally stunted man behind you. You can't change him- he doesn't have the capacity or self- awareness to change.

Poppy

I lived with a man who frequently threatened to change the locks if I did not do as he wished ( his name was on the mortgage, not mine, as he frequently liked to remind me - even though I contributed substantially to the household income). It was dire - and looking back on it now, goodness knows why I put up with it. But I did because he was wearing me down and making me doubt myself, just like your partner is doing to you. And, you know what? My Ex-DP did change the locks on me - three times!!! The first time, I could not believe it - and went back to him. The second time, I was devastated - and went back to him. And the third time, well that was the last time, because it was at that point I realised that I was nothing to him, really.

You are clearly an absolutely lovely person and totally undeserving of such horrible, selfish, utterly shitty behaviour from the very person who is supposed to love you more than anyone. Threatening to walk out all the time is pathetic. If your DP was a decent man he might let of a bit of steam from time to time (who doesn't?) but then he'd calm down, sit down with you and you'd work whatever it was out together.

Instead you're living with a 63-year-old toddler, having a tantrum at the slightest sign of something he doesn't like. I'll bet you any money Wednesday will come and go - but he won't have gone from the house you share.

Please take back control of this situation, as you can and do take very successful control of every other aspect of your life. Don't wait for him to get out - tell him you need some time apart and so he needs to leave today (Monday). He's got money - he can go to a hotel for a day or two. And don't listen to his constant whining about you being in the wrong. You are not in the wrong at all.

Courage, Poppy - you are far stronger than you think

Oh blessed your advice to poppy is really helping me

blessed I do think he is on his way. He asked me to arrange a new tv license for myself on 1st July as he will transfer 'ours'. I will ask him tonight what his plans are. I am still reluctant to do this as I still, despite everything, am hanging on to a thread of hope that this is all a horrible dream. Does that sound pathetic?

If he's not for moving quickly - I will find something to do while my son is away next week that takes me away from the house, even if it is staying on a friends settee.

But, I think he will have disappeared. And I am still in turmoil

Oh - and it's counselling tonight. Maybe a good time for this. I feel like I need to unload a little.

Why would he need to transfer the TV licence? Why can't he just apply for a new one at his new address? TV licenses are address based more than person based. How ridiculous. He's still trying to be the puppet master Poppysquad and have you running around after him. Tell him to leave the TV license as it is, you'll change it into your name (if it isn't already) and he can apply for a new one at his new address in his name.

I've read your whole thread and my heart aches for you. The sadness will be overwhelming but you so need to make a new life for yourself and your son without this man in your life. He's like a Dementor, sucking the joy and happiness out of you.

Poppy, not pathetic at all to feel this way and I can relate to it.I think it's shock and disbelief and of course sadness.This seems to be the impact of a controlling man.I still go over incidents which I know isn't healthy but I guess I am still trying to make sense of it, when no sense can be made.

Good for you to make plans.You will feel sad for a while but life will get better.

I am going to talk to the counsellor today about trying to let go - trying not to keep making sense of it - trying to deal with things.

I have a friend who has recently gone through a divorce, then her youngest left for university, so she is on her own in the former marital home. She is a teacher and her performance at work lapsed and her line manager picked her up on this. She has now been off work around 3 months with stress. She's on really strong anti-depressants and she is drinking - possibly quite heavily. I really cannot go down this road. I cannot let myself slip into this. I know that I can be prone to over analysing, desperately trying to understand things. I can feel myself dipping every now and then.

I am just so sad

You aren't trying to understand things though are you? You are trying to understand his mentality. I suspect you are trying to analyse how you could change your behaviour in order to change his behaviour.

If you are prone to over analysis and the need to understand, don't fight your nature, that's a recipe for failure, instead use it to your advantage.

Right now you need to over-analyse your future and your son's future. You need to analyse and understand what you need in your life so you don't become a lonely drunk. You need to understand how your son feels and consider what support he will need after the split.

At some point you need to understand why you tolerated so much intolerable behaviour from your ex so you don't repeat the same mistakes but tbh that can probably wait with so much other stuff needing so much thinking.

Shift focus.

Poppy it will be very helpful to you to know this (and I speak from experience). There is probably no satisfactory way to understand, to make sense and to deal with these matters. There is no "sense of it" - it is indeed senseless and ridiculous.

The answer to why? is 99% likely to be "because he can/because he could". It is shocking isn't it, but it will be the answer to all your questions.

We do ourselves a MASSIVE disservice wasting time trying to figure these guys out. You will not get the answer you are looking for. Let it go!

For more info read the Lundy Bancroft book "Why Does He Do That?".

Focus on detaching, focus on yourself, focus on your child. Every second you spend thinking about him and wondering "Why" is a total waste of your time and resources.

I'll tell you why - because he could, because he chose to be that way.

As RunRabbit said, if you want to put your time and energy into understanding the situation, put this energy into understanding yourself - this is the great learning and the source of the strength and self-knowledge you will take away from all this. But first you have to stop focusing on him. "He says & he said" doesn't matter any more.