I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

. Don't worry. I appreciate you taking time to write.

Even if he has been a prince among men 95% of the time, which I suspect is unlikely, if 5% of the time he so unforgiving, controlling and abusive it's enough to poison the well of potential harmony and happiness. It's doesn't take much shit to poison a well.

There are times when it suits him to appear generous and considerate. Would a truly generous and considerate person get so angry about a parking mishap on the eve of biopsy results that he'd tell you he was planning to leave? I crashed my car into another vehicle shortly before we moved house, possibly because I was a bit distracted. DH never criticised once.

My DS (and DH) are pretty clumsy, and at some stages a bit oblivious. Ds broke a newly installed light fitting when he was moving a chair too enthusiastically. We huffed, but didn't make a fuss. It wasn't deliberate. He's just a bit impulsive. He's getting better with age, though he can still be a bit oblivious.

When you love people, you don't stop loving them because they are accident prone. When you love someone, you don't make someone else they love miserable.

Hang in there. You really don't want him. He's played the part of a nice bloke, but he really isn't.

Exactly what pickle said.

Well OP you know him and we don't, but maybe you need to reread your initial post again, because you brought up some serious issues there. His leaving all the time, your son being mistreated, no sex, etc. Personally I couldn't cope with having to run back and cook everyday, but maybe you don't mind.

my partner has also been kind, generous and thoughtful. Not all of the time but enough for me to know that he can be really lovely

Oh sweetheart, that's how they keep you hanging in there. The lovely man comes back and you breathe a sigh of relief and love him all over again, sure that this time Mr Nasty won't make a reappearance.

I did it for the best part of 20 years...until 1 day, Mr Nice came back I felt nothing. It was all fake and another way of controlling me along with nitpicking about housework, disparaging comments, not 'allowing' me to drive when we went out together (of course I was good enough to drive when I was going to and from work, doing chores and running our daughter about).

I'm now a couple of signatures away from a divorce and a fresh start for me and Amy DD.

It's bloody hard, and no matter how much you know you've done the right thing, you will feel angry, exhausted, frustrated, bewildered, scared and sad - sometimes all at the same time. It bloody hurts. But I aleast remind myself of the card my daughter made for me in a particularly low patch...

"The best view comes after the hardest climb"

That should say and my DD...who is not an Amy for those concerned about 'outing'!

Your son sounds completely normal OP.

You're right, the likelihood is that the story won't change, it will be a roller coaster of me getting uptight about making mistakes and him saying he's going to leave.

He did say that he is unhappy about the cycle, every few months things coming to a head. Which swings me back. Is it just the incidents that tigger the leaving threat not a deliberate ploy to keep me in my place? Because now he is leaving.

I did reread my earlier posts. I had forgotten about a couple of times before we moved in when he stormed off leaving me in tears, I can't recall what the trigger was but I remember feeling a bit bewildered. And he called off the relationship twice, so in reality, before we moved in together he was already blowing hot and cold. He was not happy about me ferrying my son around to rugby training and to his job, before my son passed his driving test. He thought I ran around after him too much.

Why did I agree to live with him? The good times? I was flattered. Despite the ups and downs I loved him. Swept off my feet a little. He did instigate the move, it was his idea that we moved in together,

I am so up and down. Still questioning When in reality, the decision ha been made for me. He's off. He is leaving.

Don't see it that way, because if he changes his mind you won't feel strong in your position. Even if he actually goes, he may feel he can come back when he likes.

See it as him leaving because he knows you won't put up with his rubbish any more. The only way for him to stay is for you and DS to spend your lives tiptoeing around him, worrying about the next explosion. In young children, that behaviour from their parent causes huge developmental problems. Adults' brains are more developed, but to have someone charm you and abuse you on a cycle is so destructive.

You will recover from him. You are just still suffering from his treatment at the moment, which leaves you a bit bewildered and indecisive.

Please be glad he is going Poppysquad

Sorry to go on about my Ex-DP but there are just so many similarities and I could weep for you.

Your STBExDP complaining about you running around after your son 'too much' taking him to rugby training etc. He is YOUR SON and it's YOUR CHOICE how much running around you do for him.

And as I have said before, a supportive partner worried about you getting overtired etc might have a quiet word with your son and say 'why don't you give your mum a break and cycle to rugby training this week' or something like that. A supportive partner would not moan on at you about what you do and blame you for everything.

I know it's hard and I know you are missing the good times but he is only being nice to you when it suits him to keep you with him. He simply does not fundamentally care about you and what you need.

You've used the word 'bewildered'. That's how I was when I was with my Ex-DP, too often. His behaviour did not make sense as that if someone who loved me and cared about me.

Let him go. And celebrate his going. Don't pity him because any loneliness he feels is HIS PROBLEM. He has brought it on himself. He had a lovely woman - you - and he has destroyed that relationship all by himself.

Also Poppy what BengalGal says here is very true:

Sometimes when someone hurts you deeply you feel weirdly tied to them because only he can undo the hurt he made. But it's a sick cycle. You can undo the hurt by protecting yourself and staying away from people like that.

You may find it useful to read up about trauma bonding.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Also PoppySquad can I ask you - what does your partner do for your son? Does he give him lifts to places? Cook for him? Socialise with him etc?

Did he do this previously, but not now? If so, why do you think this might be?

I know you are not married but does he regard himself as a Step-Parent in any way?

You have all been sooo helpful - thanks

blessed my partner made a point of making sure that my sons bedroom was the one that was first decorated when we moved in. He and my son went to pick up a new wardrobe for his room as his old one did not fit. He helped my son when he needed a new battery for his car - we went and bought him a new one and my partner fitted it. We helped my son rescue his credit card when he managed to drop it down the side of his car window, inside the door casing.

But - if I am not around, and I do travel a lot with work, then they do not eat together. My partner would not prepare any food for the two of them - neither would my son. They don't socialise. They would chat, briefly over a meal that I might prepare for them both, but there's no great bonding. In fact a year or so back I booked rugby tickets for us all to go to a world cup match and we stopped for a meal on the way home and they both sat there in silence. It was tortuous.

I must admit that I don't see a lot of my son, who is often out socialising, and despite my attempts to talk to him I am often talking to his back as he's trying to get out of the house, or trying to drag his attention away from the phone. Having my son at home does not necessarily equal me having company as he will carry on with his busy social-life and my partner knows this.

My partner definitely DOES NOT see himself as a step-parent.

The good times come with strings attached. The wrong strings, unhealthy. It really isn't mentally healthy for you (or your son) to be around him. You already know this. I understand that acting on it is a different thing. In these instances, you really need to be number one on your priority list. It is good that he is leaving. It matters not a jot that he broke up with you (all the practice he has had!! ) instead of you breaking up with him. Break up with him right back.

Willful neglect from a teenager? That's laughable: very normal. In fact be grateful for that normal as things could be much much worse than some dishes and laundry and clutter. Perspective! A point of view The One Who Stomps Off may never have (in spite of his having been a teenager himself). And I know there are tidy neat teenagers out there and that is fine, but it doesn't degrade the ones who choose to not be so tidy, iyswim.

My partner would not prepare any food for the two of them - neither would my son. This is so sad.

I would consider your son as an adult. You have probably zero influence over him (that generally gets used up at 16) but you can still offer advice and encouragement and demonstrations on adult life that he may take on board or not. Putting up with a partner that will abandon you at the drop of a hat (literally in this case!) is not something you want to teach your son. Please have a long talk with him about this (with apologies that your son had to avoid being in his home because of it).

I can see that your son may be living in his own within the next few years and He Who Stomps Off may be back once the kid is out of the way. But still, don't take him back. Every holiday will be ruinous, grandkids, if any, would always be an issue. Don't do that to yourself.

Good luck

Mmmmnnn. OK, so we've all had the odd tense meal with a stroppy teenager. But, on the whole, I have to say, it doesn't sound great. Granted, your son is 19 and wants to do his own thing much of the time as is only right and normal. But what I am not hearing from you about your son and your STBEx-DP, really, is any spontaneity, warmth, or genuine care for each other. It sounds as if they co-exist under the same roof, rather than living together in any real sense of the phrase. That's not 'family' - that's sad.

How long were you with He Whe Stomps Off before you bought your house together? And how old was your son when you first hooked up with him? What was his attitude towards your son then? And towards you as a mother?

Have to say though, I agree with AndtheBand - He Who Stomps Off is always going to be hard work for anyone who is not prepared to put his needs and wants first, even if that means sacrificing just about everything else.

They co-exist. You're right.

We were together for around two and half years before we moved in together, and we met four and a half years ago so my son was just 15. He was friendly but never that close. He has never done much with my son or spent quality time in his company. When we've been on holiday my son has taken a friend with him.

In terms of my parenting - it seemed to grate. My partner resented the time I spent ferrying my son around. He came, reluctantly, to watch my son play rugby. He did not really enjoy being in a family situation.

OK. So how did you / do you feel about his reluctance to embrace family life? And how do you / did you see the relationship developing between your partner and your son?

I read this a while ago and wondered if it might help you.

"There is a definite difference between conflict and abuse.In conflict each party wants something different.In order to resolve the conflict the two people discuss their wants, needs and reasons whilst mutually seeking a creative solution.There may not be a solution but no one forces, dominates or controls the other.Control can be threatening to leave.

Here are some questions to help you evaluate the quality of your relationship:
Does your mate enrich your life?
Does he bring you joy?
Do you feel a real connection to him?
Do you think in the same way and share the same dreams?
Does he show goodwill?
Goodwill is a concern for the other persons well being..it is demonstrated by a movement toward the other in a psychological sense, with the intention of reaching mutual understanding and respect"

blessed you have a point. He did not seem to make a lot of effort with my son. In fact, his contempt for him seems to have grown and grown. He was talking about how, after his exams were over, he was anticipating my son lazing around the house, sleeping until midday, not helping out at all, (partially true, although he also working as much as he can to earn money for his holidays and to take to uni). My partner was not looking forward to a summer with my son at home.

I hoped that my son, as he matured, might be a bit more accepting of my partner's fussy ways. But would they ever be close? Probably not. the truth is my son probably put up with him because he was my partner.

hermonie I am not sure about this as the answer to a lot of these questions is sometimes.

He has brought me joy - he has really made me smile with lovely, thoughtful presents and gestures.

I used to feel pretty connected. I thought that he understood me and my issues. I am not so ssure now.

I don't think we do think in the same way - although we did share our dreams of where we might live together, travel together etc
He has shown some good will eg I asked him to 'get off my case' regarding cleaning the kitchen, reduce his expectations - and I think he did try
He has appeared to be concerned about me - worried that I was stressed at work

So - back into another loop. Am I just so crap at relationships? I did not meet what he was looking for.

You've been fine. He's been a true jerk. I don't think anyone would put up with him in the long run. He cares more about getting his way then having a reasonable relationship.

Hi Poppy

Your son sounds like a totally normal 19yr old bloke.

How did / do you feel about your partner not wanting a summer with your son around? Your partner sounds jealous of your relationship with your son - which is grim.

There are plenty of childless men -and women - who take on their partner's children from a previous relationship and bring a very positive new dimension to those children's lives, as well as their partner's life.

Your partner's selfishness, lack of empathy and emotional immaturity prevent him from doing this - and, at 63, I doubt much will change that.

Hi blessed you're not the only person who has commented on the fact that my partner might be jealous of my son. A friend said the same last week.

I have a very good friend who is childless who has taken on her partners three boys - and overall she is loving it. Some frustrations - but she loves the family around her.

I can't see my partner changing.

This evening I was feeling a bit low and he noticed and asked if I was OK. I started crying and he hugged me and comforted me. I just stood there. He asked me what I am doing tomorrow - and I told him I didn't know, and he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I told him maybe we should wait and see how we both felt tomorrow. I don't know if I do want to go. The counsellor suggested that this time is now the most 'dangerous' as I am letting him go and he won't like it.

I am sure that this is what the counsellor called 'push and pull' tactics. Pulling me towards him today, pushing me away on Thursday, telling me how disappointed he was.