I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

This has gone way beyond being about the bed. (Did the bed need to be replaced -a satanic ritual or something? Or did the linens simply need to be laundered?) he is being very unreasonable.

He has found a golden stick to beat you (and ds) with-because it is in the past and you can not do anything about it now.

He wants you to choose sides-him or your son. You did the right thing in the moment. But he sees your not taking sides as not choosing his side, and that is what is pissing him off. He keeps throwing this at you to wear you down to prioritize him over your son. Well done for not falling for it for the sake of the relationship.

He sounds really selfish. Without having kids of his own (I hope I have that right and not confused with another thread) he really has no clue to family life. You are fundamentally incompatible.

It may seem rude, but in cases like this it is not: stop listening to him. His behavior has made this boundary necessary. Polite civility. Do not take on board anything else he says. It isn't about you, it is about him and his emotional needs getting met.

I think there is a big difference between wilful neglect which is a sign of disrespect towards someone else and using a household item or accidentally damaging an item.

Your son was not meaning to be disrespectful neither were you and a house is supposed to be a home first not a place where there is fear.

An expensive mattress is not the same as a personal item..he's allowed to feel a bit grumpy but to hold a grudge is excessive.What would happened if you had grandchildren, can you imagine the pressure you would feel to keep his stuff protected ?

At best he's a very difficult man to live with, at worst he's controlling.

He sounds like one of those people who lives in a flat and complains all the time about being able to hear the neighbours.

He is not cut out for living with other people.

Oh honestly, it was a damn bed! As long as the friend didn't piss in it or break it this man just needs to get over it.

DS should have apologized, changed & washed the bedding, even vacuumed the mattress. And seen that it didn't happened again. But that should have been the end of it.

You are not making this stuff up. At the very least the two of you are simply incompatible which in and of itself is a reason to end a relationship. Your lifestyles just do not mesh. But it isn't the 'very least'. He's also selfish and manipulative. A very GOOD reason to end a relationship.

Without having kids of his own he really has no clue to family life.

Hey, I have no children and I do know what family life is like. Because, you know, I was brought up in a family.

The question is not that they are incompatible because he has no children and cannot understand what it's like. The problem is that he's an abusive twat.

A table that has been damaged is damaged. A bed that has been slept on is absolutely fine. To hold a grudge against your son, and to extend it to you, is ridiculous.

He's being precious. Why would you want to live with him?

Absolute kindest way of seeing it is that you are not making each other happy. So why stay together?
Even if his behaviour is reasonable, you don't want to live on eggshells worrying about what your son has done, what you might do.

Actually though, he is being unreasonable and blaming you. He's set you up to fail. Surrounded you with opportunities to get it wrong. This is the man who expects you to come home on time and cook for him, even if you want to do something else. The man who threatened you the night before your biopsy results. He's miserable.

Pickleme, a friend and I were discussing unreasonable ex's..in modern parlance we tend to label behaviours as controlling or abusive which is fair as the impact should not be minimised however she summed it up and said "he was a miserable git".

It was just so true..a person who brought a downer into family life because of rules, and black and white thinking.

To have a happy life co sharing with a partner you have to be able to let things go as resentment is a relationship killers.

My stbxh presented himself as easy going , the Mr Nice Guy but underneath he had rigid thinking, always assumed malicious intent and held grudges for small misdeamours.

Hermonie I can associate with the idea of him seeing malicious intent. When my partner picked me up about not cleaning the kitchen enough, he presumed that I just thought'that's alright, I'll leave it and he (i.e. My oartner) will clean it up. That wasn't the case. I am a lot more relaxed about the floor and work surfaces and dont worry about a few crumbs, I didnt even see them, never let alone have any thought about them.

My partner is so black and white. An accountant. Everything is precise. I'm just multi shades of grey. In my world you can live with each other's ways if you can both compromise, if you feel enough for each other. My partner doesn't see it like this. He sees it that you can love someone but not be able to live with them. To him, the loving bit is a small part of the relationship. To me it's a big, big part. Maybe I'm naive .

Anyway. I talk about him being a partner. He soon won't be.

The post from annieshop did stop me for a second. I did have a long hard think. And aspects of this appealed but i don't think my partner would entertain it. But I am not sure it's right. it's not just his things is it? It's me not cleaning sufficiently, my driving, being emotional ,my son being inconsiderate, lazy and a liar. It's him asking what's hes getting out of this relationship and when I ask him what he's looking for, he tells me I should know.

The counsellor and WA have both said that the relationship was controlling and based on their experience, it would only be worse. They've heard a lot more than I've written here.

It sounds like you are looking at the relationship calmly and clearly now. Well done.

Hello again Poppysquad - you are doing amazingly well! Go, you

You have been soooo caring and so giving towards this man. You have clearly bent over backwards to try to make this one-sided relationship work, but your STBExDP is unable to see or value not only what you have done for him, but more importantly, who you are.

Naicehamshop has a point when she says: In all fairness for your dp, he may not be aware of this behaviour, but it is emotionally damaging for you and son.

And that's the point - no matter WHY your DP behaves as he does it is emotionally damaging for you and your son. Forget beds, tables, sleepers, dinners etc. There just is no getting away from that. His take on how to deal with your relationship is to control you and emotionally abuse you.

I think he is panicking now because, as RunRabbitRunRabbit says: I bet he is disappointed that you weren't willing to be the Stepford wife he wanted. I bet he is angry that he's going to have to train a new one. How very disappointing.

And it is absolute garbage that he cannot move in to his new flat next week. Why ever not? What's stopping him? He doesn't work. He has money. Has no ties. He's just trying to tug on your heart-strings, play on your kindness and better nature, and manipulate you into begging him to stay. Continue to resist at all costs - you cannot live with this man.

Hermonie2016 what you say here - I wish we could name & shame these guys as I know they present as charming to other women..it would be a service to womankind - I could not agree more!!!! There should be a central register of nasty, manipulative bastards which any woman could check - that might shut a few of them up!!

And Poppysquad what you say here: My partner is so black and white. An accountant. Everything is precise. I'm just multi shades of grey. In my world you can live with each other's ways if you can both compromise, if you feel enough for each other. My partner doesn't see it like this. He sees it that you can love someone but not be able to live with them. To him, the loving bit is a small part of the relationship. To me it's a big, big part. Maybe I'm naive .

OMG - again, it's like your STBExDP and my ExDP are the same man. He's exactly the same. It's chilling. And I am the same as you. To you and me, the loving is a big, big part of a good relationship. And you said: In my world you can live with each other's ways if you can both compromise, if you feel enough for each other. I agree.

We have the healthy take on relationships. Their's is wholly unhealthy.

I am away with work today and tomorrow and am in a hotel room in the middle of NL thinking about my partner asleep in our house. I am feeling really nostalgic. Really missing the good times. Just weepy.

Stay strong. He's so unreasonable no one could live with him. You will be totally miserable if you get back with that controlling mind-fuxker and you will be really nostalgic over the memories of good times with your son because you son won't be able to stand him either.

You are going to be much happier without him.

Still wobbly this morning. Could we live apart and still see each other? I don't think that he will even consider this. The last time I spoke with him it felt like he was really demonising me. Making out that I obviously don't care enough about him - and don't show how much I care.

Morning :)

Please don't listen to this man's self-pitying whining Poppy. It's so clear that you care hugely for him but he just can't, or won't, see it, or appreciate it. Gosh, there are a zillion men out there who would give their eye teeth for a lovely woman like you by their side.

Your chap has a whopping sense of entitlement here - what about you and your needs? Are these factors a part of these recent conversations?

If it makes you feel any better then you could suggest the scenario of living apart but still seeing each other. As great posters on this thread have said already, lots of other people are able have successful relationships on these terms. But I'd bet my last dollar that your man won't countenance this at all, because the need to control you seems to be a big part of his modus operandi, and you living apart from him means that you are fundamentally stepping out of that control.

I suggested the same option to my Ex-DP. But sadly his emotional immaturity and rampant insecurities led him to be 'disgusted' with the idea, which to me, seemed like an opportunity to try to grow what was good about our relationship, and address what was bad, while still trying to be with one another, albeit on different terms. But he just couldn't handle it.

And while I still care about him deeply - a part of me still loves him, even - I am not prepared to be controlled by him any more. Or for my family to be controlled by his selfishness any more. He either takes me as I am, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, then it is his loss. I don't know if that helps you at all.

@poppysquad I've been lurking and cheering you on. Here's my take on it, for what it's worth.

This man is a miserable, manipulative joy-sucker. Yes, of course you remember good times and feel sadness and fear for the future, but what comes through to me most clearly is that everything in your relationship has been on his terms. You have to measure up to his standards. You have to rush home to cook his dinner (and he’s at home! He doesn't even work!). You have to worship his stuff like holy relics. And despite all this, he has the utter audacity to accuse you of not measuring up to his oh-so-exacting standards.

What about you? Where are you in all of this? Where is the ease and cherishing and, I don't know, everyday friendly humour between partners? Does he even have a sense of humour? Because he sounds like an uptight controlling arse and you sound scared to death of him.

I'm sorry but no. Of course you can't turn off your feelings like a light switch but you are RIGHT and he is WRONG. Please stay strong and draw support from the great advice you're getting here.

Get out your Don't Care Bear and stop caring what he thinks. He is demonizing you-so what? He thinks you are a bitch-so what? Just words floating around on some air that will dissipate into nothing.

You are on your way out and he is going to get in as many digs, put downs, degradations, minimizations, ridiculing, shaming, (and rewriting history) comments as he can. And you already know with metaphysical certitude that he isn't going to listen to a single thing you say.

Stop listening.
Stop giving him an audience.
Stop being a target/source for his ego supply.
Talk to the hand. These are necessary to emotionally disconnect.

And turn the channel. Have you ever tried to make a quilt? Wonderful hobby! There is some, or a lot, of thinking that goes into it, which is perfect for taking your mind off of that annoying background noise from him.

Really missing the good times

My love, those times don't exist anymore, they will never return. he just made those up to get what he wanted - YOU, on the hook.

Get him out and away from you and your son.

You will be better

Sometimes when someone hurts you deeply you feel weirdly tied to them because only he can undo the hurt he made. But it's a sick cycle. You can undo the hurt by protecting yourself and staying away from people like that. If you want to propose living apart but being a couple you could. Most likely he won't agree or as soon as you are mentally free you won't want him anyone. Someone that goes on for months about a guest sleeping in the spare bed, or a countertop accidentally damaged, or a piece of wood hit by the car, is just impossible. These are small things that do not reflect how anyone feels about anyone else, just tiny everyday stuff a normal persons mentions once and that's it!!! He threatens break up for weeks over these trivial stupid things and takes it as a personal attack. Can't you see how sick and controlling and just plain RIDICULOUS he is???

Once you have some distance you will wonder why you ever put up with that crap for a minute. The only reason is that he has been wearing you down and undermining your confidence. A person who has a need to do that is a really f-ed up person.

Enjoy your break from him. Imagine a man you could be with in the future, kind, generous and thoughtful, like you are, who your son will enjoy too. This miserable git you have is a selfish and silly man who of course will die alone. No one can stand him once they really know him.

Please just help me on this idea of wilful neglect. My son has little regard for a lot of his things. His room is a mess, his car is a mess, he borrows things like my phone charger and does not replace them. I sometimes don't think hes even sees eg a dirty plate that he's left on the floor. He is getting better at putting things away but washing up ends up on the work surface, not in the dishwasher.

I don't have a problem with this He's my son so I do pick up after him although I do tell him and sometimes nag him about tidying after himself.

To me, this is normal teenage behaviour. My friends with boys the same age moan about them in the same way - although I feel my son is worse in some respects.

I don't think he's ever intended to damage stuff around the house. He can be careless but he's not malicious

I've worked full time all through my sons life and my exH was at home with him. He never insisted that my son did any chores around the home. And now, there's no precedent.

Interestingly, he helped me carry the shopping in, out it away and cook tea the other night, after my partner had left.

I think you need to let go of this worry about exactly what your son did or didn't do.
It sounds as if he is untidy and a bit careless; not great, but similar to a lot of teenagers (including mine!)
I'm not defending him - you (and I ) probably need to do a bit of work with our dc over this.
But is it worth being so unkind over, and so inconsiderate of your feelings? No - it just isn't. No one with any real empathy or kindness would behave as your DP has.

I've re read some of your posts and one of the issues is that my partner has also been kind, generous and thoughtful. Not all of the time but enough for me to know that he can be really lovely,. So many of my friends said how good he was for me.

You're right naiceham I did have to tread on that very very thin line between my partner and my son. Although again, this was not all of the time, but it was becoming more and more difficult.

Yes, but don't you see that he is only been like that when it suits him? When has he really put your needs first if it means really putting himself out?

Would it have been so hard for him to bite back comments about your son, knowing that you would be hurt and upset?

Sorry - that was a reply to your previous post!