Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know how I feel about it..

53 replies

Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 07/06/2017 17:14

Okay so I've been seeing a guy for about 2 months now (both early 20s).
I have just reminded him that I never actually knew how many people he had slept with. So he tells me 9 and a few have been more than once. He hasn't ever been in any relationships at all so all these have been casual. All my sexual partners have been from long term relationships.

So here's the thing I asked if he still knew any of them to which he tells me he still has quite a few on Facebook and if he saw any of them out (we go out on a Saturday night very often) that he would say hi. I feel completely awkward about this because we are exclusive but not in a relationship and I know full well he means he would say hi infront of me.

Am I being silly to think if you're seeing someone exclusively that one night stands and casual sexual partners are completely unacceptable to be in contact with?

OP posts:
Smeaton · 07/06/2017 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 07/06/2017 17:20

YABVU. If you trust him then it's irrelevant who he is in contact with.

Original poster
Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 07/06/2017 17:22

I trust him. It's more the fact he said he would talk to them infront of me

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 07/06/2017 17:25

You are exclusive but not in a relationship (?) and you want him to ignore anyone he's ever slept with should he bump into them with you?

Completely unreasonable.

coconutcattery · 07/06/2017 17:27

Yabu.

AlcoholandIrony · 07/06/2017 17:28

I'm interested, why shouldn't he speak to someone he knows? The only relevant info you need is he is only sleeping with you.

Original poster
Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 07/06/2017 17:28

I see where you're all coming from thank you.
Can I ask what you would think if we were in a relationship?

OP posts:
AlcoholandIrony · 07/06/2017 17:32

I think "exclusively seeing each other" is a relationship.

Just one where someone (guessing him btw) is reluctant to label.
It tells me there may be commitment issues/fear of commitment.

PatriciaHolm · 07/06/2017 17:32

If you were in a relationship - the same. He slept with them, you can't erase that. Assuming he's happy with you and you trust him, his talking to them poses no threat or insult to you.

pinkyredrose · 07/06/2017 17:33

Sounds like you already are in a relationship but even if you put that label on it I'd still say you're bring very immature and insecure. What's it got to do with you who he's slept with?

All that concerns you is his sexual health and that he's got a clear bill of sexual health until you ditch the condoms. You are using condoms aren't you?

JK1773 · 07/06/2017 17:54

It's none of your business who he slept with before you to be fair. Would you rather he lie about his past? To me if his flings or relationships ended amicably and he can still say hi that points to him being a decent guy. If it was all drama, tears, arguments and allegations that would be a nightmare and a big red flag. As long as he's being faithful to you what's the problem?

Spangles63 · 07/06/2017 17:56

I'm puzzled as to how you are exclusive to each other but not in a relationship. Confused

donajimena · 07/06/2017 17:57

I think its none of your business how many people he's slept with.

thestamp · 07/06/2017 18:10

Lots of people in their early 20s have very strange ideas about what is normal or acceptable in a rs - so you'll find some your peers will agree with you if you ask them the questions you have in your OP.

Speaking as a person 10 years older, I can definitely tell you that you are being unreasonable and if you enforce this kind of thing in a rs, you end up with a partner who has little sense of self, is over dependent on you, and scared of his own shadow.

That sort of thing can seem appealing while you are still young and insecure (because this type of man can seem confidence boosting, you feel needed, worshiped, important). In a decade or so, you'll look back on the decisions you made while you were young and insecure, and wish you'd been able to think more clearly...

Don't focus on this man. Focus on you, on being ok with yourself, on having many friendships and social networks and bonds with all types of people. And then when you have that, seek out a partner who has the same strong networks. Those are the types of partners who are true partners. Who actually bring things to the table.

ONSs and previous partners are people, they aren't to be discarded. Do you want to be with a man who discards a human being because he had sex with them once? Because a lady he's dated for 2 months says so? What kind of man does that?

AdalindSchade · 07/06/2017 18:14

How are you not in a relationship? Confused

Regardless even if you were married for 40 years you still don't have the right to tell him who he can talk to. The other women aren't a threat to you (unless they are, in which case he's the problem not them)

RebornSlippy · 07/06/2017 18:18

God I feel old reading this. Can you please educate an old bird and tell me what "exclusive but not in a relationship" means?!

OP. Even if you were in a relationship he has every right to say hello to old flames. Would you greet an old boyfriend if you saw him? Assuming you're on speaking terms, that is.

ptumbi · 07/06/2017 18:19

What do you do if you go out on a friday night and see someone you used to sleep with/were in a relationship with? Do you ignore them?

lalalala578 · 07/06/2017 18:24

"We go out on a Saturday night quite often" sorry it just made me laugh. you mean 8 times??

Original poster
Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 07/06/2017 18:25

I've just asked him 'what do you think the difference is between being exclusive to each other for 2 months and a relationship is'. This is all new to me too. My previous 2 serious relationships both lasting 2 years each were with older men so I was in mature relationships and dating someone my own age is putting me in new territory on how dating someone my age works

OP posts:
Original poster
Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 07/06/2017 18:26

lalalala578 😂 I get where you're coming from. I've known him and been going out with him for much longer we've just been exclusive for the 2 months

OP posts:
lalalala578 · 07/06/2017 18:27

Ok lol sorry I didn't mean to be rude. Wink

Original poster
Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 07/06/2017 18:27

ptumbi
This doesn't happen because like i said in post above, past relationships were with older men so they're not likely to be in the night clubs lol

OP posts:
Brandysnaps200 · 07/06/2017 18:29

I'm confused! What exactly does exclusive mean??

Oh this dating malarkey has changed. You're either dating or you're not, right?? Unless of course you're just FWB?

ptumbi · 07/06/2017 18:30

Ok not a night club maybe, but on the street? In a pub? On the bus??

Breezy1985 · 07/06/2017 18:32

I don't see the problem with him saying hi to them at all...

But fwiw I have no idea how many people my DP has been with and he's never asked me either.

Swipe left for the next trending thread