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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't know how I feel about it..

53 replies

Tippitoesandbuttonnose · 07/06/2017 17:14

Okay so I've been seeing a guy for about 2 months now (both early 20s).
I have just reminded him that I never actually knew how many people he had slept with. So he tells me 9 and a few have been more than once. He hasn't ever been in any relationships at all so all these have been casual. All my sexual partners have been from long term relationships.

So here's the thing I asked if he still knew any of them to which he tells me he still has quite a few on Facebook and if he saw any of them out (we go out on a Saturday night very often) that he would say hi. I feel completely awkward about this because we are exclusive but not in a relationship and I know full well he means he would say hi infront of me.

Am I being silly to think if you're seeing someone exclusively that one night stands and casual sexual partners are completely unacceptable to be in contact with?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/06/2017 18:35

It's more the fact he said he would talk to them infront of me

Rather than pretend not to know people he has slept with? That would be really odd.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 07/06/2017 18:36

Yes, I think you are being silly - wouldn't you find it worse if he was the sort of person who ignored people he'd had sex with??

ElspethFlashman · 07/06/2017 18:39

Sorry but you're being utterly utterly unreasonable. And a bit full on for two months tbh. It's pretty rude to ask someone how many people they've slept with. It's their private past. It's none of your business !!

And it's ludicrous that you're basically wanting him to blank people he knows.

lifeissweet · 07/06/2017 18:40

I slept with a lot of my friends in drunken moments at university. They just went back to being friends. There is absolutely no threat to anyone I'm with now!

I also see my ex-husband most days and our lives are quite closely intertwined because we too are friends and I am with his current wife - and we have a child together.

I would find it really weird if my DP had a problem with me speaking to someone I've slept with. It's not like I'm sleeping with them now!

We've both been married to other people!

The past is the past.

Lemonnaise · 07/06/2017 18:41

YABU. If someone from his past says hello to him, you can't seriously expect him to ignore them. I don't mean flirting, I just mean a quick hello how's things.

AlcoholandIrony · 07/06/2017 18:44

You shouldn't (and can't) stop someone from talking to someone they know. Even if that means they have slept with them in the past. The past is the past.

Fernanie · 07/06/2017 18:48

Yabu. I'm married but still in contact with a guy I had a casual fling with. After we stopped sleeping together we became really close friends. We're slightly less close now but still meet up from time to time or catch up on the phone. Bit weird to want to police your partner's interactions IMO.

justgivemethepinot · 07/06/2017 19:02

Why on earth do you need to know how many people he has slept with? I've been with my OH for 10 years and I don't have a scooby how many he has, nor do I need to know!

justkeeponsmiling · 07/06/2017 19:06

This is really odd. So you are exclusive but not in a relationship? And just how old are your exes to never be out of the house for you to bump into?
And: would you feel any different if you were officially in a relationship? Would it be ok to talk to them then?
Sorry your attitude is bizarre.

AlcoholandIrony · 07/06/2017 19:23

Would a label of boyfriend/girlfriend make you feel more secure? Would it make you feel less threatened?

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 07/06/2017 19:26

pinot same here, been married for 15 years and I don't know!

josuk · 07/06/2017 19:34

OP - two things jumped at me in your post....
First - you seem to be judging your b-friend - your 'long term' relationships with 'older men' in your mind are somehow better (morally?) than his encounters with his sexual partners.
You said - 'with some - more than once' - as a judgement too.
You are both young - there is nothing wrong with his OR your choices.

And - secondly - what do you think will happen if he says hi to someone he slept with? How will it make your relationship any less?

Itsallamysterytome · 07/06/2017 19:35

He would go down in my estimation if he was so rude that he didn't speak to someone he had known so intimately. Just enough to show some manners.
Would be a bit peed off if they did that, oh you wouldn't understand our 'in joke' thing though

Moanyoldcow · 07/06/2017 21:29

My DH and I each had several sexual partners prior to getting together and both were on speaking terms with some them early in our relationship.

It bothered me not a bit if he chatted to them, saw them etc. I could trust him 100% and him me.

I'd have been extremely annoyed if he'd tried to stop me talking to a friend.

BlondeB83 · 07/06/2017 21:34

YABU

ThePinkOcelot · 07/06/2017 21:38

Grow up. Read back your post to realise how utterly ridiculous it sounds!

ChocolateDoll · 07/06/2017 21:45

Wtf?

Please tell me this is not normal for youngsters relationships these days? 😫

WhooooAmI24601 · 07/06/2017 21:48

Why do you need to know this information? Is it adding something to your life in some way? If not, don't ask, don't dig, don't fret over it.

DH and I have been together over 10 years and I've no clue who he has or hasn't had sex with before me. He's friends with a couple of exes; I've met them at weddings/christenings and they're genuinely lovely. Why I'd expect him to ignore them is beyond me; they're great women, it just didn't work between them.

I'm also in touch with a few Exes; one because we have a DC and get on well, a couple of others because there's no reason to go NC with someone unless one of you was an utter bastard.

Emboo19 · 07/06/2017 21:57

So what would you want him to do OP? Just blank them?
I've been with my bf almost 4 years and I don't know how many people he's had sex with and I don't care, pretty sure it's more than 9 though. I also don't know or care if he says hi if he sees them out.
Then again, I'd met his friend Jane (not her real name) loads, been on nights out, chatted etc and I'd not clicked she was the same Jane he'd lost his V to. We'd been together almost a year and he's sure he told me, but I don't remember him doing so. Still friends with her now, she's lovely.

And I can't be the only one who's curious about how old your ex's were. I know people who go clubbing in their 40's and 50's!

unicorn5629 · 07/06/2017 22:23

I'm afraid yabu

We all had a past filled with things we were happy with or deeply regret. They make us who we are today and build life experience.
Some of these encounters he may regret, some he may have really enjoyed at the time won't tell you that

The point is you are his present and hopefully his future. He wants to put all his time and energy into being with you. So what if he says hi to a past fling.

I have a couple of people as fb friends- past flings who I will comment on their stuff if the situation arises and say happy birthday etc.
You'd have less reason to ignore a fling than a full blown ex, less history to bitch and moan about...

Fwiw... me and my husband did the same course at uni, he was a bit of a tearaway... we were in an unusual whole cohort lecture when I turned to him having discussed our past etc... you've slept with 3 people in this room, classy !!!

timeisnotaline · 07/06/2017 22:44

People he has slept with could easily still be in the friendship group, be dating a friend etc etc. You can't possibly say he can't talk to them again.

TokenGinger · 07/06/2017 22:51

Oh god, this made me cringe to read. I can remember 21 year old me being this utterly ridiculous and getting jealous over past relationships and sexual encounters.

OP, if he was so rude as to ignore somebody he'd been intimate with before, I'd think he was unreasonable. Just because he has had sex with somebody doesn't mean he should ignore them in front of you. I speak very regularly to several people I have had sex with but it doesn't remove any loyalty to the person I am exclusive with now, and yes, I would speak to them in front of him.

Stop obsessing over his past. Stop asking how many people he's slept with. Don't ask who they are. Don't question it. The only reason you are doing this is because you are insecure and will use it as a means to compare yourselves to them to see if you "measure up" - I know this because I was this person 6 years ago.

And for other posters, the difference between being exclusive and being in a relationship is, being exclusive means you are only having sex with each other. So it's a FB/FWB situation if you like, whereas a relationship is a relationship.

PookieDo · 07/06/2017 22:51

I've said it on here before, this is exactly why this is a stupid thing to ask someone.
It doesn't 'tell your more about the person' it makes you paranoid insecure and uncomfortable.
If my BF asked me how many people I have slept with and who I would tell him it is not his place to ask and nor is it mine. We wouldn't have this conversation because it is entirely pointless with nothing to be gained.

FYI, I have to see a man I shagged every week because I have kids with him. My BF has to see a woman he slept with once a week too because he has kids with her. In this scenario we cannot talk to them?

You have opened up Pandora's box now so you have to kind of deal with the consequences - unless you date a virgin, it's possible normal, polite, socially aware people acknowledge exes/flames and not blank them. Saying 'hi' doesn't = shagging them again. It would be incredibly rude to ignore someone you broke up with quite amicably just because you now have a new girlfriend.

Your boyfriend sounds quite grounded and normal.

AyeAmarok · 08/06/2017 08:26

I have just reminded him that I never actually knew how many people he had slept with.

You reminded him you didn't know, as if it's strange you don't. It's absolutely none of your business!

cakecakecheese · 08/06/2017 09:36

You sound quite insecure, is it because you want more commitment from him than he's giving? Exclusive sounds like he's into you, but do you want him to call you his girlfriend? Have you told him that?

What do you think he's going to do, bump into a one night stand, think 'ooh she was good' and run off with her? I think saying hello out of politeness would be fine, guys that sleep with a woman then ignore her usually aren't bothering with.

Have you had any issues with cheating with previous partners? It does seem like you're fixating on his past a bit, but that's just it, it's his past, it's how he treats you now that's the main thing.

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