I'm hiding in Starbucks because I don't want to go home

[Shannith]

Things have been bad for a while. I don't even know where to start without outing myself.

I have run out of people to talk to as I can tell they all think I should pull my socks up and get on with it.

I quit a 6 figure job a couple of years ago and have not really worked since. It's so complicated. DP was made redundant from a high paying job and is now a consultant. He hates it but does not want to go back to the daily grind.

But he expects me to. If I don't I know he will push for us to split.

He is total Disney dad and I am painted as the bad parent. It's getting me down so much I don't know what to do.

It's like nothing I do is good enough, so I hide away. Hence sitting in Starbucks so I don't have to go home and face the disapproval.

The worst thing is that it's affecting my DD (6) who now calls me stupid mummy. I am so crushed. How did it come to this?

I can't leave and he knows it. He is from a very wealthy family and would win in a custody battle. And the worst thing is that if asked DD would say she wanted to live with daddy. Because he does all the fun stuff and I do all the boring shit. You know, like cleaning the loos and tidying up their shit.

I went on strike for a bit a while ago and cracked because the house looked like a hurricane had hit it. So ground down. I don't think there is any way to rescue this.

10 years ago I'd be leave the fucking bastard. Not so simple now. I miss the brave 30 year old me. The 40 odd year old me is a shell of my former self.

And hiding in Starbucks.

Chin up. You may be a decade older but you're still you, buried under there. It's a shit situation to be in, but not hopeless. It just feels that way right now.

I don't see why your H would win just because his family are rich. Children aren't commodities. Sure, they can afford the most expensive lawyers, but there's a limit to how much difference that can make. The law is still the law and you have a right to a fair settlement.

As for DD, she's six, four years below the age at which a child's views start to be taken into account. It's recognised that when so young they may be influenced by, shall we say, shallower considerations. If living with you means the loos will be clean and the floors can be walked across then a court would value your contribution far more than, say, having a pony or regular trips to Disneyland - which in any case her father could continue to provide even if he is not the resident parent.

And as for you: ok, you're not up to the high pressure grind any more. But you could live well on less than half what you used to earn. So is there any kind of paid work you could picture yourself doing, that you choose, not your bully of an H? Once you recover some financial independence - and some perspective outside the domestic grind - things should look far easier. For example you could afford a decent lawyer of your own...

and would win in a custody battle
Why would he?
Just because he has money?
That's not what this is decided on.
It's the main carer who tend to gets the majority of custody.
YOU are the main carer.
No matter how much money they throw at that, that cannot change.
Please get some legal advice.
You are allowing your vile 'D'H to teach your DD some awful lessons on what women put up with.
legal advice and then take it from there.
And if he calls you stupid. Tell him not to.
Tell him you are NOT stupid and if your DD says it, pick her up on it every single time!
Time to stand up for yourself.

In my experience money did not make the slightest bit of difference in the family court - please do not let that fear hold you back. Also as pp said your dd is too young for them to take her comments into account anyway.

I really feel for you. You sound so unhappy.
I totally understand not wanting to go back to a high pressure job, I feel similarly but am trapped in one as DH was also made redundant and is retraining/building a business.
Could you retrain and do a job you enjoy, or even volunteer to increase your confidence? Have you tried speaking to a counsellor if you find it's hard to talk to friends.

I can't comment on custody but money doesn't equal winning from my limited experience.

It's abuse. If he is from such a wealthy family why does he expect you to pull down a six figure salary and if he's so great why was he made redundant?

He won't get custody. Are your own family supporting you OP?

Personally I would rather be out at work(even in a different field), making friends and socializing with people than hiding in Starbucks dreading going home. You'd have some financial independence to leave him and could look forward to going home.

I left at 37. Not so different. Start now so that it isnt 41.
On phone here but the run up to making the decision is agonising. Dealing with the right decision was easier for me.

I made endless pros and cons of staying lists. Pros and cons of leaving lists.
I just should have left so that i didnt feel miserable going 'home'

Ps my kids respect me now and they wouldnt if id stayed. My son thinks im great cos i can assemble furniture from ikea even if there's a two person symbol in the instructions!

Does he work full time? If you are the main carer for your dd then that's unlikely to change.

Is the main issue that he wants you back earning a large salary or does he just want you to have a job?

Why did you leave your job?

You say DP so I assume you are not married?

Why did you leave your job and why have you stayed unemployed? Could you go back to work? Maybe a different type of job?

Hi OP. Did you leave your job due to stress or illness? Can you say what field you worked in?

It sounds like you're waiting to feel stronger before you can leave. But the reality is that you won't feel stronger until you leave.

I think that you need to get a job tbh, you are worn down by the domestic stuff and your H is probably enjoying having you not work as another excuse to run you down.

if I were you I would get a cleaner on the QT, apply for jobs and see how that makes you feel. If you split then you are entitled to half the family assets and he will have to pay maintenance, as he is consulting now I would start quietly get copies of financial records etc.

Thank you all. You don't know how much it means to think I'm not going crazy.

This is not a normal way to live.

I left my job because I was made redundant on maternity leave. Lucrative but soul destroying. I then worked part time at the equivalent salary for 4 years but I hated every minute of it so quit (big decision, never quit a job before). It was making me so miserable and to some extent I was buoyed up by people on here who got out.

Annie your post made me cry. I have forgotten who I am.

He knows he would get custody and even though he thinks I don't notice he is doing everything to make sure. Even his lovely parents seem to know. Maybe I'm being paranoid. They are properly rich.

If I was advising me I'd tell me to put my. Hi girl pants on. There are people in much worse situations.

Oh ignore me, I'm being self pitying. I can't keep hiding away but not convinced I have the strength to do the right thing.

And I can earn enough to pay for everything. Even the school fees. So why, why why do I feel so lost?

That's a retorical question.

Man the fuck up. Or carry on hiding.

I am putting my Hi pants on. Big girl pants can do one.

He is unlikely to get full custody although 50/50 makes sense.

You need to leave, go and see a solicitor and take it from there

Why are you so against going back to work?

It's incredibly unlikely he would get more than 50/50 to be honest. Unless there is a massive drip feed coming.
You may find that when reality bites, he doesn't even want that much. His family's money really will not come into it. Can you go and see a solicitor just to get some advice so you feel a bit more "lawyered up?"

You sound like you have had all the stuffing knocked out of you

Well you know what he is doing to try to get custody so you do the same.

Make sure there is no way he can be portrayed as th main carer.

If you know you can earn enough to leave you are way ahead of some women. Start a plan. Start doing little things that make you feel like 'escape' is going to happen.

Oh sweetie this breaks my heart. Have u spoke to you dh just about how you feel ? Does he ever tell you he loves you and your a good mum ?? Do you love him and have you got stuck in this rut because of lack of communication or are there bigger reasons ?? Would couples counselling help ??

Feeling for you as I know that feeling so well of not wanting to go home.

Do you want to stay married to him? If the answer is no, then I recommend getting yourself to a solicitor and getting all your ducks in a row. You'll feel better when you know someone has your back and you can list all the worries and concerns you have and work out a plan.

How could he possibly get full custody when you're the SAHP? If he's telling you that, it's bollocks. Have you consulted with a lawyer?

You're the parent with care (assumption, but given you don't work I assume you do the school runs, after school stuff etc) - so unless there is something very very seriously awry with your care, then he's not going to get anything more than 50/50, probably less.

You say DP - are you not married? That would complicate things in terms of assets, but he would still need to pay maintenance.

The fact your 6 year old might say she wants to stay with him would essentially be disregarded due to her age.

Don't let him beat you down (and turn her contemptuous of you)

My ex has masses of money yet the DCs all live with me, he didn't have a leg to stand on in court because he'd never done anything like take them to or from school, helped them with homework, taken them to the doctor etc. When asked, he couldn't say what their favourite book, food, tv programme was or place to go.