I'm hiding in Starbucks because I don't want to go home

[Shannith]

Things have been bad for a while. I don't even know where to start without outing myself.

I have run out of people to talk to as I can tell they all think I should pull my socks up and get on with it.

I quit a 6 figure job a couple of years ago and have not really worked since. It's so complicated. DP was made redundant from a high paying job and is now a consultant. He hates it but does not want to go back to the daily grind.

But he expects me to. If I don't I know he will push for us to split.

He is total Disney dad and I am painted as the bad parent. It's getting me down so much I don't know what to do.

It's like nothing I do is good enough, so I hide away. Hence sitting in Starbucks so I don't have to go home and face the disapproval.

The worst thing is that it's affecting my DD (6) who now calls me stupid mummy. I am so crushed. How did it come to this?

I can't leave and he knows it. He is from a very wealthy family and would win in a custody battle. And the worst thing is that if asked DD would say she wanted to live with daddy. Because he does all the fun stuff and I do all the boring shit. You know, like cleaning the loos and tidying up their shit.

I went on strike for a bit a while ago and cracked because the house looked like a hurricane had hit it. So ground down. I don't think there is any way to rescue this.

10 years ago I'd be leave the fucking bastard. Not so simple now. I miss the brave 30 year old me. The 40 odd year old me is a shell of my former self.

And hiding in Starbucks.

I still don't understand why you think he would get custody??

Honestly I would go and pay for some decent family law advice so you have a realistic grip on what would happen in the event of a split. Hopefully this will boost you into feeling you can put your big girl pants on, perhaps outside your clothes superhero style. Be your daughter' sheep - don't let her grow up thinking what is happening to you is ok.

Tbh your posts read to have a number of assumptions you're making that you're taking as fact and I suspect hey are really now.

Thanks everyone. It helps. The thing is he does do most of the obvious parent stuff (school pick up and drop off) as I can't drive.

I just do the boring bits. All the stuff that no one notices. Him included.

All the talk of lawyers makes me panic. I equate it with being in a terrible situation. From the outside most people would kill for what I have. Gilded cage and all that.

God I'm so miserable I bore myself.

rather than speculate about custody maybe meet with a local divorce lawyer and get the facts ? I suspect the first meeting is free.

So are you WoH or SaH?

Baby steps.

Book an appointment with a lawyer, see what they say.

You could do things to strengthen your position: learn to drive, get legal advice, get MH support (eg counselling), investigate housing. Sounds like you have resources and when you separate could be well set up.

If you don't feel strong enough for the application process and then work, I highly recommend counselling.

It will help you to organise your thoughts and fight back against the things you're telling yourself and then your husband.

Have a look on the BACP website for a list of counsellors near you. Each one will say a bit about themselves and you can choose someone you feel you could work with.

It costs £30 - £50 per hour. Do you have good access to the family money?

You mention that your DP hates his job too. Does he resent you being a SAHP whilst he has to continue to work? How was he when you first decided to stop working?

To be honest if he is making you feel so crap he does not sound like a very nice partner and you might be better off out of it. However I am not sure how on board my DP would be if I left a job and left him to be the main breadwinner. I think he would find that an extremely stressful position to be in.

I'm sorry but I don't understand why if you've got a 6yo that you can't do some sort of work? If that's his main issue then that would help and would also give you some self-esteem back by the sound of it.
I'm going to stick my neck out and say I'd be v upset if my DH wasn't willing to do something, even part-time, with school age children

Thanks. I have had a years worth of counselling about four years ago. It sort of helped but also felt self indulgent. I know, I know.

I can work and pay all the bills. I am just so beaten down that it seems impossible.

This is not the life I signed up for. I'm tempted to show him this thread. But I won't. He just did the classic passive aggressive "l don't know where mummy planted the plants". That's because you payed no attention when I was planting the plants. And now, in my daughters eyes I'm the bad person.

Reading back I am clearly so angry. So angry and so sad.

Feel free to tell me to get a grip. I probably have one lying about somewhere.

He sounds like he's destroyed your soul. Please go and seek some legal advice. Maybe CAB can help. I strongly doubt he'd get full custody.

I know about the work stuff. I'd tell me to get a fucking job. I can get one and have been offered two. But it's like he can sit at home all day being a consultant because he never had to work again.

I'll take a job. And yes, I am a bit bitter. It's so my diamond shoes are too tight. Can someone punch me (lightly) in the face while sort of hugging me. And then kick me in the bum (not so lightly) fir good measure.

I really can't spell.

FWIW, my Disney ex wanted 50:50.
We got 40:60 ( in my favour), despite him being SAHP. Courts see right through wankers.

You both sound unhappy with the status quo. You were both made redundant, but now your dp is doing something he hates to keep the money coming in, plus school pick ups and drop offs whilst you stay at home whilst dd isn't there.

I can see why this situation is making you BOTH unhappy. You feel ignored, he feels you are taking the piss. You both are right. It also sounds like you have stopped communicating.

In an ideal world you'd both work a reasonable amount and employ a cleaner to do the bathrooms and other housework that is necessary but unnoticed. Is this an option?

You sound completely depressed. Maybe going to the gp and getting some anti depressants might help.

It can happen where a partner loses respect for the other when they do not contribute financially.

If your DD is at school and you did not explicitly agree that you would be a SAHM then he will get irksome over your staying at home.

Also with respect being a SAHM to one school age child isn't very hard (ime)

But

It sounds to me like he is making you utterly miserable, like he has chipped away at your self esteem, made you anxious and you seem to be riddled with self doubt.

What do your own friends and family think?

Why are you convinced he'd win custody? Very unlikely, more likely you'd get 50/50 or better.

Get yourself to the GP for some help with your low mood.
Get yourself to a solicitor for some legal advice about splitting.
Take a job that you can feel competent and confident in and that gives you something to feel good about outside this awful family situation.
Take your dd out and spend time alone with her having fun. Things like where you planted the plants - you can just show her, get her to water them, why should he get away with pretending he doesn't know where they are or whatever. Take a bit of control back. Don't stay in the room to be denigrated or put up with it - "that's not a nice thing to say about anyone" etc.

I've got diamond shoes op. They just don't pinch. I used to earn six figures. My DH supported me to give it up for the sake of the family. I'm from the wealthy family, DH had nothing when I met him.

We have supported each other.

Frankly no shoes are worth keeping if they cause blisters. You'd be better off and so wpuld your dd if all you had was a pair of pumps from Deichmann if you see what I mean.

He has worn you down. Move on up and move on out.

And 40 is young. You have so much happiness and positivity ahead of you.

OP I don't really have any practical advice but just wanted to offer support. I've been in your position of feeling totally lost and not where I wanted to be. All I can say is break things down into baby steps. Taking the first positive step towards changing your situation is always the hardest thing to do but it could also be the best thing you've ever done. You sound like a very capable woman who needs some support to find the best way forward

The other thing I meant to say OP is that it takes real skill to esrn 100k. He ought to be proud. Kick him into touch.p

I agree it's far more likely you'll get 50/50 residency (if you're in uk, we don't have custody here).

Go see a lawyer and get some advice based on facts and not paranoid thinking. I bet you'll come out feeling reassured

I don't think he would want full custody anyway. He probably doesn't know how bloody hard it is being the Disney dad that you say he is. Even at 50/50 I imagine he might be the sort to say he's got plans on the weekend he has them.

Let him call your bluff.

Say for example your husband decided to quit his job? would you be happy? I can see both sides to be honest.