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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My childhood I can't get my head around it

66 replies

Lollypop27 · 05/06/2017 19:30

This is going to be long so I apologise in advance.

I'm 34 and the youngest of 3 (two older brothers). I can't remember my parents ever doing anything to make me happy. I can remember going places with my aunties and uncles and then taking an interest in me but not my parents. I can't remember my parents ever asking me how was my day or anything. I was there for them to take their frustrations out on.

I wasn't a naughty child at all but I got smacked, hit with a slipper, whipped with a stick, fish slice and even a hoover. Was that normal for that era?

I have 3 children myself and I think it's me comparing myself with them. I wasn't taught to brush my teeth - a dental nurse came to school when I was in year 6 and I remember being embarrassed that everyone else knew how to use a toothbrush and I didn't. I didn't know I had to wash my hands after the toilet until I was late teens. My auntie taught me how to shampoo my hair at 14!!

I was never encouraged at school (my brothers were) I wasn't allowed to stay on for 6th form. They didn't even ask about my gcse results until mum wanted to compare with my cousins. I had to get a job so I could pay keep. My brothers were supported through college and when they were working they didn't have to pay keep. I started working at 11 because I had to buy my own sanitary towels, deodorant, school supplies. My eldest brother used his wages to buy me school clothes!

My clothes were all hand me downs from my cousins and I never once got anything I ever asked for at Christmas or birthdays. My brothers always got what they wanted and all of there clothes were brand new and named. I thought we were along but it turns out my dad was in a really high paying job (45k+ 20 years ago!) they were mortgage free and no debt. They went on a few holidays when I was little but I was left with my nan. When I got older my brothers didn't want to go anymore so mum and dad went on their own. It sounds so pathetic but I can remember being stood in my aunties kitchen when they got back and they had gifts for everyone except me.

My brother went off the rails a bit and started stealing. I was 16 and working full time at this point. He used to steal my stuff and sell it cds, clothes, perfume my parents told me it was my fault for having the stuff in the house. That's not right is it?

I met my now dh at 16 and had my first child at 19 and moved away. I have been withdrawing from them the last few years. My dh gets frustrated that they still treat me as a child. They speak to me like shit and they are always comparing me to my brothers. "I've done nothing but be a sahm but my brothers have both gone to uni and have great jobs. Their wives are beautiful and thin and I need to take a lead from their book". When my niece was born they told my SIL to be careful as I would be insanely jealous as I don't have a daughter. My sil just laughed at them and I have a great relationship with my brothers and their families.

I'm getting a lot of shit from them at the moment. They want me to move back home (to the town) as I've apparently had my fun and it's time I can home so I can look after them as they get older. They also can't forgive me for not living near them with my children as they have missed out apparently. Nothing is ever said to my brothers when they love either end of the country and have children.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm certainly not moving back but how do I stop the guilt? I've been treated like shit for years but they still manage to make me feel like a 5 year old girl scared of them.

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 05/06/2017 19:34

That is just awful reading. But you owe them absolutely nothing and you must not move back to their town.

TwoLeftSocks · 05/06/2017 19:36

I don't normally post on this board but without hesitation I think you should go no contact. They are not nice people, most certainly not to you. That was not in any way a normal childhood, I'm sorry it was yours.

Hickoryandsage · 05/06/2017 19:37

From your post, I would say they were incredibly neglectful both practically and emotionally. Could you perhaps speak to your Aunties that were kinder to you to help you put your feelings of fear and hurt behind you?

I realise that a parent - child bond runs deep but if you can I would concentrate on putting my energies into the people who love and support you. Your DH, brothers, SIL etc.

You should feel proud of yourself for achieving what you have, a happy family life. No job can beat that. You are an inspiration for having got through such a hard childhood. Complete respect for you.

MyCalmX · 05/06/2017 19:38

I'm so shocked to read this OP. My childhood was so very different and I feel a bit guilty for not ever thinking that people didn't always have parents that loved and took care of them.

I mean I knew people didn't have any parents but living with your parents and them treating you so appalling is horrendous.

Do not move back and do not feel guilty.

LordPercy · 05/06/2017 19:40

Jesus OP that's not a normal childhood. Don't move back and don't feel guilty. I'm glad you've risen above your parents and have a supportive network around you. Why do your brothers think you were treated like that?

Seeingadistance · 05/06/2017 19:41

That was in no way a normal childhood. They clearly favoured your brothers to the point that they actively abused and neglected you.

I agree with a previous poster that you should feel free to have no further contact with them - feel no guilt or remorse about that.

beachcomber243 · 05/06/2017 19:41

You have been bullied and neglected, scapegoated and treated terribly. Indifference and derision and seeing siblings favoured so much is so very hurtful and damaging.

Do not move back, and try and get professional support with this as you have no reason to feel guilty.

They are trying to manipulate you but you are a woman with a DH and children now so concentrate on your life....and leave them to it, they do not deserve you.

beachcomber243 · 05/06/2017 19:44

I agree with PP you have done amazingly well to achieve the family life that you have, all credit to you. None to them.

HildaOg · 05/06/2017 19:46

You owe them nothing. Cut them out. You don't need them. They were horrible to and neglectful of you, they continue being nasty and they expect you to return to live near them so you can be their carer? You need to burst that deluded sense of entitlement.

No way should you return, no way should you feel guilty, I wouldn't even waste my time staying in contact with them. Cut them out.

CleopatraTheCatLover · 05/06/2017 19:46

I'm so sorry you were so badly neglected as a child. You should get some counselling to help you overcome the emotional trauma from your childhood. As for moving back to look after them, they can fuck off! Glad you're standing firm on that point.

TemporalUser5k · 05/06/2017 19:47

What do you feel guilty about? You have no valid reason to feel any guilt.

I agree with pp that you should look into some sort of counselling to put any guilt to rest.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 05/06/2017 19:48

Good heavens. That's appalling treatment. How can any parent treat a child like that. It's abusive. Please please do not move back - they really don't deserve you.
If it was me I'd have nothing to do with them and I would have to confront them about their treatment but of course that's up to you.
I'm so sorry you had such a horrible childhood, concentrate on your own family and your other healthy family relationships as for your parents ... you must be a pretty amazing person for still having any sort of relationship with them.

zen1 · 05/06/2017 19:49

This is absolutely appalling OP. I'm glad you have decided not to move back, but the only way you will stop feeling that they have power and control over you is to go completely no contact. You are still young and have the rest of your life to make happy memories with your own family. You have suffered enough at the hands of these people (not going to call them parents as they didn't parent you).

sodabreadjam · 05/06/2017 19:50

Just cut them off - you owe them nothing. Don't be guilt-tripped into anything. Definitely don't move near them. They have treated you very, very badly. It is a shame your aunts and uncles didn't intervene more but maybe it wasn't possible.

Enjoy your life with your own little family - you deserve it.

Hopefully you will still be able to maintain your good relationship with your brothers and their families.

I say this as someone who is more likely in your parents' age group than yours.

booellesmum · 05/06/2017 19:50

I am so sorry you had such an awful childhood.
They treated you very badly and are continuing to do so.
You need to think of all that you have achieved in spite of them. You are now an adult, you do not have to seek their approval or consent for anything.
Whether you go nc or not is your decision but if you don't think carefully about what your responses will be to them.
I felt much better after I decided not to take any more rubbish from my mother and to stop worrying about upsetting her. Whenever she started up I would tell her that it wasn't acceptable and if she carried on I would go home - as this usually meant taking the visiting grandchildren as well it tended to work and she has been so much better.

PacificDogwod · 05/06/2017 19:52

My god, you have done so well for yourself - kudos and all of that to you not your DNA donors. You must be very strong and resilient to have come out the other side of this kind of neglectful and abusive upbringing sounding so functional and, dare I say it, sane.

Your 'parents' don't deserve that word used for them from what you are writing.
You experience is not 'normal' or average or any kind of sign of the times.

tribpot · 05/06/2017 19:53

That is truly shocking reading, OP. No, nothing about your childhood was normal for the time. You were systematically abused and neglected, primarily because you are female. And now after that they expect you to fall into the role of carer for them in their old age? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

You are deep in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - that binds abused children to their parents. I really think you need to cut them out of your life, but I would start by getting yourself into counselling as I suspect you will find going no contact with them extremely difficult to even imagine, let alone execute. Is your DH not beside himself at the way you were and are treated by them? What's his view on whether you should still have contact with them?

gamerchick · 05/06/2017 19:53

I'm getting a lot of shit from them at the moment. They want me to move back home (to the town) as I've apparently had my fun and it's time I can home so I can look after them as they get older

Time to come out of the F.O.G OP and this ^^ is where they reap what they have sown.

Go NC with them you'll feel better for it and when you've got rid of the guilt your life will feel lighter. You owe them nothing but a token show your face at their funeral.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/06/2017 19:55

No not normal - it's abusive. Absolutely disgusting behaviour. You were neglected.

I would in your position cut all contact with them.

Thesp00kykids · 05/06/2017 19:55

I'm sorry you were treated so horrifically, I would definitely go NC with your parents. Please do not let them guilt you , they deserve nothing from you.

Mellifera · 05/06/2017 19:56

I would also say try therapy. There was a lot of neglect and abuse, and you still feel guilty.
You need professional help, they will try and mess with your head again.
I'd go very low contact immediately.

Elllicam · 05/06/2017 19:56

I never normally say this but you need to distance yourself from these terrible abusive shitty people.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 05/06/2017 19:57

Have you ever spoken with your brothers about the way your parents treated you ? Do any of your brothers have children ?

It sounds very much that your brothers or at least one recognised it wasn't normal or at least tried to help by buying you things with his wages.

Original poster

Lollypop27 · 05/06/2017 19:57

I don't know what to say. I thought you were all going to tell me to stop being a special snowflake that's how it was and to just get on with it.

I don't know how to move forward I don't feel strong enough to go no contact at the moment.

I can't get my head around them going downstairs to get a stick and coming back upstairs to hit me. When my son was a toddler he went to touch the fire and I can remember tapping his hand and saying no. It was a automatic action and I have never touched him or my other children since. I can't work out what was going through their minds as they walked down the stairs and walked back up again. What kind of person does that.

I have spoken to my aunties about it but they have all told me it was how it was then and to not let it bother me there is no good in looking back.

My brothers confessed that they were emotionally abused but it's in the past and they are over it.

There is no chance of me moving back at all. Pathetically I am using my husbands job as an excuse. It is a reason but I don't have the balls to tell them I don't want to be near them.

OP posts:

Didiusfalco · 05/06/2017 19:57

Oh god op - that makes awful reading. I'm older than you and I can say with certainty it was not normal for the time. I'm so sorry you had an abusive childhood and it sounds like you were the scapegoat. Please get some counselling so you have the strength to severe ties with these awful people.

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