My childhood I can't get my head around it

[Lollypop27]

This is going to be long so I apologise in advance.

I'm 34 and the youngest of 3 (two older brothers). I can't remember my parents ever doing anything to make me happy. I can remember going places with my aunties and uncles and then taking an interest in me but not my parents. I can't remember my parents ever asking me how was my day or anything. I was there for them to take their frustrations out on.

I wasn't a naughty child at all but I got smacked, hit with a slipper, whipped with a stick, fish slice and even a hoover. Was that normal for that era?

I have 3 children myself and I think it's me comparing myself with them. I wasn't taught to brush my teeth - a dental nurse came to school when I was in year 6 and I remember being embarrassed that everyone else knew how to use a toothbrush and I didn't. I didn't know I had to wash my hands after the toilet until I was late teens. My auntie taught me how to shampoo my hair at 14!!

I was never encouraged at school (my brothers were) I wasn't allowed to stay on for 6th form. They didn't even ask about my gcse results until mum wanted to compare with my cousins. I had to get a job so I could pay keep. My brothers were supported through college and when they were working they didn't have to pay keep. I started working at 11 because I had to buy my own sanitary towels, deodorant, school supplies. My eldest brother used his wages to buy me school clothes!

My clothes were all hand me downs from my cousins and I never once got anything I ever asked for at Christmas or birthdays. My brothers always got what they wanted and all of there clothes were brand new and named. I thought we were along but it turns out my dad was in a really high paying job (45k+ 20 years ago!) they were mortgage free and no debt. They went on a few holidays when I was little but I was left with my nan. When I got older my brothers didn't want to go anymore so mum and dad went on their own. It sounds so pathetic but I can remember being stood in my aunties kitchen when they got back and they had gifts for everyone except me.

My brother went off the rails a bit and started stealing. I was 16 and working full time at this point. He used to steal my stuff and sell it cds, clothes, perfume my parents told me it was my fault for having the stuff in the house. That's not right is it?

I met my now dh at 16 and had my first child at 19 and moved away. I have been withdrawing from them the last few years. My dh gets frustrated that they still treat me as a child. They speak to me like shit and they are always comparing me to my brothers. "I've done nothing but be a sahm but my brothers have both gone to uni and have great jobs. Their wives are beautiful and thin and I need to take a lead from their book". When my niece was born they told my SIL to be careful as I would be insanely jealous as I don't have a daughter. My sil just laughed at them and I have a great relationship with my brothers and their families.

I'm getting a lot of shit from them at the moment. They want me to move back home (to the town) as I've apparently had my fun and it's time I can home so I can look after them as they get older. They also can't forgive me for not living near them with my children as they have missed out apparently. Nothing is ever said to my brothers when they love either end of the country and have children.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm certainly not moving back but how do I stop the guilt? I've been treated like shit for years but they still manage to make me feel like a 5 year old girl scared of them.

Wow OP please get therapy so you are strong enough to go NC - they aren't parents they are horrible evil nasty bastards and don't deserve a second of your time

Families are a genetic lottery. Their treatment of you is not a reflection of you as a person but wholly a result of their inadequacies. You will never have their approval but you should focus on your own instead.

What do you like to do?

Have a nice bath?
Cook your favourite food?
Read your favourite books, play silly games with your DC do stuff you haven't tried before.

Your most enduring relationship is with yourself so be nice to yourself as you need to put yourself first before you can look after your loved ones. Your family are those who love and care for you - not always your genetic family.

It will feel weird but when (and I'm sure they will) come to you and expect you to do their bidding to win crumbs of approval you will be able to gift them your indifference instead.

My parents were godawful to me, I did tell my mother once not to grow old and infirm as I would put her in a home nad not look back.

She did this whole weeping dramatics thing over it.

I'm no contact with them now and imagine she will end up in a home when she gets old and infirm.

You reap what you sow.

You have noting to feel guilty about, be less available for them, don't answer their phone calls, don't tell them anything about your life slowly withdraw whatever contact you do have.

Your childhood was not normal. I can't imagine purposely going downstairs or get an implement to beat my dc with either.

Your brothers got over their EA, good for them your abuse has continued and you don't have to get over it and take care of your parents on their dotage. They should have thought of that when treating you badly.

If you can't go NC then at least go low contact.
Go onto Amazon and have a look for books for children of toxic parents.
Some counselling may help you as well.
It sounds awful.
And absolutely NONE of that is normal.
I'm a late 60's baby and I think we got a smack on the bottom maybe twice in our lives.
I did get a smack around the face once from my mum but I was being totally vile and shouting in her face.
Every time they say, move back home now. Just laugh and tell them it's not gonna happen.

As the mother of a 34 year old daughter, let me confirm that the horrific abuse you describe was definitely not how it was back then.
I'd advise you to avoid your abusers completely.
They should be the ones feeling guilty, not you. But they never will because anyone who can behave like that obviously doesn't have a conscience.

Find a way of telling them that behaviour was and continues to be unacceptable.

Do not wait for or expect a response.

Love yourself and your children. Talking about your childhood might be an important part in your healing.

Hi Lollypop,

Been following your thread the last couple of days, really resonated with me, as my childhood was so similar. My mother deliberately withheld sanitary towels when I started my periods as a form of punishment. Like you I was the scapegoat for a highly toxic and dysfunctional family.

I can understand your bewilderment at the way you were treated but would like to reassure you, you may be starting your own path to freedom, realising your childhood was sick is the beginning point.

For me it has taken a few years of, sometimes intense, therapy to understand that my parents were immature and wholly inadequate using me to deposit all of their negative feelings and frustrations into. I endured years of being labelled the bad one, but was exploited to look after my younger sister and to cook and clean. My brother was the favoured one, the little prince, with the best of everything.

Anyway, turns out from therapy I am the mentally stable one, my perceptions have always been correct and the years of frustration at not being validated by others who saw what was going on doesn't matter. I have been told my mother probably has Borderline Personality Disorder of the 'woe is me' kind. Her passive aggressiveness kept me totally confused and trapped, feeling guilty.

My advice to you Lollypop is to start reading up on dysfunctional families, anything, books and online. If you can afford it, start therapy, it will give you the parenting you never had as a child and the validation that you will sadly never get from your family. They are part of dysfunctional system that props itself up to survive but YOU are lucky, you are realising it was all wrong. You can break free. It will still hurt, you will cry and rage and see things with different eyes but 'the buck stops here', your life and your children's will be better. Good luck (apologies for the essay!)

Oh my God. Your story is utterly horrific. You owe your parents nothing at all. I.would be looking for a therapist to work through all those years of abuse and neglect you have suffered, then focus on being free of them.
Xxxxxxx

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I have an appointment with my gp tomorrow anyway so I'm going to ask him about counselling. I don't expect it to be in the NHS but I'm hoping he will be able to recommend someone.

Thank you for all of the advice and to those of you who have been through the same xx

I would just say you are all happy where you are and you will not be moving back. Concentrate only on your husband and children. Have as little contact as you need to retain reasonable relations with them. I say this in case you start twisting yourself up at some stage about a troubled situation. Really try not to think about the past which was not good so why let it tarnish your present and future. I know it is difficult as I expect it is like a sore which keeps getting rubbed. You have survived and done well.

As well as everything other posters have said, it is also good your DH is supportive. You don't have to face this alone. He can help you be strong even if you don't feel it.

Hi OP, just well done for surviving what must have been a traumatic childhood. Keep your distance from your parents and continue to recognise what they did was wrong. for you

Lolly can I please just sweep up your 6 year old self and give her a huge, maternal, caring cuddle. Then I want to pop her into a bubble bath, wash and dry her hair, help her brush her teeth and give her cozy warm pyjamas to snuggle into. I want to read that little girl a story and chase away the nightmares.

I've cried a little for your little girl self, Lolly. I've cried for you.
Never, ever let these people hurt you again. You owe them Nothing.

So much of what you wrote resonated with me, especially the part about moving back to look after them in their old age. I had similar (although not the same) experiences that you describe - got my first job at 12 for the same reasons. I also had those nice aunties who would take up the slack a lot, but then excused the DNA donors as "that's just how they are", excused it because of their disability (as if that's an excuse not to be a good human). First I moved to the other end of the country for university. Then kept going. I got the sense that they ("supportive" aunties, the DNA donors didn't have a clue what I was doing) only tolerated the masters to humor me and expected me to move back "home" afterwards to look after the DNA donors. I went to the other side of the planet for the PhD (definitely NOT supported). The disability facilitated LC, then after a particularly nasty response to what I thought was a thoughtful, lovely (obligatory) Christmas gift I emailed back telling them that the response was rude and unacceptable, they were failures as parents, and to fuck off and never contact me again (yeah, I snapped). BEST THING EVER! Initially I expected backlash from the "supportive" aunties, and I was ready to go nuclear with the whole truth of the abuse from their beloved, so hard done by, tries so hard to be a good parent (barf) brother, and the difficult, but it's just the way she is female DNA donor, but it never came. Now, I'm not stressed around birthdays and holidays, now I don't dread opening my email. The weight that was lifted...it was, and continues to be an amazing feeling. Just because they donated DNA DOES NOT MAKE THEM FAMILY! You only have obligations to the people that treat you well. The rest can just fuck off. Life's too short. The people who you love, and who treat you well are the people who matter (there has been much loss and therapy to get to this point). You've achieved amazing success against all the odds to build a happy and successful family. You ARE successful.
Also, just wanted to comment on the thought that you feel you have to tell them that you don't want contact. You don't. You can just block them, and everyone else who they send as messengers (the flying monkeys as I have learned from Stately Homes). You're an adult, as are your brothers, you don't get involved in their shit, they don't need to be involved in your "relationship" with your DNA donors. If they want to talk about you behind your back, fine. The people who love you and care about you know the truth. The people who buy into their toxicity - not worth your time. I was able to send the fuck off email because I have a really low tolerance for fuckwits in general, but that doesn't mean everyone who wants to go NC can or should do that. Maybe one day, after much therapy, you WILL feel strong enough to send that message but you don't HAVE to announce NC, you can just do it (one of the few perks of being an adult, you don't have to explain yourself to "parents").
I agree with PPs wholeheartedly, "parent", "mother", "father", "mum", 'dad" are honorifics that must be EARNED. If I ever talk about them, I use their first names.

Oh, and stay far, far away. Other side of the planet has worked for me!
((HUGS)) (sorry MN), we're survivors, you've got this.

And once more, for the record. You are successful.
Sorry, this got long.

bloody hell op you are amazing to have got through that.

I hope the appointment with the GP went well.