My childhood I can't get my head around it

[Lollypop27]

This is going to be long so I apologise in advance.

I'm 34 and the youngest of 3 (two older brothers). I can't remember my parents ever doing anything to make me happy. I can remember going places with my aunties and uncles and then taking an interest in me but not my parents. I can't remember my parents ever asking me how was my day or anything. I was there for them to take their frustrations out on.

I wasn't a naughty child at all but I got smacked, hit with a slipper, whipped with a stick, fish slice and even a hoover. Was that normal for that era?

I have 3 children myself and I think it's me comparing myself with them. I wasn't taught to brush my teeth - a dental nurse came to school when I was in year 6 and I remember being embarrassed that everyone else knew how to use a toothbrush and I didn't. I didn't know I had to wash my hands after the toilet until I was late teens. My auntie taught me how to shampoo my hair at 14!!

I was never encouraged at school (my brothers were) I wasn't allowed to stay on for 6th form. They didn't even ask about my gcse results until mum wanted to compare with my cousins. I had to get a job so I could pay keep. My brothers were supported through college and when they were working they didn't have to pay keep. I started working at 11 because I had to buy my own sanitary towels, deodorant, school supplies. My eldest brother used his wages to buy me school clothes!

My clothes were all hand me downs from my cousins and I never once got anything I ever asked for at Christmas or birthdays. My brothers always got what they wanted and all of there clothes were brand new and named. I thought we were along but it turns out my dad was in a really high paying job (45k+ 20 years ago!) they were mortgage free and no debt. They went on a few holidays when I was little but I was left with my nan. When I got older my brothers didn't want to go anymore so mum and dad went on their own. It sounds so pathetic but I can remember being stood in my aunties kitchen when they got back and they had gifts for everyone except me.

My brother went off the rails a bit and started stealing. I was 16 and working full time at this point. He used to steal my stuff and sell it cds, clothes, perfume my parents told me it was my fault for having the stuff in the house. That's not right is it?

I met my now dh at 16 and had my first child at 19 and moved away. I have been withdrawing from them the last few years. My dh gets frustrated that they still treat me as a child. They speak to me like shit and they are always comparing me to my brothers. "I've done nothing but be a sahm but my brothers have both gone to uni and have great jobs. Their wives are beautiful and thin and I need to take a lead from their book". When my niece was born they told my SIL to be careful as I would be insanely jealous as I don't have a daughter. My sil just laughed at them and I have a great relationship with my brothers and their families.

I'm getting a lot of shit from them at the moment. They want me to move back home (to the town) as I've apparently had my fun and it's time I can home so I can look after them as they get older. They also can't forgive me for not living near them with my children as they have missed out apparently. Nothing is ever said to my brothers when they love either end of the country and have children.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm certainly not moving back but how do I stop the guilt? I've been treated like shit for years but they still manage to make me feel like a 5 year old girl scared of them.

Your 'parents' don't deserve that word used for them from what you are writing.

This ^

You owe them nothing.

You have built a happy stable family despite them and you must not let them undermine it.

They have no right to expect you to care for them as they have never cared for you.

If they continue to harass you, cut contact. Live well and let them seek support from those they supported.

I am so glad you are not moving back to be near them
Use whatever excuse or reason you want to allow you to stay the fuck away!

Please find out what counselling may be available to you - you do deserve help to find a way to make your peace with your experience.
I feel sick thinking about how you must have felt.

I have one brother and while my parents would agree that they did not treat us the same (50 years ago) and there were some sexist aspects of our childhood, we were both loved, looked after really well, encouraged in all our endeavours, got gifts equally etc etc.

Just to repeat: your experience of your childhood is not normal, not right and not in any way your fault.

"The best revenge is a life well lived."

Make this your motto?

I'm absolutely infuriated on your behalf that they expect you to disrupt your life to look after them after not even attempting to look after you the way parents are supposed to look after a child. Horrible horrible case of neglect, I would cut them off in a heartbeat.

I'd suggest you have some therapy for yourself to help you in breaking away. It may well be your brothers are "over it" but from what you describe your abuse was greater and more wide ranging.

There's a book called toxic parents that might help you. Also there's a thread called "But we took you to stately homes" that you might want to read and join.

Is absolutely not normal behaviour at all. I'm upset thinking of you not knowing how to brush your teeth and wash your hair as a teenager. It's absolutely disgusting and your parents are awful people who if they had any decency would be ashamed. But they don't.

Jesus they sound awful.

I would go no contact with them. They don't deserve anything from you

As others have suggested, counselling might be good for you.

In the meantime, write them a letter reminding them of everything they did and how it makes you feel. Reflect on it for a while and decide if you want to send it.

Your parents are not fit to be called parents. Nasty fuckers.

Can you just not answer their calls rather than facing up to them? I appreciate that may make you feel panicky but in the long run it may help you.

Also, therapy helps you to stop wondering WHY they did what they did. That's their problem.
You need to have some space to talk about stuff with an empathic person, a counsellor or better, therapist.

You've done amazingly well as it sounds your DH is lovely. You didn't repeat the pattern in your relationship, even though you got together very young, and you don't treat your children like you were treated, and broke that cycle. Well done.

I'm 10 years older and have had a very similar childhood, and it has taken me decades to stop asking myself why they did it (even trying to get an apology from my mother).
It had nothing to do with me, I was just there, as a convenient recipient of their anger. I didn't do anything wrong, I was a child.

You didn't cause them to treat you like that, you were just unfortunate to be born to these parents.

Please reduce contact and get profssional help, they will try their very best to make your life miserable once they realise you won't dance to their tune.

They want me to move back home (to the town) as I've apparently had my fun and it's time I can home so I can look after them as they get older.

ha ha ha. Would you ever have the courage to say to them "you didn't look after me when I was young so why on earth would I look after you?"

I'd just drop contact with them tbh. Keep in touch with your brothers and their families but drop your parents. As someone said "nasty fuckers"

You poor love, that's horrific treatment. I'm 10 years older than you and while my childhood wasn't great in many ways, the kind of things you experienced were not normal for the time. I expect your Aunt and Uncle did what they felt they could to help you but please ignore them telling you to just forget it.

Please get some therapy to help you work through how awful your parents were/are and please do not move back. You owe them nothing.

Go non-contact. My sister and I have for 'just' emotional abuse.

That was in no way normal back then, or at any time. That was abuse. It is not in the past, because you are living with the consequences now. You owe them nothing at all, you owe yourself so much more, you owe yourself happiness. Don't look back, except to work out ways to heal yourself!

Your brothers didn't have it as bad, so they can't tell you to put it behind you. It had made you what you are. Would definitely recommend therapy- I never felt " worthy" enough to go for therapy ( due to the lack of that from my parents) but I reckon that I'd have surfaced probaly 15 years earlier if au had. Your parents don't deserve the title- be proud that you're not like them. (And yep - ours go on about how we owe them all the time - classic narcissistic attitude - it's all about them 😄 ) All the very best OP

I'm so glad you had your aunties. They helped you survive. That's all you did around these people and despite the abuse. Survive. Be very proud of yourself. You are an amazing young woman. You deserve parents, who love you and are proud of you. Instead you are saddled with mindless, abusive idiots. I hope one day soon you will have the strength to pull away.

You owe them nothing. Don't give them the opportunity to scapegoat your children too.

OP so sorry to hear what you went through. The emotional neglect you had was awful
enough but when compared to how your "do no wrong" brothers were treated it must have been even harder to bear. Sounds like you're doing a great job with your own family ..how are your parents with their grandchildren..are some of them favoured?

I'm so sorry OP. What an awful childhood. How would you feel about writing them a letter saying how you feel so you don't have to do it face to face, and then, if you so wish, never speak to them again.

I'm so sorry you suffered that op.

You seem to have sympathy and an emotional attachment with them. This happens to victims, but therapy will help you see beyond that. You can break free of your abusers.

You don't need to make any excuses to them if you don't want to see them again.

You just don't.

It might be easier for you to do it gradually. Reduce contact until it's almost little. I've reduced my contact with my mum - we are down to the odd text every few months. I used to feel incredibly guilty and it has taken me a good long while to appreciate that I did nothing wrong as a child and have done nothing wrong now. The only bother is that I won't get any satisfactory answers from her. But that is a price worth paying for feeling free from her.

Hi Lollypop

I am so sorry to read that your parents failed you abjectly as a child by choosing to abuse you throughout your childhood and beyond (because they are still trying to manipulate and control you). They made you their scapegoat and they should be in prison for their crimes against you. It is NOT your fault they acted like this, the fault is theirs and theirs alone.

I would seek professional help regarding helping you move forward from their abuse and to free yourself from your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). BACP are good and do not charge the earth and NAPAC (National association for people abused in childhood) are also worth contacting. napac.org.uk/. Both organisations can help you move forward and away from your abusive parents; they are not fit to clean your shoes.

You owe these people nothing. Your life without them in it will be a lot happier. I would also urge you to now block all their means of them communicating with you.

No this was most definitely not normal for that era or any other era. Your so called parents were cruel, abusive and neglectful. They are still being abusive.You don't owe them anything.

As others have said It would be a good idea to get some counselling or therapy. Then hopefully you will have the skills and the confidence to tell your awful parents exactly what you think of them, and that you will not be looking after them in their old age, which hopefully will be as appalling and dreadful as your childhood.

Take care Lollypop

Even if your parents were good parents you wouldnt need to feel guilty if you couldnt move back to look after them..But looking at how they treated you you would be putting yourself and your own lovely family into a mess and they are your first responsibility. Dont bother getting into a big discussion as that will drag you down. Just keep saying..lm afraid there is no way we can move with dhs job..There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying that.
This might sound weird but if they had treated ye all badly l could say they knew no better but to single out one child is nothing short of evil.
Enjoy your own family.

Lollypop I'm a similar age to you, in fact a little older, and I just wanted to say that this absolutely not how it was back then. None of my older siblings or my friends at school at the time were treated in this way in the 80s/90s and they would have been horrified to hear your account of your parents treatment of you. This really is not normal at all, like someone above me said, for any era but certainly not ours.