Selfish DP

[ThatWouldBeGreat]

Morning everyone,

I am just really irritated at the moment, I don't have anyone in RL that I want to openly discuss this with as I am the person that everyone comes to when they've got problems.

The issue is DP and his very selfish ways, I am 5 months pregnant and he is not being supportive at all, it is almost as if he doesn't care, he was awake at 6am this morning all I asked him to do is get DS5 ready for school meaning, give him breakfast, bath him and get him dressed he replied with "I've got a headache" I left him in bed asleep and now I've come home he is not here, but he supposedly has a head ache.

I am not going to drip feed - our relationship is not the best, every time he have an argument or a disagreement he ignores me for days, the arguing doesn't happen in front of DS, but before he broke up for half-term he had cried in school for three consecutive days but would not tell his teacher or me why, I don't know why this is because he enjoys going to school and on the way he is happy and talkative.

To be honest I don't really know what kind of advice I want, but he feels good to let it out.

Thanks for listening/reading this.

?

Have a think about swopping him for tax credits. You'd get quite a bit with two children, plus housing benefit, council tax benefit, free prescriptions etc.

If you're doing it all anyway then whats the point of him? Does he bring lots of money into the house?

Thanks for you reply I really appreciate it, I do not claim any benefits, I do not mean this is in a smug way but we are both very financially stable so money will never be an issue.

I am just sick and tire of him, there's days when he literally sits and watches me do everything.

Well, get rid of him, what do you need him for?

@category12 I don't need him for anything but I just don't want to be alone/single and I dread to think what will happen when the new baby is here.

Well why put up with it?
Seriously.... Why?
Take a long hard look at what life is like right now.
Now imagine it without him there.
Being an annoying manchild.
Abusing you by stonewalling.
And don't think it will stop at you.
He'll do it to the DC as well!
Then they will continue that abuse cycle.
Don't do it to them and don't do it to yourself.
You don't need him to kick him the feck out!

You're in the lucky position where money doesn't matter too much. This man is a drain on you. Your son sounds very unhappy, too. Surely being alone would be better than living with this man?

@hellsbellsmelons I know I shouldn't have to put up with this, and the worst thing is people think he is the perfect partner/dad if I were to tell people they would be shocked, I'm actually embarrassed, when I say he ignores me I mean that he will leave the house for days, but he always finds time to FaceTime DS.

I will try and speak to him within the next few days.

Surely being with him is worse than being single. Being single is good.

Your ds isn't happy, you're not happy, he doesn't sound happy either. If he doesn't help and isn't supportive now, he's not suddenly going to become better when the baby is born.

Why are you so afraid of being on your own and or single?. Do you really need a man that much to validate your own existence here?. That was some crap you were sold there about relationships if that is the case.

Better to be alone that to be so badly accompanied. Besides which you are not alone; you have your child with another soon to be born.

The late Robin Williams once wrote "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. Its not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone". And that last sentence is precisely where you are now.

Why do you think your son cried for three days; its probably because his life at home is so awful. You do not have to argue either in front of your DS for him to pick up on all the vibes between you and this selfish manchild either; sound after all travels.

List what's good about him
List what's bad about him

I like being on my own sometimes but know I don't want to be on my own and if my partner goes away for a day or couple of days I look forward to when she comes back.

If your partner went away for days, how would you feel?

Some abusive people are quite plausible to those in the outside world but even then the mask can slip because its an act they cannot keep up. One or two of your friends likely have their own private suspicions about him.

In the longer term I would strongly suggest you enrol yourself on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme because men like the one you are shackled to take an awful long time to recover from.

He is also not a good dad to his children if he treats you with such contempt either. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Off the main issue which is obvious to all previous posters as well but why Bath the boy in the morning? Do it at night as a lovely bonding time and then one less thing to be refused about in the morning.

Value yourself as he doesn't value you and he's abusing your son too.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I don't know why I am afraid of being single, I guess I just am. I love him deeply and I just wish he would give the same love back to me that I give to him, even when we are on bad terms, I still make drinks for him, cook for him, iron his clothes etc. Things haven't always been like this between us, I guess he has changed since I become pregnant, he never wanted children he gave me our first child because I wanted to be a mother, and he wasn't very too happy when I told him that I was pregnant with the new baby.

@mrholmes I can not list any good things about him right now, and speaking of him going away for a few days over the past 4 months he has taken 3 holidays with his friends.

I just hope that things get better.

So what made you decide he would be a good father to your children then? I mean there must have been something as you're pregnant.

@neonrainbow because he was a good person (to me) and he is a good father I don't know whether he is acting like this because he doesn't want to be with me, he just has me really very vulnerable at the moment.

He sounds like an absolute pain in the arse. Whether you love him or not he's not enriching anyone's life, is he? You and your child(ren) would have a happier life alone, I think.

If your partner is not enhancing your life then you are depriving yourself of a good decent relationship; this one sounds bloody awful, nearly 6 pregnant and he sits and watches you do everything, why on earth do you even want to continue with him?

How many times must we read, he's an abusive arsehole but good with the kids, no he is not, a good man would not make your son cry because life at home is so bloody strained; thanks to HIM.

Just because you love someone it doesn't mean they're good for you. Think of it as an addiction - sometimes you need to stop doing something that you think you love, in order to lead a healthy and happy life.

"I don't know why I am afraid of being single, I guess I just am. I love him deeply and I just wish he would give the same love back to me that I give to him, even when we are on bad terms, I still make drinks for him, cook for him, iron his clothes etc. Things haven't always been like this between us, I guess he has changed since I become pregnant, he never wanted children he gave me our first child because I wanted to be a mother, and he wasn't very too happy when I told him that I was pregnant with the new baby".

I think you need to really think about why you are so afraid to be single or on your own. That has come from somewhere, where exactly?.

I bet he was charm personified when you met him wasn't he and could not do enough for you. He targeted you really because you are afraid of being single and he sensed that desperation from you a mile off. Not at all surprised that he changed for the worst when you became pregnant, that is often a flashpoint for abusive relationships.
You also read like his skivvy and or domestic appliance; he does none of these things for you and thinks you're a right mug.

Now you have two children by him. How can you state he is a good dad?. Women in poor relationships often write such rubbish when they can themselves say nothing at all positive about their man. As yet again is the case here.

Things are patently not going to get any better for you and in the meantime as well your children will also get the fallout from your dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. Your eldest child is already unhappy at school because life at home is really shit for him.

I would also think you are confusing love with co-dependency.

Your ds crying for 3 days vs staying together because he's a "good father" - something doesn't add up here.

1. How does him being a good parent display itself?

1. Why does he have to be in a relationship with you to continue to be a "good father" ?

What you have all said is true, I can no longer be in denial about everything, which I am, I need to be honest to myself.

Now the next step for me is to end this relationship, but I don't know how to...

Womens Aid and the Rights of Women would be worth contacting. He is financially responsible for his children.

What is the situation re the property and finances?

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for the advice it is appreciated, I will not be contacting WomansAid there isn't no reason for me to do so.

The house is in his Fathers name due to other reasons, I doubt DP will ask us to leave, if he does I will cross that bridge when we come to it.