Selfish DP

[ThatWouldBeGreat]

Morning everyone,

I am just really irritated at the moment, I don't have anyone in RL that I want to openly discuss this with as I am the person that everyone comes to when they've got problems.

The issue is DP and his very selfish ways, I am 5 months pregnant and he is not being supportive at all, it is almost as if he doesn't care, he was awake at 6am this morning all I asked him to do is get DS5 ready for school meaning, give him breakfast, bath him and get him dressed he replied with "I've got a headache" I left him in bed asleep and now I've come home he is not here, but he supposedly has a head ache.

I am not going to drip feed - our relationship is not the best, every time he have an argument or a disagreement he ignores me for days, the arguing doesn't happen in front of DS, but before he broke up for half-term he had cried in school for three consecutive days but would not tell his teacher or me why, I don't know why this is because he enjoys going to school and on the way he is happy and talkative.

To be honest I don't really know what kind of advice I want, but he feels good to let it out.

Thanks for listening/reading this.

You'll have to leave when you end the relationship.

I don't think it will come to me having to leave.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

No advice just because I'm in such a similar situation. I hope we can both find the strength we need to move on with our lives.

I know you're afraid of being on your own. Being pregnant makes you feel even more vulnerable. Going through the labour etc on your own must be a daunting thought. However, he doesn't help you out now anyways. Sounds like you are 'on your own' and a single parent anyway.
Its hard making that final decision though but only you can reach that final breaking point.

Just thought I would update you all, I have spoken to him, he said that he doesn't want to us to break up and that he wants me to stop behaving like a children, that's the reason behind why he ignores me for days, and that I need to change my ways

He said that I am always worrying about the wrong things, I am never happy and he doesn't believe that I will ever be happy and that he feels as if I don't want him around me, that's why he doesn't like to spend any time in the house.

Maybe I am the one with the problem? He has suggested that we go to relationship therapy and if that doesn't work we will break up.

If you're such a shit partner why does he want to stay with you? Where is your self respect to put up with his crap?

He's basically telling you that it's your fault he's horrible to you, and he'd like you to put in even more effort when you're already the only one putting effort in.

He's really messed your head up.

Let me get this straight. He calls you childish but:

He doesn't do his adult responsibilities.

If you ask him to, he tantrums and stomps off for days.

He sulks and gives you the silent treatment.

... who sounds childish here???

Thanks for taking the time out to reply, I don't know what to do next.

I would suggest that you find your anger and dump him. How DARE he blame you for him treating you like crap? Disgusting.

I'll just see how it goes..

Are you fucking kidding me?

So he's basically projecting all his issues onto you (he's the childish one in this so called partnership) and making it all out to be your fault. This is not a relationship that is a healthy one. This is what abusive people do to their intended target.

Seeing how it goes is not really a good option here for you.

Please listen to the posters here OP. Is he giving you actual examples of your alleged childish behaviour? Asking someone to do some parenting isn't childish. He is treating you with real contempt. This is not the type of role model I would want for my kids to grow up around.

Even if you were childish, he is retaliating childishly BACK to you so his argument makes no sense.

Take it from those who can see this kind of person for what he is: he's telling you to behave yourself and stop making demands on him or he will continue to punish you by sulking. Seriously?

You could tell him that you don't think you are the kind of partner he clearly wants, he isn't yours and it's time to call it a day now before everyone is even more unhappy. You just told each other you weren't happy

"You'll see how it goes"

So he's blaming you. And presumably your child for being upset. Because him being a lazy abusive arse couldn't possibly be the reason.

He's done the classic abusers trick of making you think his appalling behaviour to you is your fault.

No.

He is responsible for his behaviour.

He is making your child's home life so miserable he's in tears at school.

Your other alternative is to stop asking him to do anything at all, allow him to do as he pleases, raise the children he generously 'let you have that he didn't want' by yourself whilst he dips in and out as he pleases. He can leave when things get hard for a few days and you live alone not knowing when he will come back - so you try harder to change and tell more lies to your little boy who cries at school because he is unhappy.

That is what he is asking you for

Thanks again for your replies, my mind is not in the right place at the moment I feel as if I am emotionally drained.

I can admit that I do worry a lot and I've also got OCD, today has started of ok he took DS to school which is rare so maybe he will start to change his ways.

Wow - so he abuses you and ignores you (like a fucking child) and yet you are behaving like a child?
Seriously, he's deflecting it all back on you.
This will never work because he can't see he's doing anything wrong.
And he IS!!!!!!!!
Please kick him out now.
Joint counselling will not help.
Counselling on your own, to understand why you feel so desperate to hang on to a loser is definitely something you need though!

Jeeeeezzz... He's done a right number on you.
Do NOT doubt yourself.
This is HIM - ALL HIM!!!

@hellsbellsmelons I can't kick him out of the house because this is not my house, I think I need some time alone to think about everything, I will tell him this when he gets home.

So his abuse of you continues then; OP up to you but he will say whatever nasty thing he can because he does and you are still there accepting it.

There is only one answer and you do know what to do.

And no he won't change his ways just because he takes his son to school, I think you are still in complete denial of your living situation and what your poor son is having to witness, poor kid.

OP can I ask, why on earth would you continue to cook for him and iron his shirts when he can't even do you the basic human courtesy of talking to you?

Stop doing that right away. If he can't bring himself to acknowledge your existence because he's having a tantrum, then don't put yourself out by doing things for him.

If he calls you childish for this, tell him that you will not cater for someone that treats you with less respect than he would for someone serving him coffee in a cafe.

Oh dear. Well, there will always be someone here to listen when he hurts you again.

I know it feels as if I am not taking the advice given to me, but I am just scared of being alone, let me give you a bit of a back story, the last guy who I was with cheated on me, I found out when the other woman called me, I was distraught reason being that he went to prison and I made sure that he had everything whilst he was locked up (I didn't visit him whilst he was in there, I just couldn't bring myself to it) I spent my own money hiring one of the best barristers, he was later found not guilty. A few months later he came and apologised and said that he regretted it and that he will leave me to be happy because I deserve better than him.

I am a good person, I would give anything to anyone, I do have my moments sometimes but don't we all.

DP has cheated on me as well he confessed when DS was just over one years of age, he said the cheating happened when me and him weren't getting on too well, I forgave him, and when we have our disagreements I never ever mention what he did to me.

I am 26 years of age and with another child on the way and I feel as if we were to break up I would never be able to find happiness with someone else.

@AngelsSins I continue to do all those things for him because I always have.

Unfortunately you being a good person has only meant his abuse and manipulation of you has been met with compliance; I don't think you even realise how fucked up your relationship is; he's cheated and tells you that's your fault also.

Until you actually love yourself you will probably continue to allow him to use you as his emotional punch bag and only 26 OP, a big life out there for you that does not involve a nasty man putting you down, because he can.