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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I on the wrong track?

64 replies

Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 01:41

oh dear. I can't get anything right. Bf has stormed off saying I'm ungrateful and treat him like a cunt and has told me to fuck off , I'm so upset, I don't know how to do it. He's the moodiest bloke I've ever met and says nobody has ever made him feel as shit as I do etc
I do nothing but support him and make time for him to the detriment of my health and include him in our lives and make allowances for him constantly. Sorry I'm so upset and waiting for my painkillers to kick in so I can go to sleep. I fucking hate men sometimes & hate wasting my energy crying about him, being exhausted by him when I'm trying to be a good mum to my kids . I don't know what to do, it's like he always sabotaged 'us' everytime we're getting on.
I have debilitating illness and this is taking it out of me. He helps out with chores (he's always at mine so tbf I think he bloody well should help) but he only does chores of his choosing, not the ones I ask him to or the ones I need him to.
We had a crap weekend cos of his moodiness, stayed at mine but refused to come to bed which gave me an unsettled night, by 430 am he still hadn't come up so went home instead as I didn't want him lying around in bed all day when I have kids in the house. So last night he turns up, 9ish. he started doing chores, I'd asked him not to, by 11 I was fucked and said I'm going to bed so he stormed off.
Tonight, came over late again (kids had been looking forward to seeing him on all these nights where he turned up late.
Anyway tonight as usia shattered and in pain, plus upset how short this attitude is, explained (again) how I wanted his company not him just cleaning my kitchen and not coming anywhere near me so he lost the plot and said his m is v worried about him cos of how the relationship is stressing him out.
He now says he's had a lot on his mind which is why he's not coming to bed. Feel free to ignore btw I'm Rambling and emotional!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 01:43

I should add: he's v stubborn and misinterpret everything I say. When I explain my boundaries or expectations he says I'm being nasty but honestly I am just being clear and upfront about my expectations .

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 01:48

He said painting him as an abuser due to his silent treatment or getting angry with me and leaving Me to guess is wrong. He said he's treading on eggshells round me but that's how I feel around him.
Is counselling worth it or is this a dead end street?

OP posts:
RedDahlia · 05/06/2017 01:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 02:05

I'm scared of letting go as I struggle on my own and have invested so much into this , incorporated him fully into our lives.
When it's good between us it's everything I dreamed off, romantic, loving, loads of laughs and able to talk about any subject under the sun. The sex is fab and after a long period of single parenting and ill health it's been fab having someone in my corner as I have no family support due to estrangement related to parental mh issues.
I was so fucking lonely before but now feel equally as lonely, stifled and held back by him. He's lazy and has huge (undisclosed but blatantly obvious) social anxiety.
You are right, I'm too scared to make the leap and I know he'll make me look bad to all his friends and family.
He's very popular and wel loved by everyone .

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 02:06

Ps RedDahlia thanks for the flowers. I feel so lost Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 02:08

I have cried all weekend. I'm juggling so much it's untrue. He's juggling precisely nothing. He's v bitter about having no kids of his own which I feel he takes out on me. He lost a child a long time ago and has never got over it. And is not happy in himself at all.

OP posts:
TrishanFlips · 05/06/2017 02:09

Flowers doesn't sound very good. Probably best to split up.

Original poster
Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 02:13

trishan just so confused. Is counselling worth s try or is it too late? We are crap at communicating/arguing and always one of us storms off (usually him) then all contact stops for ages. I end up chasing him so he 'wins' and continues to behave the same way as I always take him back and try harder next time.

OP posts:
avamiah · 05/06/2017 02:14

I think you need to take a break from each other.

AdalindSchade · 05/06/2017 02:30

He sounds emotionally abusive so counselling would be a total waste of time and money and probably make things worse.
You have to let go of the fantasy that he's a good boyfriend and makes you happy. That's blatantly not true.

TheNaze73 · 05/06/2017 08:16

I can't see what either of you are getting from this. It sounds toxic

AlternativeTentacle · 05/06/2017 08:32

I always take him back and try harder next time.

This is text book abuser training. He is training you to accept more and more shit each time. How is being single not better than this?

Original poster
Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 08:40

Thank u guys. He always makes me out to be the bad person and says I'm abusive and he's never had this in a relationship before and that I am the one who is abusing him. It's not fair. Every time I stand up for myself or challenge him he gets angry, says I'm being nasty etc
I also don't want to look a failure to the outside world as my relationship track record is shit. I never listen to my instincts preferring to let men tell me I'm wrong

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LesisMiserable · 05/06/2017 09:06

Oh for God's sake give it a rest with this "hes training you" lark! The relationship has come to breaking point on more than one occasion by the sounds, why? Because it doesnt work for either of them so they split then OP by her own volition goes begging back for more so any 'abuse' she's suffering I'm afraid is at her own hands at this point. Let him stay gone OP, you're TERRIBLE together.

SandyY2K · 05/06/2017 09:06

This relationship sounds awful. If he's accusing you of being abusive, you should end it. I couldn't be with a man who accused me of abusing him.

It sounds to a large part, that you need his physical help around your home, but it's not worth it.

You need to go it alone with your children and look into other methods of coping.

You might require a handyman to do some tasks that you can't do.

Original poster
Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 09:39

sandyy2k I pay cleaner and someone to my laundry and call in handy'men' , he does not like doing diy and told me from day one he will never do diy plus gets angry when I have to do the chores around him on 'our time'
Yes it is horrible to be accused of abusing somebody and knowing that his family is concerned about him because of me. I am questioning myself now but I know I'm not abusive I have just tried to have boundaries with somebody who's sole purpose seems to be to trample them down.

lesismiserable nice summary, nobody deserves to be abused, sometimes people are in dangerously abusive relationships because it crept up on them subtly.

A little empathy goes a long way, have u any idea what it feels like to be alone with small children, managing disabilities and chronic pain?

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 05/06/2017 09:44

Chronic pain and small children - yes. Also being in a relationship that doesnt work - yes. He doesn't make you happy, why do you keep going back to him so he can make you unhappy some more?

Original poster
Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 09:47

I guess I'm just thinking aloud here but trying to get my thoughts straight, the relationship has really derailed me in terms of health and running a home and parenting.
He gets annoyed if I want to go to sleep at a normal time so I've stayed up late on numerous occasions to appease him.
He drinks and smokes loads, I have drank way more and smoked way more than I should since being with him & can see the physical damage in my face. Not his fault directly but indirectly his poor health and diet and lifestyle have impacted on mine, I was almost vegan and slim when we met, I'm not overweight and looking rough
Staying up late impacted on my health, how I care for kids, my mental health etc (existing mental health problems too) .

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 05/06/2017 09:48

If you didn't go after him he would probably leave you alone for good and thats what you are afraid of isnt it. I do empathise but really, if he treats you so awfully, stop going back for more - its like hitting yourself in the face repeatedly! The pain of splitting finally will be awful but it will be far better than replaying the same old shit over and over again then complaining about it like you couldn't have foreseen it.

TheFaerieQueene · 05/06/2017 09:48

You are struggling with him. You might well struggle without him, but you will have peace of mind.

JennyHolzersGhost · 05/06/2017 09:48

Oh just dump him, life's too short to put up with all this shit. It's really not that bad being single you know, certainly not worth putting up with this much grief and hassle.

LesisMiserable · 05/06/2017 09:49

OP, its the worst splitting up, it really is. But its better than this.

Original poster
Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 09:50

lesis I don't know, I grew up that way watching my m do it over and over and swore I would never be like her. He presents well on the surface, has a responsible job, intelligent and insightful and there's a huge physical connection plus I struggle with loneliness. I don't know why I'm making such a mug of myself but I'm really desperate for it to change.
If u can imagine, a relationship seems to have so much going for it 'if only a, b and c' and I keep believing that a, b and c will happen 'if only I did this' he would see and change things.
I know I'm being a twat. I don't know how to change it, im weak, on loads of drugs and have nobody in my corner. I guess I'm between a rock and a hard place and can't see a way out or a way of existing without somebody to back me up even if that someone is mean and makes me feel like shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellyheadbang · 05/06/2017 09:52

I know you are all right. I have been on my own for four years prior to this so it's not as tho I can't do it. I can and I do it well. He lives minutes from my house which doesn't help.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 05/06/2017 09:54

It is excruciating, been there. Unfortunately the only way out is to be pragmatic. Yes if a, b and c were different it would be sunshine and rainbows - but there we are, it is what it is. As my lovely male best friend succinctly said to me about my ex "put up or shut up". Your life is bigger and about more than this one man. He's but a chapter not a plotline Wink