Am I on the wrong track?

[Jellyheadbang]

oh dear. I can't get anything right. Bf has stormed off saying I'm ungrateful and treat him like a cunt and has told me to fuck off , I'm so upset, I don't know how to do it. He's the moodiest bloke I've ever met and says nobody has ever made him feel as shit as I do etc
I do nothing but support him and make time for him to the detriment of my health and include him in our lives and make allowances for him constantly. Sorry I'm so upset and waiting for my painkillers to kick in so I can go to sleep. I fucking hate men sometimes & hate wasting my energy crying about him, being exhausted by him when I'm trying to be a good mum to my kids . I don't know what to do, it's like he always sabotaged 'us' everytime we're getting on.
I have debilitating illness and this is taking it out of me. He helps out with chores (he's always at mine so tbf I think he bloody well should help) but he only does chores of his choosing, not the ones I ask him to or the ones I need him to.
We had a crap weekend cos of his moodiness, stayed at mine but refused to come to bed which gave me an unsettled night, by 430 am he still hadn't come up so went home instead as I didn't want him lying around in bed all day when I have kids in the house. So last night he turns up, 9ish. he started doing chores, I'd asked him not to, by 11 I was fucked and said I'm going to bed so he stormed off.
Tonight, came over late again (kids had been looking forward to seeing him on all these nights where he turned up late.
Anyway tonight as usia shattered and in pain, plus upset how short this attitude is, explained (again) how I wanted his company not him just cleaning my kitchen and not coming anywhere near me so he lost the plot and said his m is v worried about him cos of how the relationship is stressing him out.
He now says he's had a lot on his mind which is why he's not coming to bed. Feel free to ignore btw I'm Rambling and emotional!

what you might find is once you start putting in boundaries is things may start to change anyway. people like this don't like boundaries as it feels like a loss of control and so you start to see a range of behaviours designed to get you back in line. this will usually involve things which have worked previously at first, and then develop into other attempts - perhaps pleading, anger, ignoring, love bombing, guilting (saying how much you are hurting them etc), promises to change etc - literally anything.

if you are able to resist these attempts, you may then begin to see quite quickly that they usually have very little proper meaning behind them and any efforts to follow through on them are very short lived and shallow.

also, if you decide to go back and give it another chance then things usually revert to the way they were very quickly and often get worse as the safety of the relationship is now even more comprised so the control is stepped up a level.

you may not realise it yet, but you are facing a golden opportunity to break free of this bullshit. and you may well find he doesn't seem quite so attractive once you're no longer on his emotional 'hook'.

DancingGoose excellent post. Made me tear up and get a lump in my throat
We have split and got back together numerous times. This is my pattern I'm afraid, I realise early on when someone is wrong for me and then spend the rest of the time expecting them to change all the while putting up with more and more crap until I fall apart and eventually end it cos I can't take anymore
I just realised he's one in a long list of people this has happened with.
I know what's right and wrong in a relationship. I know what's acceptable I think I just get blurred vision when I fall in love/lust.
It's almost unfair on them as they're not right for me in the first place I should cut it off asap instead of getting more attached and expecting things to improve and forgetting the adage re leopards and spots

i'm exactly the same. except i don't think it's all down to me. i think it's two people coming together both looking to fill that basic emotional need through each other. even though perhaps rationally you know you are not compatible and something isnt feeling quite right, in another way it feels soooo right!! it fills you up emotionally and feels so wonderful. this connection is so powerful and amazing. it's like the most basic human thing ever - every cell in your body yearns for that person!

it's only when the shitty behaviour starts coming through that we start to question it. and by that point it's hard to just walk away. i think it's been likened to taking cocaine so no wonder it's so hard to give up

give yourself a break and take a deep breath. you haven't done anything wrong. you met a guy, connected and gave it your best shot. okay so he turned out to be a dud but you've recognised that and now you are on the path to giving him up. give yourself a clap on the back and tell the nasty voice in your head which is trying to convince you it's all your fault to shut the fuck up.

Wow! So glad it's not just me. Yes that emotional sexual rollercoaster is ridiculously addictive.
I really appreciate what you're saying, I have been beating myself up about this and my track record. As my health deteriorates I'm finding life so hard to manage and the thought of being forever alone as I go more downhill is terrifying.
I cannot manage my home, kids and job as it is. I can't not work as I'm paying a mortgage but it's getting harder and harder to juggle everythibg.
I really wanted this to be it so I could get a break but I put all my hopes into a fantasy.
I really do not know how to cope with this next phase of my life without a person doing it with me

Thing is, a relationship like that with so much angst won't improve your health or make your life easier. he won't be the man to help you out when you need him to. i think perhaps it's worth really taking the time to let that sink in and face any sadness this brings you. i'm sorry - i know how painful it is - but you will feel better, stronger and more confident in yourself once you can accept this.

i've realised that i also am also vulnerable to those intense, emotionally powerful and all encompassing relationships. i both love them and hate them. but i no longer believe it will evolve into something strong and deep. it fulfils a need and that's it. so that's where taking the time to be alone is worthwhile - to get to a place when you value your life enough that it's no longer worth sacrificing it for that crazy 'love'.

it sounds like you are going through a particularly tough time and need support. do you have other people you can call on to help you?

I have nobody, no family support and all my friends are in their own life bubbles
I do pay for help with my low rate dla but am massively skint at the mo.
As well as draining me emotionally matey was draining me financially too in terms of his expectations of me so hopefully now he's gone I'll get back on top of finances.
My admin and household management completely fell apart because he was either sapping my time or my energy so now I have time to make it better again.

You said in an earlier post you know you can look after yourself and your kids and do it well. don't lose sight of that.

do the basics like food, washing etc when you feel up to it. make sure your kids are okay. work out what's important and give yourself a break over the rest. you will do it when you can.

let yourself grieve without the self blame. you sound like someone who tends to blame themselves and struggles to let go of past 'failures' which then affects future decisions. blaming yourself will make the whole process 10x more tortuous and you will just end up doubting if you're doing the right thing. you will sabotage yourself.

firstly realise no one else in the world gives a shit about your relationships because everyone else is too busy worrying about their own lives. secondly who defines what a failure is anyway? you just had loads of fantastic sex with a gorgeous man...even if he was a dick..ha so what? force yourself to reframe things in your mind. ditch the self blame and horrible triggering words like failure and should have don't x y z earlier - honestly it's pointless and just holds you back. i bet he's not blaming himself. channel that energy into the things you like about self - and yes there will be some.

Thank you thank you thank you. I'm a big believer in self compassion and in being kind to yourself. I lost sight of this so your reminder is timely. Tomoro I hope will be a better day

So over night he has 'unfriended' me on fb. He sent a message saying I should be relieved, but I'm actually sad as that connection is now clearly severed but also he had lots of exes on there as friends including the wife who hurt him so badly (apparently) and altered the course of his life irretrievably. Probably feels weird as it was my first ever public online relationship so all our shred friends have watched it play out...
Ah well...

Just block him, he doesnt give a fuck about you and probably only stayed as long as he did for the sex on tap. Time for you to block and stop worrying what he's doing, who he has on Facebook

KinkyAfro of course you're right! Why am I fussing about this? He has probably only done it to get a reaction anyway!

How are you doing OP?

Hey DancingGoose I'm ok ta , am feeling a lot brighter, really tied up with Election stuff and job applications and house sorting and making time for the kids. Should really be in bed now but my brain is buzzing at the mo!
Still missing you know who, he came to collect some stuff which was really hard as I got emotional but hid it from him but also confusingly got the raging horn. Honestly if he was here now I'd go for it despite everything so am having to stay really strong and focussed. Thanks so much for checking in with me xxx

I've felt that way too. It's like a complete disconnect between mind and body. It's probably some sort of evolutionary attachment bonding response - especially if he's an alpha male type!!

I hope you're feeling a bit better in yourself and like life is becoming easier to cope with.