Am I on the wrong track?

[Jellyheadbang]

oh dear. I can't get anything right. Bf has stormed off saying I'm ungrateful and treat him like a cunt and has told me to fuck off , I'm so upset, I don't know how to do it. He's the moodiest bloke I've ever met and says nobody has ever made him feel as shit as I do etc
I do nothing but support him and make time for him to the detriment of my health and include him in our lives and make allowances for him constantly. Sorry I'm so upset and waiting for my painkillers to kick in so I can go to sleep. I fucking hate men sometimes & hate wasting my energy crying about him, being exhausted by him when I'm trying to be a good mum to my kids . I don't know what to do, it's like he always sabotaged 'us' everytime we're getting on.
I have debilitating illness and this is taking it out of me. He helps out with chores (he's always at mine so tbf I think he bloody well should help) but he only does chores of his choosing, not the ones I ask him to or the ones I need him to.
We had a crap weekend cos of his moodiness, stayed at mine but refused to come to bed which gave me an unsettled night, by 430 am he still hadn't come up so went home instead as I didn't want him lying around in bed all day when I have kids in the house. So last night he turns up, 9ish. he started doing chores, I'd asked him not to, by 11 I was fucked and said I'm going to bed so he stormed off.
Tonight, came over late again (kids had been looking forward to seeing him on all these nights where he turned up late.
Anyway tonight as usia shattered and in pain, plus upset how short this attitude is, explained (again) how I wanted his company not him just cleaning my kitchen and not coming anywhere near me so he lost the plot and said his m is v worried about him cos of how the relationship is stressing him out.
He now says he's had a lot on his mind which is why he's not coming to bed. Feel free to ignore btw I'm Rambling and emotional!

He always calls me a liar. Denies having been told key information, puts me down subtly and constantly tells me I'm hard work whenever I stand up for myself
When he's angry he's physically intimidating but when I tell him it's scaring me he says I'm being abusive by inventing things that aren't true.
He told me he hopes my next man is happy to do chores for me and then for me to throw them back in his face.
I have never ever done this. He promise to do things for me like now the lawn. I had paid people to do it before, left it as he offered voluntarily. He never did it, got overgrown, I mentioned it and he flew at me asking when do I think he has time to mow lawns.
I asked a firm to do it , they never turned up so frustrated ended up doing it myself he then said I'd done a shit job. It was shit as I can't handle a mower due to joint probs.
Then last week he went to a family members house twice to mow their lawn and said how grateful his family member was. It didn't make any sense to me, why make me wait for months then berate me for taking it in hand & for asking for help then volunteer to go and do somebody else's who is young and not disabled?
I know I'm going on here but I have nowhere else to take this stuff. Sorry .

lesis he's not even worth a halter of my life. Me and my kids are worth more and much more than he deserves with his spoilt bastard behaviour.
He has no idea of the real world for a single parent like me. Lives like a teenager when he's not working. Everything is everyone else's fault. Thank you for being so patient and upfront with me. I should be working but instead am snotting everywhere and on mumsnet.

*chapter, not halter.....

I ended up sacking off work today due to pain and sadness and extreme fatigue, have slept on sofa and eaten the kids' biscuits. Feel in agony and keep crying at the mistakes I've made and how I ignored every instinct in order to make this work.

Seriously, the only thing to do is to end it and end it today. I've seen many many threads like yours and they usually go the same way. Message after message detailing all the problems, just like you've done and often ending with "you're right I need to end it". Then their back the next day having not ended it, or back a few weeks later or few months later literally saying pretty much the same things. And the cycle repeats. Come here, vent, get sympathy and encouragement to go but never do anything.

The ONLY thing to do is to END it. TODAY. Not tomorrow, or next week, but TODAY and not to accept him back again. You have kids to think about, not just yourself, so be strong and do it. You've been single before you can do it again. Break the cycle or this will be your way of life for years and your kids will learn how to be in a bad relationship. Be a better parent than that. Teach them what not to accept. But do not put it off. You won't do it otherwise.

Haha ShatnersWig (does he wear a wig?) I too have seen those threads and been so frustrated with the op when they go back to them time and again.
Honestly, this thread is really helping me to see the futility of the relationship and I keep listing the shit as it's cathartic for me really. I've slept most of today and keep crying but the crying is partly due to anger with myself for once again ignoring my instincts and anger at him for being so horrible to me when I keep bending over backwards to make him feel special and loved etc
I am angry at myself for being such a mug
TBH he ended it last night when he left telling me to fuck off etc as a pp posted, I cannot be with someone who says they're treading on eggshells cos of me, I'm treading on eggshells cos of him , he does not temper his behaviour or attitude for anyone so I know he's a big bullshitter.

It's a lot easier said than done, not going back for more pain
Seriously you need some counselling ASAP
You need to work out about your boundaries for your own good

Think of it like being an addict
You need to go cold turkey, but that might not be possible to do without help and true insightful understanding of yourself

If you feel a failure then it's easier sometimes to prove that fact right than try and deal with the truth for yourself
Get a therapist tomorrow. There are ones that might give you a reduced rate if you need it
But you do bloody need it

I say this as someone who has repeated a vicious cycle for years and I heard but didn't really listen to what everyone for whom it was so blindingly obvious, could see.

I was seeing an amazing therapist doing really good work ref boundaries when I was divorcing, it was at my family centre. Virgin care took over and counselling funding was cut and I lost the amazing insightful counsellor.
I then tried two different ones through work health package, they were both shockingly bad in different ways but funny enough both to do with boundaries.
Then secured emdr therapy through Nhs for a specific trauma related to my divorce and boundary issues. The emdr was fab, I really got on top of stuff then this happened.
I'm wary of opening up to another counsellor after the shitty two I had. Nhs in my area always offer cbt first. From reading my posts you'd think cbt would benefit me but icons it really unhelpful and have done it three times
I feel like a lost cause, I don't want to model this for my kids tho.

Holdingonbarely what was your lightbulb moment or 'rock bottom'?

Can I say, readingthat back, I feel like a cunt. I had all that help and now back to square one. What a fucking douche.

You seem to have learnt about boundaries so counselling was not a waste however you need reinforcement on what to do when boundaries crossed.You want to be reasonable but he doesn't..its as simple as that.You can reason with him therefore you have to walk.There is no other alternative, except tolerating him overriding you.

In your heart you are hoping he will wake up and change but you will just have to accept that he won't change..he likes what he does, he enjoys the power.The stuff over mowing tbe lawn was petty and manipulative.It was game playing to put you in your place and show you he's a nice guy (to others) so therefore you must be the issue.

Abusers often feel they are being abused (had the exact same with stbxh) because they don't respect your boundaries and therefore you are hurting them as it impacts their sense of entitlement.My stbxh would say I couldn't say No to him as it hurt his feelings...to him it was genuine hurt and I was totally unreasonable.

You just need to trust that it's him not you, follow through on breakup and congratulate yourself on taking action.
You will know better next time and see red flags quicker.

Is there any chance you could afford to go back to the person that really helped you.
And you're not a douche at all.
It's bloody hard work and anyone who thinks it isn't is the real douche

Hermonie2016 I didn't see it that way re lawn, no wonder it confused me, thank u.
He has been in touch now by text and said he's sorry for our poor communication making things so disastrous . I responded by saying he's right, if I'm making him so unhappy that we are better off apart and he responded with 'why are you intent on pushing me away?'
After him telling me to fuck off last night and hoped I'd find a man who can put up with being treated like crap.
I am upset and angry but I know I can't go on in this pushme/pullyou scenario, it's making me physically ill.
He's like a spoilt child with some syndrome where he feels he's the king and deserves to be worshipped and obeyed at all times.

Holdingonbarely I can't go back to previous therapist as she's not from my town and tbh I was such a mess then I don't remember her name!
Emdr would be hard to get again as well as my traumatising situation has been supposedly dealt with.
Thank u for not calling me a douche.
I saw all his red flags from v early on and challenged and challenged instead of walking away.
He's super hot , I have women congratulating me on snaring him , honestly, quite frequently , if only they knew and as I said before , he's super clever and creative, I found him stimulating in a lot of ways which I have not had with a man for a very long time.
I am v alone in my life so I guess I put up with a lot for the company

OP Narcs often are charming and good looking but sadly it's like painting a turd gold. Just because it's all shiny doesn't mean it's anything more than a pile of shit! He is abusing you, gaslighting you, making you feel like you're the one who needs to fix things. You need to end it properly, then you will see from the nastiness that will appear just what he is really like as a person.

You are vulnerable which is what attracted him no doubt, and yet you aware of his behaviours and he hates that. He is trying every trick to manipulate, control you and blame you.

I would be seriously worried for your mental health if you carry on with this toxic relationship. So please look after yourself and your family and wave this cruel man goodbye for good. Concentrate on yourself, eat better, get the rest you need, drink and smoke less and see your health pick up.

If you persist in bending over backwards, you will break. He isn't worth it.

Yes I have to say he sounds like a total manipulator
He is going to try his best to get you reeled back in.
2 years I did the push pull. I recently had to reload my iPad and a years worth of messages came back that I had thought I'd deleted it was just :
I love you, you don't understand (him) you should be happy with someone else (him) me saying no I am happy with you, Im sorry I got upset with you Etc etc
You get the picture.
What a fucking waste of time. Life is so short

RedastheRose Holdingonbarely beachcomber243 thank u. I hate to think of myself as vulnerable but sad to say I think I am. That's not who I want to be.
I'm all about strength , feminism but I think illness plus my upbringing have shaped me into this weak person who I dislike immensely.
I had tried hard to see the best in him but I know he has low self image so how on earth can he be any good for me if he doesn't like or respect himself?
My back is my main pain area so the image of my back breaking for him really hits home.
He's so loving and gentle when things are good but there is a real sting in the tail when angry and the way he looks at me scares me then.
He's similar physically to my dad who's a nasty manipulative alcoholic. They have similar eyes and when he's angry it takes me back to the place of being frightened of my dad threatening to set me alight.
He is horrified when I say his anger scares me, he's big and I'm little, his voice is loud and deep and when angry he's intimidating and overwhelming. He has massive presence and intellectual prowess having worked in psychology etc.

It's not your fault you are vulnerable, we all try and be strong when sometimes we aren't
But he's taken advantage of that and that is not love
Someone who loved you wouldn't do that
And I sort of get the feeling you know it in your heart but don't want to admit it. Because perhaps admitting it means it was all for nothing
It wasn't all for nothing. It will be part of you and you can make that a positive.
I believe you can anyway!

Holdingonbarely apart from my marriage which produced my amazing children, I have never had a relationship that wasn't a complete waste of my time and energy.
Pretty much every relationship has been either abusive or codependent, I don't seem any further forward than I was at 20 (I'm now 45) except now I have kids to factor into it
I think I need to really apply myself to being single. I absolutely love having sex tho and the physical presence of a man

Ps thank u so much for your kind words, I've felt such a schmuck and expected a flaming on here, everyone has been lovely x

Because you're clearly are lovely yourself and need to know it!!!
I understand the physicality of a man, and how that makes you feel. But being on your own might not be a bad thing for a while
And you've got amazing DC. That's something to be proud of.

when angry and the way he looks at me scares me

he is horrified when I say his anger scares me
This was exactly what it felt like for me, when I realised I felt scared I knew I had to walk.I am a strong woman and don't scare easily and a decent man would be reassuring.With stbxh it was all about his feelings, how me feeling scared reflected on him.

When you feel frequently "confused" in a relationship and you don't have communication issues with other people, it's not YOU!

Like you stbxh and I had a very good physical relationship, the attraction didn't fade after many years.We had a very good life, our children were thriving, lovely home etc but it was a dysfunctional relationship and I couldn't make it better on my own.

I believe you are growing and moving forwards and each relationship teaches you something new.Don't see it as failure but as developing.I would have liked a stable, healthy marriage but it wasn't to be.Having had this relationship I know I am more empathic to others and equally value my good friends more.I suspect I was naive and too trusting and maybe now I am wiser.
Find the positive rather than beat yourself up.

Thanks hermonie I will try and find the positive. I appreciate you sharing. It must have been hard for you to let go of stbxh if the physical attraction didn't fade?
That's the bit that confuses me. He messaged me tonight asking how it can be all over 'because of stupid argument' when we have such amazing physical connection. I told him connection means nothing when everything else is shit but honestly if he was here now I'd shag him in a second
I'm going to have to be so boundaries and keep reading in here, what I've written and people's responses to remind me of how shit he makes me feel (& of course how shit I make him feel) and the detrimental effect on my health and my parenting.