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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Missing family that I'm NC with.

53 replies

CaulkheadUpNorf · 04/06/2017 20:35

If you're NC with family, do you miss them? Does that stop or do you just accept that you miss them and just live with it?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 04/06/2017 20:37

I am NC with one member of the family. Their behaviour was so bloody awful that I don't miss them at all. They honestly brought nothing good to my life. Hence the NC!

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorf · 04/06/2017 20:39

I think I miss having a family rather than my actual parents as the people they are.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 04/06/2017 20:39

I don't miss them. They treated me badly and when I look back there is nothing good to remember. The best treatment they ever managed was indifference.

kittybiscuits · 04/06/2017 20:40

That's not missing them. That's wishing you had a proper, loving, supportive family Flowers

ems137 · 04/06/2017 20:40

I'm NC with 3 of my siblings. I have moments where I miss them and think it would be nice for them to be involved in my life etc.

We've been NC for 15 months, my youngest child is 21 months and I'm heavily pregnant. It's definitely a massive shame that we all miss out on that family relationship BUT there were very very good reasons for NC in the first place. I just keep reminding myself of this when I have these moments.

I remember having a lot more stress in my life when they were involved in it and I can honestly say that the last 15 months have been so much less stressful.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorf · 04/06/2017 20:42

It was definitely more stressful and much harder to be in contact with them. I know I've done the right thing. It's just that weird bit of feeling a bit lonely and thinking "this is when other people would call their parents for a chat" or something like that.

OP posts:
Lissette · 04/06/2017 20:44

I miss the theory of family Caulk but the family I have, have caused so much trauma that I don't miss them. I think I have emotionally disengaged from them.

Lissette · 04/06/2017 20:45

And yes, I do feel a bit lonely at times and without support.

Wolfiefan · 04/06/2017 20:45

But would you actually have been able to call them? I agree. It's more the mourning the fact you don't have a happy and healthy relationship with family. It's not actually missing THEM.
Sorry OP. It's horrid.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorf · 04/06/2017 20:48

I wouldnt have called them. Mourning is probably a better word, but it feels harder to use it as I could contact them. Mourning makes it feel like grief.

OP posts:
Anditstartsagain · 04/06/2017 20:50

I'm NC with my dad it makes me sad he isn't a better person or father and wish I had a good dad. My closest friend has a great dad when she talks about him sometimes it hurts to know that I won't ever have that.

Lissette · 04/06/2017 20:52

I feel it is like grief. I've just spent most of the last year trying to work through it slowly. I can't remain in an abusive familial relationship and I want them to treat me better. But that's not going to happen so I've had to work through the grief for a lost relationship. At least that's how it's been for me.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorf · 04/06/2017 20:53

I feel jealous that my friends have parents who are different to mine, and that they prioritised other stuff and themselves over me. It just doesn't seem fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorf · 04/06/2017 20:54

(Totally aware of how childish I sound there Blush)

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 04/06/2017 20:54

It is like grief though. Grieving the fact you won't ever have a healthy or even functional relationship with the people who you're supposed to be so close to.

Wolfiefan · 04/06/2017 20:56

X post. Not childish.
It isn't fair. (Now I DO sound childish!)
But it isn't.
I'm at Lissette's stage though. I have felt angry and sad and let down etc etc. Now I kind of don't care about this person. They don't affect my life and my happiness doesn't depend on them.

Lissette · 04/06/2017 20:57

It's not childish. A relationship is a two way thing and we are primed to respond to our primary caregivers. Some parents muck it up. Mine were so consumed with not getting on that every relationship became dysfunctional. It's not your fault OP.

Lissette · 04/06/2017 21:00

'change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable' Grin my motto now

SexNamesRFab · 04/06/2017 21:06

I've been LC with my sister, after a violent incident between her and my mother in my house at Xmas, and yes I miss her and my nephews more every day. Saying that, I just can't get my head around wanting to be in the same room with her again in the foreseeable future. I'm also in lower contact with my mother.

It really grieves me to see other families enjoying meals/days out together. I feel so sad and ashamed we can't be like that.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorf · 04/06/2017 21:10

I really don't want to see them again. I just didn't think it would sometimes feel as hard to not be in contact as it is sometimes.

I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in this shit though.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 04/06/2017 21:14

You are not alone at all.

Days like these when people are drawn to connect with people they love and who love them can be especially hard.

kittybiscuits · 04/06/2017 21:29

I think it must be harder when you had a very mixed relationship with the person/people you are NC with - not sure though. If there were great times, I can see how you would miss those. I know lots of people with no family. I tend not to compare myself with others. But it is very tough to know that you have no real back up in the world. Not the same for everyone, I know.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorf · 04/06/2017 21:33

It's usually fine, and it's usually something I pride myself on being okay about. It's just sometimes it hits you and I want to have family I'm close to. Or just parents who were actually parents, who cared.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 04/06/2017 21:40

Im NC with my parents and brother. I have been for years. I don't miss them as in who they actually are, but I wish I had a family. In particular since I have had my children I wish I had a mum. Then I remember what my actual mum is like and know I am better off without one.

It gets easier. For the first year I was very upset about the whole thing, but now they are just like some people I used to work with or something, I barely give them a thought.

mistermagpie · 04/06/2017 21:41

Oh and of course it's not fair. It's sad and horrible and lonely and confusing. But a lot of life is like that and for me, there are many many worse things that could happen than this.