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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Missing family that I'm NC with.

53 replies

CaulkheadUpNorf · 04/06/2017 20:35

If you're NC with family, do you miss them? Does that stop or do you just accept that you miss them and just live with it?

OP posts:
MoominFlaps · 04/06/2017 21:42

I miss my half sister. We had some really good laughs. she was great when she was on form.

Unfortunately she had a huge chip on her shoulder about many many things and I could never trust her not to turn on me. So.

But I do miss the good times, because we did have them.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 04/06/2017 21:43

I am NC with adult DC. I miss them really badly. I also realise that if I wrote on MN that a partner had treated me the way they do I would get LTB a million times. Why should I take that from my DC? The biggest horror is that when they want something often money they are so friendly and it is no problem to see the DGC but as soon as they get what they want it is me cut off. I am a person with feelings not an ATM. As much as I miss them I realise that the situation is not good and what I really miss is the people they should have been and not the nasty money grabbing vile spoken scary person they are now. They chose to go that way.

SeaEagleFeather · 04/06/2017 22:00

Yes I miss my father, but he married his second wife ... rarely a good story is it. But I do miss him, when he was being nice.

I am sad I'm NC with a half-sister but nothing is worth being the target of (genuinely worrying) bizarre abuse. My other half sister is still in contact and gets strange and unpleasant abuse regularly.

SeaEagleFeather · 04/06/2017 22:06

I wouldnt have called them. Mourning is probably a better word, but it feels harder to use it as I could contact them. Mourning makes it feel like grief.

I lost my adoptive mother to death when I was 11 and it's devastated me. Grief? dear god, even now 35 years on.

when my father allowed himself to be distracted away from me, it was again a form of grief. Loss through NC is grief too, just more complicated and a different sort of pain. But it -is- loss. Give yoruself time to mourn.

NellieFiveBellies · 04/06/2017 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nellyphants · 04/06/2017 22:21

I'm nc with a brother & nephew. My brother stole a substantial amount of money from me. My nephew has been physically violent. I can't say I miss them

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorf · 04/06/2017 22:29

Nellie i miss having someone who has known me all my life, and to be the person that cares about me even when I'm an idiot.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 04/06/2017 22:41

I'm NC with my sister, I miss the person she used to be and I miss the family we used to have but I can't be around her anymore. Acceptance has been a long time coming however and it has been like a period of grieving.

Our dad is nearly 80 and has lots of health issues so he needs a fair bit of running around for Drs appointments etc, shopping and she lives about 10 doors up the road from him...I live 12 miles away and don't always have a car. He's not seen her for about 3 weeks as she's too busy going to church and praying for the needy. She's a bloody hypocrite and that's why we are NC.

Nellyphants · 04/06/2017 22:55

Caulk that's very sad, do you have long term friends they're people who know you a long time. If not I am sorry. My attitude is that there's no point mourning the relationships I would liked to have but try create the life I want.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorf · 04/06/2017 22:59

I have totally created the life I want. I have good friends, great job, all that stuff. I just feel sad that my friends have all that AND parents who care about them.

I'm not in contact with people from school, just because I've moved away and haven't returned there for 13 years, and we have all moved on, so I don't see anyone now who has known me before I was 18. I'm used to it, just sometimes I feel sad about it and miss how it could have been I suppose.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/06/2017 23:10

Yes I miss the thought of a family. Not my actual family but wish they could have been even half decent people.

It's been a long time and I don't think the grief ever really goes away. I know that when I start feeling pinched and like I'm shivering on a ledge I need to pay attention to my grief and not brave it out. I heard something the other day about 'leaning into the grief' and that's something I'll have a go at. Takes courage though.

Mind you, get me on another day and I could leap for joy I no longer have to be exposed to those dreadful people.

It's complicated. Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 04/06/2017 23:14

Caulk if you're the poster I'm thinking of, I'm so so so glad you're NC. From memory, you have had an absolutely horrific time of it Sad

That said, NC is never going to be easy, especially if it's NC with parents.

It is so like bereavement but not. I know that you can pick up a phone, but what you really want and need is never going to be at the other end of that phone. It's a process of accepting that the relationship you want isn't going to exist. So added to bereavement is frustration and anger that what you want and need isn't going to happen.

Fwiw I'm a few years in of very very LC (went from seeing aunt and wanker husband 1/2 times a week to less than yearly). It's now 4, possibly 5 years? I forget because it's not important.

You're likely to go from thinking about it all the time, then you'll realise one day that you haven't thought of them. Then the next time it will be a bit longer between realising, then longer still.

It takes time. But you need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself that time. There isn't a quick fix - I wish I could give you one though Thanks

SandyY2K · 04/06/2017 23:17

Would you feel better if your friends had parents who they were NC with?

I think this is much the same as being in a horrible relationship and seeing your friends in good relationships. You kind of wonder, why you never have good luck.

I think most people take family for granted, not realising how many families aren't close and barely communicate.

My family is very close and just this moment my BIL has informed me that he's not coming to my DHs (his brothers) birthday this weekend. A milestone one that I've been planning for months. I'm so pissed off about it, but it does bring home to me and how some families don't give a stuff about each other.

Anyway... I think it's wishing your family were different that you'd prefer. I'm sure you don't miss their lack of caring towards you. Not everyone who has a child has what it takes to be a parent.

LookingbackIwonder · 05/06/2017 01:45

Yes, I do miss them. I wish I had never gone NC but I have burned my bridges and it's unlikely I can ever mend them.

mistermagpie · 05/06/2017 09:28

That's sad that you feel you can't mend the bridges if you want to. I don't want to in my case, but if I did I would try. Have you tried reaching out to them? A straightforward letter or something saying you miss them could be a starting point. What do you have to lose now?

SeaEagleFeather · 05/06/2017 09:30

Is it worth tryng, lookingback? A letter? the worst that can happen is that it's ignored. If one comes back, you could ask a trusted friend to open it first. I think you'd have to prepare yoruself for rejection, but hope for the best

There was a reason you went NC though; if you go back those reasons might still exist.

LookingbackIwonder · 05/06/2017 10:57

Perhaps.

It has been several years now. A few, gentle, home truths recently from a dear friend has highlighted the part I played in the breakdown of these relationships. I am working on this right now.

rightknockered · 05/06/2017 12:13

I am NC with my family, my sister decided to go NC with me 3 years ago after our father's death. I don't miss the others, but I miss my sister. Looking back though, I can see that she manipulated and used me for support/money/emotional help but never reciprocated. At the time I didn't really mind because that is how she has always been, being younger than me. I have always filled the role of the 'big sister'. Our father's death brought a lot of things out into the open, especially that I couldn't forgive my parents for abusing me. She chose our mother over me. And I''ve come to terms with it.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 05/06/2017 19:56

Looking back It might be a good idea to try getting in contact with one of your relatives, the easiest one to talk to would be best.
As a result of reading what you said and what others have replied I am thinking of sending a message.
Wish us both luck!

Iris65 · 05/06/2017 20:04

I wish that I had a kind, loving, supportive family. There are things that I miss about my sister but they are far outweighed by her horrible behaviour.
I'm still in contact with my parents - even though NC would be better for me. I just don't have the strength.

Imbroglio · 05/06/2017 20:53

I wish that I had a kind, loving, supportive family.

^This

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 05/06/2017 21:10

We would all like a story book family. We just have to make the best of the reality of the real human beings we are related to and remember that as we are all human we all have failings.

iwishihadbluehair · 08/06/2017 12:34

The charity Stand Alone helped me a lot with my own NC stuff - worth checking out x

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorf · 08/06/2017 12:44

Great, thank you. I hadn't heard of them.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 09/06/2017 20:30

How are you doing CaulkheadUpNorf?

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