mylittlestar update - Oh sh**, oh sh**, oh sh**. Why didn't I listen? Am I a complete mug? Will I ever get over this??????

[mylittlestar]

Posted a bit this weekend but just couldn't think straight enough to start a thread.

Ok to brifly summarise for those who don't know - dh left me and ds last year after 14 years together (since age 16) as he needed 'space', had many issues in his life (work, parents split up, closest person in his family passed away), suffering from depression too.

It killed me, absolutley killed me, but I felt our marriage was worth saving and supported him 100%, let him come and go as he pleased, let him have the family life (to see what he was missing... lol!) and the single life.

People in RL (and on here - HappyDaddy in particular, you were right!) said I was being naive. That he was having his cake and eating it. That he needed to grow up and face his responsibilities. Why did he have the 'right' to walk away and come back when he wants. And many people also said that he probably wanted to go and see other women.

I defended him to everyone. Absolutely everyone. I had 100% faith that once he got the 'living alone, putting himself first' thing out of his system he'd come back to me and ds and we'd be stronger than ever.

Friday night he was staying with me but disappeared for 2 hours ('gym'?!). Sat morning he got up at 7.30 am (went out to get 'breakfast and the papers'!) disappeared for 2 hours and switched off his phone when I rang him.
Alarm bells started. He'd pushed me too far. When he got in the shower I checked his phone. 2 messages. Unknown number... 'why didn't you want to kiss me, is everything ok, can you pick me up from work later....'

I confronted him immediately. He tried to deny it. But gave in after a few mins. He's been having an affair with a 19 year old.

I was shaking uncontrollably. (Now Can't stop being sick.) But I held it together.

We talked. I listened to him. I then went straight up to where she works and confronted her. Complete slut. I was really strong and dignified, asked her to explain her side, then calmly walked away. She was white as a sheet and shaking like a leaf. But said he pursued her and she had every right to see who she wants, especially as we're 'separated'...

I then asked him to end things with her, which he did immediately. She then got really really pssed off and got in touch saying how much she loved him, that they love each other, and* that shes pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's what hurts. Yes the affair. The deception. At a time when I'd givien him everything I could to support him.

The fact he had unprotected sex with her. (I now have no idea if the pregnancy is true or a desperate lie to keep him.)

The fact he swore leaving was nothing to do with seeing other people and nothing to do with his age. Then he actively seeks out a 19 year old to do this with (he's 30 this week)!

He swears he doesn't love her. It was about selfish attention seeking and excitement. And ironically, after months of wanting him to come back to me and ds and say that I'm all he wants in the world - he has finally said it!

I know deep down in my heart I can forgive him. I stick by my committment to my marriage, I love him to bits, and I think we can have a happy life. I honestly do.

He's seen the grass isn't greener. But why did he have to test it

But how the hell do ever get close to him again? How will I ever get the thoughts of him and her out of my head?

Have I allowed him to have this affair by letting him have the double life? Am I a complete mug?

Ok, next step is to get STI checks. To find out about the pregnancy. And for us to talk and continue with the relationship counselling (which was working wonders and bringing us really close again?!?!) - whilst he had an affair in the background!

My heart isn't broken, it's numb. Inside is just emptiness, sadness, sheer hurt beyond words. But somewhere in there is my love for him. Can I get through this and ever have a happy marriage again?
I'd like positive stories or guidance. But if you think I'm a complete a* hole then tell me.

MLS, so pleased you had a great night out!! Good on you, that really is fantastic to have done that.

Great to hear the plans of the new house, I'm sure that will be a really good fresh new start for you.

No more news from the silly bint?? Hope not

Speak soon xx

Hi

Havent read all your thad but get the idea that we are in the same position. I am about 6 months along after a very very bumpy start.

You say you still think will you ever get over this - you will. Because you know you can go it alone if need be. I still wonder if i will ever get over it and just like the other poster (sorry cant remember who) said try and think how it will be for everyone in a couple of years time.

I now know i am strong enough to take on anything and in the big scheme of life i am hoping this is a blip.

Something else that helps me is to realise that we cannot control everything. sometimes it feels so good to just go with the flow and not worry about the big picture. Let go of the controls and let life take you where it wants.

Moving sounds like a fantastic idea. We moved but it is a place i know i could cope with on my own. This fresh new start has also helped my h to really see what he could have so easily lost. we are so happy as a family now.

Good luck to you - just wanted to give you my support.

you all sound a bit jollier over here than my doom and gloom thread, so I'll pop in and out if I may. Glad you had good weekend mls. am

my good news is I don't think I'm pg, phwe. got bfn this morning. Hope it's good time-wise to be reliable result.

lily, no we haven't heard from her for a few days which is good news.

ernest great news about the BFN! Am really pleased for you, that's one less thing on your mind.

Hurtwife thanks for your post. I understand about the control thing. The realisation that i could not 'control' what dh did to me and could not 'control' the subsequent events was difficult to accept! (Especially her 'pregnancy' and whatever happens over that!) But at least I now realise that as long as I am in control of my own actions and doing what I think is best, then I will get through it in the end.

I had a bit of a bad night last night. Just pushing for honesty, then like I said on ernest's thread, I get the honesty, it hurts me more, he then fells more guilty, and we seem to push each other away.

But we were both awake in the night when ds woke up, and when we got back in bed he gave me a big hug and said he'll do whatever it takes and he was sorry. Little things like that make me feel a lot better.

Going to view some houses this weekend (only 15 mins from friends and family and where we live now so not too far!) but at the same time it gives us a nice focus and new hope. I'm trying to stay positive!

Thanks everyone xx

Great news Ernest on the BFP some relief at least on that front.
MLS i did that, went through every single detail esp the more graphic stuff. I don't know why as it hurt like hell when he told me. He hated doing it but i said i needed to know so he did. I feel that now i know there wasn't anything secretive about it anymore, and i think the fact that it hurt him so much to tell me helped him to face up to the fact that this episode that he thought no one would ever find out about and wasn't going to hurt anyone was in fact the complete opposite. It forced him to see how devestating it was for me and i think that was an essential part of the process of recovering from it. Are you still having the counselling ?
I know it may not seem so now but i have seen you popping in the other threads and i am so optomistic about your relationship in that he seems so remorseful and wants to make up for his mistake and it seems very similair to my situation and we are making a real go of things. Looking at others relationships there partners don't even seem remorseful and that must be so much harder. Your DH sounds like he is and that can only help.

hi mls

glad that on the whole things are improving. sorry you had a bit of a blip last night but i guess they're to be expected and at least your dh is responding to your needs well.

the new house does sound great.

just wondered how your dh's depression was going? going on my own experience, don't lose sight of the fact that he still may have some symptoms.

when really big stuff comes along the depression can get forgotten but in our case it has always crept back.

this time around we're trying hard to keep it in view and amongst all the other discussions talking much more about my dh's feelings.

he was great last week, and sunday/monday was also brilliant when dd was sick. i was disappointed he didn't come last night tho.

the new job is very exciting for him but he has started to get a bit anxious again and says he feels deflated. it's so hard to get him to remain positive and take strength from the things he does well.

i'm trying to get him to realise that the depression causes the negative emotions to have a greater effect on him.

at least now he talks much more graphically and specifically about how he's feeling. when he worries he won't cope with something i can point out some past event that proves how well he coped and will cope again.

it's exhausting but seems reasonably effective.

he sees his dr in may and has promised we'll go together. i want to bring it earlier but he's resisting.

am deff going to book the mediation session for soon tho - that may well give us the means to keep up what i feel is good progress.

glad the OW is keeping out of it as well.

Hi MLS - congrats on the decision to move house. New broom and all that

Can totally relate to the wanting honesty - I always used to dig for the gory details and then get crazy when I heard them. I did get a bit obsessive for a while and even planned to visit her at work to hear the truth from her

Still feel a bit crazy sometimes but I try to suppress those feelings before the men in white coats come and get me

I'm so pleased for you that he's finally facing up to his own responsibilities in making you feel safe and secure. Remember that it was your strength and presence of mind that led him to the realisation that he had to make changes in the way he treated you so don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back every once in a while!

Do agree that with him being remorseful it's a good start and there's a lot to build on. I feel so angry and sad for the people who's dh's don't seem to accept what they've done and make out like they can't do any more to put things right

I'm struggling with something in particular right now. It's not even so much the lies and deception that hurts anymore. It's probably stupid to most people. But because we've been together since age 16 we'd obviously only ever been with each other. There was no past. No history. No insecurities on either side. We'd only ever been with each other.

Now I feel that that is completely ruined. The one thing we had that was just about us, and so unique, has gone. It can never be retrieved.

To be honest a new relationship, with a person who's had loads of partners, loads of history etc would actually be easier for me than coming to terms with this. I'm not sure I'll ever get over that bit

mls im really pleased you had a great night out with friends. Stay strong the bad days will get less nad less. wishing you both all the luck in the world x

Paddlechick great news that you're sounding more positive. Been thinking about you a lot. You're right that I need to keep the depression in mind. I think I'm forgetting the basics of where it all started at the moment and focussing on the stupid smaller things to torture myself!

thanks melminx

my friends and I have agreed well meet at least once a quarter now for a girly night out, either we'll go to london or they'll come up here

so that's something to look forward to!

MLS

You have come such a long way in such a short time and that is due to your huge effort and massive determination. You may never feel the same way about quite a few things but I have no doubts at all that you and your DH will survive this. And i think you can rest safe in the knowledge that when your DH takes you in his arms it's absolutley pure love. Anything else, with anyone else can be dismissed as just lust, insignificant to him.

What saddens me most about all these situations is that because of one moment of weakness, a stupid, bad decision, a life time of pain and doubt is caused. I just hope that it's not just the women that carry these thoughts and feelings, i hope the men who actually caused them are carrying them too. xx

MLS not stupid at all. For you that was the foundation of your relationship. And now it's no loger the same. The fact that he has had another relationship will take you a long time to come to terms with especially as you say whilst you have only ever been with him, i remember bringing up ridiculous things when we argued such as chances i had passed on when i had been out, a quick kiss etc. because being faithful was so important to me and to find out he didn't think twice about doing it to me really p**D me off and still does. It alters all the foundations of your relationship and there are still times i often think how can we be together when having a relationship means different things to us. You just have to think that it is a mistake and you will never really understand why it happened.

good for mls.

im sure they do feel our pain they are just better at hiding it than we are.

mls, you're not stupidly torturing yourself. you're going thru the process of dealing with his betrayal and also grieving for the relationship that you had but which is now different.

we totally glossed over the depression when he came home last summer and it really came back and bit us on the bum.

it is dreadful that he has sullied that unique-ness that your relationship had but (and I don't mean to be glib here) try not to put that fact of your relationship on too high a pedestal.

in the many years of your relationship you have so much that is unique to you both. not least your ds which absolutely no one can take away that wonderful product of your years together.

small steps mate, you know yourself what you are capable of. don't deny your emotions as your work this out but you'll know when you're starting to obsess on some area or other that isn't going to help you move forward. and when that happens you just have to decide "what's done is done" and that you can't change it and move on.

as for us, yep am really pleased we are making progress but am also very anxious that it's all going to tumble down like before. really feel this is last chance saloon for us now.

btw, did i mention he's lost his wedding ring? took it off apparently in a fit of despair (after i didn't get in touch on mother's day etc - no blame on me then!!) and now can't find it.

now that has brought up a whole load of suspicious thoughts in my head but am trying hard not to go there. his words and actions bely what i am thinking.

either that or i'm the biggest mug on the planet and heading for a major fall!

Standing by your man through depression and a betrayal. Putting your relationship before anything else. Being determined to work through the daily pain, the doubts etc. I don't think anyone would think you were a mug. Just amazingly strong x

Thanks everyone. paddlechick your last post made me cry. I know there's no point dwelling on things I can't change. And it's not the end of the world that he's slept with someone else... But it just feels like it sometimes!

It is a different relationship now. And I think I'm clinging onto the hope that although it's changed, the new relationship could be better on so many different levels.

As one of my mates said on Friday though - perhaps I should just chat someone up, sleep with them, realise it's actually not this mind blowing movie sex that I imagine, and then put it behind me and move on!
I've decided against that option for now!

Paddlechick you've come so far, you're not setting yourself up for a fall. You're aware of the situation, but still giving your relationhip one last chance (and giving him one more chance than he probably deserves!). Small steps, like you said to me! How about you go out this weekend and buy 2 new rings - a new wedding ring for him, and an eternity ring for you... for him to show just how much you mean to him and how much he loves you...

Ifonlyhewould, thank you.

MLS, sorry! didn't mean to make you cry! I did start typing something about the "payback scenario" but couldn't get my words to sound right!

given what I've learned about you I very much doubt that sort of behaviour is a)something you'd do and b)something you'd be happy about having done it.

don't mean to be-little the additional fact of his betrayal that resulted in the loss of that uniqueness. sorry if it came out that way.

no it's not the end of the world but it's pretty bluddy close to it and you're perfectly entitled to feel utterly dreadful and more than a bit angry.

just meant to say that to try not to make it any bigger than it already is.

given your amazing strength and compassion i really believe you will make your future a success and having the ability to use this "blip" to build a new and stronger relationship is to be admired.

great idea on the rings. unfortunately we're skint! the new job pay/benefits/bonus negotiations weren't as good on the pay but better on the bonus.

new wedding ring will be an insurance claim but will deffo have an eternity ring with the first bonus!

thanks for giving me the idea.

;-)

glad to help!

and until the insurance claim comes through perhaps a trip to Top Man (don't know why I thought of there in particular) but they sell 'costume jewellery' type rings, and they have some that are quite understated and look remarkably like wedding rings!

Just so he has something to wear for now

Better still, take him to a tattoo parlour and have spoken for! tattooed on his wedding finger he can't lose that!

great idea iohw - paddlechick i'll bring my dh along to get that done too!

good idea MLS, rarely get to the shops these days but will if I can.

IOHW - funnily enough that's exactly what I suggested!

!

ROFL at your suggestions MLS and IOHW

Classy laydeeeees

Classy.... moi?! Of course

pmsl iohw do you think we could get group discount ?