Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To get divorced so I can have weekends off now and again?

91 replies

WatercressSoup · 03/06/2017 17:19

So tired. So fed up of everything including my marriage. Haven't had a holiday for 6 years. Broke. The last time I felt I could breathe was when DH took the DCs away for a few days so I could work. Not gonna lie - it was bliss. WWYD?

OP posts:

NancyWake · 04/06/2017 21:14

It's aggravating to see that ill-considered posts have distressed the OP.

I'm sorry you're being financially abused OP. Of course you have to get out this is no way to live. The impact of the financial abuse and the necessity of working 3 jobs is taking its toll physically and emotionally. It's a kind of physical abuse at one remove.

Please leave. Ignore the silly comments on here.

Original poster

WatercressSoup · 04/06/2017 22:38

Thank you. I'm still here, it's just a lot to take in. I have been having treatment for depression and anxiety and I alternate between feeling positive to feeling completely overwhelmed. But my life isn't all doom and gloom I promise.
The reason for posting was really to find out whether people found it easier to be divorced or to carry on in an unhappy relationship. I can't get much more broke than I am now so financially it probably won't be much worse but I wasn't sure about how it would work with the children in practical terms (of course how they would react emotionally is a whole different issue).
I know there are others in far worse situations than me so I wasn't trying to minimise or dismiss anyone else's situation.
And to answer the question I don't know what happens to the rest of the money (except for about £500).

OP posts:

Original poster

WatercressSoup · 04/06/2017 22:45

I have just completed a budgeting course run through a local church so I wanted to be able to go through that with DH to say this is how we need to run our finances but as in the last few weeks I have been left to try and find several hundred pounds for various extra bit necessary expenses (had to borrow the money of course) I'm not hopeful that it will work. I have told DH that our regular outgoings are closer to £2k than £1k and all he says is 'that's expensive'.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2017 23:32

How did the amount he gives you get decided in the first place?

SandyY2K · 05/06/2017 00:28

1k a month for bills on 50k is not right.

Have you considered the deduction of tax, N.I and Pension deductions.

Depending on where you live £50k isn't a massive amount with 4 children to support.

Original poster

WatercressSoup · 05/06/2017 01:18

He just decided how much to put into the account - there was no discussion. Yes, £50k is obviously the gross amount, but even with all deductions we should still have enough to pay bills.

OP posts:

Original poster

WatercressSoup · 05/06/2017 01:20

I want to work and contribute to the family too

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2017 05:32

He just decided? That's really not normal.

I hope you manage to get it all worked out.

hesterton · 05/06/2017 05:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TempusEedjit · 05/06/2017 07:42

I used to be with a financially abusive man (exH). I worked lots of hours whilst he gave the illusion of doing so - he was self employed and timed his work so I was left in the house doing all the chores etc whilst he was out "working hard". I tried to open my own bank account but he intercepted my mail/debit card and destroyed them. He scared me into thinking that we'd lose our house if I was allowed to have any more access to my money (I was allowed £30 a week for the food shop and nothing more).

In the end I left him, he stepped up and earns enough now to cover his outgoings by himself, something he could have done all along but was disinclined to all the time I picked up his slack. Your DH expecting you to cover 50% of the expenses is only fair if he also covers 50% of the childcare/household chores. Until he does that, stop working your three jobs. He will have to step up to pay for stuff just as my ex did, or risk losing the house/having no food etc. If you think he'd see his kids literally go hungry under his nose rather than pay his fair share then you have bigger problems to tackle than just needing a rest.

LesisMiserable · 05/06/2017 08:07

Don't take those free weekends for granted - my exh did two years 50/50 half weekends/holidays etc then spontaneously dropped down to one day a week , no holidays, and a grudging hour on Christmas day. There are no laws to compel a parent to be a parent

Wallywobbles · 05/06/2017 08:22

I loved the time off being divorced (EOW off). It was all good. Then he fucked it all up because being a cunt was just too tempting. Kids stopped seeing him, no time off.

New relationship with 2 step kids but now a great husband. Being divorced was brilliant in comparison to my first marriage. But a great husband is better than being single (99% of the time).

BluePeppers · 05/06/2017 08:48

OP please remember that when people are saying that being a LP or divorced is very hard work, none of them ever said that they REGRET getting divorced.

No one has ever said that doing it alone is easy. But then if it was so hard and so much harder than staying in a relationship that is abusive (because yours is at least financially abusive) or just 'bad' then none who ever get divorced....

Please don't use this thread to decide if you will be able to cope on youR one. Or if divorcing is a good idea.

I wouod advise you to start another thread in Relationship talking about your dh behaviour. Finances but also all the other things that can go on (I'm sure there are plenty).
Get some advice from a lawyer. Do some calculations on what you would be entitled to (from him and whatever help you would get from benefits).
And then decide what is the best course of action for you.

Please remember too that your MH issues might well have been triggered by his behaviour towards you, the stress of always being short of money, working silly shifts whilst being present to support your dd.
Please also consider that your dd MH problems might also have a link with his attitude towards her and you.

In effect, your problem is so so much more than hoping to have a break every now and then.

Butterymuffin · 05/06/2017 09:38

I'd be tempted to give up at least some of your jobs and say to him that it is simply unfair to expect someone who earns much less to fund half the household bills. Plus you contribute in the time and effort you spend doing housework, childcare and going to appointments.

Original poster

WatercressSoup · 06/06/2017 09:45

Thank you all - yes I do have a lot of thinking to do. I'll let you know how I get on. Thank you so much for all your support.

OP posts:

Whyiseverynameinuse · 06/06/2017 11:55

Speak to Womens Aid OP - you are being financially abused. They will support you as you get your head around this, and help keep you mentally amd physically safe whatever you decide to do in the future

Flip

1 2 3 4