To get divorced so I can have weekends off now and again?

[WatercressSoup]

So tired. So fed up of everything including my marriage. Haven't had a holiday for 6 years. Broke. The last time I felt I could breathe was when DH took the DCs away for a few days so I could work. Not gonna lie - it was bliss. WWYD?

Why are you working 3 jobs but have no money? Are you paying all your wages to him? And whats the deal with your sorting childcare?

I have to say that while I do think you seriously need to consider your marriage, dont bank on him doing his share as the novelty of actually having to be a parent will soon wear off. But that said, when you are single and doing it all it does feel a hell of a lot better than being married and doing it all. You dont have someone sitting there watching you struggle and not lifting a finger to help, which somehow makes everything feel worse and much harder.

First step, get your wages paid into your own account. HE doesnt get to dole out your wages as he sees fit. How much does he earn in relation to you?

Another one agreeing with Soupdragon

Your marriage and life sounds pretty awful tbh

If he doesn't do childcare now he's unlikely to do it after divorce.

What's stopping you walking out at the weekend and leaving DC with their other parent, to spend 3 or 4 hours on your own or meeting a friend etc?

Well, presumably you have a lot of children because you wanted a lot of children! For some reason, people scream you down on mumsnet when people suggest having a lot of children is a lot of work. I can't see how a divorce would help though. Can you survive until they get a bit older and more independent?

I'm divorced and I think it's fucking brilliant. Half the assets, no man-child, no abuse, a tidy house, an actual sex life and every other weekend free. What's not to like?

When our 2 girls (14 months apart in age) were younger, I worked 3.5 days a week, I had no parents (died when kids were around infant/junior age,) and I wasn't massively close to my sibling. (No bad feeling; he just lived far away.) And to be honest, I had a phase of feeling shattered and overwhelmed not long after my parents died, and felt actually jealous of several women who were mums of the kids my daughters knew.

At the time, these mums were my age (30's) and divorced or separated, and their other half had the kids 3 days a week, so they got every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday child-free. Even though I love my kids to bits, it would have just been nice to have had a weekend free (once every other month even!) with just me and DH.

A couple of the women I knew had 3 and 4 bed social housing properties allocated to them, the rent paid, and loads of time to themselves (as they didn't work, and had 3 days without the kids!) As much as I loved my kids (and still do!) and my DH, and also thought my job was OK, I felt a bit jealous and a tad resentful of them sometimes, as I felt like I rarely got a proper break. Also, we struggled to pay our mortgage, and for repairs to our home as well, and couldn't afford for either of us to be ill for more than a week. And in addition to their 3 days off when the kids were with dad, these mums would pack the kids off to the grandparents for a week while they fucked off to Crete with their mates! That was NEVER an option for us.

But it's completely turned around now. Our kids have left home, we are mortgage free, I shall retire in 2 years (hubby several years after,) we have brilliant relationships with our (adult) daughters, and we have a holiday abroad every year. Meanwhile, these women have had to give up their social housing homes now as they are too big (and the bedroom tax affected them,) and they've had to move to private let flats. In addition, none of them seem to be able to keep a man for more than a week, and they had to go to work once he kids grew up, and will probably be having to work or another 17-20 years now. And not a decent career either. A dead end job at minimum pay that they hate.

So these women who seemed to have the life of Reilly 15 years ago are the ones who envy me now.

So don't be too blue OP. What goes around comes around........

I sort of know what you mean but on my fairly limited ' time off ' I still have to wash all the uniform, sports kit, beds, decorate their rooms, tidy their toys etc. it does give me a very little bit of 'me' time but the upside of that is vastly outweighed by all the downsides that I and my kids have had to cope with since ex left. They find the transition from my place to his very unsettling and we always have 'reentry' issues. It sounds to me like 'grass is greener' and i can assure you from my point of view that it isn't.

I remember telling DH at one point hat yes he woud look afte the dcs/give me a break, because if we were divorced he would have to look after them all on their onw every other weekend. So really one weekend from time to time wasnt that bad nor asking for too much.

I think yoiu really need to have a chat with your dh and ensure he is much much more involved in raising your (together!) dcs.
You need the time off (and I want to say, just take it! Even if its just a day away spent in a coffee reading a book in peace).

Jesus User could you sound happier that their lives are shit?? Hope what goes around comes right round again and hits you on the arse.

The grass isn't always greener.

Single parent here. Their Dad has them sporadically when it suits him . My Ds is autistic and my Ex gets mostly the good bits and few school runs. He gas them for oje entire week each year and kicked up great fuss when I had the audacity to end up really ill in hospital and forced him and his GF to rearrange their working hours between them How very dare I expect the other parent to help re childcare when I was unable to. I mean, he still had them, he was and is brilliant with them, but it didn't stop him moaning reminding me about it for months.

This doesn't necessarily change because you separate, some NRPs still have skewed priorities.

*he has them for one entire week a year and weekends here and there.

Keeping you short of money is a big red flag to me. It's shy I have zero respect for a family member I know who did this to another dear family member (wont be specific as outing). Every time we have to see him in reminded of her with tears in her eyes telling me what she had to do to provide for her children.

Please don't misunderstand, the children were very much wanted and I love them all very much but I guess I thought things would be a bit different. I know divorce isn't an easy option but what I'm doing now isn't easy either. DH earns around £50k and puts £1k a month into a joint account for all our bills hence why I have three jobs to try and cover the shortfall while working around the children, schools holidays and a DD who suffers from severe mental health problems. I used to have a great career, company car etc. Would never have given it up to have a family if I had known this is what would happen.

and to everyone who has shared their experiences. I guess there's just no guarantee that a divorce would actually be any better for me or the children but nothing's going to change unless I do something about it.

I think this thread has gone down the wrong path because your real question is how to navigate a path to a better relationship with your partner, or to separate lives.
Make no mistake, it's your terrible relationship that is causing your unhappiness. Work and children are exhausting, of course, and one of yours has a serious illness. You need support and it is woeful that you don't feel supported by your husband.

I think you're right - maybe that's why I felt I could breathe again when they weren't here. It wasn't the children so much as DH - it was just having no responsibilities or having to think about (or for) anyone else for a few days - sheer bliss! Would have been even better in a hammock in the Maldives but guess you can't have it all

What happens if you don't make up the shortfall? I'd be quite tempted to run out by week 2 then sit back and let him fix it.

In all seriousness, he's massively financially abusive. It may well be worth exploring your options w solicitor, you may perversely be better off divorced.

How many kids do you have OP?

Why the need for 3 jobs? Do you need odd hours to cover the childcare? Could you drop 1 job and get DH to pick up the shortfall? I assume you already budget pretty carefully?

I think you need to tell (not ask) DH that your mental health is suffering and you need 1-2 nights a month staying away from home to have some R&R.

User14 I'm sure not all those single mums chose that lifestyle. What a horrible post